Lightning Jay [Ready]

[zeodra14]

Name: Lightning jay
Gender: Stallion
Age: young
Species: Pegasus
Eye colour: Dark Brown
Character colour:

• 4FD5D6
• light blue
• viking Coat Color / 2nd mane color

Mane/Tail/Other:

• baby blue
• CDFFFF
• light blue
• onahau Mane Color

Physique: fairly medium in size and fairly healthy

Residence: A Cloud on top of the Everfree Forest / Middle Class home in ponyville

Occupation: Adventurer/ Hunting Teacher / Camping Guru ?

Cutie Mark: A lightning with a jay bird on top spreading it's wings

Unique Traits:sharp, cunning, quick, doubtful, Empathetic and kind, He can play ball with himself kicking the ball while flying back and forth. He is highly resistant to electricity, loves to eat, when he flies Too fast or when powered by electricity his wings starts to create lightning spark trails.

History: Born in a remote part of Equestria ( Sveltahorse ), his father Evan Grimoire ( Unicorn ) hid many secrets upon his work and because of this you'd think that marrying some pony and having a family would be troubling. But even for the darkest of magic's and the evilest of ponies love can never be avoided. Eventually He got married to Wild Scarlet (Pegasus) and decided to have a foal, Evan knowing the danger he'd put his family in protected both of them with a powerful dark magic. Also believing jay to be born a unicorn gave him extraordinary destructive powers that once in the proper age he'll make jay master them and make him continue his father's legacy of darkness.

Before he could be conceived he was saved by the zebras in his tribe after an incident his father caused exposing his true nature. His father was stripped of his dark magic and was banished. They kept Scarlet isolated from every pony else knowing that the foal she carries holds dark magic as well. they had even thought of killing him after his birth, But because of his father's doing they couldn't. Eventually one zebra stood up and volunteered to take good of care of him despite the risks. Enchantios promised that he will purify this foal of the dark magic inside of him and ever since... he had. of course scarlet, after giving birth had succumbed to the dead and jay was left to enchantios who so desperately tried to purify jay and set him to the path of good. Even with the darkness inside him Enchantios did his best to make jay live a normal life despite every other pony or zebra around him grew distressed, Some even tried to kill him and of course this scarred him to the point where he'd grow paranoid around every pony thinking they're waiting for him to lower his guard, Before pouncing and attack as quick as they can.

To finally rid of the darkness inside him he ventured off to Equestria knowing that the 4 Alicorn princesses could help him with his problem. He stumbled upon a lot of trouble that had put his personality to the test, having one time He saw a carriage being ambushed by thieves, Of course knowing the danger jay didn't help. To that the darkness inside him grew and the kindness his heart possessed lightly diminishes. another given time he had encountered a few starving orphaned foals on the streets, jay apparently low on rations Still gave some of it to the hungry foals, By this act of generosity the kindness inside him Thrived while the darkness suffered. He eventually got to Equestria and had sought help from the princesses. Now a changed stallion he offered himself on helping other ponies with hunting and knowledge on adventuring and or camping in the wilderness, Either with or without camping stuff.

Cutie Mark Origin: One day while practicing his flying capabilities, Hunting skills and wilderness expertise he was quickly caught in a very extreme and dangerous storm. He was put to the test when he tried flying out of the storm and was quickly hit by multiple Lightning bolts, But this only made him faster and faster. Realizing this he got out of the storm and into safety by mere seconds but, After the adrenaline rushed out of his body it began to strain hard to the point where he couldn't stand and was left in an unknown part of the forest and with no pony to help him. Luckily he was saved by a group of birds ( specifically blue jays ). He adapted the skills and personalities of The jay birds around him, For instances their hunting capabilities and how they'd react to predators when near to their nests. They'd keep quiet while some other jay birds away from the nest would emit loud chirping noises to distract the predator away from their homes. He Quickly adapted to these skills and lived with them for 2 months, In the remainder of his stay the storm caught up and of course Jay protected the birds from various lightning storms and helped them when predators were nearby. He eventually decided to leave them and return to his tribe. Upon returning enchantios pointed out that he now has his cutie mark, a Lightning bolt (when he got struct by it multiple times but survived) and a jay bird spreading it's wings (because of his times with the jay birds).

