So... hm. I have never really talked about this. I guess this is just such an accepting community, I thought perhaps I would.
I have very low self esteem. Painfully low. And depression so bad, that sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. Sometimes... I don't even want to wake up.
Now, there are a million reasons for this. Being bullied, may relationship with my parents, my relatuonship with my on-and-off boyfriend, religious issues, my disorders.
The reason I feel so... angry with myself about this is because I always tell people not to let things like that hurt them or hold them back. I am a hypocrite.
A few years ago I had a friend with scars on her arm. She showed me the release that comes from cutting. I would use a safety pin and make scratches on my arms. But I never whent further, and eventually quit.
Then... three months ago, I was losing it. A downward spiral, no way out. So... I picked up a pretty green knife and sliced open my arms. I was disgusted afterwards, and I only felt worse, but at the time...
It felt so good.
This was finnaly something I had control over. Finnaly a way for release, something that was all mine.
Soon my arms were covered in scars and scabs. People started to notice. I started to lie.
Finnaly it was the darkest moment I have ever had. The final precipice. I was losing it. So I called White Bird.
A guy talked to me. He told me this wasnt the only option. He told me how I can stop, and many other things. He helped me realize I needed help.
So... soon I will be seeing my new therapist. She combines healing with art. And she has a dog too.
I am not doing this for pity or attention. I guess I am just saying... there is hope. I want people to know your not alone. There is another path.
Hang in there!
(btw, this is NOT my art. I don't know who the artist is, but if you do, I will put theur name on it)