To Hurt, To Heal [FIN]

[Zeig]

 

 

To say that her day had been hectic would be putting it politely. 

 

In the privacy of her own head, however, Dēnglong Xiu felt safe to think some very unflattering thoughts about the entire situation, from the extra-vigilant guards that watched her warily as she hurried past, or the extra-frantic healers who maintained vigil over the Empress. As well as they should be, too, because it wasn't exactly common practice for the ruler of Long Guo to go tumbling down a mountainside during the middle of the Long's equivalent of a temper tantrum. Entirely understandable, that the entire Imperial Palace was in an uproar, regardless of whether or not the severity of her injuries actually measured up to the spiraling rumors that had started ever since the bedraggled group had been picked up a ways off from Huangjing.

 

Which was probably the worst part in all of this, being tugged in two directions - mentally, not physically. Physically, all efforts had been poured onto the Empress and the visiting Shogun, wringing her hooves as she had carefully monitored the effects of each and every Breath she had breathed upon the royal. Mentally, she had been just as fraught with concern as the rest of the Palace when she'd entered the private rooms, the visible blood causing more than enough alarm...until she had learned of the others that had been caught in the Long-induced storm. Only then had the mental war started, one Xiu had valiantly pushed to the back of her mind to focus fully on the well-being of her Empress. 

 

That had been ages ago.

 

Now, however, with the Empress and her guest resting and recovering in the privacy of their rooms, now she was free to be elsewhere, leaving the apprentices to keep vigil. They would summon her if something happened, but for now, Xiu could return to her infirmary...which would undoubtedly be empty save for at least one soul, or perhaps two. It wasn't unnatural for all available healers and physicians to be called in to treat a wounded Emperor or Empress, after all - the more the better - but Xiu held out hope that the two bodyguards that had gone down with the chariot had received at least some semblance of medical care. And one most especially, most particularly. He couldn't have been left to silently suffer while the rest of them ensured the health of the Empress, right?

 

Right?

 

With her mind running in a different million directions at once, Xiu tried to keep a cool head as she rounded the last corner, the familiar doorway entering her vision. As she'd suspected (dreaded) the infirmary was quiet and still, moreso than normal, and Xiu bit down hard on her lower lip as she approached one of the mats in the far corner of the room, its occupant looking blessedly familiar.

 

And at the same time, not.

 

"Fēng?..."

 

 

[Blueblood]

There are, broadly speaking, two kinds of wounds; those of shock, and those of endurance.  For Feng, the former weren't so bad.  He'd gotten out of the wreck of the chariot without any broken bones, at least.  His real trouble was the fact that his buffets, bruises, and lacerations went untreated for days on top of a freezing mountain for days.  Not only that, he had been part of the Empress initial rescue team, being the only Imperial watcher within 50 miles of where she'd wrecked.  Naturally, he'd pushed himself to the limit to see that she was safe.

 

Thanks to his, and the other guard with him, efforts, Yu Yue managed to get back home without major life-threatening injuries.  But, that did end up leaving him in a wreck at the end of the whole business.  Upon entering, Xiu would see a longma looking like he lost a fight with yeti.  The healers had barely time to wrap bandages around any breaks in his skin, soaked with mixtures more meant to keep the wounds clean than alleviate any pain.  A rather large one was wrapped around his forehead, the large gash and bruise over his left eye swelling it shut.  The colors on his scales were gray around the edges, precursors of frostbite that would have set in had he not been plucked from the freezing cold before.  As it was, a few seemed to have fallen off already.  As for his wings... they were mercifully hidden from full view, bound to his back by bandages.

 

He lay uncomfortably on the mat; there was no position he could lie on that didn't hurt.  His breathing was steady, at least, broken only by irregular hisses of pain.  One such hiss emanated as he shifted himself to see who walked through the door, though his right eye lit up as he saw the healer come at last!  "Xiu!  Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes.  Ow, sore everything else, too.  Don't suppose you could lend a hoof, heh?"  He smiled at his friend; this was far from the first visit for the enthusiastic young guard, though it would be safe to say that she had never seen him in so bad a shape before.  At least he maintained his sense of humor, though; that was something.

[Zeig]

 

 

He was smiling.

 

How was he smiling?

