Earth Pony Quillhart [Ready]

[Quillhart]

Roleplay Type: World of Equestria.

Name: Quillhart,

Sex: Male.

Age: An older colt.

Species: Earth pony.

Eye colour: Dark brown Covered with black squared glasses.

Coat: Brown with a bit of dark gray at his muzzle.

Mane/Tail: Two Shades of brown. One darker brown. One more like yellow.

Physique: A normal sized fully grown pony. He's stronger than he looks but is not that muscular.

Residence: On a grass covered hill in a nice little white house north of FillyDelphia.

Occupation: He Just finished school and tries to make a living by writing.

Cutie Mark: A quill that's writing in a book.

He gained he's cutiemark while he was traveling with the adventurer. It was a bright and sunny day and the road was just as dry as their throats. Quillhart had been working on a text for the sun celebration. It had to be special. Quillhart looked upon his companion. "Are we there yet?" He asked polite. The adventurer looked rather amused by his expression. "For the first time of the two hundred fifty and half time you've been asking I will say, yes." He smiled at him. Quillhart smiled back but he was still worried. "Do you really think they will let me read this on the sun celebration?" He nodded at his bag. The adventurer didn't look at him when he responded. "No, I think they'll throw us out and banish us from the kingdom for asking them." He responded with no glimmer in his eyes. He was so serious that Quillhart didn't know what to believe, Suddenly the adventurer began to laugh. "You should see your face." He laughed and continued. "You should not worry foal. I'm an old friend of some high ponies there and they wont turn us down on this." And he was right some in the staff said they were glad to have a foal in the sun celebration. So the days passed and soon was the day for him to have his speech.

The adventurer asked him gently if he was nervous. "No." He responded. "Not at all." The truth was that he could barely stay steady on his heavy feet. But he wanted the adventurer to think of him as brave as he was. The adventurer smiled at him with a glimmer in his eyes. "Just remember that you're speaking before a crowd of thousands of ponies."He winked at him. "We don't want to disappoint them." Quillhart swallowed "Certainly not." He answered and that was the most truth thing he ever said that day.

He took his place on the scene and began to read. He looked up sometimes to see the ponies reactions. No they were still smiling. He kept reading and the story he made was getting more and more beautiful in his opinion. He looked up again and saw that nopony was smiling anymore. He kept reading. The sun gazed and he was more nervous then ever. He wished he was a Pegasus so he could just fly away from there. And he began to sound like he was about to cry. Now the story was on it's most beautiful part and then it was finally over. Now he realized that everpony cried. Was it that bad. Was he that bad? But then he saw that they were also smiling and he knew that they didn't like it. They loved it! He was done by now and was getting of the scene while the crowd clapped as they all gone mad. And He saw that the adventurer was also crying. The adventurer smiled and pointed at something behind him. He turned and all by a sudden he realized. He had gained his cutiemark!

History: Quillhart once lived with his parents in the cold northern city named Stalliongrade. His parents were both gem miners and they were almost always busy mining or trading the mined gems. Quillhart used to help them when he was free from school. The hard work of mining and trading made him strong in his hoofs and quick in his head. He went outdoors as often as he could to explore the cold north landscape. He loved the freedom which the roads gave him and did sometimes spend hours to do simple things like to watch the beautiful sunrise. He was very shy at his school and did not like to talk to people if it wasn't necessary. He didn't have any friend and he didn't care that much about it either. He turned out to be a true star when it came to writing and reading. His teachers was truly impressed by his skills. One cold winter day, when Quillhart was just a foal, the parents couldn't find him anywhere and they searched a whole day just to find him sitting in the cellar deeply reading a book without pictures about diamond dogs. Nopony even knew that he was able to read at this young age.

