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Whitefeather

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Posts posted by Whitefeather

  1. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] slowly walked inside the room, feeling like her insides were trying to turn to her outsides as her mothers glare attempted to bore a hole in her heart.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]Mother...[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] walked up to her mother and bowed to her, looking up into her mothers eyes that carried disdain and unadmirable hate and she winced as her mother gave her a hard slap across the face and she shrunk back, backing up and slowly pushing Autumn out the door, then walking in complete silence back to her room.~[/colour]

  2. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather [/colour][colour=#FFA07A]could feel her brothers anger and embarassment as he stomped up the stairs and she winced as he told one of guards to use magic to unlock her door, then she nuzzled Autumn before she stood up and rubbed her hair down with her hoof, simply cuddling Autumn when her brother stormed off in disappointment that she'd chosen some colt over royalty.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]A-Autumn, it seems he's too confused to say anything so you have nothing to worry about... B-But, h-he's going to tell my mother... S-So, let's go...[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] gulped as she slowly trotted down the hall of the kingdom, opening the door to her mothers room and shrunk back immediatly at her mothers glare.~[/colour]

  3. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] had a permanant dark red blush glued to her face, gulping and letting him rest inside her wing as he cuddled up to her warm body.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]I-I'm sorry, though...[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] rested her head by his, but she was still tense as she cuddled closer to him.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]A-Autumn, I'm sorry I drug you into all of this....[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]"[/colour]

  4. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather's[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] eyes were glowing slightly, she was in pure rage and she didn't know how to calm herself, so she just went up to Autumn and kissed him blushing heavily and calming down as she deepened the kiss her eyes soon turning back to normal and her rage completely gone as she took her lips off of his and looked away from him, her blush seeming to be burning her face red now.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]....I...[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] gulped, feeling like she just swallowed her heart as she just looked away from him at the floor in shame.~[/colour]

  5. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] flinched as her brother yelled at her, and she got angry at him as she said it was selfish of her to abandon her kingdom, suddenly using a royal, stern voice.~ [/colour][colour=#000000]"SILENCE!"[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] grabbed Autumns hoof, storming off into the castle and quickly going to her room she slammed the door locking it and pacing back and forth.~[/colour]

  6. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] took off the crown that held her hair in place, putting it around her neck since it was originally a necklace and letting her hair sprawl out over the floor and guards bowed and had a look of relief and worry on their faces, and she winced as she heard her brothers voice boom from the castle walls angry that she had left but she continued to walk through the castle doors but flinching as she saw her brother frowning in a twisted rage at her and looking at her disheveled appearance.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]Don't say a word, Autumn...[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]"[/colour]

  7. [colour=#FFA07A]"[/colour][colour=#D3D3D3]N-No, no... H-He's just over protective that's all...[/colour][colour=#FFA07A]" [/colour][colour=#D3D3D3]//WhiteFeather [/colour][colour=#FFA07A]bumped into something as she looked up, then she uttered some words as AutumnMoon could now see the extremely huge kingdom and it's gates and she pushed them open, keeping AutumnMoon extremely close to her.~[/colour]

  8. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] trotted toward the forest, still listening to him as she sneezed lightly.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]N-No, uhm... Once I grant you permission you will be able to see anything and go in... I-It's just that my brother will literally try to kill you...[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] lead him deep into the forest where most branches were twisted in a scary way and it was extremely dark.~[/colour]

  9. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] blushed as he nuzzled her, then she nodded slowly stretching her wings and leading him out of the inn and tucking her wings to her sides.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]I-It's not that much further it's just that.... It has a spell on it that protects me from going out, a-and.... From strangers getting in unless granted permission....I-It's also invisible to you....[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour]

  10. Hi there. :)

    I've read the app and I'm afraid I see a few issues with it that I'd like to bring to your attention.

    To start with, we like for all applications to be left aligned rather than centered. it's just easier to read that way .

