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CandyStar

Darkness Over Equestria(feedback?)

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Before I begin, I thought i'd give a good atmospheric feel for the castle and the situation in this fic:


 



 


Song by Peter Gundry


 


I wanted to do a fic which features the Equestrian Mane Six and The Equinoxean Mane six. This will be a [Dark/Human/Alternate Universe] type of story, its about a human, who wakes up in Equinox, but Has no idea where he is, but only remembers his name. He will be conflicted with the choice of who to side with, both had told him the truth or a lie; and it's up to him to decide. His choice will determine the fate of the world as they know it, should he choose the wrong side, it will be the darkest day in Equestria's history.


 


So here's the link to the first chapter, it's unpublished, so be sure not to leak it out to the site: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/271334/1/darkness-over-equestria/chapter-1-welcome-to-equinox


 


______________________________


 


Please leave your feedback below, and if you're interested in helping, i do need more than one person to cover all the bases. So leave me a PM and i'll get back to you ASAP.


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My grammar seems to be a bit lacking, but i hope to get back into the story i abandoned after 5 years, but i wanted to bring it back. So if there are any problems, please let me know.

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Hm. I really don't see anything wrong, other than a few capitalisation errors. Other than that, the grammar is perfect.

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I just skimmed this, just because I thought it was interesting.

 

Yeah, you're right, the grammar here is a little all over the place. Some of it is good, other places it could be better. I like the use of semi colons though, it's a hot topic with grammar nerds. Personally I don't like using them all that much, but on the other hand it shows skill to use one correctly. 

 

If you like, I can go over it with a fine toothed comb and catch your errors. There are a few I spotted.

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I just skimmed this, just because I thought it was interesting.

 

Yeah, you're right, the grammar here is a little all over the place. Some of it is good, other places it could be better. I like the use of semi colons though, it's a hot topic with grammar nerds. Personally I don't like using them all that much, but on the other hand it shows skill to use one correctly. 

 

If you like, I can go over it with a fine toothed comb and catch your errors. There are a few I spotted.

Fire away ^_^

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Fire away ^_^

 

Sure thing, I'll get back to you when I've gone through it.

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Take your time, i don't mind ^_^

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Tamuro awakens with a groan, his head throbbing from the pain; Dimmed Star turned to see him finally awake. Smiling, she acted as if she didn't even notice him. From the bits and pieces of the conversation the six are having; it seems to be about him directly.

 

 

Right, first paragraph. 'Awakens' should be 'awoke' since we're using past tense here. 'awakens' is the present tense form. 

 

Semi colon is used correctly here, I think... Yeah, I'd roll with it. Semi colons are one of those odd bits of grammar where nobody's quite sure if it's relevant anymore. I like to see their use, once or twice, it shows knowledge. 

 

'Smiling, she acted...' I would change that to something like. 'With a smile, she acted...'. That seems to go better.

 

Second semi colon here I would replace with a comma since I don't think it's worth a whole independent clause.

 

 

 

"What shall we do with him, Dimmed Star? Sloth here could stand to gain a few more pounds."  An unexpected, snake-like hiss seemed to emanate from one of the ponies.

"You think you're so funny, huh, Stone?! I'll kill you myself!!" growled Sloth, poised to attack.

 

First line is fine. I would reposition it a little to something like this. ' "What shall we do with him, Dimmed Star?" An unexpected, snake-like hiss seemed to emanate from one of the ponies. "Sloth here could stand to gain a few more pounds." ' That flows better to me, but hey, I think that's just artistic styling.

 

Okay, second part... Yeah, one should never use '?!' like that, unless you're being ironic. It's bad literary practice. You should also never use two exclamation marks. '!!' To be honest, I would never use them at all since they're seen as unprofessional by a fair few. If you are going to use them, one is enough though.

 

 

"Girls, that's enough," interjected Dimmed Star before things escalated further. "We can't be fighting amongst ourselves, we have a guest." All six turned toward Tamuro, faces fully revealed to him. "Hello, Human, we're so happy to see you're still alive. I was afraid Sloth had bucked you too hard, but it seems I worried for nothing." says Dimmed Star, acting relieved to see him unharmed.

 

New paragraph before 'All six turned toward...' It's switching actor so needs a new paragraph. As a rule as soon as a new person speaks there needs to be a new line, I think you need to clarify who's speaking here before the speech instead of after, I was confused for a moment as to who was speaking. Could even use another new paragraph as Dimmed Star speaks, that would make it cleaner again.

 

Next thing that part needs a rewrite. Capitalisation and tense error. (I'm still assuming this is past tense we're using since that's what you're doing throughout.) I would rewrite to. ' "...I was afraid Sloth had bucked you too hard. It seems I was worried over nothing," Dimmed Star said with a slight tone of mockery, acting relieved to see him unharmed.'

