Story: Cast Of booms and battles

[AppleBoom]

*explosion*Whazzup everybaady! Boom here, and just thought I'd treat you all to the music of the eyes.. MY STORY! Or one of them anyway. It's called 'The Battle' on Fimfiction.net, you can find it by this link:http://www.fimfictio...4127/The-Battle The name's Nevermore, on Fimfiction, hope you enjoy it! As to what its about, if you like action, you'll like this one. If you do read it, leave a comment on your way out!*explosion*

[SteelEagle]

The prose needs a lot of work and the dialogue seems very stilted. The problem with writing epic heroes being epic is the tendency to have them speak in such ridiculous fashions that they are unreadable, and you way too often resort to using small lines of prose for impact. A few times this can work, but it is way overdone in the first three chapters to the point that it becomes tedious. The story itself hasn't grabbed me- the first battle seemed anything but climactic and we are re-telling and otherwise filling in backstories that we've all read about a hundred times.

The story isn't bad, it's just that it is seemingly trying to be too hard to be epic. Almost every line is either a faux inspirational speech or back and forth between Celestia and Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon and Luna. Since we know the outcome to this, you need to really give us, the readers, good cause to wanna invest ourselves into it. The problems the story has in general are easy fixes: Edit for basic grammar and spelling, work on the prose, and stop trying so hard to make it feel epic. Let the events themselves be epic.

Here's to chapter 4 being even better!

[AppleBoom]

The prose needs a lot of work and the dialogue seems very stilted. The problem with writing epic heroes being epic is the tendency to have them speak in such ridiculous fashions that they are unreadable, and you way too often resort to using small lines of prose for impact. A few times this can work, but it is way overdone in the first three chapters to the point that it becomes tedious. The story itself hasn't grabbed me- the first battle seemed anything but climactic and we are re-telling and otherwise filling in backstories that we've all read about a hundred times.

The story isn't bad, it's just that it is seemingly trying to be too hard to be epic. Almost every line is either a faux inspirational speech or back and forth between Celestia and Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon and Luna. Since we know the outcome to this, you need to really give us, the readers, good cause to wanna invest ourselves into it. The problems the story has in general are easy fixes: Edit for basic grammar and spelling, work on the prose, and stop trying so hard to make it feel epic. Let the events themselves be epic.

Here's to chapter 4 being even better!

Thanks for the advice! You are the first one to actually stop and tell me how to make it better! I will try my hardest to make it as enjoyable as possible.

[AppleBoom]

The prose needs a lot of work and the dialogue seems very stilted. The problem with writing epic heroes being epic is the tendency to have them speak in such ridiculous fashions that they are unreadable, and you way too often resort to using small lines of prose for impact. A few times this can work, but it is way overdone in the first three chapters to the point that it becomes tedious. The story itself hasn't grabbed me- the first battle seemed anything but climactic and we are re-telling and otherwise filling in backstories that we've all read about a hundred times.

The story isn't bad, it's just that it is seemingly trying to be too hard to be epic. Almost every line is either a faux inspirational speech or back and forth between Celestia and Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon and Luna. Since we know the outcome to this, you need to really give us, the readers, good cause to wanna invest ourselves into it. The problems the story has in general are easy fixes: Edit for basic grammar and spelling, work on the prose, and stop trying so hard to make it feel epic. Let the events themselves be epic.

Here's to chapter 4 being even better!

Thank you for the advice! You are the first one that actually took the time to help me make it better. Thank you.

[AppleBoom]

Stupid phone... Made me reply twice.....