Na11's OC log.

[Na11]

Strawberry Milkshake

Roleplay Type :Character roleplay
Name: Strawberry Milkshake
Sex: Female
Age: Mare
Species: Earth Pony
Eye colour: Red
Coat: Red and white
Mane/Tail:her hair is similar to Ms.Cherilee's hairstyle, it's also red with white on the tips.
Physique:Average
Residence: Ponyville, Whitetail  woods(formerly)
Occupation:No job yet
Cutie Mark: Strawberry Milkshake: When strawberry was a filly, she decided to help her family with their shop(her family was poor at the time), her family tried to make strawberry milkshakes. However, never made one, she tried to ask to help, but her family refused.The next day, She was able to sneak out with the ingredients and went into everfree forest. She then made a strawberry milkshake. She was later rescued by her family.After they tasted it, they sold them regularly.  And her family became slightly rich/middle class.The moment after, she gained her cutiemark. This is how her cutie mark looks.

Unique Traits:Can put ponies to sleep when she talks endlessly.

History:

Strawberry was on a farm when she was a foal, her family, in poverty at the time, struggled to take care of her. So they sent her to her unnamed sister who was very selfish, and refused to give her family money though she was rich.  She accepted to take care of her since she was "a baby", but then said she will send Strawberry back.  When she was a filly, she was sent back, she missed the extravagance her sister had and gave her. But now she had to live the hard life. She had to make milkshakes 24/7 due to her family still  being in poverty.She then created a delicious strawberry milkshake that got sold regularly. That allowed her family to become slightly rich/middle class, strawberry's daughter is a filly named purple pop, her mate is a stallion named red syrup. They started dating in their early teens and got married as young adults. She recently lived in whitetail woods, but became pregnant as winter was approaching. So she then moved to ponyville. To this day she lives there, and is in search for a job.Strawberry is now living happily with her daughter and her mate. Her daughter is currently in middle school, her mate works at his shop .He named it "Blue Chicken", which is a store that makes chicken clothing and eggs, blue is Red Syrup's favorite color, hence it's name.That's why it seems that Strawberry could ask to work there with her husband, but she refuses to ever ask. She says it's not her type of job.Her family is also saving up to visit Manehatten one day. That is why is it so important for strawberry to get a job. But they must pay for what is important first.

 

Character Personality:

She likes orange Juice, apple cider, dresses, strawberries, milkshakes, Purple Pop, her family and herself.
She also enjoys cooking. She enjoys warm sunny air and love the feel of wind threw her mane and coat.
She dislikes grass, worms, green apples, anything rotten whatsoever, Rainbow Dash, and yes she hates mismatch hats.
She greatly dislikes winter, the cold, the frostbite, the air, she just hates it.
She is motivated by thinking that every one will lose hope in her, and when a day comes and everyone need her, she will fail.
However, she is also motivated when someone simply cheers for her.She gets mad if you fake cheer too.You have to cheer for her in those ways, otherwise, it is really hard to motivate her.
She is weakened by getting criticized, or being teased.
She doesn't yet understand that everyone in the world won't like her. She wants to be liked but everyone on earth, even Celestia. She usually gets angry when teased, since she is short tempered.
She is anything rotten, the death of every single thing, she has a hidden fear of bears, no one can talk her into liking them, not even Futtershy. She became afraid of rotten things we she was a foal ,  she saw a decreased pony. She ran for dear life and is still scared to this day. Strawberry tries to get over her fears and calls them"silly", but she finds it too hard to overcome them.
Character Summary:

You can say she is a nice pony.She is very positive and strong.She tries her best and works hard.She has a good heart.
She dislikes Rainbow Dash, but acts fine around her. She is awfully good and can cook, sew, and put ponies to sleep with her long-lasting talking. She always creates "haters gonna hate" posters on everyone's door without permission. She recently lived in Whitetail woods, but due to her baby, she had to move. She rarely lies and is loyal.
Her favorite people in life is her husband, daughter and other ponies she likes. She refrains from showing favorites though. She dreams to go to manehattan one day, but does not have a job, she believes she will soar in the sky if she tries. She enjoys going to Sugarcube corner. She remembers her father with all her heart and is very close the her still living mother. Her Quotes are:"you can fly in the sky if you try","Love is a beautiful thing, but can also be painful", "Death is a new way of living". She hates eating grass, and has been with Red syrup since she was a filly. She thinks that learning more than 2 lessons is boring. She likes to garden and enjoys art, reading, writing, and all other arts. Her role models, however are applejack and rarity. She enjoys cleaning, and also re-cleans. She hopes to achieve everything she hopes for in life before she goes to another stage of life. Her mate is Red Syrup(i'll make a bio about him), and purple pop is her daughter, who is a filly (i'll make a bio about her too). She's brutally blunt, never afraid to say what she thinks.

7

[Lyipheoryia]

Okay, I'm not an Rp staff by any means...but I think I can lend a hand here:

• For age, it's preferred to not have a definite number.  We don't know how ponies count their age in Equestria, so it's best not to form canon here.  Instead, use words like "mare", "teenager", "filly", "young mare", etc..
• You need to explain what her cutie mark means, and how she received it.  Getting a cutie mark is one of the milestone's in a pony's life, so this is something that definitely  needs to be filled out
• You need to fill out her history-as in, her life story.  When, where was she born?  Who were her parents?  What was her childhood like?  Who were her friends?  How did she meet her husband?  Questions like these need to be answered~  Afterall, role players want to know your character's past and be able to explore that-not just her personality!

[Na11]

8 minutes ago, Lyipheoryia said:

Okay, I'm not an Rp staff by any means...but I think I can lend a hand here:

• For age, it's preferred to not have a definite number.  We don't know how ponies count their age in Equestria, so it's best not to form canon here.  Instead, use words like "mare", "teenager", "filly", "young mare", etc..
• You need to explain what her cutie mark means, and how she received it.  Getting a cutie mark is one of the milestone's in a pony's life, so this is something that definitely  needs to be filled out
• You need to fill out her history-as in, her life story.  When, where was she born?  Who were her parents?  What was her childhood like?  Who were her friends?  How did she meet her husband?  Questions like these need to be answered~  Afterall, role players want to know your character's past and be able to explore that-not just her personality!

Oh thanks.

[Blueblood]

Hello!  Friendly neighborhood RP helper Rackenhammer here.

Like Lyi said, I would like to see the backstory of this character fleshed out a little more.  I still don't know how she got her foal and husband, for one thing.

Another point is that it's not exactly realistic for a family shop to become rich just by adding strawberry milkshakes to the menu.  It might move them from poverty into the middle class by having the shop finally start turning a profit, but not much more than that, I should think.

[Lyipheoryia]

Oh, to add a point for you to clarify:

You said that she had a baby.  Later, you said that she loved her husband and daughter.  So...is the daughter the baby?  Or does she have two children? 

Who's Red Syrup?  You mentioned the name, but didn't give away any more information on who this pony/item is~

 

[Na11]

Just now, Rackenhammer said:

Hello!  Friendly neighborhood RP helper Rackenhammer here.

Like Lyi said, I would like to see the backstory of this character fleshed out a little more.  I still don't know how she got her foal and husband, for one thing.

Another point is that it's not exactly realistic for a family shop to become rich just by adding strawberry milkshakes to the menu.  It might move them from poverty into the middle class by having the shop finally start turning a profit, but not much more than that, I should think.

 

Just now, Lyipheoryia said:

Oh, to add a point for you to clarify:

You said that she had a baby.  Later, you said that she loved her husband and daughter.  So...is the daughter the baby?  Or does she have two children? 

Who's Red Syrup?  You mentioned the name, but didn't give away any more information on who this pony/item is~

 

Ok i'll edit it then.

[Blueblood]

OK, let's take a look...

First, we don't allow non-canon alicorns as characters, so Strawberry's Daughter can't be one.

