Pony_Sage

Hey there, I like the progress on this application, just two things. Under the origin field it still says that he lives in Ponyville, I know this just got looked over when you edited the app last and I just wanted to bring it to your attention. Now as for his name, it just does not sound very pony-like to me. It is much closer than his previous name, but still not quite there. I'm going to quote another user here because her suggestion is a very good one;

Flutterscotch:

And oddly a good place to look for mechanical words that would fit as a name fictional pony is Doozer names from Fraggle Rock: http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Doozers (I know how weird that sounds)

Maybe after you look over that list you will get some inspiration for a great pony name!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

I like the down-to-equestria idea, it makes him more playable and easier to interact with. Again I hate to tell you but the three names really can't stay. The nick name is a clever play on words, I understand, alas Leonardo and Isaac are too human of names and just don't fit with this OC it seems. Flutterscotch pointed out a great place to come up with names if you want a two part, but I really think that Gearling fits this pony perfectly. So while you are editing his motivation if you could edit his name as well, it would be greatly appreciated.

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

'YAY!!! They want to know more about my designs!!! Oh frabjous day!!' Rivet let out a silent squeak as she pranced in place. 'Stop that! This is a professional gathering, act your age!' She scolded herself as she snapped back to reality and nervously looked about hoping no one saw her joy dance. Just for this occasion she had, when she was dressing, neatly folded a blueprint of one of her contraptions into a neat tiny square and stashed it in her saddle. 'This is the perfect design to have brought!' She thought as the type-writer sprang to life.

“Have blueprint, can show, so interesting, more efficient, more powerful, faster, better.” The short note read as it was passed between Lola and Snowfall.

Rivet reached back with a green tendril of magic and plucked the blueprint out of her saddle. The nearby table would be a perfect place to spread it out, once the condiments had been cleared off, which Rivet did with an eager hoof. The blueprint had been folded so tightly to fit in her saddle that she had an awful time of unfolding it. Slowly but surely the blueprint grew in size as the folds relinquished their hold on the thin paper. Astonishingly the paper took up most of the table, the white pen on the blue paper traced unique and intriguing lines that joined to make magnificent patterns. The designs seemed to be of a steam engine, but something was drastically different from the classic in-line piston set up of most steam engines. The pistons were clustered in a circle around an eccentric crankshaft that seemed to terminate rather quickly.

“Have been looking into steam turbines. Interesting applications, amazing speed, great for aircraft. But too big, require too much steam. Would need to much water, too big of a boiler, only work for massive ships and for short periods of time. Still years away from practical use. I made this instead. 'Halo Drive'.” The note read as it was placed on the table. Rivet's mouth mimicked the motion of saying 'Halo Drive.' Lost in thought she continued to type.

“In-line pistons, good, but not enough energy transferred to props. Loss in length of crankshaft, bulky.

'Halo Drive' Removes problem. Puts pistons and cams right outside eccentric crankshaft. Direct energy transfer. Less loss, shorter length. Pistons right behind props. Can achieve greater speeds. Since air has less resistance than water, better for airships. Greater speed equals faster ships equals more cargo runs equals more money. Would need to retrofit entire ship, take out old engine, assemble new ones, put on, reroute steam pipes. Lots of work, but really worth it. Trims around 1-2 tonnes from ship's displacement. Lighter means faster. Have most parts, can order ones I don't have to be fabricated. Whole job on medium class cargo vessel, takes about a month.” This note was one of the longest that she had written in a long time.

Rivet's hoof traced the lines on the paper to exemplify some points that the note made. This was, to be sure, a major advance in steam engine propulsion for the airship industry, Rivet was hoping against all odds that her designs would impress these two magnates and she might get her name out there, or better yet, her engine.

I popped in to help you out with the title as I can see that BlindJester seems to already be helping you with the application its self. To edit the title, click the edit button at the bottom of the source post, when it gives you the option to have more options for editing, click that. Next you will need to look at the very top of this page with the expanded editor on it. There will be a field with the current title. You can edit the title from there, and it will be saved when you submit changes!

