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The smell of ink and medicine (Closed, Zeig)


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...In a way, Xiu could actually understand where he was coming from.

 

After all, personal feelings were almost always seen as distractions from duty because they...distracted one from responsibility. But if that responsibility was the distraction, then, well. Was it really a distraction at all? It seemed an ironic twist, to be certain, but looking at it logically, Xiu could see how the Longma might have come to realize that so-called loophole.

 

That didn't change the fact that it was still ridiculous, of course. Xiu knew, honestly honest, that said loophole wasn't the only reason why Fēng was so fixated on the Empress. But the fact that it was even a reason in the first place was ludicrous. If you believed that your life and love could only be found in one particular mare, then of course the chances of that happening were slim. Of course, the Qilin also knew that things weren't so simple and clear cut, that there was more in play than the average stallion had to deal with, and Fēng's last words spoke the truth of them. An oath was a promise, and not one to be lightly broken on romantic whims. She knew all this.

 

...Logically, she knew. Emotionally, was...an entirely different story.

 

"Maybe some things are - are s-simply the way they are," Xiu said finally, stumbling halfway through because she had almost blurted out that some things are worth breaking promises for to a Watcher of the Imperial Watch like a complete idiot. Hooves fully rubbed raw and the conversation carefully veered off from an aggressive confrontation, Xiu finally relented from her ceaseless scrubbing, returning to sit at the relative safety of Fēng's mat.

 

"And what if," she questioned lightly, casually, at least to her own mind, "what if...someone else breaks those promises for you? I-I mean...what does one do when someone else initiates the...breaking off of that promise? And you end up getting...swept along?" Xiu wasn't even entirely sure what it was she was asking, much less that Fēng could decipher her disjointed and fractures questions...and yet something drove to her question all the same, pale blue eyes fixed on the Longma beside her. 

 

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Feng could not prevent a humorous smile from emerging upon his face, even though poor Xiu was clearly struggling with her articulation.  "So... you are also then saying that some things are actually not the way they are?  That's an interesting philosophical position."  The teasing may or may not have been called for, but it was probably less on the nose than, say, asking if he was really so dirty that Xiu had to wash her hooves for that long after merely touching him.  

 

In truth, he knew the reason.  The shy healer was struggling to get past her fear when talking to him; it was an attitude he would sometimes encounter when on duty, interrogating or interviewing suspects and witnesses.  Oddly enough, the innocent witnesses were often more nervous than the suspects.  It was hard for him to imagine why; maybe the suspects were more often used to silencing a guilty conscience?  Ah... yes, it wasn't just intimidation; Xiu seemed to be skirting around a topic that made her feel guilty even bringing up.  And even with her circumlocutions, he could tell what she was trying to say.

 

Ultimately he felt, as a friend, that he owed her a complete answer.  "Well... I don't see that happening unless I consented at some point along the way.  Assuming that I did... I'd have options.  First would be repentance, disavowal, begging of mercy from the Empress and my commanding officer.  I might get away with mere disciplinary action, I have no idea what would happen to the other mare; nothing good, I'd bet.  Second... I could keep it a casual fling, without any real relationship or attachment.  There's a precedent for the higher-ups looking the other way in such cases, but would the other mare agree to such a thing?  Third, I could attempt to keep the relationship a secret, but that goes back to my point about trying to get away with breaking the rules.  

"Fourth and lastly, I could just eat the full consequences.  Probably that would mean getting stripped of my position and booted from the inner city entirely.  I couldn't stay in Huangjing, as my name would be mud, and I certainly couldn't go back home with that shame on my head.  Closest place I could go with some hope of making a living with my skill set is Long Kong.  Could go as far as Equestria, though; I suppose.  From what I've seen, they'd be understanding and accepting of... why I would find myself in that position."

 

After laying all that out, he took a deep breath.  "So much for the external consequences.  If push came to shove... maybe I could deal with those.  But... well, that still leaves the question of what sort of longma I'd end up being after having to choose between breaking a heart, or breaking a promise.  I suppose there are ways of keeping some part of my honor intact after either decision, but..."  The truth was, he really did not know which way he would break at that point, if Xiu presented him with the issue point-blank.  All he could say is that he would not be the same afterwards.  Maybe not even anything close to what Xiu had fallen in love with.

