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Eclipse (Ready)


SymphonicFire

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Name: Eclipse

Gender: Female

Age: Young mare

Species: Pegasus

Eye colour: A dark blue.

Character colour: A darker baby blue

Mane/Tail/Other: Tail and mane are dual coloured, being both a darkish light blue and a dark blue. She styles her mane so that it hangs over her head a bit and goes down her neck in a spiral pattern. She has two white mane clips in it in a criss cross. Her tail is also in a spiral.

Physique: Eclipse has a bit of a stronger build then an average mare though it is mainly her wings that this actually affects. She likes to wear two white mane clips, which she has criss-crossed, in her mane.

Residence: Cloudsdale

Occupation: Flight school coach

Cutie Mark: An eclipse with a light blue glow and two stars, one on each side.

History: Eclipse was born in Cloudsdale. She didn’t grow up with any friends; she just stuck to herself and to her own interests. When she was old enough to join flight school her parents sighed her up. That was the first time she had smiled. As she arrived at the gates of the school she saw tons of ponies walking as groups and it made her feel lonely. As she walked into school, she had her head down and was looking real down. As she saw the race course, her attitude changed from the loneliest pony to a bright happy girl. She quickly ran to her class. As she looked around she noticed her class had four colts and one filly. The filly looked down, like she had just had a sad moment. As eclipse walked up to the filly, she had asked "What’s wrong?”. The filly turned and looked at eclipse. She had tears in her eyes. She simply flapped her wings and sobbed some more. She was unable to fly. Eclipse had taken pity on the filly. During the next few weeks eclipse had learnt the pony's name. She was called Aurae. Aurae had wanted to fly though she couldn't, the reason her parents sent her there. From then on after classes, Eclipse would take Aurae on a flying exercise so that she could improve her flying and over the years, Aurae trained to be the fastest pegasus in her class.

One day, Aurae tells Eclipse that she would be moving to Manehattan to train with coaches and become the best flyer so she could one day join the Equestia games. So they had a final race between Eclipse, Aurae and the rest of her class and as they walked over to the starting line they wished each other luck and positioned themselves. The race starts and Eclipse shoots forward ahead of the pack until she suddenly sees Aurae catching up with her. Eclipse is very competitive so she flaps faster and dives down to the next ring but Aurae was already at her tail and speeding faster than Eclipse could. Eclipse was already running out of breath but Aurae suddenly crashes into a cloud as she crosses the finish line. She sees Aurae finish closely behind her and looking disappointed. Aurae sinks to the floor and bangs her hoof on the ground. "I was better, faster and yet i lost!" she cried as she got up and walked past Eclipse, not making eye contact. Eclipse learned that she hurt her friend because she won the race. Eclipse wanted to apologize but Aurae was already gone.

Over the years Eclipse still remembers about Aurae and how she taught her to fly so when Eclipse was old enough, she moved out of her parent’s house and got a job as a Flight Camp coach. She wanted to teach young ponies to fly because she loved to help others to be able to feel the joy of flying. She wasn’t the kind of coach to teach about advanced flying, she preferred to teach the ponies that were beginners and weak flyers.

Cutie Mark Story: Eclipse earned her cutie mark during the duration she had taught Aurae how to fly. She loves to fly anytime, anywhere because she loved the sensation of being free and flying with friends. One day at sunset she was flying with Aurae and as the saw sun touched the horizon, she could feel the soft breeze flowing through her mane and the glow of the sun as it started to set. She glided across the sky as she saw the moon and she thought, "Why do i love flying so much? I feel like this is what I’m supposed to feel! Free without anything to worry about!”. As she thought of that her cutiemark appeared on her flank, an eclipse with two stars. She squealed with happiness as she told her friend what had just happened.

