Hm... it's been a long time since I've done something as brash as airing my laundry out for others.  Perhaps it's the fact I'm restless at 5am with these thoughts gnawing away at me and the thought of putting this all into writing could help me with some kind of inflection.  I want to say thank you for reading this, I hardly know many of the current people here, I sometimes shy away from posting because I don't see the familiar faces I long to see on the boards.  To give me the time to read what's ahead, takes a tenderness and desire to hear out others you probably will never meet or care for outside of this board.

I found a woman who changed my life for the better.  She found a way to slowly pull me from my shell.  I felt inspired to rise to every challenge before me, to make myself a better person and to broaden my horizons because of her, for her.  Of all the women I've dated, none have had -such- a dramatic impact on my life!  I truly loved her, part of me forever will.  We've been broken up for almost a year now.  We still keep in touch with each other... but loneliness has started to set in upon my life. I wish to return to the dating scene, but my meager funds are wrapped up in $3200 worth of hospital bills my previous job put me in but didn't cover.  I'm going through a transitional period from one job to another, meaning I've no real money to spend on superficial things such as dating.  This has only made my loneliness even more of a sore spot.

I've been having feelings about my ex, ones that only come to you when you can no longer distract yourself by talking with friends or strangers and wind up spending the late hours of night awake with regrets, what ifs and false ideas.  I desire her attention, I seek her affection again, despite how I feel her family is being manipulative, using her as a puppet.  I still have so much I never got to say, things that I still wish I had.  Wants I wish to let her know about.  To give her that freedom she's always sought from her family.  She just started a new relationship a few months ago and I have no desire to mingle or interfere, but at times like this, when I'm left with my brooding thoughts I find myself seeking a second chance.

Soon as I find a way to sleep I will be fine, I'll awake with a clean slate and a better attitude.  But these nights of restlessness have started to become more and more frequent, more and more vivid and the emotions they draw out of me are almost as raw and fresh as the day we were first pulled apart!  I'm conflicted so much with the ceaseless back and forth my mind is going through and I just want some peace of mind.  To put this pain behind me.  Sometimes I still wish I could write as avidly as I used to... so I could better work out my feelings through the written word.  So perhaps I'll try one more time to put everything I've wanted to say to her into one last passage, just so I can say I've said it, even if she'll never see it herself.

==

I still remember the days we spent together hanging out at the gym where you approached me first.  I was simply there to lose weight and hopefully tone up when suddenly you started popping up in front of me while I was jogging on the treadmill or lifting weights.  You would ask me how I was, ask what I hoping to accomplish and then brush my arm before saying you'll see me in the Zumba class.  I hesitated, I was just coming down from a relationship and had started to see another woman who couldn't pull the trigger on her at then boyfriend that she no longer got along with.  But whenever I stepped into the gym, you were immediately on my mind and it stayed that way for as long as I was there.  You invited me to go swimming in the pool after class and at first I refused because of my indecision and I could tell it upset you.  Then that day happened... I decided to bring my trunks and I got to see that beautiful face go from complete shock to a beaming smile when I was already in the water before you had even came out!  I believe that was the first moment you swept me off my feet and I felt my heart soar.

Then came the fourth of July.  It had been four months of us playing coy and not really saying what we wanted to say, but I have to truly thank you for inviting me to the beach to watch the fireworks off the coast.  That day was amazing!  You looked so stunning in that swimsuit and my normally witty mind had turned to a stuttering, blushing mess.  We walked the beach together, we played in the water and held hands as we tried to see how far out we could walk without the waves knocking us over.  I loved the times when one of us slipped and the other wrapped their arms around them to hold each other up.  As night came, we talked in private about what we wanted out of a relationship and sat together watching the fireworks.  That was the night... as we rode home at 1am with you resting your head on my shoulder asleep, you were so peaceful, so lovely.  I had made my decision, you were the one I wanted.  By the end of the week I decided to break it to the other woman that had kept me waiting and it was painful to see how much she truly cared for me, but after all the months I spent showering her with my feelings not being returned... I couldn't bring myself to look back!  You had stepped into my life and I wasn't going to do to you what she did to me.