 

Though if Xiu had been thinking clearly, she really shouldn't have been so surprised. Fēng was one of the Imperial Watch who gave absolutely no regard for the health of her heart and sanity as he continuously rotated in and out of her infirmary, at a rate that might make even the most seasoned veterans' heads spin. He wasn't the only one, no, but his face was one she'd come to anticipate and seek out on one of the recovery mats on an almost daily basis. If the Qilin hadn't known him any better, she might have believed him to be some reckless youth bent on receiving accolades of the highest order, by constantly throwing himself into danger and then showing up the next day like nothing was wrong.

 

Luckily, she did know him better.

 

Unluckily, she wasn't thinking clearly, because Fēng was, once again, smiling up at her from an infirmary mat and why couldn't he make an effort to protect his own self just a little bit more? Just a little bit, please?

 

For the sake of saving her from a heart attack, if nothing else.

 

Xiu was aware of some sort of aggrieved noise squeaking out from her tightly clenched lips, shock at the Longma's appearance coupled with a myriad of other emotions swimming through her head, but she forced herself to unclench her jaw and take a deep breath. And another, before she was stabilized enough to draw her head back and - fwoosh! The flow of mist shimmered a pale green where it swept over the entirety of Fēng's body, acting immediately to somewhat numb what pain he must be feeling. Hopefully that would be enough to safely maneuver the Longma around without causing too much discomfort, because it had become instantly clear to Xiu that she would be in for a very long healing session.

 

"Let me know when that wears off," the Qilin started automatically, her first request for nearly every patient she saw - and quickly giving way to emotion. "Fēng," Xiu breathed, tail flailing in an aggravated manner behind her as she moved closer to his prone body. A quick Healing breath was blown onto his head, to slowly begin working its way inside and stave off any immediate injuries, but it was his scales Xiu was more concerned with. Long scales were resilient, resistant, meant to withstand the elements, and shiny scales were a sign of a healthy Long.

 

...Clearly not the case here. Ancestors...he'd actually lost some of them. Exactly how long had he been out traipsing in the freezing cold?

 

"Where are you in the most pain?" she cried, carefully seating herself next to his side, because despite her wishes, the numbing spell could never be used to eradicate pain. That was dangerous - caused the body to stop its own healing efforts, to think everything was fine. "Head, wings? Your scales..." Almost automatically, one hoof came to gently rest on the Longma's throat, feeling the strength of his pulse. Her head followed to lay against his chest and listen to his heartbeat, along with her other hoof on his belly as Xiu struggled to get a sense of how brightly his inner fire burned. 

 

There was...not much heat. Not nearly enough.

 

 

[Blueblood]

OK... so it seemed that Feng's reassuring smile had eminently failed to reassure Xiu.  At any rate, the guard could detect no noticeable reduction in the anxiety in her expression.  And, to be fair, there was little, medically speaking, to alleviate the anxiety of any healer in his condition.  Well, besides the fact that he wasn't dead yet.  That was obviously a bonus.

 

His efforts to grin through the pain were greatly lessened as the qilin worked her magic, the soothing breath of the healer washing over him like cold water over a parched throat.  Tense lines were erased from his face, as his smile grew a little more natural.  "Heh, good to see you haven't lost your touch while I was gone."  He continued to joke, leaning back before wincing a little.  There was only so much Xiu could do; the pain wasn't completely gone... "Ooh!  Ah... head, shoulders, hips... think I pulled a few muscles."  That was not to mention the internal aches from exertion, but they were just the background accompaniment to the melodies played on the torn strings of his limbs.

 

It was those aches that were probably the most serious, though, as they testified to the dulling of his inner fire.  He would have felt unusually cool to the touch, enough to really perceive and appreciate the heat of Xiu's own touch.  "Oh... could you... stay there for a minute?  Aches a bit less when you do that."

[Zeig]

 

 

Well when he said it like that...

 

Xiu had been all prepared to walk around and observe Fēng from every conceivable angle, from his back to his sides to his head. She couldn't risk moving him around too much, but it would have been easier to tend to his wounds. 

 

But his inner fire was so worryingly, achingly faint, and his body was so cold...relatively speaking. Far colder than any Long child should ever be. 

 

"You're impossible," the Qilin chided, but with no heat behind the words as she shuffled herself a bit to lay alongside the prone Longma. Her own sides pressed against Fēng's body, sharing heat and freeing her head and neck to crane as best she could, as she breathed a long and drawn-out breath over one shoulder towards his wings. "I let you out of here for one day and you go tumbling off a cliff with the Empress - who is fine," Xiu added quickly and a bit clipped, before Fēng could even ask. Which he would, of course. "She is resting off her minor injuries. We're just lucky you didn't lose any more scales while I was attending her." 

