Feedback/CC on your OCs

[RainbowCream]

Howdy howdy.   

 

Before you just spam away your characters, I would like to explain a bit.  I'm not here to spread my opinion on what makes a "good OC" That's beside the point,  so no, I wont make fun of your alicorn of everything who also is on fire all the time. 

 

However, I would point out that the flames would probably lite a lot of things on fire.  In fact, i'd point out just about anything about your character that doesn't really make sense logically.

 

This isn't a place for butt pats.  I will not squee all over your characters and tell you they are perfect as is...the point of this process is the examine them critically and try to find any flaws in their story, character, etc.

 

 

If that's ok with you, thn drop a profile,  or info page. 

 

-DO NOT GIVE ME A FAN FIC TO READ-

 

If I wanted to read fan fics and critique them....I'd read fan fics and critique them.

 

Pictures are optional,  but if there is one, that will also weigh in.  Don't worry, i'm not worried about quality of art,  just checking name/cutie mark/colours, etc. 

 

At the end of it all, you should have a few paragraphs,  and some suggestions of how to deal with any issues,  if you so choose.

 

 

Oh, who am I to provide this?  Well a historian/English major. (I do not work in either of those fields......WOO COLLEGE)  and have an expansive knowledge of pony lore.  Also a bingo sheet....yes..i'm looking for cliches.

[DreamySunday]

Roleplay Type: World of Horsenamequestria

Name: Horse name

Sex: Stalionliest Man stallion ever.

Age: Supa young and hip bro

Species: Dirt pone mastur race!

Eye colour: All of the blues in the left eye and all the reds in the right one.

Coat: Jet black

Mane/Tail: Neon green

Physique: The tallest and buffliest of Stanly horses

Residence: Solid gold manchin in the dark and spooky everfree forest

Occupation: The Manliest Golden Florist wrestler who is also Bat mane on the side.

Cutie Mark: A picture of Big mac

History:

Daggerfall is a city in the Breton homeland of High Rock. The player is sent here at the personal request of the Emperor. He wants the player to do two things. First, the player must free the ghost of the late King Lysandus from his earthly shackles. Secondly, the player must retrieve a letter from the Emperor to a Blades spy in the court of Daggerfall. The letter reveals that Lysandus' mother, Nulfaga, knows the location of the Mantella, the key to resurrecting the first Numidium. The Emperor wants his spy to force Nulfaga into revealing the location of the Mantella so that the Blades can finish the reconstruction of the Numidium. Through a series of mishaps and confusions the letter fell into the hands of an orc by the name of Gortworg. Gortworg, not knowing what the Mantella is, consults Mannimarco, the King of Worms (the leader of the Necromancers). During this time, the Underking who originally destroyed the first Numidium because of its misuse by Tiber Septim, is recuperating deep within a tomb of High Rock, after expending so much energy destroying it the first time. In order for the player to give the Mantella to anyone, the player must kill king Lysandus' murderer and put his ghost to rest. After accomplishing this, the power of the Mantella restores the Underking's power.

