Ponies & Dragons - Episode 1: A Tail of Two Cities

[Kirby Krackle]

Curtain Call has heard this story before. It’s a bitter tale full of desperate times, deep regret and succumbing to greed when artistic integrity doesn’t put food on the table. Because the hearts of the public are easily swayed, it’s easier to take those bits than to earn them. This captive and overly verbose Unicorn seems to think so. The Cloak & Dagger Travelling Theater thought so too. Now our poor rogue has to clean up both messes. However, as Dress Rehearsal’s plea continued (and continued and continued), the bad cop’s glower power began to wane. It was too familiar. If given the same offer by ‘Mirror Mirror’ up there, he would have probably jumped at the chance. So, with a newfound sympathy, he gently pulled the humbug to his feet. Once there, he followed that up with a tough but fair slap across the face.

“Get a hold of yourself, sir!”

Not that much sympathy. The story was, really, too familiar. Down to the delivery even. He has personally tugged on the heartstrings of those detaining him using this exact same shtick. Occasionally dressing as a mare helped matters too.

“Now, let’s assume for argument’s sake that I believe you.” He didn’t. Not completely. But then, he doesn’t trust anypony completely. Not once has he ever tried to sense motives, solely because he assumes everypony has ulterior motives. “And this pony behind the mirror is, in fact, a bigger bad pulling your strings. And he is. A. Monster. Wouldn’t it be nice to not have to live in fear of this guy? Think about it. You’re already caught, ready to be dragged before the Princesses and tossed into prison. But how long you stay there is up to you. You could, for instance”, at this point, he threw a foreleg around Dress’s shoulder, acting all buddy buddy and ready to sell him something. “Simply go quietly. You’ll be tried for your crimes. You’ll be found guilty. You’ll be locked up until Discord’s second coming, never to see a sun rise or a curtain call again.” Heh. Name drop. He smiled at his own brand of humor. "Or until your Dark Lord finds you."

“Your second option is to strike a bargain with us. Cooperate. Help us catch your master and bring him to justice. In exchange, we ensure your safety. We put in a good word for you at your trial and your sentence will be drastically reduced. How reduced? You won’t even have time to finish that script you’ve been working on. What script?” And here’s where Curtain Call began pantomiming before them both, where the audience would be seating, where the stage lights will be set, that sort of thing. “The One Pony Show about your ordeals: the rags to riches story. The fall from grace. The glorious redemption story. Did you know everypony loves a redemption story? Forget Mareway! This will go all the way to the Globe Theater itself! And you’ll win more than just bits. You’ll win prestige. Why, forget acting. Why not directing? Why not producing? Doesn't sound too bad, huh? You want to be a producer! Sport a top hat and a cane." He was singing at this point. "You want to be a producer and drive those chorus girls insane! You want to be a producer! Wear a tux on opening nights! You want to be a producer and see your name in lights! You want to be a producer! Show the world just what you've got! You're gonna put on shows that will enthrall 'em! Read your name in Winchester's column! You want to be a producer... because right now, it's everything you're not. BUT! There is a lot more to you than there is to you. So let's stop the world! You want to get on!" Here's the part where the singing stopped. "And the best part? Nopony has to get hurt. Nopony but those stinking critics, thanks to all the sour grapes they'll be eating."

“Or”, here’s where the orchestral background that only Curtain Call could hear stopped. “You could sell us out to your master. Even the slightest betrayal. And we feed you to the dog.” That pantomime ended with him pointing to a snarling and drooling and foul smelling Timberwolf.

At this particular moment in time, Curtain Call thought he had the makings of an excellent Dark Lord.

“So, what do you say? Does my deal sound better than his?”

(( THE GREATEST GRANDEST AND MOST FABULOUS PLUS SEVEN TO BLUFF IN THE WORLD))

[Bramble Rose]

As this is MLP, and this sort of stuff just happens sometimes ... I'm ruling that Ali, Ironmane, and Bramble all end up in the role of the chorus ponies in the inevitable dance number. No, seriously. (( You planning on multiclassing into bard, Curtain Call? 'Spontaneous Musical Number' is totally a bardic performance. Oh, by the way, natural 20 on that bluff check. )) By the end of it, because the music demands it, you've let him out of his chains and he's dancing along so when you sing "you wanna be a producer!" he echoes "I wanna be a producer!"

