InsanityDash

I actually like this character, quite a bit. Being that one of my favourite (non-pony) characters is similar to Insanity here in that he too has a spirit caught inside of him, and so does a member of my favourite band (Russell Hobbes from the Gorillaz), I enjoy the idea quite a bit, so long as it's kept from straying too far into grimdark territory (I noticed some of the voices being Rage and the like). It seems like a great character that just needs a bit of tweaking to fit with the boardcanon, but not a whole lot as to totally compromise who she is. I do have three questions though:

- If she's shy, what drove her to race? I'm thinking of like Fluttershy, who in Hurricane Fluttershy was too paralyzed with fear to properly fly. Admittedly, it is because of her being taunted in her youth, but the same concept can apply: if Insanity Dash is too shy to enter into Ponyville, or leave her house for the first few days, then how did she build up the courage to race in front of an audience? Was it a personality that took hold, or was it her own self steeling herself to fly?

- This one's just a small detail, but the Canterlot scientist. How did he come to learn that Insanity had skill with potions, if she lived in Ponyville and had only entered the public eye during the race?

- Why did her parents go to the Everfree in the first place? I may have missed that, but I'm just curious. Were they explorers? Archaeologists, scientists, historians? Or possibly refugees? The latter, refugees, is the vibe I'm getting at the moment, due to them being from a griffon land, taking the child with them without leaving it with a caretaker in a safe place, and forgetting about her for an entire day without doubling back or making an attempt to find her.

Don't get discouraged. I know the questions and critiques can seem harsh, but we're not being mean. I'd genuinely like to see Insanity Dash flying about the RP, and with a little bit of tweaking she could be there easy.

...alright, first off, thanks for adding the 'don't get discouraged' part at the end. It's nice. I don't get discouraged at anything. Especially not on the internet. Second, I'm glad you liked my character, I created her partially on a character named Karl from the flash animation series, 'Law of Talos' If you're familiar with it...

Shyness->Racing:

...Insanity was so shy that it was difficult for her to even consider showing herself in public at first. However, she overcame this initial shyness with help from her friends, and learned how to tune out the crowd, to ignore them. It's a useful life skill for overcoming stage-fright, and she had very intelligent friends. Also, she prefers to never allow her personalities to take control of her mind, just so she doesn't do anything stupid, or hurt a friend, so she relied on her own will-power from her own, main, personality...

Canterlot Scientist:

...don't worry my brony/pegasister friend, small details are often the most important. The scientist saw her drinking an odd drink in Canterlot park while she was with her friend. The friend got her to talk with the scientist, and the scientist understood that she was fond of at least some kind of chemistry the instant he heard potion. I don't wish to reveal to much history about her though, because a character is usually far more interesting when it is left mostly under a shroud of mystery...

Everfree Exposition:

...I did not actually come up with too much about her parents, to be honest... x3 ...I originally planned on her parents just dying one or two weeks after her birth, and her raising herself, so I didn't write anything about them. However, the point of the exposition was to find out why the forest was so dangerous to other ponies and creatures, and if there was some sort of mystery that could be found. Her parents lived in the Griffon town because they were friends with a few of them from flight-school, in the same way that Rainbow Dash was with (whatever her name was xP), however, her parents were such good friends with these griffons that they decided to live with them in their town. It's more of a comedic decision with no real logical basis behind it than anything else at the moment, but I'll most likely add it to the parent section after I come up with something better... =D

...thank you very much for the critique, I seem to be getting a lot of attention. In fact, I'm getting more than I can handle! I need some friggin sleep!... xD

Actually, it's not. Insomnia is a word (and yes, I am familiar with it), but Insomnialeptic definitely is not.

You said here that the Zebra taught her Equestrian as well, implying that Insanity Dash did not already know it.

Think about what you're saying. Is your pony a Phoenix?

A Phoenix is a magical creature, and like you say, almost constantly on fire. But they are Phoenixes. Not ponies. Does your pony have claws? No. Should your pony have claws just because dogs have claws? Just because another creature has a feature, doesn't meant that you pony can, should, or does.