Endings
Daggerfall has six different endings:
If the Hero activates the Mantella himself while in possession of the [Totem of Tiber Septim (the controlling device of the Numidium), the Numidium will slay the Hero, go out of control, and be destroyed by Imperial forces. This ending actually did not exist in the game. It is possible that this ending was planned for the game but was never added into the finished game, as it is mentioned in The Daggerfall Chronicles strategy guide.
If the Hero gives the Mantella to the Underking, he absorbs its power, passes into eternal rest, and creates a large "magicka free" area around himself.
If Gortworg is victorious, he uses the Numidium to destroy the Imperial forces and the "Bay Kings," the "rulers" of the several provinces of the Iliac Bay. The Underking arrives shortly thereafter to destroy the first Numidium once and for all, losing his own life in the process. Gortworg then succeeds in creating Orsinium, a kingdom of Orcs.
If the Blades are victorious, they succeed in recreating the first Numidium and use it to defeat the Bay Kings, defeat the Orcs, and to unite all the provinces of Tamriel under the Empire once again.
If one of the Bay Kings wins (any of them), they use the first Numidium to defeat all the other kings just before the Underking destroys it and himself.
If Mannimarco receives the Mantella, he uses it to make himself a god.
Continuity
Since Daggerfall had six very different endings, the writers of The Elder Scrolls series had to be creative when writing the sequel. It is revealed in books in the sequel The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind that at the end of Daggerfall, an event known as the "Warp of the West" or "The Miracle of Peace" had occurred, that is, due to the fact that in order to retrieve the Mantella, the Hero of Daggerfall must enter Aetherius (a spirit realm), a disruption was caused in space-time, due to the fact that one of the very Gods of Aetherius (Akatosh) is the dragon god of time. Therefore, all of the endings of Daggerfall occurred simultaneously: the Hero is slain by the Numidium, the Kingdoms of Betony, Sentinel and Wayrest are victorious, the "Bay Kings" and the Imperial forces are defeated by the Orcs, who then create their own kingdom of Orsinium, all of Tamriel is united under the Empire once again, the King of Worms becomes a god and another incarnation becomes the leader of the Order of the Black Worm, and the Underking is reunited with his heart.


Character Summary:

The Numidium was constructed by Dwemer artisans during the First Era, and was intended to serve as a god of sorts for the Dwemer people. There are many theories propose that it was built to allow for the mortal plane's transcendence. The original power source was the Heart of Lorkhan, whose power the Dwemer had accessed using Kagrenac's Tools: Keening, Sunder, and Wraithguard. It was first used in the Battle of Red Mountain, when Chimer forces assailed the Dwemer stronghold and captured it after the mysterious disappearance of the Dwemer.
The Numidium was gifted to Tiber Septim by the Tribunal in return for Morrowind's semi-autonomy. The Emperor ordered his Imperial Battlemage, Zurin Arctus, to construct a control device known as the Totem of Tiber Septim. The Tribunal did not include the Heart as a power source, so a new one called the Mantella was created and infused with powerful life energy.
The Numidium was used by Tiber Septim to subjugate all of Tamriel, including the neutral Tamrielic royal families, in an attempt to eliminate anyone not absolutely loyal to his rule. An enraged Zurin Arctus attempted to halt the Emperor's mad conquest, and in the ensuing chaos, the Totem was lost and the Numidium was shattered.
In Daggerfall, the Mantella is recovered, and the Numidium is activated by an unknown person. As a result, a "Dragon Break" (a spacetime anomaly) occurs. Subsequently, multiple endings of Daggerfall occur simultaneously: the Kings of Iliac Bay are defeated, preventing a major war; Orcs become citizens of the Empire; the King of Worms becomes a god; the Underking dies, and The Hero of Daggerfall is slain. The Numidium completely disappears as a result.

 

have an expansive knowledge of pony lore.

You say you have an expansive knowledge of pony lore. But do you know the lore of THIS website?

 

I'd also like to take a look at that bingo card. If you'd be so kind  

[QuickLime]

Yeahh your expansive  knowledge of lore might do you no good if you aren't knowledgeable of Canterlot Lore.

[RainbowCream]

 

You say you have an expansive knowledge of pony lore. But do you know the lore of THIS website?

 

 

Yeahh your expansive  knowledge of lore might do you no good if you aren't knowledgeable of Canterlot Lore.

If your goal is to be judged by this website/a unique RP/ the characters own world.

 

Then clearly I am not suited to criticize that character,  and it would behoove you to not post your character here.   Sorry, I thought I made that rather clear in the first post

 

Glad I could clear that up for you however,  thank you.

 

 

@dreamysunday   ~  give me a bit of time,  should have it up within a day or so...-is nightmare night,  might get distracted-

[QuickLime]

If your goal is to be judged by this website/a unique RP/ the characters own world.

