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Darkness Eclipsed {Final}


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Roleplay Type: Mane RP

Name: DarknessEclipsed

Sex: Colt

Age: Stallion

Species: Pegasus

Eye Color: Blood Red

Coat Color: Pitch Black

Mane/Tail/Markings Color & Style: He has a spiky, messy black and red mane and tail, both very voluminous. He has red hooves and markings in red splattered all over his body. You can find them on his forehead, nose, and cutie mark area

Physique: he has a small build but is quite strong and tough, he is also fairly tall, coming only just under that of an Alicorn.

Cutie Mark: His Cutie Mark is that of a mostly full moon and inside the moon is a compass.

Origin/Residence: He was born and raised in a small colony of just Unicorns not far from Fillydelphia but after the events in his life ran away to Canterlot where he currently resides.

Occupation: He is currently unemployed and is searching for a job

Motivation: His motivations in life are to make some great friends, find that special pony to settle down to have a family with, and make up for his past.

Likes: Darkness enjoys night fling and drawing, he also does nature exploration and loves to make drawings and maps of where he has been. Though he is usually alone he lperfwrs to be with ponies but is too nervous to approach

Dislikes: Rude selfish people, hatred, Griffons, walking for a long distance, rejection, being outcasted

Character Summary:

Personality: Darkness Eclipsed is a shy, isolate pony, he doesn't speak much and strays away from crowds to avoid confrontation. He does this because he hates rejection, and being outcasted. He wants to have friends but because of how he past is he tends to avoid ponies.

History: Darkness Eclipsed was born and raised just outside of Fillydelphia, he was the youngest of 4 foals his parents had, and to them he was corrupted. When he was born a Pegasus in a colony of Unicorns do they ostracized him. He was a sweet, kind, and caring young colt but his parents were always outcasting him and paying attention to his brother and 2 sisters more, saying he he didn't belong. He tried running away but was always caught and brought back. Even when school started he was left alone and made no friends as most avoided him, not being rude to him but not paying attention at all. This caused him to become shy and isolate, giving up on making friends and just silently went by school until he graduated.

As he aged he began to make some money with some odd tasks and erands for those he could get to help him, once he made enough he bought a train ticket and booked it to Canterlot. It took a week to travel there and once he got there he manged to stay in a cheap hotel for a the first few days. Soon he saw how warm and happy everyone was there an ventures out to explore. That's when he bumped into Moonlite Frost (another OC of mine). They talk gor a while after she coaxed him into speaking, This made him loosen up a bit and now he walks around Canterlot looking for a job. He stays with Moonlite and they have formed a Brother/Sister bond with one another and like to leave it at that.

Cutie Mark Story: He earned his Cutie mark in a heroic saving act to his only brother. It was a late Summer day when a Rainstorm hit during the annual family picnic, Darkness Eclipse and his brother were seperated by a tree from the rest of the family, and Darkness led them to safety using the moon, that was barely seen through the clouds, to figure the direction toward the town they lived in. It was quite a long trek and his brother had hurt himself when he fell along the way so Darkness carried him. Once they were free ponies ran up and congratulated him for te great job h did saving his brother, earning him his Cutie Mark.

Talent: His talent is to be able to tell direction to safety no matter te conditions out.

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Well, it's not too dark. You might want to go into detail as to why his prents thought he was evil. Usually color doesn't affect things as there's a rainbow of ponies out there. You also should explain how he got his cutie mark. Finally, I see you mention a pony named Moonlite Frost. Is she just a random pony Darkness met? I'm asking this as you shouldn't have another OC in your app.

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Moonlite is my own OC that's why, I'll change it to a random pony if you want. Yes I still need to do the cutie mark story but I am restricted on time I can. And ok I'll be sure to elaborate a bit more on the history.

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Ok. A couple of things before we can get the bakll rolling on this app.

1. You mention he was the youngest of 4 fillies. Do you mean youngest of four siblings?

2. I think you need to try something different than the family ostracizing him just because he's a certain color. If he looked like Nightmare Moon, I can possibly understand, but since there are lots of different colored ponies, show wise you don't see hem making fun of each other or ignoring others due to a color scheme.

3. I'm a bit confused about his ability. is it that he can navigate in the dark using the moon and stars? You might want to explain more of that.

4. Also, wwhy was he ostracized in school when ponies congratulated him when he got his mark? Again, you might want to think of something other that the coloring.

You're almost there!

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Same old same old, but have Internet at home now so maybe tommorow I'll tweak.

Btw any suggestions on a way to place him as a outcast? I'm stuck on what to say, maybe like a dark cloud appeared to enter him? Or he is the only Pegasus in a family of Earth Ponies?

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Hi there! This is a beautiful app, I really like your character. I've got a few suggestions on how to improve it.

The main problem is with the speed of it all. I feel like you only briefly touch on your character, when he's got such a deep, expansive story about him. Just think detail, detail, detail! Pull out the ol' thesaurus and tell the rich and incredible story that's inside your head. I, personally, am quite fascinated with his backstory. It just moves a bit fast.

Mane/Tail/Markings Color & Style: he has large but messy and pointy red and black hair as well as spiked out red and black tail. He had a marking on his forehead and nose, both red. His hooves are red and he has a splotch on his cutie mark area, again in red

The phrasing here just feels off, and is a little bit confusing. With some paraphrasing it should be fine. How about "He has a spiky, messy black and red mane and tail, both very voluminous. He has red hooves and markings in red splattered all over his body. You can find them on his forehead, nose, and cutie mark area."

Physique: his has a small

I think you mean "he has".

Motivation: His motivation in life is to make friends and need that special somepony to have a family with, and to make up for his upsetting past.

Once more the phrasing is a tad bit confusing. How about "His motivations in life are to make friends, need that special somepony to have a family with, and make up for his upsetting past."?

Personality: Darkness Eclipsed is a shy, isolate pony, he doesn't speak much and strays away from crowds to avoid confrontation. He does this because he hates rejection, and being outcasted. He wants to have friends but because of how he was avoided and rejected as a filly and colt he tends to avoid ponies afraid of being rejected and outcasted again.

You sure do mention rejection and being outcasted a lot. Perhaps only one mention is needed, it's layed on a little thick. Additionally, "rejected as a filly and colt" was a sentence that quite confused me.

he was the youngest of 4 fillies his parents had, and to them he was evil.

You mean foals, correct?

paying attention to his brother and 2 sisters more, saying he was the colors of evil.

As Lux pointed out, there are lots of black and red ponies in Equestria, and so far in the show no connection has been shown between a ponies perception of evil and coloring.

You're almost there, Chrys! In no time this'll be stamped and approved! When that happens, let's RP together :)

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Ok. Just two things.

1. You mention he's in a colony of Univorns. You mean unicorns, right?

2. The whole ostracizing due to his color thing is a little against the theme of MLP. I mean there are several pony types and colors and there really isn't any problems seen. It's a touchy subject that is like racism, or in this case, color ostriciing. So you should maybe try something slightly different. Now if he had the color scheme as Nightmare Moon then I can see why he'd be ostracized by color alone.

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Ok. I'd just take out the corrupted word. I can understand if he was made fun of if he was ostracized being a pegasus, but corrupted not so much.

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