 

Another healing breath and careful readjustment of her body, again to the Longma's wings, and Xiu couldn't hold back a sympathetic wince. Contrary to popular belief, healing breath was not a shimmer of light and all was well - at least not always. The school of Wood breath was all about growth, and even flesh had to grow back into itself. It wasn't...it wasn't a painful process in the purest sense of the word, but perhaps more pain on the spiritual level. That sense of wrongness, feeling flesh growing and healing at a rate that was unnatural to the physical world, was unfamiliar and uncomfortable to even the most breath attuned of Qilin and Longmas. 

 

...Of course, given how often Fēng had been subjected to her healing breaths, it would only be fitting for him to have become used to the feeling by now. 

 

Wings more or less taken care of for the moment, Xiu directed a levitating breath to the waiting pot of jasmine tea that she always had on hoof, pouring out a cup for herself to drink. The fresh smell and taste immediately burned her inner fire brighter, and she exhaled as she set the cup to the side, feeling her energies attune themselves back towards Wood. She'd been holed up with the Empress for hours, after all, and she didn't want to exert her already depleted energies too quickly. Not when Fēng needed them so desperately. 

 

So much so, that Xiu could hardly feel even a moment's giddiness over the feeling of Fēng's body pressed against her own. It was a little difficult to feel romantic when faced with blood-soaked bandages and dull scales. 

 

"Was what it like?" the healer murmured quietly, hesitating for only a moment before carefully reaching a foreleg over the Longma's body. She was basically snuggling him already, but she would have gathered Fēng's entire body into her hooves if he'd been in any shape to be moved. He was so cold. "The Long? I heard a bit from the guards that brought you in. I'd...I've never seen a Long go feral before..." 

 

Just the imagine alone was enough to make her shudder. So much raw power...the storm must have been fierce indeed.

 

 

[Blueblood]

The breathing of Xiu's patient softened and steadied as he felt her embrace around him.  Feng put on a brave face to the world, never stopping, never leaving anyone in doubt to his dedication or his competence.  His sanity would be questioned from time to time, but that wasn't too unusual in the Watch.  They asked for a level of fanatical devotion to their duty that normal long sun just couldn't be expected to measure up to.  For one thing, there was that little ban on outside romantic attachments, which Feng was pretty sure that Xiu knew full well about, and therefore thought little more about it.  

 

Indeed, his primary thoughts were to the Empress, on duty and off, and he appreciated his healer keeping him up to date on such.  "Good, good.  We're expected to do this sort of thing, you know.  If I'd come back as fine as her, and she'd been the one this torn up... you'd not be seeing me again."  He tried to manage a chuckle, in between the hiss of pain as his wings were adjusted to receive Xiu's healing breath.  It didn't quite work, though, as he was serious.  Much was tolerated in the Watch, but abject failure to protect their sacred charge was unforgiveable.  A quiet reassignment to some dangerous frontier with no forwarding would have been the best he could look forward to, in that alternate scenario.

 

Good thing he was such a dedicated longma, then!  Instead, he was here, feeling the growth of his wings begin to repair themselves.  He had to admit, the sensation was weird at first, but now he rather enjoyed it.  Familiarity breeding the opposite of contempt, it seemed.  His nose twitched, as the scent of her tea tickled her own nostrils.  "May... may I have some of that?"  He asked, voice slightly hoarse as his own body taxed itself with the duty of healing.  A hot drink would definitely help those inner fires, right?

 

Drinking would be tricky, though, in his state, hence why his replies were rather slow in coming.  "Hum... We didn't get to see much of it, and that from a distance.  It was... a terrible beauty."  The long may have been feral, but the shape and movements had not lost their elegance.  It was merely that the power had lost all mitigation, displayed in it's full magnificence.  "It was like what I had seen in a dream... but in the dream, I was the dragon..."  He blinked.  Strange that he would remember that.  Why had he dreamed that?  It was so hard to think...

[Zeig]

 

 

Xiu didn't think her lips could purse any tighter than they were.

 

"Don't say that," the healer blurted, her attempt at authoritative coming out more like a plea as the Qilin unintentionally hugged Fēng closer to herself. As strong and powerful as the Imperial Watch was, there were...rumors, of ill-practices within the ranks. Watchers who went missing, reportedly lost in action in some far-removed region of Long Guo...or ones who simply failed to show up to work one morning.