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Caught in her own trap. Xiu flushed lightly under Fēng's teasing grin, but still, couldn't help feeling a bit relieved. The ugly tension that had been slowly suffocating the room just moments earlier seemed to have entirely dissipated, along with her anger.

 

Even if she now knew what Fēng thought of ponies like her.

 

Despite the easing tension, however, Xiu wasn't really expected such a complete and factual breakdown of her question. Such a thorough look at the pathway and consequences of each option seemed entirely out of character from the Longma who acted more on instinct rather than logic she'd grown to know...or perhaps, along with their earlier conversation, this was more of Fēng that she had simply not been privy to until recently. Perhaps most of her perception of him was based on those rose-tinted images of the Longma fully regaled in Watcher clothing, valiantly placing himself between her and the bandits. 

 

She didn't think that was the case, not truly - her heart still picked up in her chest whenever she was around him, no matter if he was the dashing hero or the mischievous rogue - but then again, could one who's vision was biased in the first place really tell the difference?

 

All these philosophical questions...and she hadn't even done any meditating today.

 

It didn't help that when he carefully and succinctly lay out every option he felt he had in that department, her own seemed...pointless. Hopeless. 

 

If not for herself, than definitely for the Longma sitting next to her. If she selfishly pursued a relationship with Fēng, tempted him into breaking his vows, or keeping secrets from those he had sworn himself to...well. It sounded like it could only end in disaster for the Longma. An ending with him being kicked from the Imperial Watch, or leaving Huangjing, or changing in some way for the worst. Or being alone for the rest of his life. And even with all the different scenarios running through her head, Xiu herself couldn't see any other options. 

 

...Maybe. Fēng needed purpose in his life, a purpose that he'd found with the Imperial Watch. Leaving might be difficult, but...if he were to find that same purpose elsewhere? Equestria? Wherein the regulations for guards and duty weren't so cruel as to force a pony to be alone for the rest of his or her life?

 

Realizing that she was now actually starting to contemplate running away with Fēng as if they were in some Neighponese drama film, Xiu gave herself a mental shake as she focused back on the Longma. 

 

"Well...as you said, maybe those things are not the way they are," Xiu finally commented, and didn't miss the irony of her statement. Yes, the things she wanted to stay the same were simply the way they are, while the things she hoped for were not. Very convenient, that. "Maybe there's someone that would give you purpose...make it worth giving up, other things." She couldn't say it out loud - didn't even really want Fēng to leave the Watch, despite the strict rules it enforced. Things would be so much simpler if those ridiculous rules were not in place. "O-Or...a mare that, well. Wouldn't mind...getting any part of you, even if it's not...everything." 

 

She would mind. Oh, how she would mind, being with Fēng while knowing his heart lay with another. But what was it her grandfather had always said? Better to have something than nothing at all?

 

Somehow, she'd never thought of love as anything other than "all or nothing", was too old-fashioned to think anything else. But...when the rules were pitted against her and the world was unfair and unkind, maybe her grandfather's words held weight. 

 

Luckily for Xiu, she was saved from yet another chance to bumble her way through explanations by a colorful arrival that suddenly swept into one of the open windows in the infirmary, drifting around the room for a moment before coming to perch elegantly on the wooden beams above Fēng's head. The fact that his abrupt appearance no longer startled her gave Xiu some pause, as she took a moment to reflect on the creature. The Fenghuang seemed to have the uncanny ability to know when other ponies aside from the two of them were milling about, because as things stood, Xiu had yet had to explain his presence to anyone, as the bird made itself scarce when others were around. Neither had she attempted to name him - it seemed almost a travesty to call him anything other than the magnificent Fenghuang that he was.

 

Not to mention he was still...well, if he hadn't been a Fenghuang she might have described him as "odd." Sometimes he was graceful and elegant as he flew around the room - other times he hopped wherever he went, wings flapping wildly against the floor to keep his balance as he moved from perch to perch. He would even seem to almost...disappear from sight at times, a difficult feat for such a colorful and medium-sized bird. He moved almost silently, one moment sitting on her left, the next moment, gone, only to reappear on the windowsill to her right. Xiu would never claim herself an expert on the behaviors of a Fenghuang, but from everything she knew, he was...well. Odd.

