Song Lyrics! (Can I has feedback?)

[AlextheAngel]

Hey, guys! This is a song I'm working on, and the lyrics are still a work in progress. It'll be a bit of time before the final product is finished, but I just want to see what you guys think of what I've got so far. (Warning, some parts may be a bit dark.)

 

 

(Verse 1)

 

I was lost,

Then I'm found,

Only to be lost again.

I gave her all,

Paved in gold,

With haunted secrets never told.

I've sewn this pillow, so I'll cry in it.

I've built this coffin, so I'll die in it.

 

Tell all my friends,

I dug a grave.

But these things still follow me.

I can't live like this.

(2x)

 

(Chorus)

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

She reaches out a hand,

And burns them away.

It's getting harder just to say goodbye. (2x)

 

(Verse 2)

 

Liars howl,

Faith will cringe,

When they see these demons in me.

All we've built,

Is crashing down,

The supports are finally cracking down.

I've sewn this pillow, so I'll cry in it.

I've built my coffin, so God let me die in it.

 

(Chorus)

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

She reaches out a hand,

And burns them away.

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

And then those sorrows are defeated,

And I can't believe it.

It's getting harder just to say goodbye. (2x)

 

(Breakdown)

 

When I dug my grave,

They said to try again.

 

(Try again, try again.)

 

I'm just too strong,

So I'll try again.

 

(Try again, try again.)

 

When I dug my grave...

 

(Bridge)

 

I'd rather die than live in fear.

They're calling out my name,

But I'm already there.

It's either now or never.

Those painful nights,

She hears every word I say.

 

All I can say...

All I can say for now is,

She's crawling back to me.

All I can say right now is,

She's crawling back to me.

 

(Chorus)

 

Just like the living dead... (3x)

My sorrows walk again.

And then those sorrows, are defeated.

And I can't believe it.

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

They all reach out a hand,

And burn them away.

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

And then those sorrows are defeated,

And I can't believe it.

It's getting harder just to say goodbye. (2x)

[InSaNiTyCaT]

Ok! There deep and meaningful and in my opinion and the tune I sung them in they worked well however I believe a draft tune on how you'd like them sung would be best for anyone to criticise of something of the sort.

 

Also with (x2) or whatever is that the whole verse/chorus/bride or just the line?

 

Is it rock?

Pop?

Low?

High?

Fast or slow!?

 

I'll ask because it may help you to get thinking more about it?

[AlextheAngel]

It's actually Metal, and I kinda had screamo vocals for some parts when I was thinking it. And it's at a pretty fast tempo, but I think I might add in a few tempo changes.

[InSaNiTyCaT]

Oh fair enough, then I'm not needed as I don't listen to music that follows that type but it's great reading them, I may just sing them to myself in my own little melody, hope you are successful!

 

[AlextheAngel]

Thanks!

Also, to answer your other question; if the (2x) is next to the line, then it repeats that line twice. If it's underneath the final line, then that whole section is repeated.

[Noedig]

Hey, that's pretty good!

I've made some lyrics myself. Though I did not have enough experience negotiating on how it was supposed to be sung. It was actually like a rap.

This starts off with a narration, after first section piece is done, it'll start to become speaking in rhythm with music.

 

 

First section

Gather 'round, children, there's tale I have to tell you.
It's about the darkest night of our time that went through.

It is terrifying, haunting, and especially exciting.
The air is chilling up, everypony knows it's coming.

Be wary, if you are more afraid than you think you hear,
If this story scares you, you will sink in fear.

This is no tale for the weak that easily fright.
This... is Nightmare Night.



Second section
Long, long ago, when two Princesses reigned,
This is Princess Luna's tale, surely she wasn't so feign.

Every night, she never sees a pony prancing with a glee,
Everypony would just tire from all the hard day's work to sleep.

Sinking in envy, sinking in sadness,
It all turned bad for the poor Night Mistress.

She turned majestic to horrific in the dark of the moon,
She was now called... Nightmare Moon!

Shrouded in darkness, filled with hatred,
O, She's as terrifying as she stands tall,
She eats anything in dreams till there's no more from it at all!



Third section
But alas, she has a weakness, and it was candy.
Give her some of it, and she will spare you as dandy.

Her bitter heart desires for the sweeter things,
Because she had it once before, and would love to have again,

So in case you find her, don't fear--
She's here.

