Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Roleplay Type: Equestria Mane RP

Name: Duskus

Sex:Female

Age: Older Filly

Species: Earth Pony

Eye colour: Dark Grey (But black and white under the effects of poison joke)

Coat colour: Grey with red markings on her back

Mane/Tail/Markings colour & Style: Mane is long and black. The inner part is well groomed and is gracefully spiked at the end

Physique:Fair and tall for her age

Cutie Mark: A black and white butterfly

Origin/Residence:She was originally born in Stalliongrad, but moved to Trottingham with her family to sell paintings to the finer ponies and start a life there.

Occupation: Academic and art student

Motivation: Duskus loves nature, and she tries to spark a love for nature in Trottingham the same way she did back in Stalliongrad through her art. She also wants her art to show the other side of things others might find unpleasant (for example, a tree being cut down, it kills the tree but gives another living creature shelter)

Likes: Stallvador Dali (salvador dali), Abstract artwork, daydreaming. She is a huge fan of her fans however

Dislikes: Easygoing "I'll do whatever comes to me first" ponies, Effortless drawings, good artists lost in fame while at the same time losing their talent,ponies who claim that they are unique just because they can afford things. However, she extremely hates anything that keeps her from drawing too long (School however, is an exception for her)

Character Summary:

Duskus lived in the heart of Stalliongrad in a working-class family. Her siblings always left home to expand the family's business in different ways, it was practically a tradition. Eventually Duskus found out her time was coming but wanted to do something different. She took up something she was interested in for a long time, art

One day, her school had an art gallery and Duskus, being the artistic little girl she is, didn't hesitate to submit her first actual painting. It was a painting of a meadow in a smooth grayscale, and despite the low quality from the lack of materials she had, she had won a contest for "Best Rookie Artist" that was secretly being held during the gallery. Winning the contest inspired her to sell her paintings as a source of income. She had also gained her cutie mark from her talent being unveiled, and her parents saw that Duskus had found something she could live off of. They packed up their things and headed to Trottingham where Duskus would sell fine art to fine ponies.

In school she is a basic student, but she excels in art due to her constant practice. After school she hangs out with some other fillies who are interested in her art, so she is fairly popular among those interested. 3 months after she was welcomed into Trottingham she began to make actual paintings, her favorite painting was one of a field covered in plants and firs, all in her signature grayscale. Duskus has also set up a gazebo during the farmers markets to sell her art with some help from her guardians. However, she often gets competetive with other artists, causing many awkward rivalries.

She is very intense when it comes to selling her art, often trying to find a way into her customer's interests. She will often try and slide in some business into a conversation, having experience in selling things. Overall she is very friendly and also likes taking walks or hanging out in local events.

Being young has its charm as well, and her rather childish appearance gets the other ponies talking to her. Being a rather "fast-talking" kind of pony, she can also be a bit incomprehensive and uses urban slang in most of her sentences. Once, a filly scout asked her for help selling some cookies. Duskus cut right to the chase and in less than 30 minutes, 24 orders were made. She likes being in the community she's in and is willing to do anything to help.

Parents:

After seeing Duskus' potential, they decided to join her and aid in helping her start a new life with the help of some family friends. They are both hard-working and believe in the phrase "Work to Live", teaching their kids that doing a good job will let them enjoy life at the fullest. But despite having two good parents with her, Duskus is the one who takes a parental role for herself sometimes, often having personal talks with herself as if her parents were right there with her when she is alone. However, she is still young and can have some bad judgement.

Cutie Mark Story:

After winning an art gallery by a landslide, she had gained her cutie mark; A black and white butterfly. Her love of nature in art takes form as the butterfly, and the black/white mix represents her grayscale art style.

Flaws:

She is often hotheaded when her dislikes start to show up, and will often cheat her way into and/or out of things when she is, such as breaking something and making someone else fix it without anybody knowing, not even the person cleaning up after her.

Personality:

She is very focused and sometimes cold. However, when it comes to art she opens up and becomes very flexible with the flow of things. When she is discussing art however, she can be a bit of a show off since she feels that she is very popular in the artistic community near Trottingham, when she is really just a top-ranked rookie.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello.

Your character is interesting with her color blindness. I also like how you incorperated her into a family.

