Fawkes

... ... ...goodness. That's a more voraciously scandalous secret then even I could have ever imagined! :'I ALMOST AN ENTIRE YEAR, YOU SAY? Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, little one. No one else will ever know~ And a queen to boot, eh? Oh yes, we do ever so love our royalty in our little wood. You'll do quite nicely here, me thinks. Welcome home, my dear Queen Cerali~ *drops the shrunken queen in a tea cup* *places said tea cup upon a tea saucer* *violently FLINGS said tea cup and tea saucer whizzing out into the tea forest*

Where will fire be when your stomach starts to growl louder than the lion's roar? Where will fire be when your parents start violently hammering on your door demanding you feed them or else face the gallows? Where will fire be when the forces of Peanut Butter finally come pouring over the towering walls in great gooey waves in the final remorseless onslaught? Fire can't solve any of these common, daily problems :I And you... You. YOU! *QUICKLY GRABS HOLD OF* *HOLDS INTENSELY* *gives your face a looooong, intensely searching lick from the tip of your muzzle, along the bridge of your nose, to the top of your forehead!* You taste new... :I *VIOLENTLY SNIFFS AT YOUR MANE, NOT UNLIKE A VACUUM SNIFFING AT A RED RUG* You smell new! >:I *presses his ear to your ear, his hearer dancing the vicious dance of sound with your listeninghole* YOU SOUND NEW! D:< QUICKLY NOW. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, CHILD. Tell me... Your deepest... ...DARKEST... ...secret~ :'I

Together our combined Likes will be enough to crush ALL of these pathetic pony clods! Or... Or enough to get us into 4th place at least, which is fine enough I guess... :'I

Can confirm. News of this has not been greatly exaggerated. Reports are coming in and they say: Long and tasty this friendship will undoubtedly prove unlike with Davroth who only tastes like fire.

... ... ... OR A CLEVER RUSE! >:I HOW DARE YOU RUSE ME! NO ONE RUSES FAWKESEQUUS D:< *picks back up* *breaths angrily in your ear some more because he can!* HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH D:< WELCOME HOME, >:I *sets him down high up in a tree branch* *sulks noisily* >:I

*GRABS QUITE SUDDENLY* *breathes against your ear* *breathes reeeeeeeeeeeal breathily* Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hello there dear, one. Welcome ho-... ... ... ...OH GOSH WAIT IT'S TALES :'I *DROPS JUST AS SUDDENLY* *twiddly twiddle tums his twiddlers* Uhhhh... Weeeeeeelcome back, dear Princess~ :'3

Forgetting is the first step on the road to remembering. Remembering is the first step on the road to doing. Doing is the first step on the road to having done. Having done is the first step on the road to life long, soul-crippling regret. Life long, soul-crippling regret is the first step on the road to forgetting. SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, ARIA! :3 *smears chunky peanut butter atop your head* *smears smooth peanut butter against your chest* *smears nutella across both your flanks* He has come. The Avatar of our Final Cravings. Angel of the Nut. Here to fight the final battle against the wicked forces of Jelly, Jam, and Vegemite and to torment dogs everywhere! All weep and rejoice! :I I... I just have really broad shoulders, okay? A-And I can take off my hat whenever I want! *tries to take his hat off* *it won't budge* *awkwardly tries to make it look like he was just scratching an itch instead* I.. I-I just don't want to.. ... ... ...AT LEAST I HAVE A HAT! D:<

Or have I merely guaranteed it's ultimate destruction? Some sins... some sins even I cannot get away with committing without retribution... *thoughtfully strokes his throne's armrest* *thinks real extra thoughtful thoughts* :'I

... ... ... How DARE you >:[ Only a monstrous beast such as yourself would ask such a monstrously beastly request! THE NERVE. THE VERVE. THE... swerve? *harrumph* >:[ FINE! I will grant your request IN PART, in the hope that such a vile black bile will serve only to twist and darken and emulsify your writhing tar-like soul all the quicker! You may drink... TEA! ...with coffee added to it. NO MORE THAN ONE PART TEA PER 100 PARTS COFFEE THOUGH! And pray that I do not make every roast drip forth tasting of Earl Grey! >:[ Huh. You're way handsomer than I thought you'd be, Penby~ Goodness... I bet ya just can't keep the succubi off of ya~<3 But hollon... actually... something doesn't quite check out here... ... ... ... ...THIS ISN'T A SELFIE! THIS IS A REGULAR OLD PHOTO! CHEATER! BIG OL' CHEATER! D:< Lemme show ya how a selfie ACTUALLY works, dear lip-mate! >:I Taken just this morning; I was even able to get my hair to stay just the way I like it~<3

