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Coffee Shop Blues, Writefriend September 2011


Ginger Mint

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(I wrote this for the September 2011 writefriend. With apologies to my friend who's fabulous blues song inspired me)

It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not so much dark and stormy, really more twilight and cloudy. Oh, and it was morning too. In fact, scratch that, let me start over.

I was sitting in the corner of a lightly murmuring coffee shop, gently plucking my guitar on a morning scarcely different from any other. Ponies came and went, occasionally tossing a few bits in my jar along the way. I was happy enough to provide a little bit of atmosphere to the place, even if it wasn't much.

My favorite tune is a fanciful little ditty that requires a bit of tricky hoofwork here and there, but usually sounds more impressive than it is difficult. As is often the case, the room quieted down a little as I began to sing those soulful words that I knew so well.

You've been round here for me, for such a long time

the days keep on rollin' and I just don't know how,

to get your memory off my mind, off my mind,

why did it end up this way?

The morning's so empty, without you

and I am so thirsty,

the pieces of my cup, I still haven't

gathered them back up

I remember the last time, I ever saw you

oh I dove down to my knees, but you kept right on falling

oh I lay there on the floor, on the floor

why did it end up this way?

this place is so pointless, without you

and I am so thirsty,

the pieces of my cup, I still haven't

gathered them back up

the shards of a cup

(here's the part where I pick up the pace and raise my voice)

My life it crumbles, into my shaking hooves!

my heart it fumbles, nothing to wake up to!

I lay and I grumble

If I could put back together the pieces of my cup

it would still only form a shell...

The pace slowed back down again here, and I cooled off the crowd with a long and ambling instrumental bit. I had closed my eyes as I felt the music flow through me, the feeling was always the same. But this time, I felt something different, there was something else, something more to this place.

The song came to an abrupt halt when I opened me eyes. A sea of bright pink filled my vision.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie! Wow, that song is suuuper sad. At first I thought you might find something else to eat for breakfast, but I guess you really must like your coffee. But then I thought, hey! Why don't you just get a new cup? Even if your old one had a lot of sentimental value, having some super delicious, extra yummy coffee has got to make up for it a little bit right?"

The bright pink pony was talking and talking, I wasn't quite sure if she was a basket case or if she had simply too much coffee already.

"Well, you see Miss Pie, that song... It's really more of a metaphor and..."

I couldn't tell if she was really listening or not, but she wasn't about to let me finish my thought.

"Don't be silly! That's not a very good metaphor, I mean duh! You can always get a new cup, and then you can have all the coffee you want!"

She laughed, and it was contagious. I snorted, I chuckled, I very nearly cracked up at the sight of it. That feeling I had been building up through my music, that cool sliding progression, it faded away and was replaced by something light and bubbly. I wasn't sure which of my songs would fit this mood, but that pink pony let me off the hook by jumping up on the stage and standing at my side.

"Back me up now!" She yelled, and I started playing something, anything that was in time with the beat of her hooves.

Coffee! It keeps you goin'

Coffee, no point in slowin'

Shake away those sleepy eyes

you'll surely find a big surprise

get up and start your day

work hard and there might be time to play

Have a cup, settle in

don't worry its just begin-ing!

The entire room moved in time with her singing, and the rhythm I laid down with my guitar. The murmer in the coffee house rose up to meet me when the song was over. Everypony seemed a little bit more alive, except for maybe the pink pony standing right next to me, who was breathing heavily. She had put her whole heart into it, I could tell.

"So! lets go find you a new cup, it takes a lot of energy to sing as long as you've been, and I can tell you need it!"

A new cup, maybe it really was that simple.

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I have a couple of suggestions. First off:

"It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not so much dark and stormy, really more twilight and cloudy. Oh, and it was morning too. In fact, scratch that, let me start over."

Delete that. I get the joke, but this doesn't belong at the beginning of the story. You need to draw your reader in but I think you create distance between your story and your reader by creating a word picture and then telling the reader to disregard it. Plus, it creats a sense of mistrust because it communicates to the reader that the descriptions which follow may also be false, or part of a joke (which they aren't, making this sentance really stick out like a sore thumb).

Another thing is the change in mood, or lack thereof. I think you're just missing a sentance or two towards the beginning. You describe a lift in spirits when Pinkie's song is played but I don't think you established the mood created by the meloncholy song. I think you just need to describe a depressed mood in the patrons of the coffee shop (or even disinterest) in response to the more depressing song so that there is a contrast to the reactions to Pinkie Pie's song.

Other than that, I think you did a pretty good job. My points may seem minor, but I feel they would make a big difference so I hope you consider them. And please don't take my comments personally; I am only trying to help.

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