A couple of thing I'd add to make this app even more amazing:

  • I noticed that in you description that she has a black and white rose on her back. How and when did she get it? It's not her cutie mark as the butterfly is, so is the rose a tatoo?
  • Why did her parents chose to live in the Everfree Forest instead of in civilized areas? I know you said they were naturalists, but most naturalist ponies don't settle in a wild place like the Everfree.
  • Why did her parents think she was possessed if she just lost her color sight?
  • How did she react to living with Shade and Yuki? Was she nervous having not interacted with many other ponies?
  • How personality wise is she with crowds and civilization now? Would she be comfortable in Ponyville?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello there. :)

Your app is looking pretty good so far, but there are still a few areas that seem slightly problematic.

Most significantly is the issue of her parents' abandonment of her. All too often I've seen in apps people writing out their character's parents either through death or some kind of abandonment. It's not a terrible theme if it ends up meaning something in regards to who the character is; I've personally made use of it a number of times myself in applications. Here, it doesn't seem very in focus with the app. How did being suddenly abandoned by her parents affect her? All you say is that she had to fight and survive on her own for a while after that and that after the fact she felt she no longer needed them, but wouldn't there be some more emotional aspect to it beyond just that?

Additionally, I have to question the motivations of the parents. It seems really, really sudden in how you describe it. These are her parents after all, and furthermore, they're tough survivalists who have chosen to make a home for themselves and their daughter in the dangerous and disturbing Everfree forest, and you don't say anything about it, but we're to assume the relationship between the parents and the child was good before this even, right? It doesn't connect with me that they would get so scared so suddenly that they'd abandon their daughter entirely and then never come looking for her.

Like Lux, I'm also confused about what is meant under Coat Color where it says she has a rose on her back, and under Cutie Mark it says the cutie mare is outlined in white while in the Cutie Mark Story it says it is outlined in black. Clarifying all that would help.

Finally, and this is open to speculation, so I'm not really sure, but physical effects from Poison Joke are shown not to be permanent in the show. I'm not really sure if ingesting it or upping the amount would make any part of it any more permanent. I think it's somewhat frowned upon here to give characters permanent physical abnormalities or defects when it doesn't add anything to the actual character, and in this case, her having been inspired for her art by her color-blindness could have occurred without the exterior effects on her eyes needing to be permanent.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello there. :)

Your app is looking pretty good so far, but there are still a few areas that seem slightly problematic.

Most significantly is the issue of her parents' abandonment of her. All too often I've seen in apps people writing out their character's parents either through death or some kind of abandonment. It's not a terrible theme if it ends up meaning something in regards to who the character is; I've personally made use of it a number of times myself in applications. Here, it doesn't seem very in focus with the app. How did being suddenly abandoned by her parents affect her? All you say is that she had to fight and survive on her own for a while after that and that after the fact she felt she no longer needed them, but wouldn't there be some more emotional aspect to it beyond just that?

Additionally, I have to question the motivations of the parents. It seems really, really sudden in how you describe it. These are her parents after all, and furthermore, they're tough survivalists who have chosen to make a home for themselves and their daughter in the dangerous and disturbing Everfree forest, and you don't say anything about it, but we're to assume the relationship between the parents and the child was good before this even, right? It doesn't connect with me that they would get so scared so suddenly that they'd abandon their daughter entirely and then never come looking for her.

Like Lux, I'm also confused about what is meant under Coat Color where it says she has a rose on her back, and under Cutie Mark it says the cutie mare is outlined in white while in the Cutie Mark Story it says it is outlined in black. Clarifying all that would help.

Finally, and this is open to speculation, so I'm not really sure, but physical effects from Poison Joke are shown not to be permanent in the show. I'm not really sure if ingesting it or upping the amount would make any part of it any more permanent. I think it's somewhat frowned upon here to give characters permanent physical abnormalities or defects when it doesn't add anything to the actual character, and in this case, her having been inspired for her art by her color-blindness could have occurred without the exterior effects on her eyes needing to be permanent.

well actually, i felt that if i mentioned what the rose meant to them, i9t would show that her parents had a wobbly relationship with her, sometimes seeing her as angelic and sometimes seeing her as demonic.

and the eye thing, i kinda left it on a "believe what you want" story to how they remained like that, being that it was the poison joke or an actual evil spirit that made them that. The rose and the Poison Joke are key factors to which side the reader wants to take, but the one thing the poinson joke WAS responsible for no matter what was the temporary blindness. Also, her demand for respect actually comes from her eyes, i mean think about it, if YOU had eyes like that and a black and white rose that is unexplainable in your hair you would feel and BE disrespected by strangers, so her eyes kinda give her a reason to want respect

Hello.