 

Then clearly I am not suited to criticize that character,  and it would behoove you to not post your character here.   Sorry, I thought I made that rather clear in the first post

 

Glad I could clear that up for you however,  thank you.

 

 

@dreamysunday   ~  give me a bit of time,  should have it up within a day or so...-is nightmare night,  might get distracted-

All characters are made with this Canterlot lore unless they are for Free for All

[RainbowCream]

Roleplay Type: World of Horsenamequestria

Name: Horse name

Sex: Stalionliest Man stallion ever.

Age: Supa young and hip bro

Species: Dirt pone mastur race!

Eye colour: All of the blues in the left eye and all the reds in the right one.

Coat: Jet black

Mane/Tail: Neon green

Physique: The tallest and buffliest of Stanly horses

Residence: Solid gold manchin in the dark and spooky everfree forest

Occupation: The Manliest Golden Florist wrestler who is also Bat mane on the side.

Cutie Mark: A picture of Big mac

History:

Daggerfall is a city in the Breton homeland of High Rock. The player is sent here at the personal request of the Emperor. He wants the player to do two things. First, the player must free the ghost of the late King Lysandus from his earthly shackles. Secondly, the player must retrieve a letter from the Emperor to a Blades spy in the court of Daggerfall. The letter reveals that Lysandus' mother, Nulfaga, knows the location of the Mantella, the key to resurrecting the first Numidium. The Emperor wants his spy to force Nulfaga into revealing the location of the Mantella so that the Blades can finish the reconstruction of the Numidium. Through a series of mishaps and confusions the letter fell into the hands of an orc by the name of Gortworg. Gortworg, not knowing what the Mantella is, consults Mannimarco, the King of Worms (the leader of the Necromancers). During this time, the Underking who originally destroyed the first Numidium because of its misuse by Tiber Septim, is recuperating deep within a tomb of High Rock, after expending so much energy destroying it the first time. In order for the player to give the Mantella to anyone, the player must kill king Lysandus' murderer and put his ghost to rest. After accomplishing this, the power of the Mantella restores the Underking's power.

Endings

Daggerfall has six different endings:

If the Hero activates the Mantella himself while in possession of the [Totem of Tiber Septim (the controlling device of the Numidium), the Numidium will slay the Hero, go out of control, and be destroyed by Imperial forces. This ending actually did not exist in the game. It is possible that this ending was planned for the game but was never added into the finished game, as it is mentioned in The Daggerfall Chronicles strategy guide.

If the Hero gives the Mantella to the Underking, he absorbs its power, passes into eternal rest, and creates a large "magicka free" area around himself.

If Gortworg is victorious, he uses the Numidium to destroy the Imperial forces and the "Bay Kings," the "rulers" of the several provinces of the Iliac Bay. The Underking arrives shortly thereafter to destroy the first Numidium once and for all, losing his own life in the process. Gortworg then succeeds in creating Orsinium, a kingdom of Orcs.

If the Blades are victorious, they succeed in recreating the first Numidium and use it to defeat the Bay Kings, defeat the Orcs, and to unite all the provinces of Tamriel under the Empire once again.

If one of the Bay Kings wins (any of them), they use the first Numidium to defeat all the other kings just before the Underking destroys it and himself.

If Mannimarco receives the Mantella, he uses it to make himself a god.

Continuity

Since Daggerfall had six very different endings, the writers of The Elder Scrolls series had to be creative when writing the sequel. It is revealed in books in the sequel The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind that at the end of Daggerfall, an event known as the "Warp of the West" or "The Miracle of Peace" had occurred, that is, due to the fact that in order to retrieve the Mantella, the Hero of Daggerfall must enter Aetherius (a spirit realm), a disruption was caused in space-time, due to the fact that one of the very Gods of Aetherius (Akatosh) is the dragon god of time. Therefore, all of the endings of Daggerfall occurred simultaneously: the Hero is slain by the Numidium, the Kingdoms of Betony, Sentinel and Wayrest are victorious, the "Bay Kings" and the Imperial forces are defeated by the Orcs, who then create their own kingdom of Orsinium, all of Tamriel is united under the Empire once again, the King of Worms becomes a god and another incarnation becomes the leader of the Order of the Black Worm, and the Underking is reunited with his heart.