So, now what will you do?
Will you give a piece or two?
How will she go through for you?
Your red heart is turning blue.

You must make the choice right now,
Will you give or are you foul?
She will make you bend to bow,
So, what's the choice that you will howl?

Will it be the Nightmare or some candy?

Choose wisely...

 

 

 

 

Last, 4th section

Good night, children. Safe dreams.

It's likely not impressive, but I liked making this nonetheless.

[AlextheAngel]

Nice! I liked that one.

[MetalBronyATL]

I must say, not bad! You've got a good start here. However, if I may, I have some thoughts that might help you.

 

If there's one piece of advice I could give you, it would to be working on developing your vocabulary and being more creative. I listen to a lot of melodic death metal and progressive metal, so I like lyrics that have a really deep meaning and make you think and take you on a journey as you hear the song.

 

From what I can tell, this song is about a relationship that didn't end well (of course I could be wrong, you know what it's about more than I do). When I write lyrics, I usually try and steer away from this topic since it's kind of tricky to write metal songs about love, relationships, breakups, etc. There is certainly nothing wrong with writing about those things, but you have to do it carefully. If you don't do it right, your song could end up sounding like a generic love song and you could come off as sounding whiny or emo. By no means am I calling your song a "generic love song" and I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT calling you "whiny" or "emo," because as I said before I think these lyrics are pretty good, but at the same time I could kinda see this becoming a Sleeping with Sirens song (and nobody wants that!).

 

Here's an example:

 

Chorus (As you wrote it):

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

She reaches out a hand,

And burns them away.

It's getting harder just to say goodbye.

 

How I would write the Chorus:

 

The desolation of my soul

Rises from the abyss that exists in me

My spirit taken away

And annihlated by malice

To breath again is to know agony

 

See how the second version is more subtle about the subject matter of the song? See how the sentences are more metaphorical and use bigger words?

 

So like I said, you did a great job writing these lyrics, but I encourage you to make them even better. Keep practicing! Keep developing stronger and deeper lyrics that are more creative and use better vocabulary. Before you know it you'll have a masterpiece in your hands!

 

 

Good luck and write on, friend! From one metalhead to another

[AlextheAngel]

I must say, not bad! You've got a good start here. However, if I may, I have some thoughts that might help you.

 

If there's one piece of advice I could give you, it would to be working on developing your vocabulary and being more creative. I listen to a lot of melodic death metal and progressive metal, so I like lyrics that have a really deep meaning and make you think and take you on a journey as you hear the song.

 

From what I can tell, this song is about a relationship that didn't end well (of course I could be wrong, you know what it's about more than I do). When I write lyrics, I usually try and steer away from this topic since it's kind of tricky to write metal songs about love, relationships, breakups, etc. There is certainly nothing wrong with writing about those things, but you have to do it carefully. If you don't do it right, your song could end up sounding like a generic love song and you could come off as sounding whiny or emo. By no means am I calling your song a "generic love song" and I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT calling you "whiny" or "emo," because as I said before I think these lyrics are pretty good, but at the same time I could kinda see this becoming a Sleeping with Sirens song (and nobody wants that!).

 

Here's an example:

 

Chorus (As you wrote it):

 

Just like the walking dead,

(Yeah!)

My sorrows live again.

She reaches out a hand,

And burns them away.

It's getting harder just to say goodbye.

 

How I would write the Chorus:

 

The desolation of my soul

Rises from the abyss that exists in me

My spirit taken away

And annihlated by malice

To breath again is to know agony

 

See how the second version is more subtle about the subject matter of the song? See how the sentences are more metaphorical and use bigger words?

 

So like I said, you did a great job writing these lyrics, but I encourage you to make them even better. Keep practicing! Keep developing stronger and deeper lyrics that are more creative and use better vocabulary. Before you know it you'll have a masterpiece in your hands!

 

 

Good luck and write on, friend! From one metalhead to another

Dude, I loved that new version, and I'll definitely consider adding them in. I'll admit, I'm not the greatest with medaphors, and a lot of my creation has dwindled since I stopped writing. I know what you mean about writing Sleeping With Sirens type songs, and I'm honestly trying to avoid that as much as possible. ._.

[MetalBronyATL]

You're on the right track. Don't worry about it. Just keep writing, it will get easier over time. Trust me, I've written many songs that ended up in the trash. But you're doing good bud. Keep it up.