When he grew older he felt like he wanted to see a diamond dog for once. So as he always did he went out to try to find one. He went to Gor Zarya mts. where he knew there would be diamond dogs to find. He searched for a camp until midday and then he decided to go back home. It was getting dark and the small path was hard to see so he leaved the path by accident. Suddenly he found himself falling into a hole and he screamed while falling to what he thought was his certain death. But he didn't fall that far. He realized he had landed on a huge pile of Beautiful gems. But it was something else in the dark. "Who's there?!" He shouted. Suddenly a lantern was lighted. ""It ssseems like we have a guessst." Said a lisping ominous voice. And all by a sudden the whole cave was lightened by a huge amount of lanterns. Quillhart was flashed by the glimmer from the gemstones. He felt that to creatures grabbed him and dragged him away somewhere. "ssso trying to ssteal our gemssstoness are you, hmm?" Said the voice again. "I don't know what you mean I just fell into a hole." Quillhart was desperately trying to explain the misunderstanding. "Sssilence!" "We'll figure out what to do with you my dear little pony." He could catch a glimpse of a smile. "You better drop him this instant!" Quillhart gained his sight back and he could see a pony standing by a tunnel. The diamond dogs lost their attention for one moment and Quillhart managed to break free. He ran to the pony and the pony turned to run back into the tunnel again and together they managed to escape. It turned out that the pony was an adventurer who saw Quillhart when he fell down the hole. The adventurer became his first friend and Quillhart felt like he wanted to live the same life as the adventurer was describing. He convinced his parents that he would be allowed to follow the adventurer on his adventures and the adventurer was glad to have some company on his travels. So he dropped of the school to follow the adventurer and write stories about what they experienced on their journeys. Until they ended up in FillyDelphia to finish the school. Quillhart finished school with good grades and good friends. And he still goes at adventures when he so desires.

Character Summary:

Personality: Quillhart is very shy and very critical to himself and needs acknowledgement once in a while. Aside of the shy and critical side, he's fully able make jokes on his own bill. Quillhart is still a writer and an adventurer by hart and likes to combine those. He's kind to everypony and does not want to hurt anypony. One can summarize he's personalities into:

Kind, shy, critical to himself, creative, an adventurer, caring and funny.

Interactions: Quillhart is very shy and he almost never takes the first contact. He is used to wait for being noticed. He is a thinker when he's deep in his thoughts he will be very hard to reach. Quillhart is really scared of conflicts because he's so afraid to hurt anypony. He does really care about those he sees as his friends and it's normally those who he is the most social with. He would rather die then not being there for one of his friends. And the only ponies who who can hurt him by the heart is his friends that he had let close to his heart.

Likes: To write and to explore. He loves to be a laugh bringer for anypony. He likes to be with his friends especially if it's on a adventure. He likes to help ponies out and to lend a helping hoof. He likes putting his friends above himself He enjoys the sunshine just as much as the moonlight. And he like to collect shiny gems.

Dislikes Diamond dogs... He got a serious fear since the first meeting with them, (includes panic). Boasters who aren't as good as they are claiming to be, he dislikes that. He hates to just stand watching when a friend is having troubles. That's hard to not be when he's as shy as he is. And as said conflicts.... He really want to avoid those at all costs.

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[Quillhart]

Don't know what I did wrong

[starswirlthebearded]

Don't know what I did wrong

Why do you assume you did something wrong?

(BTW, I haven't read your app per say, but outwardly, there doesn't seem to be anything that I think would warrant that statement)

[Quillhart]

Why do you assume you did something wrong?

(BTW, I haven't read your app per say, but outwardly, there doesn't seem to be anything that I think would warrant that statement)

It was coloured and the thingy could be seen but I fixed it ^^

[Quillhart]

Can't get the pics to work

[starswirlthebearded]

It was coloured and the thingy could be seen but I fixed it ^^

Awesome Don't worry, you aren't the only one who made that error.

Can't get the pics to work

Perhaps I can be of assistance? From your computer or a link on the internet?

[Quillhart]

Awesome Don't worry, you aren't the only one who made that error.

Perhaps I can be of assistance? From your computer or a link on the internet?

Computer

[Quillhart]

I would also appreciate a opinion so far

[Conor Colton]

Hey, an interesting character you have here, Quill, I always approve of those who are very literate ponies.

But, there are a few things in my opinion that could be improved on. One would be his backstory. It seems very much like his whole past was just a throw-away concept, like it didn't leave too big of an impact on him, also it seems a tad cliched with the parents getting taken away from him and so forth; not a direct criticism but perhaps it could be something you could alter to make it more fresh and new and as a result, interesting

Another aspect I would try to improve on is how you tell what type of personality he has. With the backstory we're given it doesn't quite explain where some of his notable traits came from, such as his friendliness and love for writing. It could be improved on if you say, gave him a reason why he loved to write, like he once read something very inspirational like a Daring Do book or something similar, which would help tie into his occasional foray into adventuring. And as for how his personality has developed to where it is now, that doesn't seem very fully explained. You said his parents were taken away from him, which basically meant his life is completely flipped upside down, and yet it seems from how you've described he just dusts himself off and gets on with it. Perhaps you could include some information on a personal struggle he had to go through in order to reach a friendly and respectable place in society?