Character Summary: Eclipse is very fun and friendly and she spends most of her time flying or reading Daring Do and reading comics like power ponies. Eclipse loves the night and enjoys letting all her fears, anger and sadness get suppressed and concentrates on the joy of flying in the darkness. She often goes out and tries meet new ponies if she isn't working and she loves to listen to music and help her friends. She's most of the time quiet but she still likes to talk to ponies and fly with her friends. She got a job as a flying coach because she felt that teaching other ponies how to fly was what she loved to do. Eclipse does have trouble with getting to know strangers; she has a problem with trusting new ponies. Although she is often positive to her friends, she isn't the type who loves pink, fluffy and colorful and is more serious and straight forward.

eclipse_ref_by_symphonicfire-d7lm17p.png

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The gender should be female.

Her age should be closer to a young mare if she has a job, especially a freelance one.

The idea of eclipses isn't really mentioned in the show, and a pegasus can't derive special powers from them. You can mention her interest in the idea, but to full on bring it into the MLP universe is very iffy.

I like the application a lot but I don't see the purpose behind random awful acts like that. Betrayal isn't a word we usually see on applications. Why would your friend suddenly insult you for no reason?

It's okay for your character to fail, but to be completely mistreated to the point of seclusion is outside the realm of WoE. Try to tone it down a notch and keep the application positive.

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The gender should be female.

Her age should be closer to a young mare if she has a job, especially a freelance one.

The idea of eclipses isn't really mentioned in the show, and a pegasus can't derive special powers from them. You can mention her interest in the idea, but to full on bring it into the MLP universe is very iffy.

I like the application a lot but I don't see the purpose behind random awful acts like that. Betrayal isn't a word we usually see on applications. Why would your friend suddenly insult you for no reason?

It's okay for your character to fail, but to be completely mistreated to the point of seclusion is outside the realm of WoE. Try to tone it down a notch and keep the application positive.

Okay i changed it. Is there anything else?

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Okay, a few tiny adjustments and I'll send it up for approval.

Put the cutie mark story after history so the reader can understand who her friend is.

Remove the mention of DR pon from here, characters need to stand by your descriptions.

Lastly, trim out the out of character stuff and that will be that!

Good luck!

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Okay, a few tiny adjustments and I'll send it up for approval.

Put the cutie mark story after history so the reader can understand who her friend is.

Remove the mention of DR pon from here, characters need to stand by your descriptions.

Lastly, trim out the out of character stuff and that will be that!

Good luck!

Thanks for the help! And for the DJ pon thing i was just asking if i was allowed to mention a TV

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Right, I'm your friendly neighborhood SRP, and I'll be the person to eventually approve your app once the following things are addressed:

  • Change the Gender to "Female" and the Age to "Young Mare". Teens are too young to be flight coaches, or have any sort of non-temp job for that matter.
  • This app really needs to cut down on the angst between Eclipse and her friend. World of Equestria aims to recreate a setting with the same general mood as the show, which means the less an app deliberately attempts to tug on the heartstrings, the better. There is a specific place where I feel the History field crosses this line: when the OC's friend is described as both struggling to fly AND being bullied. I find that excessive, and my advice is to cut out the mention of the friend being bullied, since I don't find that very relevant to the primary backstory between the two ponies.
  • The History also feels very incomplete to me. Eclipse beating her poor-loser of a friend one time doesn't seem like an adequate reason for your OC to give up racing. Not unless you provide a reason as to why this friendship couldn't be patched up. Furthermore, there is no explanation as to why and how Eclipse wanted to become a flight school teacher. Please add more about how your OC got to where she is today after that once race; she needs to have portions of her backstory that don't revolve around their friendship.
  • Add a few details in the Character Summary about how Eclipse acts as a flight coach. As of the app's current edit, her occupation seems only like an afterthought.
  • Remove the references to the gun and the TV. Those are not technology that we feel fit into World of Equestria.
  • Make sure you give your app a thorough proofreading. I spotted various words lacking proper capitalization or don't have a proper plural form (ie. "ponies" misspelled as "pony's"). It's real important that all RPers in World of Equestria use proper spelling and grammar, so do your absolute best to fix any writing errors you find.

I'll feel comfortable giving Eclipse the stamp once you've made the necessary edits. :)

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Well if i remember WoE is kept literally as close to the show as you can get, so that means that everything in your app should at least closely resemble to the show. So that would mean no guns and prob no TV, like the RPH have already said.

U guys know the disclaimer

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