I hope this helps you out!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

I like the work you have put into this character. I see a bunch of development since I last commented. I was actually hoping that this pony would get finished up soon, she seems like a great addition to the the "Mane" RP. Remember, when you are finished editing your app change the [WIP] tag to a [Final] tag. She seems like a wonderfully developed and very dynamic pony!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

I like the work you have done, but please change the post's topic to reflect the character's new name. This can be done by editing the primary post, opening up the full editor and at the top editing the post's title. Thank you!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewinds

This is a well developed character, everything is here and where it needs to be. The only thing I am going to ask is change teenage daughter to fillyage, since we really don't know how ponies age, and at the end of the cuite-mark story if you could just append something along the lines of "With a tingle and a spark on his flank, his cutie-mark appeared!", because it kinda blends in with the rest of the back story as it stands. Other than those two small things, everything seems in tip top shape!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello there! Another Stalliongrad pony, and a mechanically inclined one top boot, very nice. I am sad to inform you but you can not have a three part name, just too cluttered. Also Leonardo, while it is an interesting name, doesn't sound very pony-like and we are trying to shy away from first and last names. I do, however, really like the name Gearling, it really fits him as a pony! As for the "Mane" RP, I am sure that you can fit him in, "Mane" RP just have more stringent rules outlining what you should and shouldn't have as a pony, and as it stands nothing seems out of place other than his name.

You have a pretty good background and the cutie-mark story is rather funny but it works well at the same time. I don't see much of a personality however. What makes this pony tick? Why does he like technology, what drives him to create these contraptions? Did he see one when he was a foal and just fell in love with the design? Or is it an attempt to make mundane tasks easier? Maybe he has a repair shop in Stalliongrad, or maybe he works for a big firm that repairs many different sorts of items. There are a lot of fun ways you could take this pony and I hope to see him come to completion soon!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hello there, just thought I would stop by and lend a helping hoof. First things first, could you please bold the field tags such as, Eye Colour:, it makes reading the application much easier. Also if you take a look at this thread you will notice that Ponyville is getting a little crowded, there are many locations for Gerald here to live. As for his relation to Doctor Whooves, the cast policy stands. Doctor Whooves has been tagged as cast for our extended universe cannon, unfortunately Gerald here can not be related to the good Doctor. You can, however, play out a relationship with him in an RP as you see fit. Their previous relationship has to go, I am sorry.

I like where this pony is going however! I am sure that once you rework the app you will have a bit more to work with in the way of a back story. You might want to expand upon why he likes to repair things and how he got his cutie-mark. Also what does the cutie-mark mean to him, since it is a very personal rite of passage. Giving the character a back story is a very important part of the application, it gives you something to base all of his personality and actions upon. Also I don't see much in the way of his personality. Is he driven and focused, or is he lackadaisical about his work? Is he super organized or helter-skelter when he fixes things? These are some things to think about when crafting his personality. Personality gives your character depth and makes them more of a dynamic character to play.

I read that you are in the process of re-working the application, but I figured I would give you some pointers to think about in the mean time!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

"Assessed!" Thus spake the sage.

"Assessed!" Thus spake the Sage.

She looks good to me! Remember, be sure to change the topic tag from [WIP] to [Final] when you think Melody Night here is ready to be assessed!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

At its current rate Ponyville is quickly becoming overpopulated, and isn't quite the quaint small town that it once was. There are more than a few quaint rural towns throughout Equestria, Solstice Heights is actually a small quaint rural town, also Appleloosa is a budding rural town. For that matter she could live in a home off to the edge of one of the forests, that way she could be self sufficient and and still be close to a town! Let me pose a question to you, Does Ponyville have any special significance to your pony in either her back story or the character's development? If not then it would be easy to pop her over to a less populated area. Again this does not mean that she cant visit and sing in Ponyville and sing there, it just means that she lives in the other town. This helps the actual Role Play proliferate throughout the entirety of Equestria so we don't get too many ponies living in one area and never leaving there. As afore mentioned, Ponyville is getting very over populated and the image of the quaint little rural town that it once was is in a state of flux. As it stands the infrastructure of Ponyville would have a very hard time of sustaining all the ponies that currently live there.