 

"Do you really think so?" Xiu questioned mildly, with none of the clipped annoyance that had plagued the very same question moments earlier. Her eyes remained fixed on the Fenghuang, an easy and believable distraction, as he flew down to settle himself on some spare bedding between the two of them, eyes slipping closed as one of her hooves automatically came up to gently brush at his head. "Are there ways to...keep one's honor, when you've broken the faith others have placed on you?"  She didn't see how, in all honesty - otherwise she might have mended her broken relationship with her parents long ago. 

 

But, Fēng had proven himself full of surprises today, even if she didn't necessarily agree with all of them. Maybe he would have some insightful viewpoint that would rock her to the core and make her question everything she ever knew.

 

Again.

 

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It was only when Feng laid his head back down upon his pillow that a rush of fatigue washed over him, seeping into his limbs.  That had been an intense conversation, all things considered; he'd had many a Watcher shift that was less taxing.  Still the tiredness was a better kind of tired than the ones he'd felt in the past few days; being tired from constructive work, in a way, rather than just taxing a healing body.  Didn't make answering Xiu's profound questions any easier, though.

 

"Who-ah-oh, um..."  He yawned, blinking as a rainbow-colored blur came into the room, resolving itself into the Fenghuang that he and Xiu had rescued, one of his previous recovery trips to the ward.  "Well, hello again."  He laughed softly as the magical bird perched upon him.  "Are you finally going to introduce yourself to the Palace, or keep us jealously to yourself?"  He chattered away to the bird, losing coherency as sleep began to take him again.

 

"Uh, I don't know..."  Feng felt himself scraping bottom, needing time to think, to recover, to rest.  "My dad said... life is suffering, but the pain can make you think, thinking can make you wise, and wisdom makes life endurable... I don't think I've been hurt enough yet to... answer that wisely..."  He laughed again, settling back.  "Ask me... on my next visit.  Could you please... mail the letter for me?"

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Most any other time, Xiu might have been sorely tempted to pout.

 

However, much as had happened the last time these circumstances had occurred, the pale Qilin felt a profound sense of relief as Fēng's voice began to trail off, presumably having exerted more energy than necessarily wise during his passionate talks. Indeed, the sight and sounds of the Longma slowly trailing into oblivion had become almost commonplace, causing the healer to fondly shake her head as she carefully edged around the Fenghuang to move the writing table and its objects out of the way. Wouldn't be very good for Fēng to suddenly wake and sit up and subsequently send everything flying against the wall, now would it.

 

Still, even as she gently and slowly removed some of the pillows so that Fēng could lay down and enjoy the mat to its fullest, Xiu couldn't help but frown a bit at his last words...yet another familiar sensation that she seemed to be experiencing more and more, whenever their conversations came to an end. The logic of pain being a requirement for wisdom was...not one she fully shared. Experience equaling wisdom seemed more appropriate to her, as pain was only one form of experience. 

 

"I don't think I've been hurt enough yet to... answer that wisely..."

 

The frown was difficult to get rid of, but Xiu managed as she leaned into Fēng's fading line of sight, nodding slightly to his words. "I'll send it out right now. Go to sleep," she instructed...not that she needed to. Xiu didn't even think the Longma was aware of her presence anymore, blissfully slipping off into slumber, but that didn't bother her. 

 

A Longma needed his sleep, after all. 

 

...Their conversations were definitely following along some blueprint, Xiu was half certain of it, but could hardly bring herself to care as she bent over the Watcher's forehead for a chaste kiss, before turning herself towards his mat to fluff it up a bit. A thin blanket pulled up Fēng's chest followed after, and with one more stroke of the Longma's forehead, Xiu finally turned away towards the writing table she had pulled aside. The letter sat there, innocuous and potentially detailing all of Fēng's plots to go wander around Long Kong, but the Qilin resolutely kept the paper folded and creased as she stood up to make her way outside, a small smile on her face at the sound of rushing wings behind her.

 

"Rest easy, Fēng-ài." 

 

[[ END ]]

 

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