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LunarRelic

Halloween Fanfiction from last year

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Hey everypony! Well I've been wanting to do this for a while and I finally worked up the guts to do it. I am posting my old Halloween fanfiction I wrote for Haloween 2015 and posted on FimFiction and fanfiction but FImFiction has the sequel I am working on ;). Anyway here it is if you are interested Oh and heads up my OC Lunar Relic is included so if you don't like OC's you might not like this story to begin with. Also it is a 17.6 thousand word story divided into 10 and I should have all spelling and grammar issues sorted out (Excluding some of Applejacks speech since that is for effect) Anyways if you read it and find any problems with spelling and/or grammer I missed please let me know.

Description:  After everything settles down from the Tirek issue everypony returns to a normal life. All but Fluttershy who had been having emotional issues ever since the issues on Sweet Apple Acres. She goes to Twilight for help although she wasn't much help. It wasn't until later that night she figures out what was truly wrong... she was still a Vampire Pony... only now she had a thirst for blood not apples or fruit. Can Twilight aided by the mysterious Lunar Relic uncover the truth behind the odd chain of events and save Fluttershy? Find out in... Night of the Futterbat!

Link: Night of The Flutterbat

 

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I see plenty of grammatical errors from the description itself.

On 5/20/2016 at 6:57 PM, LunarRelic said:

 

Description:  After everything settles down from the Tirek issue everypony returns to a normal life. All but Fluttershy who had been having emotional issues ever since the issues on Sweet Apple Acres. She goes to Twilight for help although she wasn't much help. It wasn't until later that night she figures out what was truly wrong... she was still a Vampire Pony... only now she had a thirst for blood not apples or fruit. Can Twilight aided by the mysterious Lunar Relic uncover the truth behind the odd chain of events and save Fluttershy? Find out in... Night of the Futterbat!

 

First sentence: lack of comma, sentence topic is too generalized "Tirek Issue".  Assumes readers know everything-could use a more define definition.

Second sentence: Lack of comma, odd working-assumes readers knows about "the issues on Sweet Apple Acres".  This issue-the Vampire Issue-has nothing to do with the Tirek situation, so it leaves readers confused and unable to relate the two sentences.

Third sentence: Starts off with present tense, then moves to past tense. Lack of comma.

Fourth sentence: Starts off with present tense, then moves to past tense.  Run-on, wrong usage of ellipsis, lack of commas

Fifth sentence: Lack of comma, assumes readers know what the "odd chain of events" is. Save Fluttershy from what?  There is no known protagonist stated other than Fluttershy herself, putting this as a man vs. himself story.  However, it doesn't say what Fluttershy needs to be saved from-only stating the fact that she now thirsts for blood.  Chain of events?  The only event we know of is: The Tirek issue, the issues on Sweet apple acres, and this "issue" that Fluttershy thirsts blood.

Sixth sentence: Improper spelling of your story title. 

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On May 22, 2016 at 3:48 PM, Lyipheoryia said:

I see plenty of grammatical errors from the description itself.

First sentence: lack of comma, sentence topic is too generalized "Tirek Issue".  Assumes readers know everything-could use a more define definition.

Second sentence: Lack of comma, odd working-assumes readers knows about "the issues on Sweet Apple Acres".  This issue-the Vampire Issue-has nothing to do with the Tirek situation, so it leaves readers confused and unable to relate the two sentences.

Third sentence: Starts off with present tense, then moves to past tense. Lack of comma.

Fourth sentence: Starts off with present tense, then moves to past tense.  Run-on, wrong usage of ellipsis, lack of commas

Fifth sentence: Lack of comma, assumes readers know what the "odd chain of events" is. Save Fluttershy from what?  There is no known protagonist stated other than Fluttershy herself, putting this as a man vs. himself story.  However, it doesn't say what Fluttershy needs to be saved from-only stating the fact that she now thirsts for blood.  Chain of events?  The only event we know of is: The Tirek issue, the issues on Sweet apple acres, and this "issue" that Fluttershy thirsts blood.

Sixth sentence: Improper spelling of your story title. 

Sorry about the delay thank you for telling me I fixed te summery on site some but I still need to work on it. I also went back through and did a new grammar check through MS Word on the chapters. But please if I missed anything in the chapters please let me know. If you read it that is.

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15 hours ago, LunarRelic said:

Sorry about the delay thank you for telling me I fixed te summery on site some but I still need to work on it. I also went back through and did a new grammar check through MS Word on the chapters. But please if I missed anything in the chapters please let me know. If you read it that is.

I don't think grammar/spell check from Microsoft Word is any good.  What I think you need, is an editor.

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