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Pinstripe is almost there!! The finish line is in sight! I just want to ask, since she lives in Fillydelphia (Which is a great town!) and Miss Canvas' Art Studio is in Ponyville, does she commute to work? Because that is an awful long way to go for a job, especially when she could open up a similar one right in her home town! I'm not saying that she can't commute but rather asking, why would she. She seems to be a very capable painter, maybe she could open up a school of her own and visit her mentor in Ponyville occasionally? Just some Ideas to go on there!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hey there! I like the progress that I have seen, and there are only a few minor changes that might help out. First you spelled trombone incorrectly, nothing major at all I know I spell horridly. Also after the salutation of Miss there does not need to be a period, there only needs to be a period if you use Ms. Blank, such as that. One last thing, Ponyville now-a-days has been getting rather congested you might want to move Pinstripe here to another city on the map! There are bunches of fun cities all throughout Equestria that would fit her rather nicely! This does not mean that she can not visit Ponyville, or anywhere else on the map, it just means that she lives in the other city! Just some tips for you to think about!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hey there, just thought that I would throw my two bits in to help you out! First thing you want to change is the age, since we don't know how ponies age we use the Eauestrian terms instead. Such as Foal, Colt or Filly, Stallion or Mare, or Elderly Stallion or Mare, I would say that she is a Young Mare as it stands. I would also suggest outlining where she grew up with one of the wonderful places on our map! It gives the character a little more depth, and I am sure that you can find somewhere that suits your idea of her home town. On to Ponyville, unfortunately it is getting a little bit crowded, keep in mind that if your pony lives in another town, such as Manehatten or Fillydelphia, she can still visit Ponyville and make appearances there, she just lives in another area. I like her mane, but you describe it well enough without having to resort to using Pinkamina's mane as an analog.

Next up, I would give her a little bit more of a back story, you do have her personality and a bit of her back story, but it is just missing a little detail. How did her parents react to her decision to move out and start her career? For that matter why did she move out? Giving that more detail would be great and add to her basic framework immensely! Other than that it is a pretty good app that just needs some more filling out! I hope to see it come to fruition soon!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Rivet was very pleased with herself, she was getting her name out there to big industrialists and hopefully one day soon would have some business from repairing airships! Ever since she was a filly she had always wanted to make a business out of fixing airships, or for that matter, anything that ran on steam power and this might get her hoof in the door. A big goofy grin slowly appeared upon her face as she though of airships docked at the observation deck of the Light-House tower. 'All those re-enforcements and structural tweaks won't go to waste it seems! Oh I can't wait to have the first airship dock and then fix it! OH, I'll need more room! Maybe another outbuilding? After all these sailors are going to want to take a nap, so an outbuilding with some hammocks would be perfect for them to snooze in. I guess I'll have to talk to that odd zebra again, what was his name? Monty! That's it, I know he can get lumber and nails and the like, but maybe he can get some helping hooves to put up the outbuilding. Even though I could do it myself, it would take so much less time if others helped with the process.' As Rivet pondered these things she couldn't help but beam, her dream was coming true!

Rivet's ear's pricked up as Snowfall spoke about visiting her and Lola asked about the interruptions. 'Oh no interruptions, having an airship stop by isn't an interruption it is a pleasure!!' Her mind was going a mile a minute as the keys on the type-writer animated and a the tape quickly spat out of the machine.

"Please visit, not many do, lonely at times. Airships can dock at observation deck, above light-house tower. Re-enforced and structurally sound. No interruption at all, pleased to help out, gives me something to do! Working on ships is so much fun, love every minute of it!" As piece of paper floated between the two captains of industry Rivet put on her best smile, her lively green eyes jumping between her two new friends. 'This is so perfect! My parents were right, taking this trip was the best idea EVER! See what happens when you leave the house? You make new friends and drum up some business! You should get out more, it won't kill'ya to take a day off here and there. Maybe visit some towns, meet new and interesting ponies, and griffons! Pick up some new ideas, get some neat parts from the griffon lands. Well Monty would have to ship those in for me.' Rivet was just so happy with the turn of events, this was not at all what she had planned the evening to be.