 

Sometimes, Xiu couldn't help but wonder if the Imperial Watch was deliberately trained in their fanatical devotion to the Empress. And not in the general sense, but literally, stripped of all emotions and desires except to protect their imperial charge. One of her friends in the city was quite the conspiracy theorist, and behind closed doors and in hushed whispered would often make bold claims against the going-ons of the Imperial Palace - one of these claims being that the Imperial Watch actually brainwashed their soldiers into forgetting all past, present, and hope of a future, in order to fully condition their unending devotion to the current Emperor or Empress. 

 

It was all nonsense, Xiu knew that. 

 

And yet...that knowledge did little to quell the churning of her gut at the look in Fēng's eyes.

 

"Don't even think it," the pale colored Qilin pleaded a second time, "just - here." A second cup of steaming jasmine tea was breathed downwards to Fēng, and Xiu carefully cradled the Longma's head to help him sip at the tea. She hadn't thought to give him anything except water, unsure of the condition of his throat and stomach, but the tea was simply hot, not scalding, and could do no harm. It would certainly warm him up a bit, inwardly. 

 

As would his own words, perhaps. 

 

Xiu was successful in suppressing the shudder this time, but it was a near thing. 'Terrible beauty' sounded a pretty accurate description from what she had heard...not that she had any wish to realize said beauty up close. His next words were less shiver-inducing, but still surprising enough to have the Qilin both figuratively and literally sitting up. "You dreamt yourself a dragon?" she questioned, setting aside the cup and shifting so that she was sitting on the side of the mat and half leaning over the Longma, both of her hooves carefully cupping Fēng's face. A slow healing breath enveloped his head, less for the surface wounds and more to seek out anything internal. 

 

Despite the closeness of her own face to Fēng's - close enough for slow flush to begin rising up the back of her neck, injuries or no - Xiu couldn't help but mull over the Longma's words. She wasn't one to put much stock into dreams, the way some of the older Qilin in the palace assured others that dreams were filled with symbolism and meanings and should be taken as seriously warnings. "A feral dragon? What...what happened in your dream?" 

 

[Blueblood]

Feng winced slightly at Xiu's pleas, his ill-considered attempt at a not-quite-joke having evidently fallen flat.  He was content enough to let it lie, having no wish to cause more distress for his healer friend.  Holding his head still enough to sip the offered tea without spilling any scalding drops took up most of his attention, before he settled back with a relaxed sigh, feeling the heat of the liquid run down into his core.  It did serve to warm him up, and a few more sips later, Xiu would have been able to feel some re-kindling of his inner fires.  Her breath and her tea were beginning their good work.

 

"Thank you."  His smile reached his eyes this time as he looked up into Xiu's features.  He was close enough to see the delicate flush beginning to bloom around her face and neck; had she drank that hot tea too quickly?  Yes, surely that must be it.  There was little in his talk of his own dream that would have caused that, at least for her.  Feng's own memory of it was... slightly troubled, though.

 

"I commanded the winds with my very breath.  I could blow the long sun below wheresoever I wished, even if I didn't wish it.  I... couldn't stop myself, I was always using the full extent of my power, and I was terrified.  Panicking only made it worse, of course; I'd lost control, and couldn't get it back, lost in the middle of the storm..."  He motioned for another sip of tea, not wanting to spend more time in reminiscence.  "I wonder if that long we saw was experiencing the same thing.  It's... awful to be frightened of yourself.  You can't run, you can't hide."

[Zeig]

 

 

She wasn't getting a sense of anything from Fēng's head...no internal damage, thank goodness. 

 

His eyes were also shiny and focused, not glazed over or dull, also a very good sign. Yes, dark though they may be, they still shone with a healthy light...very dark, dark enough to trick a pony into believing they were a dull brown, but up close it was only too clear, the deep red that swam through his gaze and enticed the unwary to take a second look, to make sure of their color...

 

It was with an abrupt, small gasp that Xiu realized she had lingered too long, and it was with another force of effort that she didn't drop Fēng's head down to the mat in embarrassment at her blatant ogling. Instead she was able to lean backwards away from the Longma's head in order to deliver another sip of jasmine tea on his request, the shame only making her blush spiral hotter. Wasn't she thinking, only a moment ago, how the atmosphere made any romantic thought impossible? Yet here she was, making moon-eyes at a terribly injured Longma...and her friend, to boot. Xiu gave herself a mental shake, her face cooling off as she gave intense focus to Fēng's dream.

