Pony_Sage

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

'HORSEAPPLES! Why did you go and write that to them.' Rivet chided herself. 'Snowfall thinks that she offended you. Why would you go and do something like that.' Rivet looked angry with herself until Snowfall's counter-offer hit her ears. She perked up with a smile, 'Yes! That would be wonderful! A joint partnership, halo drives made with NSI parts, ships docking at my Light-House. THIS is perfect.' Rivet, still smiling, pointed her hoof at Snowfall's words and nodded her head joyously.

“Perfect, yes please, sounds wonderful. Not in it for the money, really, just want to work on airships. Get name known, have Halo Drive make airships better.” The type-writer ecstatically sang out.

She turned her attention to Lola's words next. 'Oh yes of course, emergency maintenance is a must. After all I would be using the engineers on board the ships to help me with the retrofit. Oh safety tests? Well I understand that, but that would require either engineers to reverse engineer the drive. Or griffons looking over my shoulder as I worked.' Rivet shivered a small amount at the thought of so many griffons wandering about her house, moving things. As it stood she was at the limit of her crowd tolerance, she was never much for big gatherings, they made her feel small and insignificant.

“Yes, ship engineers will help me with installing, it isn't top secret, just very special part. What safety tests needed? All calculations checked and rechecked. Have working model in test room basement, 240 working hours, no fault. But want to know what I can do to help testing.” Rivet floated the strip over to Lola with a big smile on her muzzle.

Rivet levitated Lola's business card to herself and read it briefly before tucking it away in a little compartment in her saddle. 'Give her one of yours, that is the polite thing to do.' Rivet reminded herself. With a brief pause she levitated a pair of home made, self printed, not so fancy business cards over to both Lola and Snowfall. Upon them was nothing more than her address and name, simple but still useful.

“Would you both like to further look at the blue-prints?” Rivet levitated the short note between her two new friends with an inquisitive look upon her face. She actually had another copy of the blue-prints stashed in her saddle. Even though she was dubious to handing out her blue-prints wily-nilly, she was confident in both the quality of both Lola's and Snowfall's character, and the simple fact that she had left out some small but very important parts, that could be very easily looked over, in these blue-prints. If the engine was assembled according to these blue-prints, it simply would not function, at all, and it would not be cost effective to figure out why. When it came to her work, Rivet was a tad paranoid.

Hay there! Just wanted to stop by and help you out a little bit. The lore around Zebras changed a wee bit since this character was posted so I figured I would let you know, if you didn't already. Also Yahom's name, while it does mean 'With the Wind', it is strictly used in a nautical sense, and usually means straight ahead. As in to go straight ahead or 'With the wind' whilst sailing on a body of water. Since it is a strictly nautical term, I would like to see a small nautical flair to the character's up bringing. Maybe his tribe was one of the few tribes that frequented the norther banks of Unyasi? This would both account for his name, a tribe that was strictly relegated to the inland plains would not generally use a nautical term to name their children, and it would also explain his wings. Since the tribe frequented the northern banks, it would make sense that they would run into ponies more often than a tribe that only lived on the plains.

Other than that the app is looking pretty good. So look over the Zebra Lore and maybe add some of the terms, to make the application more dynamic, and explain his name a wee bit better, and I am sure that there is a place for Yahom in Trottingham!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hay again, I assure you that you are not stepping on anypony's hooves. Really I just wanted to inform you that it will take a while to process the 'CASAR' idea fully, and there is the chance that it might not get through. So if you were looking to RP in general within a short time-frame you might want to either rework the character or maybe start a new one. Although if you are a patient pony, more power to you! You would post the idea for the 'CASAR's in the Proposed Lore section, which it seems as though you already have, kudos!

Again you are not stepping on any hooves, I just wanted to let you know that the process for ratifying an organization may take quite a while!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hay there, just wanted to stop by and lend a helping hoof. Your character seems pretty well thought out and developed. You might want to ad a little about his personality, but that is a side note. What I wanted to talk with you about is the 'CASAR', this seems to be a grand organization. While this is not a bad thing, it is however subject to approval, you need to write up a post for the Lore & Organization section. If the organization is approved then you can use it in your character's application. It is a very long and arduous process to have an organization ratified for 'Mane RP', so if you are looking to RP in a short amount of time, I would highly recommend removing any references to the unapproved organization from the application, you can always go back and tell a helpstaff that you want to edit it if the organization gets approved. As to the 'CASAR' in and of its self, it is a wee bit redundant. The REA, since Equestria is not at war, usually takes care of domestic disturbances such as the ones that you have outlined that 'CASAR' does. There are units in the REA that Wind Rider would fit into very well, you might want to take a look over their organization and see if it fits Wind Rider here.