And the music stops dead at the threat, a big sweatdrop runs down the side of Dress Rehersal's face, and there's another musical sting right at the end as Curtain gives jazz hooves and a big grin, while Dress Rehersal gives an audible gulp. Then a confident, determined expression spreads over his face. "LIGHTS!" he cries, grabbing his cloak from Curtain and throwing it around his shoulder. "MIRROR!" he says, striding across the room to the door going up. "And... ACTION!" he opens the door, steps through with his chest puffed out, and slams it behind him.

​

In the quiet room behind him, Bramble's letting his chorus filly outfit revert back to the normal leaf-maille barding, brushing at it hurriedly and no doubt thinking, 'Why the HECK did I do that?!' Though he's staring wide-eyed at Curtain Call as he says, in a quiet voice of awe, "That ... was ... *amazing*. Did you just ... recruit the enemy?! Just like that?! I just ... I ... WOW. No wonder the princesses sent you!"

​

Meanwhile, upstairs, Ironmane is still hiding silently behind the bed, having returned there by the magic of music as soon as the song was finished. She brushes a bit of glitter off her nose and looks up to see Dress Rehearsal step through and storm up to the mirror. He gaze washes over her and passes by as if she's not there, only meeting her eyes for a single instant.

"What IS it?!" he demands of the mirror, impatient and belligerent. "I'm rather in the middle of taking care of the cleanup on some would-be party crashers sent from the princesses to break up our little performance! I told you I'm working on taking care of things, so if you DON'T mind, can you let me get back to getting your package WITHOUT jostling my horn every few hours? There's only so quickly I can get a new barbarian clan moving South, even with all the wands you've given me!" He's flushed and panting and obviously on an adrenaline high.

The shadowy figure rocks back in surprise, and is momentarily speechless, then barks out, "It's too LATE you idiot! Maybe if you spent more time doing your job instead of recruiting ponies you weren't supposed to recruit, you'd have done a better job of things! Are you going to steal the package from Canterlot itself? You think you have that potential? The royal guard would eat you alive! We're giving this one to another agent, you just prepare for the next one. Blast you, you're getting to be more trouble than you're worth, don't get above yourself!"

Dress Rehearsal snorts and snarls, "Look, you promised me they'd never track me back to here, and here I am, with a bunch of corpses downstairs! How long till the princesses send another group? A bigger group? With wizards of their own? Queen's Eyes, man, we're in this together, aren't we? But you're always keeping me in the dark! Haven't I already gotten you three pieces just as planned? It's not MY fault that I didn't have the intel I needed here! You can blame me all you want but if I don't know what I'm up against I can't play for it! Improv is great fun in the theatre world, but when you hit the big time you need a script!"

There's a brief silence on the other side of the mirror again. "Fine," the shadowy figure says. "We'll send a new shipment to you soon. And I'll talk to the others to see about including you a bit more. Nice to see you finally grow a spine there, Dress Rehearsal. Maybe I was wrong about you."

​

And with that, the mirror fogs over completely, and then shows Dress Rehersal's furious face. He stands there a moment, panting heavily, and then sags with his eyes widening, and wipes his hoof over his face to wipe away the stage makeup, removing the dark, shadowy aura and revealing a soft pink coat of fur underneath. "Ohmigosh. I can't believe I just did that..." he groans, pulling his hood back and sliding off the dark green wig to reveal a short-cropped, pale green mane underneath.

​

[Kirby Krackle]

“Brother”, he affectionately called Bramble Rose, waving a sad goodbye to the top hat, white tie and tail, each disappearing in a brilliant crackle of light, that were gifted to him by what he could only assume to be the finest performance of his life. Even he was impressed! Not that he show any emotion other than ‘confident smirk’ at the moment. He was still in character. “If I wanted to, I could sell the Princesses the sun and the moon and come out like I gave them a bargain.” Though, he couldn’t help but let a little bit of wonder slip out when he realized that as his musical antics came to a close, his disguise went with it. Weird.

As Dress Rehearsal was giving his employer the business, Curtain Call treated the rest of this little castle as ‘backstage’, being sure to head upstairs as quietly as possible, despite the renewed spring in his step. An ear was to the door once pronking was out of his system. It was not to eavesdrop, but rather to find out just when the scene was over. He counted to ten once the yelling stopped, took one deep breath and then…

“Bravo!” The door flew open and there was Curtain Call, vigorously stamping the ground in thunderous applause. “Well done! Beautifully done, even! Wouldn’t you say so, Ironmane? You can come out now, by the way.”