 

"The Long are a many wondrous things," the pale pink Qilin conceded, lips pursed thoughtfully as she leaned backwards, once again sitting comfortable on the side of the mat, but still close enough to be sharing some body heat with the Longma. "But I suppose there's a price to be upheld for all that wonder. Constant vigilance against greed and pride." Xiu paused, frown turning thoughtful as she pondered what could possibly turn an elder serpent dragon feral. It didn't happen often, for obvious reasons - to even reach that stage where a Long could cause such massive damage, they had to have lived for eons, maintaining their wisdom and knowledge through the years. Beings who achieved such wisdom usually didn't lose it so late in their life. 

 

On the reserve side, it was more common for young teen Longs to go rampaging...but in that case, the damage was minimal at best. Certainly not devastating storms that broiled over the entire country.

 

"...Me, I'm more than happy to be a simple healer," Xiu proclaimed firmly, and got up to move around towardsFēng's back as if to demonstrate the point as she very carefully stretched out and unfurled his right wing, inspecting its status with a critical eye. She knew some Long Sun aspired to Longhood even if it wasn't physically possible - and even then, some of the more fanatical claimed that one could ascend both mind and body if one achieved a perfect inner balance - but, well. There was always a price to pay, and if simply seeing a friend in such dire straights was enough to throw off her inner harmony, well. 

 

She, probably wouldn't do so well as a Long. 

 

Probably.

 

 

[Blueblood]

As Xiu stared into Feng's eyes, he stared back, more puzzled than enraptured.  Was there something on his face?  He didn't feel any bleeding.  Was he being inspected?  Maybe there was some kind of clue, or secret indicator known only to those trained in healing that one could find by staring into the eyes of the patient.  In any case, it did give the guard the opportunity to return the favor, in a more a cursory fashion, at least.  "Huh, I never noticed your eyes were blue before.  That's a pretty shade, actually."

 

The wisdom of saying such a thing to one bearing an unrequited crush was... dubious, but in Feng's defense, he was in a non-ideal condition for evaluating emotional states or coming to reasoned conclusions on them.  Not only was he injured, but he was still mentally abstracted, thinking back to his old dream and recent accident.  "Hmm... you know, for all the trouble he caused me, for all the trouble he caused the Empress, I still feel sorry for that Long."  He mused between sips of jasmine tea."I mean, what happened to him... it's probably what happened to a lot of my ancestors.  Pursuing a dream and noble ambition, but overreaching themselves.  Like my great  -uncle; he tried to be a monk of the Harmonious Path, but his asceticism nearly caused him to starve to death.  I suppose the long wanted to be a great servant of his king... but the power became too great, and he lost control.  Probably lost everything; I know Ai'long will not be pleased when he hears what happened to Yu Yue."

 

It was almost shocking the way he dropped the two names of those respective sovereigns, as if he were the personal friend of each.  Well, he had been to Longri-La, and personally introduced to the sovereign and his court.  He was pretty sure he'd told Xiu that on his last infirmary visit.  Finishing his cup of tea, he settled back gingerly, chuckling softly at the healer's determination of humility.  "Well, I'm glad to hear you won't suffer the same fate, at least.  I aim high myself, but I suppose I could still overshoot the mark."  He sucked in his breath with a hiss as his wing was pulled out.  Besides the bandaging, which was in need of a change, the feathers were all tangled, mussed, and irritating.  Some serious preening was needed here...

[Zeig]

 

 

Her heart, oh, her poor heart, and he didn't even know what he was doing.

 

...At least she didn't think he knew. Either that, or he was the most talented actor in all the world. 

 

Fēng was too honest an individual, though, and as such, Xiu resolutely ignored the slight upbeat of her heart as it languished against her ribcage, mind playing his off-hoof compliment about her eyes on repeat - so loudly echoing in her head, in fact, that she almost missed the continued flow of conversation as Fēng spoke, and this time, his words caused Xiu to latch on for an entirely different reason. The Qilin remembered wondering, some time ago when they had stumbled across that Fenghuang, how the Watch might have changed Fēng, how things might now be different if he hadn't been a troublemaker in his home village. Just what have changed if his uncle hadn't struggled so hard to achieve inner balance.

 

A self-fulfilling prophecy, some called it. Reaping what was sown, becoming as you make yourself. Sealing one's own destiny. In a way, her parents had done the very same thing, shaping and molding her in an obsessive effort to raise their family name out of the dirt and into a place of honor and status.