Character Summary:

The Numidium was constructed by Dwemer artisans during the First Era, and was intended to serve as a god of sorts for the Dwemer people. There are many theories propose that it was built to allow for the mortal plane's transcendence. The original power source was the Heart of Lorkhan, whose power the Dwemer had accessed using Kagrenac's Tools: Keening, Sunder, and Wraithguard. It was first used in the Battle of Red Mountain, when Chimer forces assailed the Dwemer stronghold and captured it after the mysterious disappearance of the Dwemer.

The Numidium was gifted to Tiber Septim by the Tribunal in return for Morrowind's semi-autonomy. The Emperor ordered his Imperial Battlemage, Zurin Arctus, to construct a control device known as the Totem of Tiber Septim. The Tribunal did not include the Heart as a power source, so a new one called the Mantella was created and infused with powerful life energy.

The Numidium was used by Tiber Septim to subjugate all of Tamriel, including the neutral Tamrielic royal families, in an attempt to eliminate anyone not absolutely loyal to his rule. An enraged Zurin Arctus attempted to halt the Emperor's mad conquest, and in the ensuing chaos, the Totem was lost and the Numidium was shattered.

In Daggerfall, the Mantella is recovered, and the Numidium is activated by an unknown person. As a result, a "Dragon Break" (a spacetime anomaly) occurs. Subsequently, multiple endings of Daggerfall occur simultaneously: the Kings of Iliac Bay are defeated, preventing a major war; Orcs become citizens of the Empire; the King of Worms becomes a god; the Underking dies, and The Hero of Daggerfall is slain. The Numidium completely disappears as a result.

 

Not the most fleshed out profile I've seen,  but since you were curious enough I shall do my best.   

 

It would seem most of your profile is actually the Wikipedia article on Daggerfall.   While not the best of the series, it certainly beats out ESO,  for a better review of that I would like to redirect you to

http://www.metacritic.com/game/pc/the-elder-scrolls-chapter-ii---daggerfall

 

As for the pony bits in this description,   Lets start with the obvious.    Cutiemark Unrelated,  as my bingo sheet says,  which sorry,  unless I am doing a bingo stream,  isn't shown public.   A cutiemark should be a reflection of the ponies abilities which you list as being immensely manly and stalliony.   I know this is a bit of a debate,  but both Iron Will, and Bulk  Biceps are considerably more manly than Big Mac.   This may lead to some confusion with other ponies. 

 

His colour scheme is rather vibrant as well, though I do like the red spectrum in one eye,  and blue spectrum in the other,   do you have a reference, I'd love to see how you deal with warm blue in each eye.   While nothing particularly wrong with that,   it does seem just a bit too  vibrant for a manly florist.   Perhaps some more docile earth tones would be a bit better.  Green would be an easy colour to work with since it's usually associated with the "Green thumb" of gardeners,  terra itself, and of course,  envy.   Something that all the unmanly, unstalliony ponies will no doubt be full of toward Horse Name.

 

Horse Name.  For MLP at least, a name usually has some sorta pun, or play into the ponies personality.  Horse Name just doesn't express this element of manhood and unbridled stallion that he is to represent.   That's about all I got.  Thank you,  hopefully it was what you were looking for.

[QuickLime]

There is one thing you neglected to notice in your analysts..

That it was obviously a joke one and not serious in the slightest.

[DreamySunday]

There is one thing you neglected to notice in your analysts..