[Trilobite]

Ironmane steped out from her hiding place with the same air as a lady of the court entering the Grand Galloping Gala. "I am not entirely certain what it is I have witnessed, but I know enough to understand it was a rare display of quick thinking and artful speech. Tell us, Curtain Call, what precisely was the nature of that brilliant exchange?"

[Kirby Krackle]

Eager young cadets of the Church of the Hurricane begin their training with a fundamental principle called the 'Calm Before the Storm'. It is a state of mind promoting focus, endurance and control over one's emotions. 'The wind cares not for dancing leaves or felling trees. Nor should ponies pay heed to distraction or spectacle great or small.' It is upon this discipline that all overs are based and must be mastered before a student can move on in their studies. Tornado Ali tended to sleep through her classes, or at least through the ones she didn't simply skip altogether. Sneaking into the colt's side of the temple seemed like a better use of her time.

Right now, the Pegasus was more red than blue, absolutely boiling over with unidentifiable emotions, trying her darnedest to remember her breathing exercises. She had no idea why her hooves were all wobbly, her stomach was in knots and why her wings were at full mast. In fact, she had no ideas at all regarding... whatever it was that had just transpired. Is this what ponies her age were listening to these days? The only music she learned from her isolated existence were stuffy old battle hymns. Is this what ponies her age were wearing! And are they all so sparkly and... tight? Around the rump? And just what exactly did the song mean by 'casting couch'!

'Hurricane, nothing makes sense', she screamed to the Thunder God with whom she was a frequent correspondent. He was silent on the matter. No surprises there. 'I do not like feeling these feelings! Hurricane, you miserable old codger! Answer me!' Nope. 'Fine! Nevermind!' She was in full tantrum mode at this point. 'I'll just go get Curtain Call! And then hit him! A lot! And then these feelings will go away!'

[Bramble Rose]

Bramble Rose followed Curtain Call into the room, his eyes wide. "That was incredible! Great work, Dress Rehersal! That was superb! What a performance, all around!"

​

Dress Rehersal glowered at the small group of heroes. "You'd better be able to deliver on that promise. My name in lights! Ten feet tall!" His eyes widen. "Ohno! I can't! If they see me producing a play, they'll know I betrayed them!" His hooves grab at his mane, pulling down on it. "Oh, I'm so dead. I'm dead no matter what I do! And he actually seemed to respect me at the end there! Oh, my heart. Nevermind, I'm going to have a heart attack right here. Woooooog. I feel woozy." He sat down heavily on the floor, letting out a faint little groan.

Bramble glanced at the dramatic pony and then back to his friends. "OK, so ... I think we managed to complete our task. So ... what now? I mean, obviously we need to return to the princesses and report. But after that? Or before that? I guess the constructs are still a threat to passers by ... and ...." He glances at Dress Rehersal. "What other dangers have you put in place?"

​

Dress Rehersal looks up. "Oh, no, no traps. I tried using traps for a bit but I kept forgetting about them, so I yanked them all out. Um. Yeah, I can gather the constructs. Sorry about, um ... you know. Them trying to kill you..." He shrinks just a little bit. "Other than that, nothing more dangerous than you'd expect from a dark stoned tower sitting in the middle of a lethal killer forest. I never go out there if I can help it. That place is crazy."

[Kirby Krackle]

“Actually”, Curtain Call interrupted, responding to Dress Rehearsal’s sour puss with a tone that was practically candy coated. “You have never been in more stable a position in your life.” His voice dropped to normal octaves when manipula- negotiations resumed. “Consider the following! And seriously, stiff upper lip. Nopony likes a drama queen. Anyway.”

“Where did that come from?” He quickly answered Ironmane, whispering all the while. “Same place as this, sweetheart.”

“As far as your master is concerned, you have successfully brought an end to not one", he tapped Ironmane’s horn for emphasis. “Not two”, Bramble Rose’s horn. “But three”, Tornado Ali’s hornless forehead. He spends far too much time with Unicorns. “Mighty heroes! So clearly you are exceptionally strong. You have also recruited mighty hero number four” it was now his cue to take a bow. “to defect! So clearly you are gifted with words as well. And assuming you’ll be making repeats of your most recent performance, clearly you are also strong willed! Wisdom, power and courage are great things to have in a cohort. Clearly, I don’t think you’ll be ‘so dead’ any time soon. Clearly.” Okay, time to end that running gag, he realized. Clearly. “And more importantly! You are now under the protection of not one”, Horn again. “Not two.” Horn again. “Not three.” Wings this time. He remembered! “But four”, his second bow. “Mighty heroes answering directly to the Sisters themselves! As per our deal, of course. “ The Prince of Lies felt he should be bringing the deal up again. In fact, it should be brought up as often as possible just to hammer it in.