It's good to get a little more information about her early family life, though I would personally like to see a little more of her later life fleshed out as well.  Also, there seem to be quite a few run-on sentences, which can make this app a little hard for others to parse.  If you could make it a little easier to read, that'd be great!

[Na11]

16 hours ago, Rackenhammer said:

OK, let's take a look...

First, we don't allow non-canon alicorns as characters, so Strawberry's Daughter can't be one.

It's good to get a little more information about her early family life, though I would personally like to see a little more of her later life fleshed out as well.  Also, there seem to be quite a few run-on sentences, which can make this app a little hard for others to parse.  If you could make it a little easier to read, that'd be great!

I'll edit it some more then.

[Blueblood]

Alright, it's shaping up pretty well.  I would still like to see some spaces after the periods, as that makes the sentences much easier to read, and maybe at least one paragraph break in the History section.

Also, why is the shop called "The Blue Chicken?"  What do they sell?

[Na11]

On 3/9/2016 at 6:17 PM, PrinceBlueblood said:

Alright, it's shaping up pretty well.  I would still like to see some spaces after the periods, as that makes the sentences much easier to read, and maybe at least one paragraph break in the History section.

Also, why is the shop called "The Blue Chicken?"  What do they sell?

I'll edit it again.

[Blueblood]

I... still don't see what the "Blue Chicken" is, or what it sells.  That's about all I'll need before passing this up, so please take care of it.

[Na11]

On 3/14/2016 at 11:53 AM, PrinceBlueblood said:

I... still don't see what the "Blue Chicken" is, or what it sells.  That's about all I'll need before passing this up, so please take care of it.

Got it

[Blueblood]

Alright, I'll pass it along for second review.

[RainbowFoxxy]

Hi there  I'll do a second review for you.

Most of this looks fine. I'm just wondering how she was making milkshakes in the forest. Sounds a bit odd. 

also please include a description of her cutie mark. Different people would invision a strawberry milk shake in different ways so if you could please describe it.

[Bellosh]

One more thing: please go through your app again to remove all punctuation and other grammatical errors. One of the purposes of these character applications is to determine your command of the English language, as World of Equestria roleplayers are expected to write clearly and correctly for the sake of their peers. To be an effective RPer in WoE, you absolutely can't afford to be sloppy with your posts.

[RainbowFoxxy]

Such as "snook" is not a word

Try:

She was able to sneak out with... 

[Na11]

3 hours ago, RainbowPony said:

Such as "snook" is not a word

Try:

She was able to sneak out with... 

Is this ok?

[Bellosh]

2 hours ago, Na11 said:

Is this ok?

It is, but there are still many other errors you need to correct. There are many proper nouns that aren't capitalized correctly. There are also numerous places where the spacing between a word and a punctuation mark is incorrect. And those are just the two sorts of grammatical errors that happened to be the most common.

Furthermore, the overall manner in which this app is written is rather clunky and basic, which strongly suggests that we can expect more of the same in your roleplay posts. Based on what I've seen of your writing, I think you'll fit in better with Free For All RPers than those in World of Equestria. Once you've had enough time to develop your writing abilities, perhaps then you can try apping a WoE character again.

For now though, I sincerely advise that you transfer this OC over to Free For All.

[Na11]

14 hours ago, Bellosh said:

It is, but there are still many other errors you need to correct. There are many proper nouns that aren't capitalized correctly. There are also numerous places where the spacing between a word and a punctuation mark is incorrect. And those are just the two sorts of grammatical errors that happened to be the most common.

Furthermore, the overall manner in which this app is written is rather clunky and basic, which strongly suggests that we can expect more of the same in your roleplay posts. Based on what I've seen of your writing, I think you'll fit in better with Free For All RPers than those in World of Equestria. Once you've had enough time to develop your writing abilities, perhaps then you can try apping a WoE character again.

For now though, I sincerely advise that you transfer this OC over to Free For All.

That seems like a better idea.

[RainbowFoxxy]

I'll go ahead a move this for you. FFA character sheets