If that's what you meant, how come that isn't what you wrote?

I have to pretend to be a new user coming across your app. If I thought of it, chances are someone else will to. You can never have too much detail. But, remember that detail does not always equal content.

Phoenixes again:

...Phoenixes are magic, yeah. If you're saying that ponies can't, under any circumstance, simply not burn when caught on fire, I would have to disagree. Twilight Sparkle caught on fire and lived. Rainbow Dash's wings caught on fire briefly in Dragon Quest. I'm simply stating that she could easily have found a way to make her wings immune to the effects of decomposition in fire...

Equestrian:

...Of course she didn't know Equestrian. She was just born a few months ago by that point in time, you silly filly!... x3

Insomnialeptic:

...when you go to med-school and you actually learn how to define the act of holding a certain disease, you discover that words like these are made every day for the sole purpose of defining what was not previously defined. This word was defined in a textbook I used a year previous, along with many others that I could list for you with definitions if you desire to carry out this pointless conversation further... xD

Bad Assumption:

...I wasn't insulting you, or intending you discredit your or any other user's opinion merely by saying this. I meant to say that if you think about the entire point of the show my little pony friendship is magic, you come to the realization that all ponies in Equestria have friends. Even Twilight had friends in Canterlot back when she was learning, the two ponies she met in s1 e1 confirmed this. I may not be fully arguing this point, but I'm tired as hay right now, so sorry... x.x

Alright, time for me to take another crack at this, it seems.

Hmm... befriending animals is more of an Earth pony trait. I'm sure she could stumble her way to Ponyville without help. Not only that, but communication with animals is in no way related to your character's special talent, or even hobbies. This just seems a bit thrown in there.

For our canon, all ponies speak the same language. Alright, so Zebra's speak something different, but even Zecora knows English (Equestrian). But, to keep things simple for our canon, all PONIES speak the same language, always.

I'm going to say no go on this, for a few reasons.

1. You don't explain it. You just say that “somehow” the wings didn't burn.

2. This isn't a logical occurrence, and that fact is backed up by the fact that you don't/can't explain it.

3. Wings/feathers burn. You light them on fire, they are going to burn off if not extinguished. And if you happen to be flying, that means you're either going to fall to your death or get really hurt if you can manage to make it to the ground still in one piece.

4. This is not a special talent. Does it happen often? Does she do it all the time? No. This is the only time I see these flame wings pop up in the Application. Other than that, it seems rather irrelevant.

You have two different birthplaces here...

Couple of things here. What did her parents do? What was their job? Did they not have any friends? Why did they live in Beakbreak City in the first place? How did they get there, that's Griffon territory.

Also, I'm not really fond of her parents forgetting her. I mean, that's plain neglectful.

For our board canon, we don't allow prior relationships with any Cast characters. I mentioned this before. Also, a pony wouldn't need to go to Celestia to find a place to live. They'd just need to find somepony to take them in for the time being, or perhaps take on an apprenticeship of sorts (like Pinkie Pie and the Cakes).

Hmm, keypad eh? That sounds a bit technologically advanced for Equestria. Also, since the entire house bit doesn't have do with your character, I'd stick it under a Spoiler tag. Also, there aren't TVs in Equestria, so she would not have a “T.V. room”.

I am going to say NO on this entire thing. It's far more complicated than an Equestria character should be. Not only that, but for our board canon, there are no such things as ghost, restless souls, spirits, etc.

For bits of this app, you seem to switch between first and third person. That is, at points you use “I” and then other times you use “she”. It would be great if you could clean this up, as that would make it easier to read not only for staff, but other users as well. Applications seem to read better in third person.

Befriending Animals:

...failiure on my part, sorry... =P ...actually pulled this off a different character, I was tired...