Your character is interesting with her color blindness. I also like how you incorporated her into a family.

A couple of thing I'd add to make this app even more amazing:

(gonna do a q and a thing to answer your questions)

  • I noticed that in you description that she has a black and white rose on her back. How and when did she get it? It's not her cutie mark as the butterfly is, so is the rose a tattoo?
  • not really, its more of a " hey look the dog has a heart shaped spot" kind of thing, but her parents being all spiritual and whatnot felt that it represented her status for the future, either a harmless soul or another one of evil's puppets, and again the "how her eyes ended up like that" story butt into this as well, leaving it at a "is it the rose or the Poison Joke" choose your side thing
  • Why did her parents chose to live in the Everfree Forest instead of in civilized areas? I know you said they were naturalists, but most naturalist ponies don't settle in a wild place like the Everfree.
  • True but if you want your children to adore nature as much as possible you OF COURSE dont want them to be distracted by new era stuff, and considering that nobody dares enter the forest, its a good place for that too, calms the body AND spirit to be in direct nature
  • Why did her parents think she was possessed if she just lost her color sight?
  • Voodoo spiritual stuff and anything like that, she didn't get the chance to talk to her parents since they were running away, so she couldn't say "all i did was play in poison joke". But her parent's personal belief points to the rose, so again, pick your side no difference in what happens really, she doesn't know if she's really that important or if it was just some really strong Poison Joke
  • How did she react to living with Shade and Yuki? Was she nervous having not interacted with many other ponies?
  • She adapted great after a while, she planned on freeloading then leaving but she grew up with them long enough for her to call them family. Other ponies... are fairly the same, she just feels disrespected because of the "cirque de freak" going on with her eyes and the rose on her back, and because of this she is always stared at in public and sometimes judged. She just wants people to at least know her story or respect her.
  • How personality wise is she with crowds and civilization now? Would she be comfortable in Ponyville?
  • when it comes to that... not really. One part of her tells her to socialize and meet more ponies despite the fact that they may not be worth it to learn about her parents but the majority of her tells her that its her parents fault that they never decided to stop and listen, and that if she was to socialize, it was because she wanted to talk to that specific pony. Personality-wise... she's a bit negative about herself in public since she's always stared at, but still manages to keep things steady as long as she isn't humiliated

that wraps up your questions now :D

Ok fixing it now

lol im barely getting into the tempo of this arent i...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reading the application, I feel similar to what Phil has already so well explained. For me though, the portion of the application that comes off a bit strange is her initial inability to speak despite being old enough to be filly when she is found. Her parents must have spoken to her in order to communicate their beliefs (which I assume they wanted her to have), as well as basic day to day communication. I cannot see any advantage to not allowing her to learn language on top of the already unusual physical characteristics that make her stand out. Most importantly, it doesn't bring anything to her story other than another attempt to make her more physically unique (which people all too often use as a substitute for character depth); instead it simply gives the feel of a frivolous inconvenience for the other characters in her story to overcome.

Motivation:She wants to be seen as a respected figure and not just a black eyed white-iris pony that is looked at strangely when she goes outside. She also wants her art to show the bright and gentle side of all things cruel through simple black and white illustrations and paintings.

I wonder if you mean showing the bright and gentle side of things people perceive as cruel but are not necessarily truly cruel, as if they were malevolently cruel, I cannot see how they would have a good side to them; the former sounds far more plausible for a reason for her to paint what she paints.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Reading the application, I feel similar to what Phil has already so well explained. For me though, the portion of the application that comes off a bit strange is her initial inability to speak despite being old enough to be filly when she is found. Her parents must have spoken to her in order to communicate their beliefs (which I assume they wanted her to have), as well as basic day to day communication. I cannot see any advantage to not allowing her to learn language on top of the already unusual physical characteristics that make her stand out. Most importantly, it doesn't bring anything to her story other than another attempt to make her more physically unique (which people all too often use as a substitute for character depth); instead it simply gives the feel of a frivolous inconvenience for the other characters in her story to overcome.