That it was obviously a joke one and not serious in the slightest.

 

It's not joke. Just ask Corsair. It's the most serious of apps.

[DreamySunday]

It would seem most of your profile is actually the Wikipedia article on Daggerfall. While not the best of the series,

HERESY! Why would you insult me like this?                   

 

I know this is a bit of a debate,  but both Iron Will, and Bulk  Biceps are considerably more manly than Big Mac.   This may lead to some confusion with other ponies.

If the cutie mark was going to be a picture of the most manly and stalliony of things it would be a picture of himself 

[Noedig]

Gee, I feel like if I posted in the biographic details of my OC here, I'd get shut down by this guy.

No sarcasm.

[DreamySunday]

Worth a shot I say

[Dust]

Name: Dusty "Pink" Trott

Gender: Male

Age: 23 (Or the equine equivalent)

Species: Unicorn // Pony // Equine

Eye colour: Light Pink

Character colour: Cream

Mane/Tail/Other: Light Brown w/ Pink streaks [Mane] // Ditto [Tail] // Mane is medium-long in length and worn freely on the right side of his face, covering his right eye // Tail is medium-short in length and well groomed

Physique: Small, Feminine

Residence: Hoofington

Occupation: Musician

Cutie Mark: Swirled bar and staff w/ Treble (G) Clef with a single eighth note (D-note) and one double eighth note (F-note and G-note)

Unique Traits: Musically talented, Art enthusiast, Well practiced in music and practical magics, Fashion enthusiast, Adventurous

History: Dusty Trott was born in the city limits of Hoofington to a workaholic mother and was often left in the care of his 'stay-at-home' father. His mother worked as an advertising consultant for the local news paper while his father could never hold down a job and stopped trying to around the time that Dusty was a young colt just entering school. Dusty would often spend his time in school taking notes without actually retaining the information he wrote down and either writing music or writing rather odd and slightly inappropriate short stories with his friends. When school ended, Dusty was always greeted by his father when Dusty arrived home. He and his father had a very close relationship both personally and on a friend to friend basis. Often times Dusty and his father would spend time playing video games on the neightendo game crate or play Royal Guard Captain in the back yard and around the house. During Dusty's teen years, he picked a love for all things music, a love for winter fashion as well as a thirst for adventure. On the opposite side of the coin, Dusty had picked up smoking tobacco and had a fun time with his friends trespassing on either abandoned or half finished property. He never did get in any serious trouble with the law, but his father did not approve of his smoking habits (a habit that Dusty's father had never cared to share with Dusty's mother). Dusty has gone by the nickname "Pink" since his early years in school. The name was coined and stuck with him due to his first teacher having referred to him as such on the first day of school in regards to the pink striped scarf Dusty was wearing (at the time it was extremely long on him. So much so that it was constantly dragging behind him as he walked about.). Said scarf was a gift from his mother. He had been given the scarf the day he was born. Originally the scarf was Dusty's mother's, but she always draped it around him and by the time Dusty was old enough to say anything about it, he had already grown fond of the thing. Dusty continued on this way all the way through his adolescence past high school (which he barely made it through). During his highschool career, Dusty learned to actually play the music he had been writing. He picked up the guitar, the piano, basic concussion and at one point took the time to learn the necessary tech required to play electronic music, but it never really went anywhere and Dusty eventually lost interest with it. Dusty favors the pipe organ above all instruments. Despite this, he plays guitar the best, and the most. These days, Dusty is living outside the jurisdiction of his mother and father in a small flat in Hoofington. He is jobless but regularly receives the expendable income his mother makes as well as whatever cash he can scrounge up from doing odd jobs for friends, family, and neighbors. On top of all that, Dusty does occasionally score some spending money from playing music with his friends, but it isn't exactly lucrative or often he does so.

Character Personality: Adventurous, Semi-crude mannered, Feminine, Loyal, Aloof, Gentle and Sincere.