 

And she had ended up throwing it down, and stomping it into the mud, to boot. Honestly, Xiu would be less than surprised if she wound up being a cautionary tale told to mothers and daughters in Silk Blossom Town in the future, warning them on the follies of mares destroying their families because they thought themselves too clever to listen to their elders.  

 

- which is exactly when Fēng decided to just oh so casually speak of a different sort of elder, causing Xiu to start so violently that she jostled the Longma's outstretched wing.

 

"S-sorry, sorry!" the healer exclaimed, hurriedly breathing a numbing spell onto the wing to assuage the immediate pain he must have felt - but could she be blamed? Really? Because it wasn't that her friend had just, oh, casually referenced the Serpent King by given name as if they were old and fast friends. To hear the Empress' name spill from his lips wasn't such a shock - stallions with romantic designs towards royalty couldn't very well keep a professional distance in the privacy of their own head, could they? - but to her knowledge, Fēng had only meant the Serpent King once. She'd heard the story from the Longma himself, during his last visit to the infirmary.

 

And had subsequently had to down several cups of tea to prevent herself from turning positively green with envy.

 

"And come crashing back to the ground," Xiu commented slowly, once she'd gotten herself back into he mindset of a professional healer and less of a fresh-faced academy student yearning to see even one Elder up close, "because even the best of intentions will mean nothing if you destroy yourself in the process." The Qilin carefully moved her free hoof through his feathers, critically inspecting each one. Many were tussled and mussed and otherwise looking ill-kept, which was not a surprise in the slightest, and Xiu breathed a mist around her hooves as she began to massage the ridge of his wing while preening through and cleaning each individual feather.

 

"You push and grasp for something, yet find yourself with even less than before...like my parents," the Qilin added hesitantly after a moment, keeping her eyes focused on her task. Xiu did not talk about her family for a reason - a desire to find validation over her decision that constantly warred with the shame of others knowing how poorly she had treated her elders - but for all the little snippets into his past he'd given her, it almost felt like she owed Fēng something in return. "They sought to make life grand and marvelous for us," Xiu said, eyelids dropping slightly as the feathers in her hooves rippled and shimmered in the sunlight streaming through the windows, "but instead they...well. Their ambitions only made things worse, in the end." 

 

Arguably, some might say, through absolutely no fault of their own...except their failure to raise their daughter correctly.

 

The basin filled with oil sitting off to her left had long since cooled, but a quick breath had it up to a modest temperature, allowing Xui to dip a washcloth into it before withdrawing it again and wringing out the excess, leaving only a thin layer on the material. The mixture was one she'd learned to prepare herself, through her mother's requests for her daughter to help clean hard to reach feathers, and it was a good substitute to supplement injured or bent ones.

 

Not to mention warm. Yet another little trick she had picked up from her mother.

 

"I would recommend not overshooting at all," Xiu finished as she gently stroked each and every feather with the cloth, carefully peeling them apart to coat them with the protective oil covering, "and staying safely on the ground. But knowing you...I suppose I'll just have to be right up there with you, to stop you from flying right past the top, hmm?" The thought of her hovering around like an agitated humming bird in order to prevent an overly enthusiastic Fēng sailing straight into the sun was amusing enough to illicit a chuckle from her lips...even if the imagery wasn't as far-fetched as it sounded. And she meant it, too - she wished she could somehow, simply convince him to stop aiming so high.

 

But again...Fēng was Fēng, and without that dogged determination, he wouldn't be Fēng. Could she advise a Long not to soar through the air? She might as well advise death. No, to wish for a pony to not be themselves was...stifling. And wrong. 

 

But she meant was she said.

 

She would simply have to be there, to guide him away from soaring too close to the sun. 

 

 

[Blueblood]

"Phee-eew...."  A long, relieved breath came with a gentle whoosh from Feng's lungs as Xiu's soothing breath passed over his wings.  While all of him hurt, the most acute irritation had come from them.  After all, for both longma and pegasi, so much of their personal esteem, sensitivity, and even magic was bound up in their flight.  Wings were their expression and their privilege.  Besides the tea, this would probably be the treatment most likely to speed the guard's recovery.  He hummed as he felt the feathers come back into place.  Xiu's skill as a healer, or at least her experience with treating him, was evident in the ease with which she was able to preen him.  Among Equestrian pegasi, allowing another to preen you was an expression of intimate trust, and the same could be said for many longma.  Certainly, there were few, if any, other staff in the infirmary that Feng would allow to do this for him.