I wonder if you mean showing the bright and gentle side of things people perceive as cruel but are not necessarily truly cruel, as if they were malevolently cruel, I cannot see how they would have a good side to them; the former sounds far more plausible for a reason for her to paint what she paints.

actually yes, thats what i mean to say in terms of her artwork, i just thought about changing that just 2 hours ago

and about the communication thing, another one of my flaws, i forget the simplest things yet remember the most complex things. But i can still explain this: take a person that only speaks a tribal language, then drop them off as a young kid in the U.S. or some place that doesn't know their language

There you have it, Duskus when she was first discovered (basically saying that she could talk to her parents, but only in the language that they spoke, a tribal language and nothing but that, i think that's where the whole beliefs thing wraps up) But besides, she already knows the language that most ponies speak thanks to Shade and rarely uses her first known language now (unless of course she's mentoring herself)

the main reason i include everything, even conflicts that have already been solved is so that in RP threads, others can know "oh duskus is referring to this" or "duskus is talking about THAT" and not be all like "what does duskus mean when she says 'i remember when a language that i was familiar with and completely understood sounds like complete gibberish to others'? I thought she always spoke english"

and forgive me for being so stubborn on changing the application but i basically took my current O.C. characters and just fit their locations and appearance into the pony universe, considering that i wasn't a brony when i came up with them, thats why they have such deep character and don't seem easy to work with

im a complex type of person, but if it needs to be done, ill do it just to get it over with

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How is this Application coming along?

not sure if its good the way it is or not... if you read what i posted above you'll see the main conflict of this application, howver as i stated recently, I'm worried that ill end up changing duskus too much that she won't feel like my character anymore

kinda like having 4kids take invader zim and making him an alien who wants to make friends, except it isn't annoying and is actually trying to help and its just 3 people, not a huge company

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the biggest problem with this application can be summed up pretty easily in your response - it's not an Equestrian character, it's not a pony character. You are making up, wholecloth:

1: A 'tribal language' spoken only by exactly two ponies - her parents.

2: A spontaneous set of 'spiritual beliefs' followed by exactly two ponies - her parents.

3: A coincidental marking which is seen as odd by exactly two ponies - her parents.

4: A permenant affliction by poison joke - which violates the feel of the show.

5: A poison joke affliction which is cruel and not 'funny' - which violates the feel of the show.

Your need to have her parents abandon her carelessly, to have her speak a completely foreign language, to have a very - in your opinion - freaky appearance ... not because it applies in any way to what would make a good pony character, but because it is something that applied to your previous character which was *not* made to fit into Equestria.

To fit this character into Equestria Mane RP, you would need to make a lot of changes. If you are much against making so many changes, then I would recommend you put this character into Free-for-all or Crossover RP instead of Mane RP.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the biggest problem with this application can be summed up pretty easily in your response - it's not an Equestrian character, it's not a pony character. You are making up, wholecloth:

1: A 'tribal language' spoken only by exactly two ponies - her parents.

2: A spontaneous set of 'spiritual beliefs' followed by exactly two ponies - her parents.

3: A coincidental marking which is seen as odd by exactly two ponies - her parents.

4: A permenant affliction by poison joke - which violates the feel of the show.

5: A poison joke affliction which is cruel and not 'funny' - which violates the feel of the show.

Your need to have her parents abandon her carelessly, to have her speak a completely foreign language, to have a very - in your opinion - freaky appearance ... not because it applies in any way to what would make a good pony character, but because it is something that applied to your previous character which was *not* made to fit into Equestria.

To fit this character into Equestria Mane RP, you would need to make a lot of changes. If you are much against making so many changes, then I would recommend you put this character into Free-for-all or Crossover RP instead of Mane RP.

well actually i was offered some help, so i'll be working a lot more on this now that i gained it, this is gonna take a huge effort now that all the problems were pointed out

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How is this Application coming along? :)

changed a lot of stuff to try and make it work, not sure if you read it o3o

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, you should always comment once you've made updates. Your previous comment said you'd be working on it, not that you were finished updating the Application. :)

oh ok

sorry i have a short attention span... for the most part at least

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, there.