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

From what I see all you need to do is wrap up the Cutie-Mark story, and touch on how he came to his current situation. Just final touches and wrapping up the back-story is all that really needs to be done. Since this is a WIP and you noted that you are working on the back-story in your app, I say that you are well on your way to completion. I find it rather amusing that he stole things to fuel his curiosity, a rather unique attribute. So just wrap up the Cutie-Mark story and touch on his current circumstances and you should be fine.

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

Hay there again! I see that you edited the application and everything is looking pretty good! You added some depth to his back story and cutie-mark tale, which is great. The magic at the moment is a sticking point for me, his magic is just too powerful. I know that he would use the spells properly and responsibly, but as far as we have seen in the show, Twilight Sparkle is the most powerful Unicorn Pony spell caster. With this in mind, her most powerful spells that she has demonstrated seems to be both telekinesis, demonstrated whilst levitating the Ursa minor and the water tower, and her ability to teleport, which is relegated to minor distances. I would say that, although they are very interesting, the portals have to be removed. Maybe you could emphasize on a spell that he created o help him with watches, being his go to spell, or the time dilation effect that you outline later in the application. His ability to teleport might need to be reigned in a bit, so that it does not exceed that of Twilight. I like the Time Sense, that is a really neat passive spell! The telekinesis is perfectly fine, almost every unicorn has that to some degree. The pocket dimension in his hat is a very interesting angle! I would assume it is used for storing his tools and such, maybe a book or two, things like that right? The limitations are good, and the time paradoxes add a really fun aspect and hook to an RP scenario. I hope this helps you out!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hay there, I thought I would stop by and lend a helping hoof! Clockwise here seems like a pretty fun character to have in the RP and the application is pretty much all there, so I just have a few questions for you and some tips! First, I really want to know what dimensional magic implies! It sounds rather complicated and interesting, but I am more concerned with its outcomes and ramifications. What is he going to be doing with this sort of magic? Also while you have a personality and a back story, I would like to know a little more about him and his life up until now. How is his relationship with his parents? Does he still keep in touch with his clockmaker friend? How did he notice his talent for magic if he wanted to work with clocks? All these things will help you develop a more dimensional character and make him more fun to play for you! You also might want to expand upon his cutie-mark story, give a few specifics about what he was doing when it happened. Was he putting together an especially difficult clock from scratch, or was he fixing a patrons beloved coo-coo clock? Something like that will also add depth to your character. I like his personality, it seems to fit him very well! I hope that these tips help you out while you develop this character!!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

I really like where this character is going! You have pretty much everything a good application needs. You already said that you are working on her personality a bit more, so it seems that you are on-top of everything that needs to be done! Plus your pictures are rather well done, I can't wait to see them finished to be honest with you. The explanation behind the tribal mark is top notch as well. We don't have that many Zebras and it will be wonderful to have you in the Mane RP once the character gets processed through! I shall keep an eye out for a final tag!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

P.S. The Zebra lore went through a major tune up, although not much changed it was made more verbose and descriptive. You might want to take another gander at it to see if it might help you out with anything that you are stuck on! Here.

Reworked the character, strengthened the application. Final draft is ready for assessment.

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Rivet froze like a Peryton in the Train Lights, she had not expected this at all when she set out for the Great White City of Stalliongrad. “...I'd love to have my engineers look into the prospect of actually building these on a large scale...” These words echoed in Rivet's head for a moment, they were soon joined in bouncing about with “...I would be highly interested in retrofitting my family's fleet with them...” The gears in Rivet's head ground to a halt for a moment, thoughts stopped mid stream, she almost stopped breathing. As her senses slowly came back to her she took a deep breath, as though she had been underwater for quite a while.

'Oh no no no no no, This isn't good at all!! What am I going to do?!? These two are so nice, listening to me prattle on about myself, Snowfall is the CEO of NSI for Celestia's sake, and Lola is apparently a griffon of some renown. How am I going to tell them this?' Rivet thought as she ground her teeth, a bad habit from her foalhood. 'I...I just don't want other ponies working on my equipment, changing things. Stuff could do wrong, ponies could get hurt. Plus most of how to make and install these is in my noggin, I can't move up to Stalliongrad just to help ponies make the Halo Drive. Plus maybe I wouldn't be credited with the invention, I don't know these ponies after all. Ooooooooh, I don't want to come off as rude and self centered. What am I going to do. STOP grinding your teeth, bad Rivet, that isn't polite.'

Rivet smiled bashfully as she stopped bruxing her teeth, her eyes darting from Snowfall to Lola and back again. She carried a worried look upon her face as her typewriter quietly started its task.

