starswirlthebearded

Much better! I still feel it is a bit short, but I think there is enough for final review!

Now to see what the SRPHS have to say. Please be patient for them to look over your app!

​

Razor shook his head. "[colour=#0000ff]I'm sorry, but this is where this interesting line of discourse must come to an end. I can see that we do not see eye to eye on this matter as it were, and we have greatly varying ideas of "greatness". It is a simple matter really. Yes greatness is still the same back then as it is today, but not all greatness must be noticed by all, or so I feel. However there will be no convincing you of that, this much is clear to me.[/colour]" Razor was trying to be as polite as he could be to the dense older egotistical stallion who seemed to revel in his own experiences and his supposed greatness. Words without proof mean little to the young doctor. The doctor has stacks of journals and medical related documents that show what his greatness is, and how he has impacted the world in a positive way, but he had never even heard of Grey Lexis. What's more is that Razor tries to keep his ego in check.

Miss Marie spoke to Razor with a slight smile on her face. Clearly pleased by the words of praise that had been spoken in her absence. [colour=#008080]“I’m afraid Miss Dancer never learned how to address me properly,”[/colour][colour=#282828] she merrily chuckled; [/colour][colour=#008080]“My full name is Ingrid Marie, and it’s a pleasure to meet you Dr. Gears. Depending on what type of magic you want to learn, yes I will gladly be able to tutor you in my spare time.”[/colour]

"[colour=#0000ff]Well no harm has come of it Miss Marie.[/colour]" Razor spoke with a smile. "[colour=#0000ff]At least I was able to learn your proper name.[/colour]" Razor let out a light chuckle. Even though he had had issues with Grey Lexis, he didn't let that stifle him, he's had more obstinate patients before. "[colour=#0000ff]That would be great if you could help me. I'm mostly concerned with teleportation. No matter how I try it always seems to blow up in my face. Okay, well that was only twice, but after two trips to the emergency room, I quickly learned that it wasn't within my ability to learn. At least on my own...[/colour]" Razor said as he forced a smile. Thinking about his failures in magic, though that was the only one he'd admit to, since it had medical documentation, which constantly reminds him, was not pleasant for him in the slightest.

At this point another new pony entered the warehouse. This one was a dark red colt. Razor turned and gave a nod in acknowledgement, but Abbot had the good doctor's attention at this juncture.

[colour=#ADD8E6]“Well that’s very kind of you.”[/colour]

Razor was suddenly handed a clip board with a grid with the numbers of bottles on it.

[colour=#ADD8E6]“if you'd like to help it would be much appreciated.”[/colour][colour=#ADD8E6]Before we start I’ll explain exactly what these are and what we’re experimenting on. Now these have been tested several times so there aren’t going to be any adverse reaction, in fact save one instance these haven’t shown any adverse reactions.” [/colour][colour=#ADD8E6]“This bottle contains what is basically soda but with a slight alteration to make it’s carbonation last much longer. What we’ll be testing is the actual flavour. You see, because I’ve tried to make a large variety of flavours I’ve had trouble figuring out how to achieve the desired flavour consistently. Each bottle has a numerical label on it and has different ingredients in it to give a different taste.”[/colour]

[colour=#ADD8E6]“For instance this one is…[/colour][colour=#ADD8E6]Aaahh, watermelon.[/colour][colour=#ADD8E6]All I’ll need you to do is write down the flavour in the right column. The pastries I have are just glazed sweet-bread cakes filled with strawberry jelly with an edible ingredient that radiates heat until digested. Keeping the treat warm and fresh until eaten, this one doesn’t need any testing it’s just so we have something tasty to eat. [/colour][colour=#ADD8E6]Now that that’s done, feel free to have as many as you want.” [/colour]

Razor was in a bit of awe by the earth pony's fervor for the scientific arts. Razor levitated the pen given to him and wrote down the flavour next to the number that Abbot just drank. "[colour=#0000ff]Watermelon, got it[/colour]." Razor after he finished making the notes. "[colour=#0000ff]Interesting concoction you have there Abbot, I'll perhaps try a bit. Though I have to say, while I'm intrigued by the confectioneries, the idea of a contained and extended exothermic reaction is rather hard for me to swallow.[/colour]" Razor chuckled at himself, he hadn't made a pun since he was a colt, though he was unsure if anypony would pick up on it. As he handed back the pastry to Abbot.