And on the subject of struggles, his cutie mark seems like it was too easily obtained in my opinion. A cutie mark should be something that's earned and experienced, a mark that a pony knows what they want to do with their life, and here it seems like more of a reward for reading a powerful story at the sun celebration, which is all well and good but he doesn't seem to have too much trouble with it; perhaps a state of panic or even desperation when he's told he'll be reading in front of thousands while he's working on this story could be added to develop his cutie mark more?

And finally I would suggest adding some personality traits that reflect him how you want him to be portrayed to others, like fears and emotional tenancies, like say a fear of dragons for example.

Aside from all that I can see some simple spelling, grammatical and formatting errors but those can be easily fixed with another read through and a quick edit. These are all just my opinions though, you know your character better than anybody, and I hope my suggestions have helped

Looking forward to see how Quill here develops

[starswirlthebearded]

Hey Quil! I know we spoke in PM, and we discussed various aspects of your app. So I'm going to throw my full critique here, after having discussed things with RPHS hive.

Before I start, I actually like the idea of the character. We need more writers, and I always love a good adventurer, in fact I have one of my own . That said there is some work to be done, and I'll do my best to explain my position on each and giving suggestions that I think would help. Keep in mind that this entire critique is trying to help you, not diminish or demean you or your creativity in any way

First off, I know Conor said that the cutie mark story was too easy, but here is the thing, I don't agree with that! I actually think it is fine. Cutie mark stories are unique meaningful experiences. There doesn't have to be anything exceedingly difficult about them. Honestly I feel that seeing the wide positive reaction of all the ponies in the crowd of the biggest event of the season would be sufficient reason to feel the affirmation that writing was his special talent. Maybe you could go into his nervousness a bit more. But honestly it isn't entirely necessary. In fact, the only criticism that I would have is that the first half almost seem like a separate experience because of the focus on his adventurer companion. If anything tone that down, and make your character and his experience more the focus throughout the cutie mark story. The harsh sarcasm from the adventurer didn't sit quite well with me, but not enough for me to discredit the entire story. So, great work on that front!

Now the history. First is the bit about the Badlands. I'm still having issues with that. It is a rough place for several reasons. First off being that it is a harsh arid environment, not suited for ponykind. So settler ponies wouldn't exactly settle there. Then there is the other issue with the Badlands... dragons. Why would settler ponies move to an area where the most feared creatures reside? Twilight's books had information on the Ursa Major and Minor, but next to nothing on dragons because ponies are terrified of them. I just don't see a reason why they would be there. I'd choose a different place perhaps. I'm going to suggest a fix to this in a bit, but before I do that, the other part of the history that bothers me is the dragon part...

From what we have seen, dragons are rather disinterested in ponies. They are so big and powerful that they have no interest in them. I see no reason why a dragon would leave his nest of treasure unattended to just attack a village. This isn't Middle Earth, and ponies aren't greedy dwarves that have a hoard of gold and gems that a dragon would envy and want to steal. And in Equestria, I'm not sure dragons would react that way at all! It would take ponies being the aggressors (think Rainbow Dash kicking the dragon in Dragonshy, because before that, he didn't care about any of them. Also the dragon Spike encountered was being robbed by Spike, so he was obviously cross with that). Then you have the fact that it was rather violent, which doesn't really fly well in WoE.

SO! On those two points, if you still want a dragon to be involved, what I would do is this. Have a settlement somewhere where ponies might go. Fertile land, areas where there are gem caves (around Diamond Dog Settlements), things like that. Then, do the same thing that the dragon did in the episode Dragonshy! Take a nap and pollute the air. Naturally the ponies would have to confront him, and lets say Quill let his adventitious side get the better of him, despite being so young and he offered to go with the team to negotiate with the dragon. Then upon meeting the dragon they succeed in waking him, say another pony tries taking a gem, and the dragon roars at them scaring them off. Thinking the dragon is going to attack everyone runs off in different directions. No destruction, just ponies being, well... Ponies. Quill can still get separated from his parents, but it would be a different set of circumstances. And your character can still develop a stronger, more Fluttershy-like fear of dragons because of that ordeal than other ponies have for dragons. This is all however just a suggestion. However, you will have to rework that. If you have a different idea that you like better that fits in with the WoE environment, I'd love to see it!

