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Fallout Equestria: Stable 9 (fic) [chapter 1] any comments? need criticism! be harsh!


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#1 shyshy

shyshy

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 03:46 PM

Spoiler

written by me, based on RP i do with friends off sight. the music is also mine. i made it for the fic. long spoiler is long. there is alont info that is connected to http://www.canterlot...now-the-doctor/ sorry. i just need some criticism, tips, feedback.

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#2 Talex

Posted 24 July 2012 - 05:02 PM

Ok. First off this is the first fanfic I've read while also listening to a soundcloud that I'm guessing you made specifically for this? Am I right? I got to the part with you opening the stable doors when the soundcloud hit around 1:30 where the first bit of vocals came in, so that just added a level of depth to that part. Great job on that! (Not sure if this was intentional as the rest of the track didn't seem to fit the story but whatever, just thought I'd point that out.)

You have some spelling mistakes in there. One of the big ones was whent should be went. Capitalization errors are common but that's easily fixed. I liked the story so far but some parts just don't seem to flow. And the parts with combat in them seem a bit lacking. Having bullets wiz by your head and almost being shot out of the sky should not only give the character an adrenaline rush but it should also try to give the reader that same rush as well. I think just adding to those parts with a bit more detail on how the character felt would fix this.

I said before that some parts don't flow. Sometimes it's difficult to have a reader read a fanfic the same way as you because you've been writing it the whole time and you know how it's supposed to sound. But a reader only has what's written and this can led to a different perspective of the whole thing (hence why you asked for feedback) Sometimes the easiest way to fix this is to go through your story and read it out loud to yourself. You'll often find that by speaking it, rather then reading it, you'll find which parts are worded awkwardly. The story should be able to be told vocally without having to put an effort into it. If at times you find yourself having to re-read a part before speaking it, then perhaps this is a part that needs fixing.

I'm not much of a critique but I hope this helps. ^^

#3 shyshy

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 06:12 PM

that it does, that it does! thank ya kindly! i will take such things into consideration. the music was meant for the whole fic in general. but im glad it helped there