So, I think you are making good progress here, but there are still a few things that need addressing.

First off, the eyes. I regrettably must inform you that solid black and solid white eyes are not allowed in Mane RP. It's a rule that we have to enforce because it's one of those ways people try to make their OCs "too special". It borders on Mary Sue-ism. Anything from light grey to very dark grey would be acceptable, though. As long as it's still "normal" eyes.

The coat marking is a little bothersome in the same way. It's a little too specific for my taste. If it was something like "black (or red) markings on her coat that resemble a rose", it wouldn't be a problem, really, though in the current version of her history, it kinda feels like a superfluous detail without any purpose. Though the problem really is that it says outright "It's a rose".

Now to a little more meaty problem. The circumstances of her adoption are a little unclear to me. Did Duskus real parents give her up for adoption? If so, was she in an orphanage? And how would 2 Zebras who only speak their native language be able to adopt a filly from an orphanage?

If you want to dodge all of that, and since her real parents don't seem to have any significance aside from birthing her, I'd consider changing it to her substitute parents finding her as a foal, without really going into any detail about her real parents.

And since there is no official lore about Zebras and their homeland for purpose of Mane RP, I'd suggest you remove all mention of it by name, and just say "a foreign language", or something along those lines. :)

I'd probably not have her eye defect be the first thing in her history. Maybe start out with her early life, and then mention it, and then go ahead with the accident that separated her from her foster parents.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's definitely improving! A few more changes should really be made to have it fit into the feel of the World of Equestria, but I have some suggestions I hope will be able to help you develop this character and keep all the key elements of it!

1: The second foster parents - the zebras. I'm not sure how important these are, but first off - there isn't a tribe of zebras living in the everfree forest - just Zecora. Second, why didn't they go looking for their foster-daughter, when she was just right outside? That doesn't make sense.

2: Getting lost and surviving on your own for months on end in the Forest as a little foal. Surviving is hard work.

3: Trottingham is a rather populated area. You can see the map here.

4: Being color blind isn't something that can be healed by 'getting knocked on the head'. It's not a matter of something in the brain, it's how the eyes are formed. It's also not something which makes it 'hard to see'. Someone who's colorblind isn't half-blind. They simply can't differentiate between colors. It would not make someone more likely to trip, or more likely to get lost.

All in all, it's too many *very unique* things, still. Being an adopted foal by itself is fine ... losing your parents twice starts to get a bit unusual ... and every extra-special oddity added on top of that just makes the character more and more 'outside'.

From what I can tell, the key elements of your character is:

1: She's an artist.

2: She knows what it's like to be colorblind, but she can also see in color.

3: She seeks to translate very unusual things to art - like how she herself is different. Her goal is to help other ponies see things in a new way.

4: She's an orphan, and has had to take care of herself a lot.

Here's my suggestions:

1: Drop the 'she only spoke another language' bit. Language is not a big deal in Equestria. Let that be.

2: Let her eyes be normal - but when she is affected by poison joke, her eyes go weird - black with white irises - as does the rest of her. In fact, to make it be an actuall *joke*, let the poison joke cause her to change into a tie-dyed pony - tie-dyed coat, colorful mane and tail - but she can't see what it looks like because she's colorblind! This eventually ends as the poison joke wears off, and her eyes and her coloration go back to normal.

3: She keeps running into poison joke a LOT because poison joke makes the most *perfect* blue dye that she loves to use in her paints - so she can't just avoid it. So every few day she mixes up a new batch and *bamf* tie-dyed colorblind pony.

4: Her parents had to give her up because they loved her very much, but were poor, and therefore were unable to take care of her properly. They wanted her to go to somepony who would be better able to give her a good life. There was no orphanage in her hometown, so she ended up having to leave her home and ended up in the Trottingham orphanage. She was angry and upset about this, and often ended up running away and spending several nights in the nearby forest (normal forest - not the Everfree) where she taught herself simple woodcraft and how to forage for herself - but always ended up going back to the orphanage after a bit of that. It got to where the orphanage caretakers just smiled and sighed and shook their heads when she disappeared, knowing she'd be back eventually. During one of these camping trips, she ran into the two ponies and started to talking with them. They grew to liking each other, and when they discovered Duskus was an orphan, they followed her back to the orphanage and adopted her.