"This is wonderful, thank you both so much!" Rivet couldn't help but type out to the pair. Hopefully the rest of the night would be as wonderful as the past few hours had been!

Hey there, I would like to toss my two bits in to help you out on this. I've seen much work on this app but I have some points you might want to take a look at. The major problem I see is his cutie-mark. I don't see a story behind it. At the moment he has a cutie-mark but when did he get it? Was it before he left Cloudsdale, which is the best option but raises other questions, or was it after? Ponies usually get their cutie-mark when they are young, so him receiving it in Cloundsdale would make the most sense. Now this raises other questions. How is his cutie-mark the Shadowbolt's logo? If he got his cutie-mark when he was young, then Nightmare Moon would have had to copy his cutie-mark onto the Shadowbolt's uniforms, which really does not make a lick of sense. Since he copied the apparition Shadowbolt's costume to a 'T' the logo would have been copied as well, so the entire team would be wearing his cutie-mark as it stands. It just is very confusing. Maybe you could have him get his cutie-mark when he was young, explain it and his special talent, then the apparitions were made they either had a different logo from his mark and Nightshade here used his cutie-mark as his team's logo. Or Nightshade's cutie-mark was original and different from the apparition's logo and he decided to use the apparition's logo for his new team. Those are the two options that would make more sense.

That was the glaring issue that I see personally, next up are some smaller issues. as RCTwi said above me the customization of Wonderbolt costumes does not seem like something that would be allowed within their ranks. They are a national symbol after all, they have to be presentable! Also having him crash through a pillar is a wee bit too much injury for a single pony to withstand and not have major injuries or worse. Maybe he could crash through something a little less solid and painful? All occurrences of the team name of the Wonderbolts should be capitalized if at all possible, along with working on some of the grammar in the post to make it more readable. A good trick is to read the lines out loud and listen to yourself as you speak them, if it does not sound right to your ears, then it most likely needs some tweaking.

Onto his personality! This part worries me a bit to be honest. You describe his personality rather well in the section that you designated for it, however, as the application progresses into the character's background story his personality does not match. Specifically the point where he injures other ponies and does not care, that is very troubling. Actively hurting someone and not caring is a very strong marker of psychological problems that would manifest down the road. It also borders on not fitting into the theme of the "Mane" RP, anypony should care if they hurt another pony, it is just a common feeling. Nightshade having an absence of this feeling is a very dangerous thing. It means that he sees what he did as wrong and doesn't care, or does not see anything that he does as wrong. Both of these are, again, psychological markers for very bad disorders.

I am sure that if you were to work on these points, the application would be that much better!!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

Hey there! I like the idea behind this character! It is interesting to have an Earth Pony that likes the weather and wants to know more about it. You seem to have the basic outline of a good app here, it just needs some extra info and a little filling out. Her cutie-mark story is a little slim, maybe you could expound upon that a wee bit. Did she do anything else to get her cutie-mark? Maybe she had to do a project for school and while researching, writing, and presenting she realized her love of meteorology? That way her story would have a little more depth! You also might want to expound upon her home life a little. Were her parents disappointed that she had her, "Head in the clouds", as it were, or were they supportive of her decision? Another point is that Ponyville is getting a wee bit crowded, you might think of moving her to one of the other wonderful cities that dapple the face of Equestria. This does not mean that she can not visit Ponyville, or anywhere else on the map for that matter, just that her apartment and job would be in one of the other cities. Also giving a little more depth to the reason behind her liking the weather would go a very long way! Earth Ponies are usually more in tune with the ground beneath their hooves rather than the sky above them. Was there a defining moment when she realized that a whole different world existed up there? Maybe a storm during which something happened to bring her to the realization that studying these things would help the entirety of Equestria? Also adding a little bit to her personality would help too. Is she a driven and focused pony, or is she more free and open? Just some Ideas here.

All in all I like the character and the Ideas behind her, adding some of the suggestions will bring this app up another few notches. When you add things such as back story and motivation it gives your character something to base all their actions off of. It gives your characters depth and makes them more dynamic for you to play and for others to interact with!

