Then why is it that I still have that crater?
Even since I was a defenseless infant, my own mother never had any intentions to protect me… to give me all of those things mentioned above. Whenever I began to collapse, she would much rather hit the bottle to keep herself from collapsing, without any regard for me. I was completely heartbroken when I found out that my mother only gave birth to be because the government feels sorry for homeless women who have children. She never saw me as a son, she saw me as her “ticket”.
There was one time I was sitting in church, and they had a few children explain how they knew their mother loved them. And I sat through ten minutes of hearing replies along the lines of: “She takes care of me.” “She comforts me when I’m sad.” “She goes out of her way to provide for me.”
Hearing all of this, I was completely unsure of how I should react. I couldn’t cry, since my tear duds ran dry years ago. I was just… confused.
When I hear about someone’s mother passing away, I do feel sympathy for them… but I can never in my life say that I know how it feels without lying to their face. Because I don’t know how it feels, and I fear that I will never know.
Now, I’m an adult, and I’ve moved on… for the most part. To this day, I still have that deep, painful crater in my soul that will probably never be filled. People have told me countless times to forget, but it’s easier said than done. Thing like this that happen… you can’t just forget it. I’d like to say that I’m used to it, but I can’t say that, because it bothers me every day. The fact that I never had a mother, and most likely never will.
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