5: One tiny little detail - "Yuki" isn't a very pony-ish name. If Shade and Yuki are already characters in the mane RP, then that's fine - if not, you might want to change Yuki's name. Since "Yuki" means "blessing" and "snow," you could rename her as "Snow Blessed" or something similar for her pony name.

Obviously I'm not saying this has to be *exactly* what you do - or even close to it. I'm just trying to give some ideas that will keep those basic elements, but translate it into something much more Equestria-ish, hoping that it will spark some ideas for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's definitely improving! A few more changes should really be made to have it fit into the feel of the World of Equestria, but I have some suggestions I hope will be able to help you develop this character and keep all the key elements of it!

1: The second foster parents - the zebras. I'm not sure how important these are, but first off - there isn't a tribe of zebras living in the everfree forest - just Zecora. Second, why didn't they go looking for their foster-daughter, when she was just right outside? That doesn't make sense.

2: Getting lost and surviving on your own for months on end in the Forest as a little foal. Surviving is hard work.

3: Trottingham is a rather populated area. You can see the map here.

4: Being color blind isn't something that can be healed by 'getting knocked on the head'. It's not a matter of something in the brain, it's how the eyes are formed. It's also not something which makes it 'hard to see'. Someone who's colorblind isn't half-blind. They simply can't differentiate between colors. It would not make someone more likely to trip, or more likely to get lost.

All in all, it's too many *very unique* things, still. Being an adopted foal by itself is fine ... losing your parents twice starts to get a bit unusual ... and every extra-special oddity added on top of that just makes the character more and more 'outside'.

From what I can tell, the key elements of your character is:

1: She's an artist.

2: She knows what it's like to be colorblind, but she can also see in color.

3: She seeks to translate very unusual things to art - like how she herself is different. Her goal is to help other ponies see things in a new way.

4: She's an orphan, and has had to take care of herself a lot.

Here's my suggestions:

1: Drop the 'she only spoke another language' bit. Language is not a big deal in Equestria. Let that be.

2: Let her eyes be normal - but when she is affected by poison joke, her eyes go weird - black with white irises - as does the rest of her. In fact, to make it be an actuall *joke*, let the poison joke cause her to change into a tie-dyed pony - tie-dyed coat, colorful mane and tail - but she can't see what it looks like because she's colorblind! This eventually ends as the poison joke wears off, and her eyes and her coloration go back to normal.

3: She keeps running into poison joke a LOT because poison joke makes the most *perfect* blue dye that she loves to use in her paints - so she can't just avoid it. So every few day she mixes up a new batch and *bamf* tie-dyed colorblind pony.

4: Her parents had to give her up because they loved her very much, but were poor, and therefore were unable to take care of her properly. They wanted her to go to somepony who would be better able to give her a good life. There was no orphanage in her hometown, so she ended up having to leave her home and ended up in the Trottingham orphanage. She was angry and upset about this, and often ended up running away and spending several nights in the nearby forest (normal forest - not the Everfree) where she taught herself simple woodcraft and how to forage for herself - but always ended up going back to the orphanage after a bit of that. It got to where the orphanage caretakers just smiled and sighed and shook their heads when she disappeared, knowing she'd be back eventually. During one of these camping trips, she ran into the two ponies and started to talking with them. They grew to liking each other, and when they discovered Duskus was an orphan, they followed her back to the orphanage and adopted her.

5: One tiny little detail - "Yuki" isn't a very pony-ish name. If Shade and Yuki are already characters in the mane RP, then that's fine - if not, you might want to change Yuki's name. Since "Yuki" means "blessing" and "snow," you could rename her as "Snow Blessed" or something similar for her pony name.