It wasn't until September though that I finally asked you to be my girlfriend.  Hahaha, yeah, I really am slow, eh, Honey bee?  I was so nervous I could hardly face you as we sat in the pool together, I had my body facing the wall, not wanting anyone else to see me for fear I'd burst of embarrassment.  You looked so happy when I finally fumbled out the words.  We wound up I guess 'dancing' in the pool?  We'd hold hands and I'd pull you around before changing course or stopping and our faces would come inches from touching and I'd give you a quick wink.  My mind is hazy right now about whether it was in the same night or the following one when we were 'dancing' for the second time and I finally mustered up the courage to kiss you!  You had gotten so use to my teasing that you were genuinely surprised and took several seconds of just staring at me with red cheeks and wide eyes before throwing yourself into me as we made out for the first time right there, regardless of the camera watching or the nearby window.  Your sister really didn't like me for that I feel, but I wouldn't change that moment for the world!  It still stands as one of my favorite memories!

How about our first Valentine's day?  I asked to take you to the park and I had to fight your sister to convince her it wasn't to take advantage of you!  We had a nice walk and we talked about your family and mine, how they differed and how we'd have to push each other forward to keep from backing down against either of them.  How you wanted to tell me something but wanted to just enjoy the day with me and talk about it the next time.  I then took you to an Italian restaurant, the one I'd taken you too on our first real date!  We wound up waiting forever on service from a snippy waitress because a big Italian family of 14 was sitting next to us.  My order cost more than yours and wasn't even anywhere near as big or filling.  You asked if I wanted a bit of yours and as the proper gentlemen I thanked you for the offer but assured you I was fine with what I had.  I'm pretty sure you knew I was full of it, but didn't want to push the issue if I was trying to be macho. Bwahahaha!

I never got to hear what that story was though... I never got to know what that baggage was... I feel I should tell you my side of the events though.  The wedding for my friend's sister was coming up and I was invited.  You and I both agreed that your sister wouldn't approve of it since it required us getting a hotel room due to the drive.  As the day started to come, I was told that the people I was riding with weren't going anymore so it would come down to me driving my car or renting one.  Soon as I told my family that, the fighting started.  I was being shouted down and brow beaten into submission.  I insisted it was important only to be told I hardly hung out with them anymore.  Then it turned to your sister.  Joe had mentioned to my mom how your sister wanted to know why I hadn't invited you to go with me so he started pushing on mom so she pushed back, bringing up all the times I had to dance on eggshells around her just to see you.  How she treated me like a predator.  She was pissed at Joe, but after getting off the phone, I was the only one still there so I took the brunt of it.  I argued against her, for your sister for two whole days.  I'm sorry I didn't pick you up for the gym the next time, but I was still battling against her and it wasn't until the third day that I broke.  That I finally had to back down.  That Monday, your sister treated me like a complete scumbag, twisting her head in such ridiculous angles to avoid even seeing me in her peripheral vision.  After all I had done, she didn't even dare to see what happened, just cut me off and did everything she could to keep you and I from having a moment together until it reached a point Joe had to intervene.  Even afterwards it stayed the same, it took me almost a month to apologize to her.  I had hoped we would mend fences but I arrived the next week at the gym to find her corralling you away from me and making her boyfriend talk about finding a new one for you, that he could beat the **** out of if they didn't act right.  It opened my eyes to who she really was and devastated me.  I know you love her as family and I would never seek to change that, but I felt I should do my best to get you away from her, in hopes that you could develop the strength to stand tall by yourself without always bowing to her for approval and permission.  I then...

I need to stop for now... my hands are shaking. I appreciate your audience,

-Otsdarva