Wow. Wow. Wow. I'll have you know that my Great-Great Grandfather is a proud member of the ghost community and he didn't sit through Spook-ins and suffer through demon maulings and march through the capital streets of 2SPOOKED U.B. just so people could go misappropriating his proud ghost culture for their own cheap spooks! DISLIKE. UNSUBSCRIBED. UNCOMMENTED. UNSHARED! >:I You know what they say! The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again while babbling incoherently in order to try to drown out the sound of the screams and managing to look as cool and fashionable as possible so that everyone around you doesn't realize that you're actually the murderer. So why not just sit back, de-lax, and let the inevitable murders commence? :3 The pain is good. How else would we know when the tea is done boiling? Therefore by the law of conservation of mass, the further back we remember, the faster the tea boils! SO GET TO REMEMBERING, PENBY! >:I

*kicks his feet up over the armrest of his throne* *nonchalantly examines his nails in the moonlight cuz he's just too cool* And wouldja lookit that! Still 69 pages to go and I've already gone and earned myself another shiiiiiiiny new title. That's MISTER Undeserving Fawkesequus, Stealer of Post Numbers, if you would be so kind, Angie~ *blows on his nails as he examines them cuz that's what you do when you're WAY too cool* Tooooooo easy~ >:3

*a symphony of branches snapping, cracking, and snacking fills the air* *it grows louder* *LOUDER STILL* *WOW IT REALLY IS PRETTY LOUD YO* *IT SEEMS TO CARRY ON FOR REALLY MUCH LONGER THAN IT SHOULD TOO* *finally with a great thud the Fawkesequus completes his descent from the top of the nearest WoahWayTooTallYo oak tree* *he remembers he forgot to scream on the way down and so writes a small note reminding himself to schedule a time to conduct said scream* Ahem :I *nonchalantly struts on over to his big, beautiful throne with all the swagger of a creature who just joyfully plummeted to the earth* FIXED THAT FOR YA NASTY. No need to thank me~ Pffh. Pffffh. And a THIRD pffffffffh even! I thought you said Mystics are supposed to be the smart ones? Just look at all that next level Valor tactical strategy and ingenuity and frontline battlefield skill! And you didn't even check to see if he didn't have any super mega rare Pokums in there!? D:< WHERE DO YOU FIND MEWTWO IN THE GAMES, NASTY? WHERE DO YOU FIND HIM? In a CAVE. A deep, dark, scary cave of secrets and horrible monsters. AND THAT VALOR VAN YOU SO QUICKLY RAN AWAY FROM? Dark? Check. Scary? Check. Horrible monster inside? CHECK. What you passed up on wasn't a Pedovan. It was the fabled Nintendo Sponsored Pokemon Go Mobile Cave of Secrets and Wonders, home of Mew + (4-2) himself. Good job, Mystic. The forbidden words have been spoken. The 2nd trumpet blares in the distance. The Beta Chain has been shattered and shall never be repaired. Somewhere a God weeps but no tears come. Welcome Home, Dreamy~ :'I Goodness, fresh blood left and right! How doubly deliciously delightful. Welcome Home, puzzlebeat~ My dear, sweet sterling colored whirl! I knew you would return to us one day! It was prophesied ages ago in the Deep Tomes of Frightening Foundation! *turns his back, pulls out a cocktail napkin and quickly scribbles on it with a crayon: "siverswil will bo back maybe"* *SPINS BACK AROUND AND HOLDS IT HIGH FOR ALL TO SEE* SEE! The Deep Tomes never lie! Welcome BACK home, dear one~ Oh how the crawling, creeping, clawing bits of wordless writhing monstrosity in the shadows behind our eyes eat away at our tender grey matter, stealing what we only foolishly imagined to be ours, even while the neon dripping fairylights and jewel-eyed rockinghorses dance around our heads, singing their moronically merry songs and playing poker with our past, present, and future. BUT I THOUGHT YOU KNEW THAT, ARIA, GOSH JEEZ! >:I See. See. Everyone see? These Princesses, mang, I tell ya. Sunflower Princess? Sun Princess? S Princess? THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. They leave for a couple days and they forget all about the clawing eye abominations and the babbling thieving rockinghorse people and EVERYTHING. Best thing I ever did around here was to put an end to the ruling princess class! AND YOU'RE ALL WELCOME! >:I *HUFF* But welcome back home as well, dear Princess~ Oh I'm afraid that isn't true at all, my dearest little mewl machine. Quite the contrary. Nasty now holds the high and prestigious Royal Office of Real Bad Boy Number One! Which, as I'm sure you know... gives him access to the full power, personnel, and resources afforded to such a noble position. In other words, Nasty's nasty game(s) is far from over~ If he so desires that is. BUT HE HAD BETTER DESIRE. OR... OR ELSE I'D HAFTA DEMOTE HIM TO 'SOMEWHAT RUDE BOY NUMBER TWO!' >:I Unfortunately, such is the life of a crawling, creeping, clawing bit of wordless writhing monstrosity from the shadows behind our eyes who eats away at our tender grey matter, stealing what we only foolishly imagined to be ours :\ APPARENTLY ACCORDING TO ARIA AT LEAST. Jeez Aria, so insensitive, like wow! >:I ...didn't I have that thing burnt? Burnt and buried? Burnt, buried, and butchered a bunch by a Brooklyn born bombardier? >:I *puts a pair of tiny lense-less spectacles on the end of his snout* *checks his schedule book* Ah, okay, I see the error now. I misspelled the reminder note I left for myself :I *the note under Silverswirl's name incorrectly reads: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AH!"* *erases the misspelled part and changes it to read: " AAAAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! AH AHH! Are you proposing a jolly old race for post 55,000? Oh Angie. If you really wanted to give me 35 Maple Leaves in ADDITION to all the other wondrous things you've given me, you really should just do so outright! It's really ever so cruel to get these dear children's hopes up on attaining a post which they simply won't ever be able to win!~ :3

*nod* Indeed, Thala. Cake time >:I

... ... ... ...but... I did get you something. The greatest gift I could think of... one of the greatest gifts that a fledgling acolyte of LPW could ask for... I got you a roomy cookie jar apartment... the size of a regular cookie jar on the outside but as roomy and spacious as a royal loft on the inside! I got you three wondrous kitty cat roommates, each unique and wondrous and kind, since I thought you liked cats so much... And... and I got you the most wondrous, most delectably delicious, most mouth wateringly mewl-inducing cookie the world has ever known! And... and you smashed all of them... You... You destroyed them without a thought or a care.... I... I see now what sort of kindness and gratitude cats have for those who try to show them love. I see now... that all my hard work and thoughtfulness was wasted... Thank you, Wildtalon. Thank you for making me see. I... I suppose that's the best birthday gift a worthless wretch like me could possibly hope for...

*QUICKLY GRABS YOU AND PULLS YOU OUT FROM UNDER SAID COUCH* *kicks said couch over* *said couch promptly catches flame and proceeds to scream as couches are known to do* ... *stares* *stares at you* *STARES AT YOU WITH THE VIOLENT INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND GRIEVING CAT-LESS CAT LADIES!* Quickly... Quickly now... Before it's too late... Tell me your deepest, darkest, DANKEST, dirtiest, Davidest secret~ :I

*hears some sort of strange strangled mewling sound coming from the deepest recesses of his top hat* Huh? Hmmm... Uh huh. Yes, I agree. HEY WILDTALON, WHAT DIDJA GET ME FOR MY BIIIIIIIIIRTHDAAAAAAY?~ >:3

AHHH HUZZAH! Our most delicious Sand Witch has returned as well!~<3 Things are already improving! What a wonderful birthday this tis turning t'out to... t'be~ :'3

AHHHHHHH I'M DOING ALL THESE THINGS RIGHT NOW EVEN! :'D Except one... One of those things I am not doing. AND WILL NOT DO! >:I OMIGOSH BIRTHDAY JUMPS ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE! How did you even know, Micro? :'3 You're simply too sweet, thank you~<3

The silly, old (YET STILL TERRIBLY HANDSOME AND BOYISH LOOKING AND NOT EVEN A ONE WRINKLE) Fawkesequus couldn't help but giggle his gaily girlish giggle at the wondrously awe inspiring final act of resistance by the thoroughly spent little gremlin. He gave the little convulsing pile of defeat a couple of pokes and prods with his tail, gigging all the more as the remaining electric charge gives him a couple little shocks. He absentmindedly tickles his throne in it's most ticklish spot, invoking a tremulous tremor of laughter from the old girl~ "Naaaaaaasty. Nasty nasty nasty! Truly a show for the ages you've put on here! Really, top billing stuff, very Hollywood, a name for the history books! We haven't had a cataclysm like that since the old Princess's attempted rebellion. My mother would be ever so proud of you!" His claws suddenly dig deeply into the arm of his chair, invoking a scream like the sound of a thousand cats having their tails stepped on as his eyes flash and his teeth bare. "But mother is dead. And where is the Princess now, hm? Forever missing." Fawkes slowly, slitheringly, silently paces his way over to the crumpled heap of rebellious fluids and raging defiance, crouching down next to it. He flips his dear old top hat off of his horned head, catching it in his paws. He stares at it longingly, lovingly, lastingly for a moment, gently caressing it's top and relishing the confused babbling sounds it produced. Quite suddenly he slams the storied old top hat directly onto Nasty, the monstrously ancient hat swallowing him up whole with barely a whisper as the monstrously young dranconequus grins ever so slightly. "But you are neither of those things, are you? You're still right here where you belong. You're still home." Fawkesequus slowly lifts his old hatty off the defiant little monster, his body and visage left completely intact and unchanged... save for the newly fastened, favorably fashionable, cloak of bright blue and vicious violet draped over his back, it's shoulders adorned with gleaming statuettes of a tea cup on one side and a bundle of intestines on the other, and a glistening new squirt gun in his hand! "And as such I name thee and knight thee Count Commandant of the Faceless Forces of the Forest! Archduke of the Royal Family of the Crying Sunflower! And Real Bad Boy Number One!" He slaps the back of Nasty's head twice with his tail and spits on him, as is the traditional Mad Woodsian knighting custom! "Kindly don't go getting too loyal now. After all, what fun is a rebel who never rebels~" "You DID accomplish quite a wondrous thing here, but... goodness is that really all we have left to us? A long-winded serpent, a sea-cow queen, a nasty gremlin, a bespectacled dear, the occasional brooding shadow and flaming Germane... a cat. Hum. Me thinks we may need to fix this :'I"

The Fawkesequus pauses for a moment, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of every charred creature, every bark burned, every leaf left listless. His horns have reached a blindingly bright intensity of brightness. They seem to fill the air with a supersonic hum which only continues to build; the unicorn horn, brilliantly blue and the ram's horn, violently violet. He opens his eyes once more. Slowly he makes his way towards the harbinger of all this noise and confusion; towards the creature who dared challenge madness itself; towards the monster named Nastymann. "Goodness me oh my. Such bravery and bravado. Such boldness and brilliance." Suddenly the supersonic hum of his horns seem to tip over the edge of climax, a deep teeth shattering boom of sound filling the world as their light explodes outward into the world, finding it's way into every last crack, crevice, and cranny the mad wood has to offer. "Such foolishness. Such insanity and irresponsibility. Such irrationality and indiscretion." As the explosion of light slowly begins to fade a great thunderclap booms from overhead from a gargantuan thunderhead which seemed to have materialized in the blink of an eye. Neon blue lightning rips across the sky, zigzagging in impossible arcs before finally violently striking the great high back of the Throne of Madness. Another great boom rends the air and... a single great, gargantuan droplet, the size of a custodian cow, comes crashing to the ground. Then another. Then a dozen more. Then hundreds and hundreds more. Warm, soothing spearmint tea rains to the ground in giant drops as simultaneously the branches and boughs of every tree in the forest, dancing and screaming all the faster now, caught in utter ecstasy, begin to burst and leak and explode with great spurts of peppermint tea from every last crack and crevice of their great bodies. Great gouts of steam shoot into the sky, rushing upwards to meet and entwine with the mountain-sized thunderhead as the once raging inferno quickly sizzles into oblivion. The draconequus stares up into the sky for a moment, letting the teafall wash over him with a smile and a small wiggle. Returning his gaze to earth and to the creature before him, he can't help but smile all the more. He kneels down in front of him so that they are face to face, his vividly piercing eyes staring into Nasty's eyes like needles through... eyes. Another flash of neon lightning briefly illuminates his dagger like rows of teeth, caught in a Cheshire smile. "The flames are out. The throne is mine. And the forest breaths the breath of the mad and the murderous once more. You though, Nastymann... you. If you wanted a promotion so badly, you really should have simply told me instead of putting yourself through so much trouble! I must say though, you DO do some rather stellar work~" Before rising up once more and seating himself upon the great throne of the wood, claiming once more his titles of Master of Mania, Spirit of Top Hats and Madness, Sister of the Screaming Sepulcher, Prince of Pleasurable Pains and Painful Pleasures, and Creature of Crumpets and Cravings, he places a gift upon Nasty's head. A gift and a reminder: (Medium: Paper and Mechanical Pencil) "We. Win." "Long Live The Wood." "LONG LIVE LAST POST WINS!"

Fawkes carries on his march through the wood, smiling and waving at every tree that he passes, groping each and every mushroom that crosses his path, and catching bits of gently drifting ash upon his tongue like fresh winter snowflakes! All this time his horns have been steadily glowing brighter and brighter, building in intensity with each new face he greets. SUDDENLY! IN THE DISTANCE! COULD IT BE? YES! The draconequus breaks into a great wild sprint, jibbering and babbling incomprehensibly! He curls his body into a great wheel and rolls along all the faster, causing soot and ash to shoot up in great sheets behind him! At last his target sits before him, he springs out of his rapid roll and into a beautiful lunge...! Before landing squarely in front of Wildtalon. Without a word he reaches deeeeeep into his great growling purple top hat and pulls out a great giggling green cook jar! A jar clearly of the highest quality and make! A jar obviously of higher worth and rarity than any of the poor jugs and vases of any of the great empires and civilizations of history! A JAR STAMPED WITH THE WORDS 'HIGHEST QUALITY COOKIES IN THE WORLD: GOD COOKIES: BETTER THEN THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD I PROMISE TRUST ME YO'! Fawkes promptly grabs Wildtalon and stuffs her into the cookie jar before locking it tight. He then shoves the jar into a disgruntled looking safe and finally shoves the safe deep into the depths of his top hat before placing the hat back upon his head with a flick and a flourish. The jar has one cookie in it. It is indeed the greatest cookie the world has ever seen. It cannot be broken down or divided. ALSO IN THE JAR sit three other cats who all lay claim to the cookie as well. One is blood red and screams dirty limericks nonstop. One is neon blue and whispers Shakespearean sonnets at supersonic frequencies. One is a color which our eyes cannot perceive and which repeats everything it hears in the form of a riddle, including everything the other two cats utter. None of the cats can be made silent nor forced to not hear. The one who answers the riddle will undoubtedly receive that most glorious of cookies! Also locked inside that cookie jar: (Medium: Microsoft Paint)

The abominable master of mania continues his trek through the wood, skipping merrily now as he pulls an ashen scone from the boughs of a nearby enflamed tree, munching it down happily as he tries out a new scream he had been working on, letting it rip through the night air until his vocal cords were nearly snapping! He ceases his beautiful new scream for but a moment as he comes upon the flame wreathed lord of Germaney himself! "Davorth! Davvy Dav Davorth! Ayyyyyyy! I like the new name. It's fitting :3" The draconequus hurls a tightly curled, EXTREMELY DENSE something at the noble and honorable dignitary: (Medium: Colored Pencils and Fine Art Base)

The Fawkesequus dances and twirls like the most beautiful of ballet dancers, glitter and droplets of scarlet blood raining from his wings as he does a small twist and jump, landing in front of Microchip. "Ahhhh my dearliest Microchip. What a wondrous time I see you've been having yourself. Officer, huh? Goodness, climbing up the ranks indeed! Just be sure to tell me when it is you wish to return to your seat at court, hm?" Fawkes ruffles the small ponies mane, matting it up with fragrant blueberry jam and another tightly curled up piece of trash: (Medium: Galaxy Note 5)

As Fawkes meanders through the soot and raining ash of our brilliantly glowing world, he hums along to the sound of screams for a time, merrily taking up each and every note of their delightful cacophony and tasting each shriek on his tongue like a fine morsel. He eventually finds himself in front of that most dastardly of vile villains, Penumbra, who seems to be awash in some sort of otherworldly light, far less dreadful and horrific than his usual glow. He cant help but smile a wicked smile, a gaunt grimace which shows off each and every one of his razor sharp teeth. "My dear, sweet lipmate. My brother of broken bones and bent brains. My more murderous me. You know as well as I do that there has never been a dragon whom I couldn't defeat in a sporting game of Deathcage Sudoku. Dragons are perhaps more skilled at number games than any creature in the lands... but really, it's their over eagerness for those numbers that makes it so easy to stab them in the back! And goodness yes, I won't soon pass up the gracious honor of such accommodations. I expect the room to be done up in your usual... stylings~" The lithe draconequus gives the shadow abomination a long, wet lick from the base of his chin all the way up to the top of his head. Found within the slopping drool now covering Penby's face: (Medium: Real Life, Modern Art)

He glides up to Angie, the dearest Sea-Cow queen, master and mistress to even the deepest secrets of the fabled wood. He plants the tenderest of strawberry scented kisses upon her brow before pulling from out of his moaningly mewling top hat a great regal cloak of bright neon purple and bloody scarlet red, which he drapes across her shoulders. "The tallest mushrooms and the loudest giggles are yours, my dear, as they always have been and as they always will be." Before gliding away from her, he drops a crumpled up piece of paper in her hands: (Medium: Notebook Paper Abstract Sculpture)