Insomnia:

...Insomnialeptic is a form of the word Insomnia, which is a sickness or disease caused by a lack of melatonin(or a couple more complicated vitamins) in the body of an animal, causing it to be incapable to sleep, to a certain degree. Cases if Insomnia can range from mild, meaning you just don't wake up fully rested, all the way to being completely unable to sleep at all, and needing to eat more often to make up for the essential minerals and calories used while staying awake for 7-10 hours extra each day. Hope that was enough of a definition for yah... ;D

Zebra-i-an or something:

...You already told me this. I know that there is only one language. I was merely pointing to the fact that Zacoura is incapable of speaking normally. Other websites say that her style of speaking is a different language that only Zebras use fluently. It's definitely the same vocabulary, spoken words, and written symbols and patterns, however, it is not the same as normal pony-speak, which is why I used this classification of the style this Zebra uses...

Cutie-mark story:

1: ...alrighty, I guess I just like trying to explain things for understanding... 0.o

2: ...I could back it up if I try hard enough, but I haven't written it down yet...

3: ...think about what your saying for a minute. What are Phoenixes made of? Steel? Haw. They're almost constantly on fire(for a Phoenix). Not saying that all Pegasii should light their wings on fire, but Insanity was originally made/colored to be similar to a phoenix, if you haven't seen the attempted connection yet. So, she could possibly be an exception to having her wings burnt to nothing, as you said they would...

4: ...I'll change it in the application, but every time she reaches a really high speed her wings catch on fire. It's her cutie-mark because she absolutely loves to fly at incredible speed and to race...

Birth-place:

...well, in Origin, by born, I meant to say raised, I'll change it...

Parental failure:

...First off, I had no Idea Beakbreak city was griffon territory, I just thought the location was nice on the map. Secondly, by dropped, I meant she fell out of a carrying sack of some sort while her parents were travelling with the rest of the exposition. Assuming they didn't have any friends just because I didn't point out any is just a plain bad assumption. The exposition could have been anywhere from 5 to 50 ponies, and Insanity's parents could have just been at the back of the group. Her parents were supposedly going on the exposition to learn more about the Everfree forest because they assumed there was something dangerous about it, and they wanted to find out if it was just animals, or a magic of some sort. I'll change her birth-town if it seems more appropriate, but just choosing a town from the map the staff made for us is difficult to follow, or at least, I haven't found any information on this site about any of the towns...

Princess Celestia:

...I was under the assumption that the Princess knew and met with everypony at least once, as was said on the hub's spotlight on her. I'll change it anyways though, just seems odd in my point of view...

My house:

...key-pads don't seem at all too advanced for Equestria. There is a magic key-lock in Celestia's element chamber. But that's magic. I guess she could have some sort of stone-button combination lock attached to various wooden pegs behind them, a certain few needing to be pressed in order to open the door-handle or soemthing. I'm pretty sure you're right about the T.V.s, ponyville being in some sort of medieval setting, so I'll cut that out. Also, how do you make a spoiler?... x.x

Voices:

...far to complicated? My character is too complicated for any site. I'm dulling her down dramatically just adding that little bit. I'll cut out the the extra ones, but she has schizophrenia, and at least the names of her personalities are important for RP sake. If you want me to take it off the app, that's fine, but the voices are a part of her personality and life...

Grammatical Failure:

...I understand completely. If you remember back, I actually finished my first version of this character completely in third-person. I was just majorly tired from rushing to get this done since you seemed impatient to critique it again... ;D ...I'll edit it up again, but if you critique it again, could you please tell me the criteria I don't need to change in a short list? I'd appreciate it if you could... =3

Wow ! this is a lot diffrent ! You've made a lot of good changes to this ! - not that she wasn't good before but now she's more pony-cannon. Anyway just a couple of suggestion -

a) her parents forgetting about her is unlikely so maybe something happened to get them separated ? Possibly they were both earth ponies and she was a pegasus ( like in the Cake family ) and when they were exploring she flew off for the first time andit could have looked like she died ? maybe it looked like she got cauht up in a waterfall and they tried to look for her but to no sucess ? She obviously survived though and was raised by the zebra ?