“Your safety is, without a shadow of a doubt, absolutely positively assured. But yes, you are right. You simply cannot make it big with shadows looming over you. So it would stand to reason that we must deal with your masters as quickly as possible, no? Which brings us to the real heart of the matter…” And here’s where, for four magical words, did the grumbliest and grouchiest member of the team begin hopping on the bed like a foal on Hearth’s Warming. “Good! Old! Fashioned! ESPIONAGE!” ‘Espionage’ was shouted with the word’s native accent as he leapt from the bed and landed aside Dress Rehearsal. “I love that word. Do you love that word? You will. Because what if your master thought he had a pony on the inside, feeding him information on Royal activities?” There was, slowly stretching across his face, a grin that would make Chaos proud. “Because he does. That fourth pony you recruited. Good on you, grabbing a spy for the cause.” He sat down next to his new friend at this point, reaching into his bag for some cloth to reveal more of the pink hiding under Dress Rehearsal’s make-up. “We keep in correspondence, you and I. I feed your master false information. You feed us the real stuff. Thus providing us with the means to apprehend your lord and providing you with the means to achieve fame and fortune. As per our deal, of course.”

It should not be a surprise that Curtain Call loves spy games. It’s not just ordinary everyday lying. It’s professional lying. And he is so very good at lying.

(( Not sure if I should roll again. That song and dance was a natural 20. He IS on our side now and I'm technically not altering the deal. I dunno. Here's a +7 just in case. ))

[Trilobite]

Ironmane, still woozy and a bit confused by the racing action (and crazy dancing) of the last few minutes, brushed off the last of the glitter in her mane and uses her magic to neatly set the last of the costume jewlery--why nothing but pearls? She wondered briefly and came over to lend some support to a somewhat over-excited-looking Ali. "That certainly was...something," she said. "I am not entirely certain I was able to track all of that."

[Bramble Rose]

Dress Rehersal's mane was standing on end. "SPY! On THEM?!" he asked, horrified at the thought. "You've got to be kidding! They'll see right through me! I've never even DONE a spy role in the theatre! That always went to the more popular actors who got the mares! What do you expect me to do? Let them invite me into their inner sanctum, stroll around wearing a very stylish hat and a high-class tunic and hose, and seduce some gorgeous evil mare to my side to get her to feed me information?!"

He paused, his righteous indignation having faded over the course of his shpiel. "Hrmmm... the spies do always get the mares," he mused quietly ... "And ... hrmmmmm ... " His face showed how torn he was... a fully justified worry for his own hide versus the drama pony wanting to live the dream ...

​

[Kirby Krackle]

“All the world’s a stage. And all the mares and stallions merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; and one pony in his life plays many parts.” Curtain Call recited. Such a perfect time to quote The Bard may never come along again. “So, Dress Rehearsal, riddle me this: what is fiction if not lies? What is theatre if not pretending to be somepony you’re not? I think you have the makings of an excellent spy! Why, you’re halfway there already.” The scoundrel strolled as he monologued. If he had a cane, he would be twirling it. “Just think of the daring! Think of the intrigue! Think of the ladies.” He could not help but stress that last part. The icing on the cake came once his random wanderings brought him back among his friends. Tornado Ali, whose dagger-vision he hadn’t noticed yet, had her cannonball shaped helmet plucked from her head to show that yes, there is indeed a pretty girl under it. The once tightly knit braid was jostled, letting waves of snowy white mane spill everywhere. Curtains, with little disregard for the shock on her face, lifted her onto her hinds with the grace of a ballroom dancer, dipped her and planted one long kiss. Passionate and pure. Ali, who was boiling just a moment before had no time to think or protest. A different kind of heat washed over her now, and she could not help but get into it, closing her eyes and letting her wings pop open again.

“Think of the ladies”, he added one final time before setting the Pegasus back on all fours and giving her back her helmet. She had the dumbest look on her face afterwards, practically purring. Curtains, meanwhile, was juggling two thoughts at once. The first was whether or not his new pats- friend was buying any of this. The second was whether being struck by lightning was more favorable than throwing his back out trying to dip Ironmane.