Obviously I'm not saying this has to be *exactly* what you do - or even close to it. I'm just trying to give some ideas that will keep those basic elements, but translate it into something much more Equestria-ish, hoping that it will spark some ideas for you.

oh ok

and yuki's name is really Sleet Glaze, its just that everyone calls him that, also, the "her" thing, trust me you're not the first person to call yuki a she. And yes his application was accepted so i think that'll work out. Also, i moved her childhood ara to the Whitetail forest instead since i recently got the bad ending on super filly adventure... and i know what you mean as in "wild" now

Also, remember that her art is in black and white, so blue dye isn't an option, but i can pop something in there to make it work,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok this has been updated for like idk the 4th time so, hopefully im close enough or at least ready for this to be accepted

what i changed

  • Rewrote her backstory again to see if a "this happened and then this happened" format works
  • Left deep information either blank or anonymous, like the nationality of the foreign couple
  • Made things a bit more believable bringing back poison joke as a "Just to at least keep the eye color included" factor
  • Changed things related to the new edits

Hopefully this is enough!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's getting closer!

1: The new, condensed timeline is indeed easier to read, and gives me a much better idea of what's going on in your character's history, thank you very much. That helps a lot.

Improvements:

1: MAP The map is still a problem. Again, look at the map - the White-tail Wood is a long way away from Trottingham. It would take several days to get there by cart. If you just want a wooded area, you don't have to *name* the wooded area - just say it's a generic 'nearby woods'. The map, after all, doesn't show where every single tree is - just the major forested areas with little civilization breaking it up.

2: The language issue is still very much an issue. It makes absolutely no sense that she was growing up in a civilization and yet wasn't able to speak the language, no matter how little she socialized. One simply cannot keep from hearing the language spoken around one, especially as a baby. During that whole time you're in a crib and can't move around, you're learning the language.

And again - language is not an issue in Equestria. Even animals often seem to understand the common tongue. Foreign folks like Griffins and Germanes and Buffalo all speak the common tongue. If I might ask, why is it important that your character be so artificially foreign from everyone they grew up next to?

I'm not sure what to suggest for this element of your character other than 'remove it' because I don't understand why it is important to you.

3: You still have her going from seeing greyscale to seeing in color because of brain trauma. Eyes don't work that way. She *either* sees in greyscale or she sees in color - she can't just swap back and forth when she hits her head or sleeps for an especially long time. Why is it important that she was born seeing in greyscale but she now sees in color?

4: If Shade and Yuki are other players, I would very much appreciate it if you would link to their applications. Also, they will need to post to your application to say that you're allowed to use their characters in your history.

5: The tale of your character wandering off through the woods, climbing mountains, surviving a couple months in the wilderness by herself ... is about a prepubescent. Little foals - especialy untrained foals - don't go climbing mountains and living for months without aid. Not to mention that her legal guardians just suddenly disappear entirely from the story.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's getting closer!

1: The new, condensed timeline is indeed easier to read, and gives me a much better idea of what's going on in your character's history, thank you very much. That helps a lot.

Improvements:

1: MAP The map is still a problem. Again, look at the map - the White-tail Wood is a long way away from Trottingham. It would take several days to get there by cart. If you just want a wooded area, you don't have to *name* the wooded area - just say it's a generic 'nearby woods'. The map, after all, doesn't show where every single tree is - just the major forested areas with little civilization breaking it up.

2: The language issue is still very much an issue. It makes absolutely no sense that she was growing up in a civilization and yet wasn't able to speak the language, no matter how little she socialized. One simply cannot keep from hearing the language spoken around one, especially as a baby. During that whole time you're in a crib and can't move around, you're learning the language.

And again - language is not an issue in Equestria. Even animals often seem to understand the common tongue. Foreign folks like Griffins and Germanes and Buffalo all speak the common tongue. If I might ask, why is it important that your character be so artificially foreign from everyone they grew up next to?

I'm not sure what to suggest for this element of your character other than 'remove it' because I don't understand why it is important to you.

3: You still have her going from seeing greyscale to seeing in color because of brain trauma. Eyes don't work that way. She *either* sees in greyscale or she sees in color - she can't just swap back and forth when she hits her head or sleeps for an especially long time. Why is it important that she was born seeing in greyscale but she now sees in color?

4: If Shade and Yuki are other players, I would very much appreciate it if you would link to their applications. Also, they will need to post to your application to say that you're allowed to use their characters in your history.