Insanity would still not know anything about her parents so they could have just dumped her there for all she knows, but it would make her parents a bit more real too.

I really like ther though and think the fact that she's a zebra raised pegasus is very interesting ! I think that could have also added to the times when she got frustrated and needed to fly off. Obviously when shefirst started learning she'd have a hard time and she'd have to work hard to get better.

One more slight nitpick which is more of a tecnicallity then flaw in the characte, is you can't have her know Princess C. There are no previous relationships with canon chars allowed, i know it sucks but thets the rules. Maybe have Valkyrie push her into it ? he seems to have the ablility to push her to do things she'd otherwise struggle with.

The other three voices in her head almost sound like possesion, which would be very interesing, if she could be like a spirit medium !

a) ...I wasn't thinking about anything like that. She would have been secured to a back-pack, and her parents wouldn't be stupid enough to let her fly off or drown in a waterfall... =P ...I was thinking more along the lines of her falling from a carrying pack or something while her parents were trotting around, Insanity being asleep and silent. That way, her parents wouldn't know they dropped her, and she could be easily found by a passing Zebra... :3

b) ...Princess Celestia knows EVERYPONY in Equestria. No exceptions. They even said that on the hub. It seems like it would be possible for my character to have met her once or twice if the princess knows everypony...

c) ...About Valkyrie and the voices, Valkyrie was a griffon soul, as you know, but he was corrupted. He really only wanted to use her so he could fly and fight things again, not to help her out. Insanity is more than a medium between her voices, she controls and uses them to help herself be more powerful, and to resist the temptations from them more easily. She also sealed them all into silence and inaction in her mind by beating them up or something in her mind, so they can't really talk to her unless she pulls them into her active consciousness, if that makes sense...

I'm not sure why a Pegasus would be interested in Potions, that seems sort of a Zebra/Unicorn thing...

...because when you're raised by a Zebra you gain interest in the things that he/she has interest in... =\ ...if you think about it, it's kind of like being raised by a foot-ball player in the major-leagues, or something. It's something she looked up to as a filly, so she got interested in it...

Also, while you might not be able to have Fangvanelle, maybe make her move to, say Cloudsdale, at a certain age and she has an accent but no one really knows where she came from ? From Insainity's point she may be bound not to talk about it by the dragons ? I'd imagine Isainity would be an acception to the rule to dragons and ponies aren't usually friends, so maybe she had to swear not to talk to other ponies about it so they wouldn'thave sworms of ponies flocking there, or something ? feel free to ignore howevermuch of this you want, even all of it, but maybe if you did split insainity across a few ponies it would give you more time to explore each talent, herbs, racing, achemy based magic, fire based magic, dragon friendship, and making them well developed ?

...thanks a lot for all your advice! You obviously really wanna help me... x3 ...I have a whole bunch of Ideas for my characters already though, and I only really wanna focus on Insanity because she's the most like me. So I already have about five similar back-stories and BIOs for her, one of which I already modified my character to... =D

I'd honestly suggest having less of a focus on numbers for this application. They don't really add much to the character and seem to make the application itself more focused on measurements and numerations than the actual characteristics involved.

...why thank you for the constructive criticism... =\

I'm pretty sure you could keep everything about Insanity Dash if you just tweaked the RP type to Equestria Crossovers. :3 I like your OC, it'd be a shame if you lost her.

...thanks for telling me, but I'd prefer to have my pony normal on this site... x3 ...it's not much of a big deal to be different from my original character scheme, as long as I get potions and shyness my character is pretty much the same... =3 ...I might have a demon version of this character in Equestria Crossover sometime though... ;D

If a comment is not made saying you would like to keep this character, it will be removed in 5 days.

...I would like to keep my character and not lose it... ;3 ...sorry for not being online for awhile, got delayed IRL...

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About Myself: Removed by User

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My favourite main cast pony/s: AppleJack,Fluttershy,Miss Rarity,Rainbow Dash,Twilight Sparkle,Pinkamina Diane Pie
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