 

"You... never told me that about your folks."  He hesitated before speaking; as they both had family issues, he knew full well that to go further might risk a mis-step.  He could understand the idea of pressure, at least; though in his case, it was more a general 'you-better-not-screw-up' rather than, 'this-is-what-you-must-do' sort of thing.  The benefit was, that he actually got a full-throated support from his parents once he announced a half-way respectable ambition.  "Well, they ought to be proud of you now.  One of the top healers in the Empress' own infirmary!  That's pretty high for one who wishes to stay safely on the ground."  He chuckled.  "Is being ballast the real peak of your ambition, though?  I can't help but think, there's something more you want that... I don't know..."

 

He began to yawn; even these mild exertions were tiring for him at this point.  "Well... I don't mind you tagging along... I've marks I couldn't bear to miss.  Plus, this probably isn't the last time I'll end up here."  He coughed, clearing his throat, though slightly ashamed that he was unable to clean up the resulting mess.  "Ugh... I can't name anyone else that would clean up after me like this, that's for sure."

[Zeig]

 

Despite herself, Xiu couldn't help the pleased smile that stole over her face as the Longma below her sighed in contentment. She knew that some Longma were...well, peculiar about their wings, and most specifically, contact with them. Most patients were well behaved but stiff and tense, seemingly hyper-aware of her touch. Sometimes she'd even get ones who'd shy away from her searching hooves, or startle and flush under her preening, as if she were violating some intimacy. Xiu didn't fully understand it - she knew the wings could sometimes be sensitive - but it still pleased her every time Fēng willingly relaxed his wings under her ministrations, allowing her to continue working even as she contemplated his tentative statement. 

 

Yes...and there was a very good reason for that.

 

Not that Xiu had any real fear of Fēng judging her decisions that had led to the chasm between daughter and parents - in fact, she had the sneaking suspicion that he would most likely applaud her for them. No, it was less fear of Fēng's, or any particular individual's reaction, and more a large, grasping sense of shame that kept her past held tightly to her chest. Venerating one's elders was...everything, in Long Guo, respecting their wisdom and dedication to the younger generation. And even now, despite having come to such a crossroads that she had abandoned them, Xiu could no better shed herself of that shame and guilt than take up arms against a feral spirit. 

 

Shame and guilt, however, could be salvage and remolded into something else...something Xiu had never even considered. 

 

"I - I suppose they would be proud," Xiu commented in stilted, halting tones, surprise echoing clear in her tone of voice. She had...never even considered the possibility of connecting back with her parents to inform them of her station in life, to let them know how far she had come from the ambitions of a simple housewife. The Imperial Wood Synergist...a fancy title that took far too long to say for the actual simplicity of its explanation, but even Xiu couldn't deny that it sounded impressive. Especially for a young mare from Spring Blossom Town.

 

...Although, even as she thought of it, the Qilin could just as easily dig up reasons why the thought had never occurred to her in the first place. Her ambitions back home...they had always been for the betterment of the family, not just herself. Marrying into the Xilan line would have secured her family's position in the lucrative shimmersilk business, something to be passed down from generation to generation...whereas her position as the Head Healer of the Imperial Palace worked out wonderfully for herself...but left little for her family to pick up on. Bragging rights, maybe, but no tangible, physical legacy for her foals, and her foals' foals, to one day inherit. 

 

And that, unfortunately, had always been her parents' ambitions. Noble, to be sure, but...far-sighted and long-term.

 

Luckily for the young dragon mare, Fēng's words pulled her out of the sudden fit of melancholy, with a nonchalance that could only be attributed to the Longma. Xiu became aware of the way her body stilled in her ministrations to Fēng's wings, eyes blown wide even as the Watcher continued speaking in the blithe way of his, unintentionally closing in ranks without any knowledge of the target. 

 

What more she wanted...what would Fēng think of her, if he knew what she really wanted in this life?

 

A rasping cough from the Longma pulled Xiu out of her temporary reverie, and after carefully readjusting his wing back to resting state, the healer moved back around his head and towards the front, not even hesitating to grab a wet cloth from nearby. Gentle strokes around Fēng's mouth cleared up any spittle as Xiu shook her head minutely, a fond smile splitting her face as she did so. "Of course it won't be," Xiu conceded, flipping the rag over to run its cool side across Fēng's brow and snout, "but that's okay because...because, there is something more that I want." 

 

What had been a comfortable silence had suddenly turned excruciating for her at the bold statement, her previously fluttering heartbeat suddenly spiking upwards with enough ferocity that Xiu almost felt physically ill with the force of it. She sincerely hoped her heartbeat wasn't as loud as it felt.