Conor also makes a good point about the history. A bit of background on how he got interested in adventuring and writing would be a welcome improvement. His suggestion of using Daring Do is actually a commonly used method to do this. You can of course choose others. Perhaps he read books of other lands and got naturally curious wanting to adventure on his own! However that bit of background would certainly help us to know where your pony came from, and what helped him develop into the pony he is now!

The rest of the story can stay essentially the same, but I'd expand upon it. Perhaps go into more about what his life was like in Fillydelphia. What was it like at school, what did he do for fun other than write? Did he have friends? How often did he skip school to go on adventures?

The character summary is actually off to a great start! I would, to improve it, make it flow a bit better. Put what he likes together, what he dislikes together, how he interacts with others together, and then his personality together. It is all there, it just jumps around a bit too much! You could go into how each of those sections impacts his reaction and interactions with others, though. Which would be a welcome addition!

Now I know this seems like a lot, but I genuinely love the concept of the character! The history is mostly where you need work. And myself and other RPHS are more than willing to help you build this character into something that can be accepted into WoE environment. I know you were worried about a total rewrite, but I always try to minimize that, by offering suggestions that would fit better into WoE. So if you have an idea, I'd be more than happy to discuss it with you and flesh it out. And I'm sure other RPHS would feel the same way!

If you have any questions feel free to let me know!

Naturally, if you feel this is too much. You may alternatively choose to switch the application over to "Crossovers" which is a much less strict role play environment that would allow you to play your character as is without any major changes.

[Quillhart]

So thanks for the tips I hope you will be pleased

[Quillhart]

Made some huge changes and is satisfied myself

[starswirlthebearded]

OK! Not only did you take my wall of text and take it to heart making all the necessary changes, but you made the app much clearer in your personality section by making sub categories!

Fantastic work! However, there is just one last thing you need to do. Proofread! Just fix up some spelling and grammatical errors that are throughout the app. If you need any assistance with that let us know!

You are well on your way to getting accepted

[Quillhart]

Aaaand everything is now good to go!

Now there's only some waiting left before being approved.

[QuickLime]

One thing stands out to me here

Dislikes Diamond dogs... He still got a trauma from the first meeting with them, (includes panic). Loudmouths who aren't as good as they are claiming, he despises them. Bullies, He can feel the pain he suffered because of them as a foal.

This sounds not very WOE like, it sounds a touch too dark and a little too harsh I think you should soften it a little bit ^^

[starswirlthebearded]

One thing stands out to me here

This sounds not very WOE like, it sounds a touch too dark and a little too harsh I think you should soften it a little bit ^^

QuickLime brings up a good point here. Trauma is a bit much, and you don't really need to go into why he dislikes bullies. Stating why is rather unnecessary. And I'd probably change loudmouths who aren't as good as they claim... to "Boasters" I'd probably take out the despising part.

Perhaps fearing diamond dogs would be better? You can even state extreme fear.

[Quillhart]

I did honestly not think of that.

Well point taken and resolved. I also added some more thing I wanted to have in the dislike box

[starswirlthebearded]

Thank you for your understanding Quill!

This app is much improved! I don't see anymore glaring issues with this app that need to be taken care of, so I have no issues with sending it up to SRPHS for review.

[Quillhart]

Thanks! It's most appreciated!

I'm looking forward to get into the rping!

[starswirlthebearded]

Hey there! So SRPH got back to me on the status of your app and there are still a few small things to be done.

First is that you need to do is change the title to match the name in the app. So the title should read "Quillhart [Ready]" (not sure how I missed that to be honest).

Then there were two more typos! First is that you said "filly" instead of colt. And you misspelled "heart."

[colour=#282828]And the only ponies who who can hurt him by the hart is his friends that he had let close to his hart.

[/colour]

[colour=#282828]and[/colour]

[colour=#282828]One cold winter day, when Quillhart was just a filly

[/colour]

Just fix up those small things, and you should be good to go!

[Quillhart]

Then I'm good to go! Thanks for helping

[Rosewind]

Congrats! Please be patient and and Admin will give you permissions to post in WoE soon.

[Quillhart]

Thanks a lot!