5: The tale of your character wandering off through the woods, climbing mountains, surviving a couple months in the wilderness by herself ... is about a prepubescent. Little foals - especialy untrained foals - don't go climbing mountains and living for months without aid. Not to mention that her legal guardians just suddenly disappear entirely from the story.

actually, yuki and shade are my characters, and i linked their applications below

Besides that i tweaked a few more things that weren't asked to be changed but added anyways, so i think thats it

Please let me know what needs to change!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All right, I looked through your new app.

1. I see you moved your character to living weeks without aid in the woods instead of in the mountains. This is still, however, wilderness... and young foals don't do very well in the wilderness, untrained. A few days at most ...

2. OK, so she's in Trottingham, where she's known to be missing ... why hasn't Yuki and Shade told the guard, "We found a lost foal." Especially when the foal obviously needed medical attention and wasn't talking to them...

3. Why would ponies look at her strangely because she has grey eyes? That's a normal sort of an eye color.

4. "(for example, slaying animals for food, its cruel, but necessary to stay alive)" Ponies don't eat meat ...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All right, I looked through your new app.

1. I see you moved your character to living weeks without aid in the woods instead of in the mountains. This is still, however, wilderness... and young foals don't do very well in the wilderness, untrained. A few days at most ...

2. OK, so she's in Trottingham, where she's known to be missing ... why hasn't Yuki and Shade told the guard, "We found a lost foal." Especially when the foal obviously needed medical attention and wasn't talking to them...

3. Why would ponies look at her strangely because she has grey eyes? That's a normal sort of an eye color.

4. "(for example, slaying animals for food, its cruel, but necessary to stay alive)" Ponies don't eat meat ...

oh actually on your fourth question, its a comparison, im not saying that they eat meat, its a synonym (is that that right word?) o3o

and she feels as if she's being looked at strangely, when she really isn't, she just lacks some self-confidence

the whole report thing doesn't really matter since Shade and Yuki could take care of her without a problem, and it was clear that she was shy. Everyone knows that she's back in Trottingham. but they don't know she's related to the couple that lives in the nearby woods.

I'll tweak the amount of time to just a week, considering that she learned from herself and her foster parents before she got lost. But you're right in terms of how long a young filly can last in the woods, even just a few acres of it. Also she got lost when she was a young filly, not a foal.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Regarding the fourth question: Ahhh, I see. Do you think you could come up with something more appropriate to the setting to explain it? Like ... parents punishing their foals, perhaps? Rather a bit milder, but I'm sure the foals see it as cruel! Or something else. I'm not entirely sure I'm clear on the idea.

Could you make it more apparant that it's her self-consciousness and not what others are actually doing?

For the amount of time she was lost, and the explanation of her abilities, I do have a question, then. If she's old enough to know what she's doing in the wilderness.. how did she get lost in the first place? And if she knows survival techniques... how did she make the most basic of mistakes in not staying where she was and waiting for the search party?

Regarding Shade and Yuki ... the way you describe it, the two of them basically kidnapped Duskus. I'm not sure that's what you intend to have happened.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Regarding the fourth question: Ahhh, I see. Do you think you could come up with something more appropriate to the setting to explain it? Like ... parents punishing their foals, perhaps? Rather a bit milder, but I'm sure the foals see it as cruel! Or something else. I'm not entirely sure I'm clear on the idea.

Could you make it more apparant that it's her self-consciousness and not what others are actually doing?

For the amount of time she was lost, and the explanation of her abilities, I do have a question, then. If she's old enough to know what she's doing in the wilderness.. how did she get lost in the first place? And if she knows survival techniques... how did she make the most basic of mistakes in not staying where she was and waiting for the search party?

Regarding Shade and Yuki ... the way you describe it, the two of them basically kidnapped Duskus. I'm not sure that's what you intend to have happened.

Woaaah it makes them look like kid-snatchers? dang, well no.. but... i thought the application stated that everyone knows about duskus but they couldn't connect her with the couple looking for her, and Duskus grew atatched to them a lot faster than they did with her, but if you give me something i can put in there that can explain this, lemme know and ill do it

Self consciousness made clear? Sure

New comparison? Its fine i'll change it

I'll do it tomorrow since i gotta hit the sack early for once

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...