    Looking at the actually content, there seem to be some areas of real disconnect in her story. The story with the parents seems confused to me. You say they made her feel unwanted, but then you say a few sentences later that her father gave her everything she wanted and was nice to her and you don't seem to indicate her mother being bad to her either. The start of the character summary also implies her parents were supportive of her talents and got her whatever she requested. Then there's the fact that you seem to indicate that the parents got separated and then evidently both died (presumably in separate incidents?). All together it becomes rather jarring and confusing. You should keep in mind that you will never be forced to apply for a character's parents or even mention them in an RP if you don't want to; since "she's okay now" and the loss of her parents really doesn't strike me as very necessary to the app, you might consider lightening up on these elements. Either way, I'd like to see the story here be made more clear and cohesive.

    Similarly, there are a few other spots where the story breaks down for me. Who are these animals that it keeps mentioning? You say she likes animals and nature, but you don't really tell us anything about the animals in question here. Who are they? Where did they come from? How did she meet them? Also, what exactly is the thing that caused her cutie mark? Drawing? Calming the animals? Baking? The moment a pony gets their cutie mark should be a more singular event, not a series of little things covering all of her interests and hobbies.

    Finally, it's a smaller thing, but many times throughout the app you use the word "people". People do not exist in Equestria. This should be changed to ponies everywhere it appears.

    Hope to see this app approved soon. Good luck! :)

    [colour=#FFA07A]I-I [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]tried[/colour][colour=#FFA07A] to fix it.[/colour] :sleep:

  11. Thank you for making changes on the app, especially changing the font so it is easier to read.

    This app is much improved! You've done a great job changing her name, origin, even her occupation! Well done!

    There are still a few minor things that needed 'ironed out' to make this app ready for Senior RP Helper approval.

    First of all, her stripes. Are those stripes something she painted on her fur herself or are they natural? We do not allow any creatures other than zebras to have natural stripes. I know this firsthand last year when I wrote an app for a 'striped' pony of my own (passed when I said they were a 'fashion statement'). Secondly, since we have no idea what type of calendar they use in Equestria, using dates like "June 4th" would not be permitted. Third, I think some would take issue with a pony's father being named "DeathWing", that just doesn't seem to fit into the FiM universe.

    Also, you need to change the Title line of this app to reflect your char's new name. You can do that when you click the Edit button and then the FULL EDITOR button to all you to edit the Title line.

    LOVE the changes you made, you're on the right track!

    :D:D:D

    :blush:

  12. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] suddenly hugged him tightly, blushing as she told him all about herself.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]I-I was born in that kingdom, I-I love it so much but... B-But I had to leave it was becoming too much to bare... I-I'm so sorry I landed on you... I-I've always been taught to be v-very proper and my father and mother wanted to split up but they couldn't or... Or they'd tear the kingdom.. A-apart, so... U-Uhm, I was born to marry and take over... But... W-What if I wanna get married to some other colt? T-Then what....? I-I have a big brother but he's way too protective and... I-If he hears word that I am missing h-he'll come looking for me and I d-don't want that but it c-c-can't be helped.... I-I was always strictly watched s-so I never really got to go out....[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] was talking to him about things no one else knew but she didn't know why.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]D-Do you want me to stop saying all this n-nonsense? I-I'm sorry...[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] then wiped her eyes, still hugging him tightlty.~[/colour]

  13. Oh WhiteFeather! I've never seen anypony so shy and yet friendly before. I think fun and friendship is to ensue with you, my brother and I. I could always use more friends, for mine are not plentiful as you see! You have drawing skills, yes? Skyshot told me. Can't wait to speak with you more! [added as friend]

    [colour=#FFA07A] [/colour][colour=#ffa07a]U-Uhm, [/colour][colour=#a9a9a9]thank you[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]...

    :blush:. I-I'd certainly love to be friends with anypony, u-uhm, just as long as their not mean.... :sniff: A-And, er, yes, I am an artist.... I would l-love to speak with you more, t-too. [/colour][colour=#FFA07A] [/colour][colour=#FFA07A] ;)[/colour]

  14. [colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] blushed. "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]W-Well...[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] shifted into a more comfortable position, then she sighed lightly.~ "[/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]I-I come from a kingdom that's very large, I know that, b-but it's know because my mother would like to keep it private u-until I become queen which was supposed to be... T-Today...[/colour][colour=#ffa07a]" [/colour][colour=#d3d3d3]//WhiteFeather[/colour][colour=#ffa07a] stopped, pausing and tearing up.~[/colour]

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