“So sorry, can't do that. Happy to make and install on any ship that visits Light-House, no imposition at all. Each unit, hoof tuned, fabricated, installed, and tweaked for unique airship. May take longer, better results. Not good for mass producing. Sorry again, not mean to be mean. Will install on any ship that visits again. But no mass producing please. Sorry again.”

Rivet cringed as the tape levitated in front of Snowfall and then Lola. 'I really hope they understand. This has been such a wonderful evening, I don't want to ruin it for anypony.' She worriedly thought.

Cool! As I said, I like the character and hope to see her in the RP soon! I wonder what would happen if Rivet and Dash Dot ever met. Thanks for the heads up by the by, but apparently other users can see it, maybe it is your browser blocking content or some such. Thank you again though for the help!!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hay there Frian, I just wanted to stop by while this was still a WIP and give you a few pointers. I like where this pony is going, a mute pony that communicates via Morse Code is a pretty neat idea. As for her living arrangement if you take a look here and click on the map, it will give you a few good ideas of where she might be stationed, maybe Manehattan could fit her. I would like to point out that Dash Dot here shares some aspects in common with Rivet, a mute light-house keeper from Hoofington. While this isn't a bad thing, there might need to be a little divergence from one another, just so that there isn't a duplicate character. Great minds think alike I suppose! As for the Morse Code, I really wouldn't leave any of it untranslated, maybe stick the translation next to it in parenthesis, that way everyone knows what you are saying, but the other players will act as they don't know. I say this because while technically CW isn't another language, it is not readily understandable to multiple people. Or simply state that she taps something out on the floor but it is lost in translation. Unfortunately it would be very difficult for her to communicate reliably in this fashion, so keeping the pen and paper on her at all times would be a definite plus. Maybe Dash Dot here could even manage to purchase one of Rivet's older model portable type-writers off of her. I am sure that she has one laying around, and wouldn't mind parting with it too much! I hope these pointers help you out as you craft this character!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello again! Sorry it took so long for me to get back to this topic today, I could only use the laptop for so long, it was a very busy day. I would like to correct myself if I may. I made an error as pertaining to the Zebra's 'Flank-mark'. As it stands, in the board's cannon at least, the Zebra race does indeed have what falls under the blanket term of 'Cutie-Mark'. Also as it currently stands, this 'cutie-mark' is acceptable is both forms, magically appearing, as it were, or tattooed on as a right of passage. I felt it remiss not to correct my previous statement as pertaining to that aspect of the character.

Now as for developing her tribe, I see no problem with that, and to be honest I'm not sure if you have to be accepted into the RP group to be able to post in the proposed lore section. You might want to post this topic in the OOC Chatter section. Since the Tribe would act as almost her extended family. There are two other 'family' threads being posted at the moment, so a Tribe post would make all the sense in the world. Describe a bit about them, ask some questions, propose ideas about the tribe. Who knows maybe somepony will want to join the tribe!

As said above, I can not wait to see this character come to completion, she seems like a very interesting Zebra! If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to PM any one of the staff members here, I am sure that they will be able to answer your questions! And if you ever want to talk about Zebra world building, feel free to shoot me a PM!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hay there Dunes, pleasure to meet you! Since this is an application for a Zebra I thought I would stop by and lend a helping hoof, as it were. I like seeing more Zebras out there, I really do. For quite some time, Monty was one of the few Zebras on the boards. As you can see, the colour of Akila's stripes won't be a problem at all. It seems as though you have read through the Zebra lore, and if you haven't, may I suggest doing so to help you along with the character's development.

First things first though, the field titled cutie-mark, if you could please change that to Tribal Symbol: it would be greatly appreciated. As it stands the Tribal symbols, although similar to cutie-marks do not appear in the same manner, they are in fact tattoos that represent both the tribe and that Zebra's special talent. Since the tribes wander more often than not, and have very little communication between each other outside the Festival of Life, it is quite possible that this tribe might only know of vague descriptions of the outside world. After all Unyasi, the Zebra Homeland is an island, here is a map to help you out a little. You might want to add a little more on her personality, she seems the type to have dogged determination in the face of any adversity, am I correct? Which has a very nice contrast against her love of looking more like a female, this could make for some fun RPing to be honest!

I just want to point out really quickly, even though she lives in Unyasi, you can RP with her anywhere on the map. Also at the moment Unyasi is kind of a ghost town, so there might not be that many RP's going on there. If you started one with this character, after approval of course, that would be a wonderful thing. All in all, I like the Zebra, I like the direction you are taking her in, and I can't wait to see her completed! I hope the pointers I have given you help out a little!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Sooty leered at the grey pony, who was looking rather dejected as he sat upon his haunches. She didn't care for this pony, there was something off about him. Maybe it was his city up-bringing or maybe it was the way he carried on about Coal's working. Sooty scoffed at the wiry pony as she flitted over to another rafter, closer to the warmth of the Vulcan Forge. As the steel flowed into the mold Coal pressed a heavy hoof down on the top of the sand, making sure to keep all the broken pieces in place.