 

 

"Stay away!!" cries Tamuro,  Dimmed Star slowly trotted towards him, a foul, gut wrenching stench increasingly overpowering him with each step she took. Tamuro could hear a barely perceptible squish when she stepped, like something grimey was stuck to her hooves. Tamuro clenched his teeth as he forced himself to tear his gaze away from her eyes and down to her hooves. His heart began to slam against his chest, his breathing doubled, it took all of his being not to scream when he saw soft bits of flesh stuck to the bottom of her hooves.

 

Again, exclamation marks. Don't use them like that. Again, a tense error. I'm not sure if you're meant to be doing present tense or past tense here. Past tense is better, but if you're trying to do present then it's not correct. 

 

There's a comma after that first 'Tamuro' that should really be a full stop.

 

Another comma error there, I would say to take that second one out as the sentence doesn't work with an imbedded clause like that. Good description though...

 

I would rewrite that last sentence to ' ...against his chest, his breathing doubled and it took all of...' I think that reads better, though it works as a sentence.

 

 

Dimmed Star paused, examining the boy. His face was pulled back in shock, his eyes so wide they seemed to almost pop from their sockets, his chest rising and falling rapidly, his mouth opening and closing trying to scream, and her favorite part: his whole body trembling and convulsing in fear. She began to step towards him again, she couldn't hold back the twisted smile that  spread across her face, revealing her gnarled teeth that were filed to fangs. "Humans are such cowards", she thought, almost laughing when the boy's face somehow pulled back even farther.

 

I would say a colon is needed at 'His face was pulled back in shock: his eyes so wide they...' Not at the end of a list. To be honest I wouldn't structure this as a list, but hey. It works.

 

Next sentence is a very good imbedded clause actually. Nice.

 

' "Humans are such cowards," she thought, almost...' Comma should be inside the quote marks.

 

 

"Can i play with him now, Dimmed Star?" asks Zalgy Cake,  but Dimmed Star glared at her with disapproval, making Zalgy's ears fold. "Oh come on! I won't hurt him; just want to play a game, that's all" The way that is said makes Tamuro's blood run cold, and made him back away.Dimmed Star stands between him and the others. "The Queen says nopony is to touch him, so hooves off, Zalgy. This one is special, so let us treat him as such." Dimmed Star looked over her shoulder, and gave Dull Sloth an accusing glare. "That goes for you to, Sloth, disobey and the Queen will have your head; even if I must do it myself."Turning her back, she can only sulk about it. "Fine, I won't touch your little lab rat, Dimmed Star, but you owe me." Dull Sloth growled in frustration.Walking back toward her friend, she replied again, "Of course I will, don't get in such a tizzy over it, Sloth." Dimmed Star Turns her eyes back toward Tamuro, "You're lucky, not many who come here are so fortunate. If you wish to live, then behave yourself." warned Dimmed Star. Suddenly, six crimson eyes pierce the darkness, and into the room, all six turned and bow respectfully. "You too" Tamuro is forced to his hands and knees with her magic.

 

Again, tense error. 'Asked'. If you like I can go back through this and correct all the past tense and change it to present, but to be honest I would use past tense, it works a lot better. That first sentence needs a full stop somewhere though, and a new paragraph. I think... ' "Star?" Zalgy Cake asked. // Dimmed Star glared at her...'

 

There needs to be a full stop at the end of those quotes, after the semi colon. Then begin a new paragraph since we're switching up the subject.

 

This next part should be 'The way that is said made Tamuro's...' since it's past we're using here. Another tense error after that again. 'Dimmed Star stood between him...' I would then use another way to describe Dimmed Star after that like 'she' or 'the (whatever she is supposed to be, I don't know)' since using her name too much gets a little repetitive.

 

Yet another semi colon, I don't think that works there again. It could easily be a comma, and that tends to be the rule. Use a comma, but if it won't work with that then use a semi colon.

 

4th Line after the Speech that should be 'She turned her back, sulking.' Then a new paragraph.

 

As Dull Sloth is walking back I think that should be. ' Dull Sloth growled in frustration and walked back towards her friend. There's another tense error there and the sentence reads a little wrong.

 

Then when Dimmed Star replies, there should be a new paragraph. Then there's another tense error. 'Dimmed Star turned her eyes back toward...' After that, 'then behave yourself.' shouldn't have a full stop. That should be a comma.

 

That last part really should be rewritten as a seperate paragraph. I would suggest. 'In a flash, six crimson eyes pierced the darkness. All six of the group turned and bowed with respect. Dimmed Star turned and glared at Tamuro. // "You too," she snarled, then forced the human onto his knees with her magic.

 

 

"So, this is our new guest, is it? A pleasure to meet you, Tamuro." Shocked at how this pony would know his name, he tried to get up, but is forced back down again. A glare from Dimmed Star made it clear he isn't allowed to stand; only keep in that position unless told otherwise. "Tell me boy, how did you find that gateway? I have much interest in it." an evil grin spreads across her face.

 

I think you need to expand once this newcomer speaks. Tell us it's speaking, then begin a new paragraph.

 

Tense error again a little after. '...but was forced back down again. A glare from Dimmed Star made it clear he wasn't allowed to stand; only keep in that position unless told otherwise.' Then a little ways after that there's a capitalisation error. '...I have much interest in it," she asked as an evil grin spread across her face.'