Character Summary: In short, Dusty is a rather feminine stallion who is never seen without his mother's pink striped scarf. He is fond of music, art, video games and friendship. In a group, Dusty is often playing the role of 'social coordinator' (Starting conversations and getting those involved moving along with said conversation). Dusty favors to socialize from the inside of the group, keeping discussions among friends and friends only. Outside of his friend circle, Dusty is cautious regarding new folks. He is a musician and a royal goofball. Often times Dusty will prefer to be be called "Pink".

Zoi's PC3 rendering of Dusty Trott

Such a cute looking poni

[RainbowCream]

Gee, I feel like if I posted in the biographic details of my OC here, I'd get shut down by this guy.

No sarcasm.

 

Shut down....probably not.   I gain nothing by just being an insulting jerk wad.  That being said,  if you do post a character and I tear it 7 different ways from sunday,  you can be sure that I'll stitch it back together.   This is about improvement after all,  not stamping everything as "best poneh evar"  

 

If you're still unsure,  you can always just PM me the profile and have it done behind closed curtains.  

[CandyStar]

 @RainbowCream Just to let you know, i can take criticism very well. So don't hold back on me, ya hear?

 

 

 

 

 

Name: Candy Star
 

Gender: Female
 

Age: Teen
 

Species: Earth Pony
 

Eye colour: Pink.
 

Character colour: White
 

Mane/Tail/Other: medium length, poofy , and has the color of cotton candy with some sense of neatness.
 

Physique: Average build
 

Residence: Ponyville
 

Occupation: Candy Maker
 

Cutie Mark: Three Konpeito, a Japanese sugar candy.
 

Unique Traits: The one thing Candy loves most is spending time with her friends, she treasures those friendships every day. Though there may be some disagreements, it can always be fixed with an apology or a simple hug. Also seems to lack control of her feelings when upset, leading to some unpleasant experiences. She wears a pink scarf at all times, a gift from her mother before they left for Tall Tales; holds great sentimental value to her.
 

History:  Candy Star was born in Tall Tales, a city in which she has known for years, but her family, wanting the best for their daughter, set out to find a better place to raise her. They're choice? Ponyville. Here she could meet others her age and hopefully get along just fine with them. When finally she becomes a teen, she is taught responsibility when her parents buy a store for her to work at. This store would be whatever she wanted it to be, and as they suspected, she chooses a candy shop of all occupations, and became a Candy Maker. Supporting her goal, the mother and father gave and taught her everything she would need to succeed and left for Tall Tales again.

Hearing this, Candy Star felt sad, but knew it wasn't right to go back and try to live with them again, she was a teen and needed to act like one. Through those tough times, she persevered and made a living making candy, earning her cutie mark along the way. Candy Star still takes the time to make trips to see her parents when she has to close shop for the day and is happy to learn they are on their business trips.

Now with new friends, Candy Star pushes forward with her motto in tow: "Friends help each other, no matter what!"

 

 

Character Personality: Good-humored, tolerant, and approachable. Also easy-going, calm, serene and peaceful. Ponies don't expect her to be overly emotional; they would be very surprised if she lost her temper. Also of a cheerful nature, which allows her to easily make many friends.

 

Character Summary: Being good humored, she makes ponies around her feel better about themselves, and a few laughs in between. Her tolerance is limited, considering her sensitivity, if made fun of, she gets easily upset. But annoyances are not much of a deal to her. Anypony wishing to talk with Candy will have an easy time of it, as she enjoys others company, and making friends, the more the merrier. With her easy-going, calm and peaceful demeanor, she can appear happy, and go about the town without worrying anypony. Being overly emotional, she sometimes hides behind a smile, and doesn't show sign of unhappiness, as they say, practice makes perfect. But when caught in the act, Candy will show it, knowing it can't be hid anymore. The best thing about her life, is that she has friends that help bring her spirits back whenever the need arises.