"Akh, Dun yeh lehv whan eht flems lehk deht?"

Coal 's voice was filled with glee and an odd grin was on his muzzle. This was, after all, his favorite part of the job. The chassis of the press at the moment was being knitted together beneath the black sand. The molten steel was filling the gaps and slowly hardening. Coal glanced over his shoulder at the dejected pony mumbling to himself in the corner. He trotted over to Chase and gave him a hard pat on the shoulders, stopping only for a moment to give him a wink of his eye. Trotting over towards a pail in to corner, he reached down and picked it up in his mouth, its contents sloshing from side to side making the sound of a small ocean. Coal placed the bucket next to the sand mold, this part was tricky, if he poured the water too soon it would deform the steel, too late it would not temper it correctly. As the tell tale smoke started to rise from the sand mold's flash point Coal quickly poured the water into the boxes. An audible hiss could be heard as steam rose from his general direction. The sand quickly lost its coherence and fell from the sides of the chassis, revealing a fixed but not yet finished printing chassis.

"Lekkeh Her, Ahlmest gehd ahs neh!"

Coal hefted the chassis up onto one of his stump workstations, with a clang the tools on the side of the stump jangled. Pulling a chisel out he pressed it against the flash on the side of the chassis. With a swift fore-hoof smack on the top of the chisel the flash went shooting across the workshop, at this Coal laughed, sometimes the smaller details slipped his mind. Next up was a filing, with a rather rough looking rasp in his mouth Coal began to make the flash around the edges smooth and contoured. The whole process of finishing the piece took somewhere near an hour or so.

Coal was hoping that Chase would be appreciative of his newly fixed printing chassis as the big Roan pony pointed to the object with a hoof and said with excitement,

"Ahn eht eez dune! Hew yah leek eht?"

A big smile was on Coal's muzzle, he really did hope that this fancy pony liked his work, maybe even enough to recommend it to his fancy city slicking friends!

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

Hay there again. We are currently making a site wide push to use 'Title tags' instead of the 'Bracket Tags' system. If you open up your original post in the full editor you will notice up at the top you can edit the title of this thread. Please do so and remove any 'Bracket Tags' such as [Pegasus] or [Final]. There is a second field underneath the title editor in which you can put 'Title Tags'. Please fill this field out to reflect your applications current status. Thank you in advance!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

Hay there Lilia, I thought that I would wander by and lend a helping hoof. You have the basic skeleton of a good application here, although I would like to see a bit more. There isn't much in the way of her personality. Does she have any particular quirks or habits? Is she a feminine mare, or is she tom-boyish? As an editor I would imagine that she is a very determined individual. You might also want to expound upon her cutie-mark story a bit. Was it just the act of reviewing the magazine that was the trigger, or was there more to it? How long did it take her to become the editor of the magazine? Did she work her way up through the ranks, clawing her way to the top? A little detail in her back-story, and some more on her personality would go a long way! As I said you have the basic skeleton of what should be here, just put some meat on the bones!

Hay there again. We are currently making a site wide push to use 'Title tags' instead of the 'Bracket Tags' system. If you open up your original post in the full editor you will notice up at the top you can edit the title of this thread. Please do so and remove any 'Bracket Tags' such as [Pegasus] or [Final]. There is a second field underneath the title editor in which you can put 'Title Tags'. Please fill this field out to reflect your applications current status. Thank you in advance!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hay there, I thought I would stop by to lend a helping hoof. You have pretty much everything down pat, although there are a few little things that you might want to take a look at. The first being that if she had been struck by lightning, even a little bit of it, she would have had a serious injury. Maybe she could have been inspired by the lightning without being struck by it? Also there isn't much in the way of her personality, I would really like to see what kind of pony she is aside from her weather-pony duties. Is she quiet and reserved, or is she outspoken and boisterous like the lightning she loves so much? Is she a very feminine Mare or is she more of a Tom-boy? Just some ideas there for you.

Also there isn't an actual cutie-mark story, you should probably work one up for Blue Bolt here. Cutie-marks are a very personal revelation for the pony. Maybe she received it when she first successfully created her lightning storm? That does not seem like an easy task, and one that might be worthy of her getting her cutie-mark! The cutie-mark story and the the personality will give Blue Bolt here more depth and make her a more playable character. Once you take a look at these, I am sure that this will be a Grade-A app!!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings