[Note: References to myself being victim of a crime in this post are purely exaggerations of an event in a well-umpired war-simulation game. No authorities (except maybe a ref) are to be contacted!)

I now know the feel of a tall, rotund, masked man holding a pistol up to my face and yelling at me to beg for mercy. As I backed off with my hands up, I walk straight into another masked man, also holding a pistol and asking for the same. Like a flash, I snapped down to my own and began to lift it. Alas, they were quicker than I, and they fired...

And I got this warm, colourful, sticky, and quite salty stuff all over my face.

...

Here's the real story...

Yeah, I was paintballing today, and I was sniping in a corner. As it had turned out, the enemy had already eliminated my entire team, and was now whispering "there's a guy in the corner on the top floor; I couldn't get him through his window, but he's right up these stairs." Worried, I started walking down a different flight of stairs, to which the enemy had luckily not yet advanced. I was walking down the stairs, when I got clipped by a sniper on the enemy team. Now, in this particular arena, you could walk back to your starting area and play another time as if you had never been shot, but as I was walking there, I decided I wouldn't be outstepping the rules to tour my starting zone for a safe place to hit people in the back. However, as I did so, the large man popped around the corner, but saw my hands up. So, he said: "This is your base, so you're back in! Touch the wall and respawn or I shoot!" When I said nothing, he went for a more direct approach, sticking directly to the rules of paintball, and screamed "MERCY!". If the victim shouts that back at you, they're out without getting shot, but I figured I was still a "ghost", and so I didn't touch the wall, and instead backed off. However, as I turned around, I saw another man with a pistol on the other side, also screaming for my surrender. I was in a corridor, so I had no-where to go, and so thought I'd at least go out blazing (I hadn't discharged my marker in the hour previous). But, as I attempted to discreetly hit the safety and lift it, their already-prepared stances allowed them to smother me in paint, all over my mask. After I had left the arena and wiped off my mask, I remembered I had my wallet and phone in my pocket, so it kinda figures... I got quasi-mugged!

Just remember:

"Sir, we're surrounded."

"Excellent, we can shoot in any direction!"