21 replies to this topic

[MultipleTentacles]

After a heated disagreement, Luna stages a political coup. Celestia, despnate, turns to an old enemy for aid. Will friendship prevail, or will chaos rule Equestria?

http://aquadoxical.b...ml#.UCihyaFlSBo

Please tell me what you think ^_^

[FermataTheBasse]

Whoo, long one.

I'm going to ignore awkward wording and grammar and such because that exists in all writing ever.

First bit of cognitive dissonance I suffered while reading, the collapse in Luna and Tia's relationship seems way to abrupt and shallow. You could definitely stand to flesh that out more. More meetings between the sisters over a period of time before Luna's attempt at a secession.

Second, Luna's decree is too well received. I think everypony would be at least a little freaked out by the radical ideas, especially Twilight. But I don't know, we probably read the characters different. I think this one could slide on that count...

And from there I realized that the basic problem here was pacing. You're trying to say too much too fast. The idea of human politics in Equestria is a neat one that I don't think has actually been done before, but you're running roughshod over characterization because you're moving the plot forward too fast, turning the characters into vehicles for exposition. Allow me to quite Rarity here:

"It's all too sudden."

The idea's really something though. I think it could go over very well in FiMFiction and the like if you just take more time and add more 'moments' if you will. The story could easily be an epic length one with the ideas involved, and it really should be.

That's what I have to say.

[MultipleTentacles]

This is partly why I'm a filmmaker rather than a writer!

Anyway, it was a long story... I tried to condense it as much as possible. I feel I stayed true to the characters, and so I didn't really need to flesh out their decisions since I feel they were the heartfelt decisions they all would've made. I felt the best part about the story was how real the characters seemed: they all fit into their roles quite nicely, and I felt they explained the dilemmas of democracy perfectly.

But I wouldn't be surprised if pacing was a problem, as I tend to over-condense more than over-elaborate.

[FermataTheBasse]

The way I see it, the characters all begin to sound one and the same after a while. Pacing can really throw a story off kilter.

As an aside, you're a filmmaker?

[MultipleTentacles]

Someone like you should rewrite my stuff. I've taken six semesters of college level creative writing classes, and in two posts you've touched on all the main criticisms every one of my professors have leveled against me. *sigh*

Yes, I'm a filmmaker. Here's my Youtube: http://www.youtube.c...zymeProductions

[FermataTheBasse]

No way I could rewrite stuff. I'd make it even worse, since my writing diction is so convoluted. The story is okay as is, I'm just saying it could be improved.

I'm intrigued, film-making's one of my aspirations. Where did you study?

Also, could you say which of your works on that channel is your best? I may seem cheap for asking that, but I have a lot of people on this site to pester and only so much time for media nowadays.

[MultipleTentacles]

University of Idaho.

But honestly, to make films, the best thing to do is buy some equipment and just do it. You can get a Canon Rebel T3i for around $500, which produces professional grade video. The only problem is, if the subject or camera is moving quickly, it won't look good. But if you live anywhere near a video rental center, you can plan out your production and shoot the quick-moving stuff on a different kind of camera. I could go into the technical details about this issue if you want... but the more important thing is to get the camera, get a good microphone or two (like a lapel mic), and some LIGHTING EQUIPMENT! New filmmakers always assume that lighting is somehow extraneous, but then their films look unstylized and boring... so if you have lighting equipment, you have a real edge. And you don't need studio grade lighting equipment: go to a hardware store and get some halogen worklights for less than $50, or buy them used for even less. Look up 3-point lighting, as well as bounce lighting: I've never once needed more than 3 or 4 lights, and it's almost invariably 2.

Also, in my opinion, if you're really into filmmaking, I'd go to school for advertising, because that's where all the creativity is, as well as the money. (Advertisers are actually, interestingly enough, 1,000 times more creative than Hollywood film directors in my opinion. They just produce stuff that's more annoying.) Broadcasting / Journalism stuff I think is more for documentary filmmakers.

[FermataTheBasse]

Heh, I know how it works. I've been to film camp many times already. I'm just finding it difficult to secure equipment. If I finalize my decision on film for my future, I think my parents would be willing to help me out. So thanks for the equipment suggestions!

Now... what about crew? How did you deal with that?

[MultipleTentacles]

That's always been my biggest problem. Honestly, IMO you just have to put it in the budget, unless you're lucky enough to have really dedicated friends. But they have to be really dedicated: there's not much worse than showing up for a shoot you need 10 people for, and only 1 showed up. If you give them an incentive, they're more likely to show up. But then it has to be in the budget.

[FermataTheBasse]

What budget? Heh, well I guess I'll just have to see about that.

But, uh, back to the topic at hand- fanfiction. You thinking of putting this up on any other sites?

[MultipleTentacles]

Already did. Why?

[FermataTheBasse]

Nah, just curious. Is it getting views and such?

[MultipleTentacles]

I've released it on two fanfic sites, and 5 forums, including this one.

FanFiction.net:  53 views
PonyFictionArchive.net:  31 views
Everywhere else:  58 views

I'm pretty scientific about my projects ~.^

[MultipleTentacles]

My "Debates on Brony Sex" fan fic, however, got 140 views total, and I didn't really "post" it anywhere. It's also result #1 on Google if you search for "Brony Sex."

*sighs* I never understood people...

[FermataTheBasse]

... What the hell? Sex sells indeed.

It's actually a surprisingly nice piece. You seem to like turning real world issues into their pony equivalents. Actually, the premise of those opinion articles would make for a very interesting fanfic. Not a clop fic though, I'm not that terrible a person.

Incidentally, whose viewpoint is yours? Luna or Twi?

[MultipleTentacles]

Sorry for long time in responding... forum didn't email me for some reason!

I'm actually leaning more towards Luna on this one for the most part. However, I can see Twilight's point of view... there should be a kind of common ground. And I think realistically, in any situation of dialectics, including sex, heated debate, or warfare, you'll find out pretty quick if you're destroying rather than creating common ground.

[FermataTheBasse]

No problem man.

Freedom of thought, eh? Interesting. But we should stop talking about this, a line might be crossed.

Incidentally, are you going to join any RP on this site?

[MultipleTentacles]

Maybe... probably be pretty rare, but I could see doing it ^_^

[FermataTheBasse]

You must! You did come here for a reason, after all! I'll be your partner in crime, or something like that... Please?

[MultipleTentacles]

Very well... I could spare a few hours on the weekends. But you may have to remind me... I'm between jobs having just graduated, so I have a hard time keeping track of when the weekend actually is lol