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Well I started writing a series into a fanfiction. Some of it was based off my roleplays and videos on hatena but improved. The series I like to call Bri-Canon so it's based on my ideas yet sometimes ties into the series but here's a sneak peak of the pilot
It was a nice day out in Cloudsdale, except the relationship of Leeroy Wingkins and Starberry blast; The green pegasus was sitting on her cloud thinking 'Why would he cheat on me?' 'And who is that other pony? I bet she's happy with him.' Meanwhile in Leeroy's apartment "What's up man?" A blue pegasus with a spikey green mane said, "Nothing Golds. My girlfriend thought I was cheating on her when it was just a practice date." Leeroy said as he picked up a Coltari 2600 controller to play a game; he turned on the console and played some Mac-pony [Parody of Pac-man] "Darn, that must stink. Why don't you admit the truth?" Goldsword said and asked "Well I tried to do that, But she just kept interrupting me; I tried to call her but she wouldn't pick up."
What's you're opinion on it? I'm new here and have an idea to make a fanfiction series, This probably sounds like a blog or advertisement so I won't mind if it's re-placed somewhere else.
0
Fanfiction sneak peek
Started by
Trekker123Eski
, Aug 07 2012 06:10 AM
Leeroy Wingkins Goldsword Starberry blast Wow you must be really bored again if youre reading this.
3 replies to this topic
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#2
Posted 12 August 2012 - 08:40 AM
Let me take a crack at it...
The structure seems... off. The segment you've got, if that's your opening paragraph, seems to be too much information condensed into too little of a space. Some more description would be nice, of the ponies especially since they're OC and the landscape. Spread out the exposition on the characters and flesh them out more fully with introduction.
Also, dialogue is normally split off into a new paragraph each time you change character speaking. And changing location would also call for a paragraph break.
My opinion? You haven't actually shown enough for an opinion to be made. It would be nice if you said where you were going with this.
The structure seems... off. The segment you've got, if that's your opening paragraph, seems to be too much information condensed into too little of a space. Some more description would be nice, of the ponies especially since they're OC and the landscape. Spread out the exposition on the characters and flesh them out more fully with introduction.
Also, dialogue is normally split off into a new paragraph each time you change character speaking. And changing location would also call for a paragraph break.
My opinion? You haven't actually shown enough for an opinion to be made. It would be nice if you said where you were going with this.
#3
Trekker123Eski
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- Members
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- 18 posts
Blank Flank
Posted 17 August 2012 - 10:55 AM
FermataTheBasse, on 12 August 2012 - 08:40 AM, said:
Let me take a crack at it...
The structure seems... off. The segment you've got, if that's your opening paragraph, seems to be too much information condensed into too little of a space. Some more description would be nice, of the ponies especially since they're OC and the landscape. Spread out the exposition on the characters and flesh them out more fully with introduction.
Also, dialogue is normally split off into a new paragraph each time you change character speaking. And changing location would also call for a paragraph break.
My opinion? You haven't actually shown enough for an opinion to be made. It would be nice if you said where you were going with this.
The structure seems... off. The segment you've got, if that's your opening paragraph, seems to be too much information condensed into too little of a space. Some more description would be nice, of the ponies especially since they're OC and the landscape. Spread out the exposition on the characters and flesh them out more fully with introduction.
Also, dialogue is normally split off into a new paragraph each time you change character speaking. And changing location would also call for a paragraph break.
My opinion? You haven't actually shown enough for an opinion to be made. It would be nice if you said where you were going with this.
#4
Posted 18 August 2012 - 04:47 AM
It's alright. Just... write more, already. That's all I can really say.