 

"I..." 
 

Breathe.

 

"I...I want to be the only one that cleans up after you," the Qilin admitted in a rush, a quiet burst of words, "to care for you, to...to cook and clean for you. And be there for...not just the injuries and the hurts, but for - for everything else, too." Xiu bowed her head so she wouldn't have to see the Longma's face, even as she cursed her inability to just, say it, because he was injured and hurting and here she was shoving her feelings onto him at the most inopportune time because he couldn't help but think about her wants and her life and about her. 

 

But she had never been blessed with a silver tongue, never skilled in the craft of words and flowery sentences. She had never learned how to properly express her feelings and thoughts, because she hadn't been expected to have them at all. 

 

The slight tremble in her hooves didn't dissipate even as Xiu turned Fēng's face upwards to drop a small, chaste kiss onto his forehead - a mirror of the one most likely forgotten in days past. But despite her failings as a sweet talker, she hoped that she would find some another way to express herself, to sow the seeds in a way that held meaning. And she hoped that they would, eventually, find their way to him.

 

Because all good things needed time to grow.

 

 

[Blueblood]

This had been a long and restless day for Feng.  Or, possibly, two days, or more.  He'd honestly lost track, and getting his diurnal schedule running smoothly again was going to be yet another aspect of his long healing process.  Up until now, pain had warded off fatigue with it's stabbing, thudding, twisting blows to every nerve in his body, but now that Xiu had almost literally blown much of that pain away, fatigue was pulling down at him.

 

To him, it felt like sinking down into a warm pool of water, his five senses one by one being insulated from the world outside.  His eyes were first to go, in fact, the lids closing fast as Xiu finished with the wings.  But he could still hear, for now, and heard her first affirmations clearly, as his sense of taste went to sleep unnoticed.  Next, the scent of jasmine would fade from his awareness as she confessed the presence of a true wish of her heart.  This caused him to perk up momentarily, ears pushed forward, eyelids by herculean effort pushed up to frame the clouded windows to his soul.

 

"You want... to be after... me?"  Understanding in his mind was sluggish, as sleep submerged his brain.  He yawned, eyes and ears shutting up shop for the night.  But touch... touch stayed open to the last, just long enough to feel the kiss on his forehead before the Watcher slipped once again into his dreams.  He smiled, though the curl of his lips had something sad to them.  "I... ah..."

 

And that was that, at least for a while.  Xiu would know better than most that her patient required sleep, and could only trust the seed she planted in waking hours might bloom in his dreams, as well as hers.

[Zeig]

 

...Oh, ancestors.

 

It was over. She had blown it. Fēng was politely trying to figure out how to let her down in a gentle and kind manner, because he was a good soul and didn't want to hurt her feelings but couldn't help but feel awkward because she'd gone and spewed words all over him like a blustering filly and she could only hope she hadn't completely ruined their friendship.

 

"F-Fēng...I - " 

...

 

...Oh. 

 

...Oh.

 

A sound not unlike the wheezing of a winded mouse involuntarily escaped from Xiu's lips, but despite herself, the Qilin couldn't stop the breathy chuckle that followed moment's later as Fēng continued to peacefully breathe beside her, oblivious to the world. Relief was just as quick to ride on the heels of mirth, because of course the healing properties of her breath magic had kicked in enough to ease the Longma into a restful sleep right as she'd blurted out her feelings. Or at least part of them. 

 

At this point, Xiu honestly could not tell if the universe was favoring her, or simply laughing. 

 

The last of her breathy laughter died down, however, and the pale pink mare sobered as she stared down at the male, a frown marring her features. Fēng had been whispering something, she recalled, seemingly fighting against the sleep that threatened to pull him under...what exactly he'd been trying to say, though, was a mystery. She'd been too busy internally screaming at herself to parse out the exact words. 

 

Had they been words of discouragement? Words of denial?

 

...Words of agreement?

 

...

 

Whatever they had been, Xiu decided firmly, they could wait for tomorrow, or for another day entirely. A stallion needed his rest, after all, and a stallion like Fēng? Most of all. The fond smile that had graced her features earlier returned in full, freely, in the privacy of her own thoughts and solitude, and - with a cursory glance around at the otherwise empty infirmary - Xiu pulled the thin blanket up the Longma's chest, leaning down for one last, stolen kiss.

 

"Goodnight, Fēng-ài." 

 

[[ End ]]