(( What do you guys think? Roll for Bluff again? Here's a +7 just in case I have to. ))

[Bramble Rose]

Bramble knew better than to get in the way of someone delivering their sale. He and Blossom sat in the back, and he was smiling and scratching her behind the ears, just lazing against the massive dire wolf while a few of her vines came undone under the attention, draped across his back. It was cute how, given enough time, he could completely disassemble her with a good scratching. And besides, it helped make her less intimidating, and he felt that Curtain was not going for 'intimidating' so much as 'understanding' at this point. So he smiled brightly at the two scoundrels, and waited.

Dress Rehersal, meanwhile, was chewing on his lower lip, eyes bright as his imagination took hold... his eyes flicked from Bramble, to Ironmane, to Curtain and Ali... and then he grinned. "I'll DO IT!" he cried merrily. "I can outfox that bunch of shadowy halfwits! I mean, they tried turning ME into a powerful dark wizard! How smart can they be?" He threw his foreleg around Curtain's shoulders and turned him away, conspiratorially whispering, "Do you get to pick your own team, or are they assigned to you? Where's my blind drop? What do I do if they tell me to ambush any more caravans? How did you end up being assigned three gorgeous mares like that for this assignment? And are any of them available?"

[Kirby Krackle]

Curtain Call, ever the gentlecolt, made it his top priority to keep the still swooning Miss Ali on her hooves, lest she fall and smack her head. She was a little wobbly there after his public display of affection. Apparently it was as good for her as it was for him. He learned her against Ironmane, whose aptly named stoicism was beginning to crack and wane. But try as she might, she could not help her flushed cheeks and aside glances to… Bramble Rose? There was worry in her eyes. Weird.

“About those caravans, since you mentioned it. Unpleasant as it sounds, you need to maintain appearances and that means doing your job to its fullest. Do as you're told and continue raiding. It's the only way to retain your employer's trust in you. However, I am adding in a few addendums. The first being nopony dies. That is the most important bit. No. Pony. Dies. Defend yourself if you must but loss of life is only going to make it harder for us to negotiate on your behalf. Secondly, oh, I suppose little notes would be nice. Future attack plans, dirt on the ringleader, cake recipes, that sort of thing. Hidden, sealed and marked with something we would recognize.”

“In regards to those… ahem… other matters”, and now the would-be master spy played along, keeping the following information as hush-hush as he possibly could. Bramble Rose especially should not be hearing this. “I’m afraid I cannot divulge any secrets involving Her Majesty’s Secret Service and their means of recruitment. If I had the liberty, I would absolutely love to tell you about the dossiers on available adventurers I received, among them these three beauties. And, maybe, were I able, I could tell you about the rest of the magnificent mares moonlighting as heroines I had access to but did not pick. But, sorry, that information is classified.” He kicked the ground in typical ‘aww shucks’ fashion and gave his new friend a consoling pat on the back. Before a pout began to form though, he did add one last little tidbit that was most assuredly not a blatant lie. “On a more personal note though, no red tape or anything, I can assure you that the little purple unicorn there is single.” A wink sealed the deal. This is going to be fun.

[Bramble Rose]

( Wrapping this up, and most of the players are gone, so going to jump ahead just a bit. )

And so plans were made - for dead drops, for warnings of impending attacks, for the espionage that would come. Dress Rehersal's courage was strengthened for his future meetings with the dark and shadowy figures in the mirror. There were also plans made for a romantic dinner, but those were firmly rebuffed. Quite firmly. Though Dress Rehersal drew Curtain Call aside and asked, "Is there any way of getting her away from that beast of hers? I think she likes me, but that thing is overprotective of her. Is it a guardian summoned by her noble father to protect her virtue, or something like that?"

And it was time to leave. Dress Rehersal ... or 'The Dark Wizard' ... was going to relocate now that his secret base had been discovered, and they had figured out just what dark corner of Equestria's borders he was going to relocate to. He was gathering up his small army of constructs, and getting ready to head out.

The trip back through the forest was relatively uneventful, save for some crystal spiders that got into Ironmane's mane and a dire beaver that chased Blossom around a clearing for a bit. But the barbarians were jubiliant over their heroic deeds, and threw a magnificent feast in their honor.