~Sage AkA Freddie Freewings

The fresh air and the warm Sun were so wonderful that day, it vaguely reminded Monty of his Homeland. The wind blowing through the tall grass and the Sun heating all it saw. Occasionally a nagging sensation would tug on his sleep but thankfully he was a deep sleeper. Well for the most part he was, whenever he slept outside he would always sleep a tad lighter. Most likely a hold over from his youth sleeping on the plains of his Homeland. A loud rustle and the sound of pages blowing in the wind, accompanied by a yelp, awoke him from his slumber.

His amber eyes flashed open assessing the situation. His saddlebags were now empty. Had the books been stolen? No, there they are on the ground for some reason. Did they fall on their own? No, they were secured before he went to sleep. What is that, tiny deer? Apparently this tiny deer, who was ringing some bells in Monty's noggin for some reason, had dumped his saddlebags all over the ground and messed up the order that he had put the books in.

"Why do you look familiar, little one?" He asked the deer with a sleepy expression on his countenance. "Did you visit my shop in Hoofington once upon a time? I swear I know you from somewhere." Monty smiled as he scrutinized the little fawn. She was adorable that is was for sure, but there was something about her. A little hint of mischief, a niggling suspicion that she had more going on behind those big doe eyes than she was letting on.

"THAT'S IT! You are the tiny Perry-whats-it that came into my shop and had some candy! You know, if the candy man can take a rainbow and sprinkle it with dew, he should be able to remember the ponies, or perry-whats-its that come into his shop at very least." Monty smiled widely as his ear flopped down. "Little Miss Chotchkie if I am not mistaken." He paused for a moment to look at the books scattered around the little deer monster. "Now be honest, were you looking through my books? Because those are for ponies a wee bit older than you are, and you should always ask before looking into someone else's things, you never know what you might find after all." Monty said with a sly wink.

He dismounted the bench and stretched his long legs. He walked over to the little deer and rumpled her horn stubs and hair. "Those are coming along nicely, I think? I have really never met another perry-whats-it before. Anyways, would you like to help me pack these books back up into my bags please?" He looked around suspiciously for a moment and leaned close to Chotchkie's ear and whispered, "I am on a mission after all. I think I can trust you with this. I am looking for the author of these books, Miss Hyacinth Hills. I heard a rumor somewhere that she sometimes visits this neck of the woods, and I was hoping that I could catch her as I moseyed on home." Monty quickly went back to gently putting his books back in the bag.

"Say, have you ever heard anything about, You Know Who?" He asked motioning to the remaining pile of books.

Rivet quietly stood next to the Pegasus mare and the big pink griffon. She actually didn't mind listening to other people's conversations. After all she had been mute for her entire life, she had gotten used to sitting and listening rather than participating in the ongoing conversation. She always had herself to talk to after all.

'Hrm, there is a shipping route between Stalliongrad and Aquellia? Huh, maybe that is where NSI gets some of their raw materials. So if this griffon here knows about shipping and so does Snowfall, maybe I could convince them that on a trip to the Gallopocus the ships could stop at the docking station I am building! Oh that would be fun!! I could work on the ships, implement some of my inventions! Make the engines more efficient. Plus all the different classes of vessel have different engines! It would be like working on a completely new item every day!' Rivet pondered to herself as a silly grin slunk onto her muzzle.

Lola addressed Rivet as though the little unicorn were somepony important. She let out a silent chuckle, which must likely looked a little odd. 'What are you laughing at, this is your IN you silly filly!! Use this to talk about your work, make it sound important, get those ships to visit the station! Don't miss this chance!' She quickly stifled the chuckle.

“I own, operate Whirring Gear Light. Light-house near Hoofington. Make inventions, Steam power, can fix airships. Improve engines. Make more efficient. Good at steam. Mechengineer when I was a filly. Built light-house systems from scratch, NSI parts helped. Very good quality.” The type-writer clicked out in a hurried manner. Rivet smiled a genuine happy smile as she levitated the slip between the griffon and the pegasus so they both could read it.

'Don't push it too hard Rivet. Let them ask for the schematics and drawings. That way they think it was their idea. It always works better that way.' She thought biding her time.

Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!