Character Summary/Personality:

Lightning is a very quiet and kind Pegasus. He has his fair share of mistakes that would lead to him only making things around him worse. But despite that, In good days he can help accordingly to plan without any sort of drama. He is a pegasus bearing a lightning and bird (jay) symbol Cutie Mark. He once lived on a cloud above the Everfree Forest but eventually moved in to ponyville. he is kind, smart, a bit too emotional, serious too much, Isolated, Brave, optimistic ( but is having trouble showing it ) he is not big and buff, but he is agile giving him the advantage on some opponents, He does not like to show off and rather isn't quite boastful he has trouble trusting some ponies because of recent events that scarred him. He has Teleophobia and has conflicting roles with himself as an individual ( Identity crisis ). He loves the outdoors mainly because of how unique and natural everything is about it, He is quite skilled with hunting and favors birds as companion ( specifically Blue jays ).

Additional Info:
If you're not aware the dark magic his father left inside him is to amplify electric components and bend them to his will tenfold than the average unicorn. no pony actually got this flaw extracted out of him, Not that there aren't many ponies that could do it it's just that he...
Forgets to mention this to any pony else, And upon asking there are actually 3 reasons, those being:
1.) he forgets about it like most of the time
2.) he doesn't really mention it out of the blue because he fears that every pony else around might feel threatened, therefore resulting in an angry mod chasing him out of town.
3.) And because he actually thinks this is some gift he could use to help other ponies.

He is right about that you know. He can harness the raw energy the lightning bolts possesses in order to fly in extraordinary speeds, But keep in mind that he cannot stay in this state of power for too long, Because the raw energy needs to flow in and out of you in order to restrict shock and damage to your body. Jay only being a pegasus and highly resistant to electricity can use the raw energy to fly faster but can still die since being highly resistant can only do so much for him. Despite his father's idiocy of not actually using his dark powers to discover right away what race jay will be born as is not the only thing stupid about that. the thing Evan did that exposed him of his true self was... ( see rule 34). Jay discovering this actually find it a bit awkward when around mares, He is extremely shy and pessimistic around them, Even one time showing off a bit too much and ended up only on bumping his head while timberwolves chase off the mare. They were saved... eventually.

 

[RainbowDaringDash]

Good idea for a char pal

 

I apologize in advanced, this will/might come off as really negative, but from just glancing at it, i can see a bunch of things that just, wont really work at all in the world of CC. If you want to keep the char exactly how it is now, maybe try using it in FFA, as this kind of stuff is allowed their. 

 

Now, for the things you will need to fix.

 

First big issue, NO OC is allowed to have contact with any Cast char, not direct contact anyway. They are allowed to have seen them somewhere, like obviously a lot of OC's will have heard of Twi, and Celestria, maybe even have seen them, but no direct contact is allowed. So the parts about Zecora will need to be changed. You can still use a Zebra, just cant be Zecora. 

 

Second, the whole thing, is to dark. And i mean, TOO dark. While it is CC and minor dark is allowed, this amount od death is not allowed, sorry. No discussion, end point. 

 

The part about him trying to find Zecora will also have to be replaced, but thats easy. Just change the name from Zecora to some other Zebra name

 

Now, the powers you say he has, i dont know what they all are. I cant really read the history, mainly because i woke up like, 20 minutes ago lol The lighting hitting him im not sure about. He could survive it, but i think its going to far to give him powers. Sorry, iv tried this stuff in one of my own apps. Pegasuses are NOT allowed to have any powers. At all, no magic. Teleportation is a no go, same with all the powers.

 

Now, thats most of the mean stuff, here are just soem suggestions.

 

Firstly, if you do plan on keeping this char here, working on it, could you please seperate the history into paragraphs? It is REALLY hard to read with it just being a wall of text. 

 

Second, i think your going to need to add some more to the summary.

 

Lastly, i dont know if you have a CM story in the history, but if you do, copy it out and put it in its own section, makes the app look a little cleaner. 

 

Sorry if any of this seems mean, but at the current time, this app needs a lot of work. Dont worry tho, if you still want him into CC, im sure we can get him ready without changing his core to to much

[zeodra14]

i see i can change it
i did some changes, if it still isn't good, i can edit them again 

no problem

[DerpRavener]

I'm not actually an RP Helper, so none of what I say is official judgement, but I think I can help clarify a few things.  I'd also like to add my two cents.

 

As for magic: pegasi can have powers, but they have to be either weather or flight related, so as RDD said teleportation is still out of the question.  The relevant lore page for this site is here.  I think you could have a pegasus whose wings shoot out bits of lightning when they fly past (I remember seeing on not to long ago who left trails of fire), but it will probably have to be toned down a little.  Particularly for a colt, to summon a lightning storm by oneself or clearing the sky in a single maneuver is too much I think.  A good rule of thumb here is that OCs should be less capable than the mane 6.  So, if a character can clear the sky as fast or faster than Rainbow Dash, that's probably overdoing it.

 

Overall I kinda like the concept.  The idea of a pegasus with some powerful natural abilities which they have trouble controlling could work pretty well in my opinion.  As presented though, he comes across as too powerful, and a lot of the tragedy in his life seems kinda cliche.  I'd also like to hear a bit more about him as a person: there's a lot there about what he's capable of, but not much about say, hobbies or likes/dislikes or phobias or goals, etc.  For that matter, I don't really know what his special talent is.

[zeodra14]

thanks DerpRavener, I'll tone it down a bit  
Those powers he has is from the Tempestian spirit so it's not his actual pegasi power and lastly he lost his memory of it... 
he loses control of his powers and that's not what he wants, believe me he wants to be mormal just like everypony else, That's why i think he fits in CC, To be able to be him and help him find who he really is...

Don't worry i'll definitely tone him down

ok hold on how would i do that, should i like maybe actually change his core? or like just a few modifications @_@

[DerpRavener]

That reminds me actually.  I couldn't find anything in the WoE/CC lore about that particular forest, or the creatures that live there as described in the app.  While there's probably a bit of leeway in terms of what creatures might exist in a fantasy setting, serpents with giant medallions on their heads, the breaking of which can cause powers of theirs to transfer into other beings, is going a bit far.  Again, not an RP Helper so I don't have say in some ways, but I'm guessing that some elements will have to be changed either way.

 

About his powers: again, I like the idea that they're more impressive than average and that he has trouble controlling them.  But there's still a limit about how far one can push that, even given that he doesn't have full control.  There's still some distance between, 'abnormally strong' and 'able to clear the sky in a second/a single maneuver'.  I also think it might tone down the darker elements of the character, which seemed a bit much to me even with CC being more open to those sorts of characters.

[RainbowDaringDash]

As normal, Derp is more or less correct Thanks pal

 

And about changing his core, i would REFRAIN from changing that. If you change what really makes him him, then, well, in my own opinion, their is no fun in playing as the char. 

 

I think, like derp said,that the idea about him, is really good. Only issues are the fact that his powers are over the top, and seem to sort of surpass the ability's of the Mane 6. Having sparks fly off the wings should be fine, but no magic is allowed for Pegasuses. 

 

Also, iv had a look at the usable locations, and sadly, the forest you have used is not on the Equestrian map. And one of the SRPH has said that you need to use one of the locations that is here. http://www.canterlot.com/forum/377-equestria-rp-able-locations-and-settings/?prune_day=100&sort_by=Z-A&sort_key=last_post&topicfilter=allThat should send you to the list of locations that we have Lore for right now.

 

In truth, im stumped on this app. This is the first time iv really evaluated something like this.... Though i have to admit, its a fun experience  

 

With the whole power thing, im pretty sure that the fact a spirit is possessing him, is a little much, i think. Im not really sure about it.... 

Il get back to you with some more stuff, but im going to get a more experienced RPH to help me out here.

[zeodra14]

ok thank you in the mean time thank you all so much for your constructive criticism, It really helps me with all the things i need to get started, please i do apologize for some minor screw ups here and there, it's kind of my first time with all this while over i'll do something about all of it entirely thank you all so much

[RainbowDaringDash]

At this point, you have done well. 

 

His powers are toned down to a acceptable point, they are powerful, but obviously have VERY dangerous risks with them, so it is balanced. 

 

The main issue here is the 'far away from equestria'. The location said their is part of Equestria. Maybe just say in a remote part of Equestria which nopony knows any more? Might work. 

 

Oh, one thing is missing, his special talent. If you just do those two things, il put it up for review

[RainbowDaringDash]

Special talent is what his cutie mark stands for lol

[zeodra14]

well his cutie mark is a lightning insignia with a jay bird on top xD 
pardon if you didn't quite recognize the bird one, it's hard to draw a jay bird

[RainbowDaringDash]

No, the special talent section of the App. In their, your ponies special talent is meant to be their. Either that, or you ahve put it somewhere in their and i have missed it, if which that is the case, i apologize lol

[zeodra14]

so you still have no idea what the special talent is... well his special talent is espionage and distractions much like a small bird and a jay bird itself. please do tell if that's not a special talent ... xD

[DerpRavener]

I think that works as a special talent.  You might have to be a little careful with it, I find those tend to use very different skill sets so it might be a bit broad, but I still think it could work.

 

It does raise some questions to me though, the big one being: how did he uncover this by body-blocking a lightning bolt?  Those things seem pretty unrelated to each other.

 

Also, generally speaking the special talent, the cutie mark and its origin are typically all included in the 'Cutie mark' section, unless the origin is in 'history'.  The way you have it here probably works fine, though as the three are related it might help to group them all together.  I don't think any of that will disqualify the character at all as things stand, but it would make reading it easier.

[RainbowDaringDash]

Yeah, derp basically said what im confused with. His special talent and the story dont really match up

[zeodra14]

please do tell if that can apply not sure if that's a special talent but as a pegasus, Flying through storms is a dangerous thing to do, He however can.

[RainbowDaringDash]

No, not really a special talent. Thats something any pegasus can do if they have the courage, it is dangerous, though not really a talent. 

 

It could be his special talent to absorb Lighting, which might work judging that he does get hit by it, while it would take out most, he can survive.

[DerpRavener]

I think it could be made to work as a special talent.  As it is, something is bugging me about it though.

 

After a bit of thought, there were two issues that I saw with it.  First is that it's characterized as capabilities rather than a central part of his character.  So, those things might make sense placed in the unique traits section, but they're not the sort of things that are central to the character in the way a special talent is.  Those are things he can do, whereas the special talent is generally something that the character is a) uniquely suited for and b) passionate about.  So if you really wanted to push the 'flying through hazardous weather' angle, one option would be adding something about him being a thrill-seeker, as an example.  Something for which, not only was he capable of it, but it is something also attracts him to that sort of thing.

Second, is special talents tend to be things which offer avenues for improvement.  Even if the character is really good at their specialty, part of the joy of pursuing such things is a character's ability to improve themselves doing it.  'If you've learned everything there is to know in your field, it's time to leave.'  As described, I'm not really sure what the skill being employed or developed here is, or what the Lightning Jay might be able to work towards with it.  Is it physical condition that lets him fly through storms?  Does he use some means of analyzing the storm which lets him fly between safe areas?

 

The other thing I'd like to learn about the character is what his special talent means for his day-to-day life, which actually brings me to another point.  We know a number of key events of his past, which his personality and are good to see, but I'm actually not sure what he does in his day to day life.  All I really know is that he lives in the Everfree Forest.  Sure, he works as an 'adventurer', but that's a pretty vague job, that could apply to a lot of different things.  How does he generally earn a living?  Does he get the food he needs from the forest and generally ignore earning bits?  Or does he have something he does regularly to earn an income?

Further questions: where does he go and/or what does he do when he wants to interact with other ponies?  Is there any places he frequents?  How does his special talent affect his means of earning income and socialization?

 

As a note: in every case I can remember, a special talent is as much a passion as it is an ability.  Twilight Sparkle isn't just good at magic, she also likes to practice, study and work with magic.  Applejack isn't just good at farming, she enjoys running a farm and orchard and thinks they're positive additions to the town.  Fluttershy likes working with animals, Rarity enjoys design work, etc etc.  So something to keep in mind, is that Lightning Jay shouldn't just be good at flying through dangerous storms, there should be something he generally likes about doing so.  Maybe he likes thunderstorms, both to look at and to fly through, and maybe he'd even make his own in remote areas when he's bored or hasn't seen on in a while.

 

 

As an aside: the stuff in 'additional info' should probably be added to 'unique traits'.  There isn't actually an 'additional info' section on the app form, and while exceptions could probably be made if needed, all of the things you have there probably belong in 'unique traits' anyways.

[zeodra14]

oh i see... i think who really suits these or atleast canterlot chronicles is either ember jack or Forge Clyde... Anyways i think i may have an idea about it thanks so much derp
wow guys thanks so much for all the time you'd spend to just look at this really am grateful, to that i may just have an idea about it.

There please do tell if you still think there's something wrong with jay i'm glad to change him as intended

[RainbowDaringDash]

Well, doign a run through, their are some thigns in here which i honestly don't know if it is, or isn't allowed. 

 

Im not getting the 'Him Today' part. That should just be put into the history at the end, but it needs smothing out. It might just be me, but it doesn't seem to be consistant, and it appears to jump everywhere... 

 

Other then that, and the things im not sure of, this is ready to go

[zeodra14]

ohh ok ok ok

[RainbowDaringDash]

In my opinion, i think its ready to pass up. Recommending for SRPH review

[zeodra14]

ok :3 thanks 

[SteelEagle]

Sorry for the long delay. I have been righteously busy, but I am here to help you now.

Please work on the structure of your app. Parts of it are nearly unreadable. I could, as a mod, go ahead and edit it for you but one of the reasons I'd like you to do it is so we can make sure you can RP with others and they will understand your writing. Beyond that, you have worked on your character to the point that I think he works well in the RP. Work on the grammar and structure of the app and I'll be happy to stamp it.

[zeodra14]

i see...
i.m glad to change whatever is necessary, and don't worry about long delays i know some of you guys get a bit too busy in your life and i understand that
i will do whatever it is you said and i hope it's gonna be fine.