 

And that's it, every error I managed to spot. I know it sounds like a lot of negativity, but I kinda liked it. It just needs polish is all, hehe. Still, if you make those edits, it's very good.

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Thank you, the thing is, i don't like people who are mean about it and just say offensive things. I prefer people who will tell exactly what is wrong, and not make me feel like it was entirely my fault. Yeah i make mistakes, just want to say that no story is original, since published authors have done some pretty similar things, ours would be just cliches in truth.

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Of course, hehe. I'm not trying to be mean about this, why should I? You asked for help and I'm trying to help by showing you what I saw. Keep in mind a few of those things can be ignored since some of it is likely your own artistic style. 

 

Everybody makes mistakes. We're only human after all, I'm just trying to help. I make mistakes like these all the time, I just go through it again and correct them. No biggie. That's what editors and proof readers are for, sometimes we just need a fresh pair of eyes.

 

Still, you are quite right. There are no original works anymore. A shame really.

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Of course, hehe. I'm not trying to be mean about this, why should I? You asked for help and I'm trying to help by showing you what I saw. Keep in mind a few of those things can be ignored since some of it is likely your own artistic style. 

 

Everybody makes mistakes. We're only human after all, I'm just trying to help. I make mistakes like these all the time, I just go through it again and correct them. No biggie. That's what editors and proof readers are for, sometimes we just need a fresh pair of eyes.

 

Still, you are quite right. There are no original works anymore. A shame really.

I'm not saying anything bad about your review, just saying that i do my best everyday. I'm just so used to getting offensively slammed by people who don't respect my story and don't treat it as such.

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Well those people are idiots. Hehe. I do my best to respect the author of stories. After all, we put a lot of effort into what we do, the least we can do is be kind and generous. Hehe.

 

Still, I felt it was okay. It was an interesting read and I'd be happy to edit, or review or whatever, again if you wanted me to.

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Well those people are idiots. Hehe. I do my best to respect the author of stories. After all, we put a lot of effort into what we do, the least we can do is be kind and generous. Hehe.

 

Still, I felt it was okay. It was an interesting read and I'd be happy to edit, or review or whatever, again if you wanted me to.

That would be nice, thank you. But if you wish to see it personally, here's the link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/271334/darkness-over-equestria

 

I've made t available to you, so there should be no problems viewing it.

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I have to say one thing, a friend helped me fix it a little, so some of the more detailed parts were his ideas.

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Again, tense error. 'Asked'. If you like I can go back through this and correct all the past tense and change it to present, but to be honest I would use past tense, it works a lot better. That first sentence needs a full stop somewhere though, and a new paragraph. I think... ' "Star?" Zalgy Cake asked. // Dimmed Star glared at her...'

I didn't get this one, it's a little confusing, sorry.

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"Can i play with him now, Dimmed Star?" asks Zalgy Cake,  but Dimmed Star glared at her with disapproval, making Zalgy's ears fold.

 

That's your sentence. There's a tense error in there so let's correct that first.

 

 

"Can i play with him now, Dimmed Star?" Zalgy Cake asked,  but Dimmed Star glared at her with disapproval, making Zalgy's ears fold.

 

Then the sentence needs to be broken into seperate paragraphs. Like I said, as soon as you're discussing someone else, it needs to be a new paragraph. I would recommend.

 

 

"Can i play with him now, Dimmed Star?" Zalgy Cake asked,  

 

Dimmed Star glared at her with disapproval, making Zalgy's ears fold.

 

Then all that needs is a full stop on the end of 'asked' like so.

 

 

"Can I play with him now, Dimmed Star?" Zalgy Cake asked.

 

Dimmed Star glared at her with disapproval, making Zalgy's ears fold.

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I shall bookmark your story and go through it at my leisure. Would you like me to contact you on FIMfiction about it?

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Yes, it would help. I'm working on another short series for Prism Force. But these are kind of like the deleted scenes of a movie.

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I shall bookmark your story and go through it at my leisure. Would you like me to contact you on FIMfiction about it?

My username is DullSlothMinion. Cause i mostly do dark, but very little of cute SoL.

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My username is DullSlothMinion. Cause i mostly do dark, but very little of cute SoL.

 

Fair enough. Not a big fan of dark myself, but hey, if I can help. Hehe.

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Fair enough. Not a big fan of dark myself, but hey, if I can help. Hehe.

 

I tried to do what you said, but hope i didn't botch it.

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I tried to do what you said, but hope i didn't botch it.

 

I'll check it when I get the chance.

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I'll check it when I get the chance.

I keep losing my energy and had to stop on the part wheer zaly asks if she could play with tamuro. So i couldn't get anything done in it. 

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I keep losing my energy and had to stop on the part wheer zaly asks if she could play with tamuro. So i couldn't get anything done in it. 

 

Hey that's most of the way through. Going back and editing is harder than writing after all. Hehe.

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Hey that's most of the way through. Going back and editing is harder than writing after all. Hehe.

Yeah, you're right. mlp-pgrin.png

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