Razor took a bottle but before he could drink it the young Licorice drank their bottle and said [colour=#008080]"That tastes like AWESOME!!"[/colour][colour=#282828] She giggled. [/colour][colour=#008080]"..and by awesome, I mean black cherry. The enhanced carbonation really does make a difference. It's a very full, fizzy black cherry flavour. Write that down Razor"[/colour]

Razor nodded and wrote down the results. It looked as if it was time for Razor to take the dive. Experiments always intrigued him, and the drinks seemed safe enough though the pastries had him weary due to his knowledge of science. "[colour=#0000ff]Well here goes nothing.[/colour]" Razor levitated the bottle to his lips and took a swig. Razor smiled and looked at Licorice. "[colour=#0000ff]I think our bottles got mixed up miss, surely this bottle belonged to you. This tastes of licorice.[/colour]" Razor said with an air of humour. Turning to Abbot "[colour=#0000ff]I have to say, while it isn't unpleasant, the carbonation is a bit much for me. I can certainly finish the drink, but it is a tad overwhelming.[/colour]" Razor wrote down the results and took another sip, just to confirm. Nodding to himself to in confirmation of his initial assessment. Still... it wasn't bad.

Pocket Change started listing the reasons why he wouldn't drink the concoction and Razor laughed, having dealt with potions before, he knew the various reactions. "[colour=#0000ff]You have quite the imagination there Pocket! If any of that were true, we'd see the results in Abbot as it is clear that he self tested the concoctions! Though I'm still weary on the pastries, I've seen enough effects from potions and medicines to know that there should be no real danger from this, other than a bit of excess gas.[/colour]" That aside, Pocket Change seemed to not like Razor much. He couldn't say why, the only person who seemed to take negative to Razor was Grey Lexis. "[colour=#0000ff]Could he be an admirer of that egomaniac Grey Lexis?[/colour]" Razor thought to himself, it could be the only logical reason, but he wouldn't let that get to him. You can't please everyone after all. And if he wanted to make judgement because he was outspoken to an older stallion, then so be it.

"[colour=#0000ff]Pizza? I must decline. I've already eaten with some colleagues at a local restaurant before coming here. I was looking forward to pie as a bit of a snack, but I'm not so hungry as to require something heavy like pizza. But I'm sure those who haven't eaten will be delighted to partake in it. Though I'm not sure how it could compare with good ol' Manehattan pizza![/colour]" Razor said with a laugh. He didn't believe that Manehattan pizza was actually superior, but other Manehattanites seemed to only want to eat Manehattan pizza. Apparently all other pizza was inferior according to others he has talked to.

The scarred part was referring to her dad's death. Unless that needs more clarification then okay, I will go do fix that.

APP STATUS: Done!

I am well aware that the scarred part is referring to her dad's death. But it is a throw-away line that doesn't have any real impact on your character or how they are played, as it is part of a tragic backstory, which really isn't in the spirit of MLP:FiM.

The Hobbit was intended for children and yet many adults still read and enjoy it. Just because something is intended for children does not mean it is lacking in complexity or depth. Sometimes the opposite is true. I'm not saying that MLP is, because it isn't. But rather it is the simplicity that makes it great. It is earnest with itself. Media does not have to be complex to be entertaining. Looney Toons is exceedingly simple and is still one of the most entertaining cartoons of all time. Same can be said of Animaniacs.

In fact, I'd argue that describing something as childish is a poor descriptor of anything. And shouldn't be used as something negative.

CS Lewis said this...

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

I think that quote sums things up nicely.

Hey there Frosty! I'll be helping you with this app!

Overall I like the idea of the character! There are a few things that need to be tweaked before this is WoE stampable though!

[colour=#ff0000]The first depiction always misleads ponies so they think breaking hearts is her select talent, but it's not.[/colour]

Honestly, this is unnecessary. First, I don't think that would be anypony's first inclination to that cutie mark. Secondly, I really don't know what you mean by "Depicted in two ways." There is only one depiction, which is a broken heart being mended by three threads. Maybe it has multiple interpretations, but really that sort of detail is not really relevant. You should focus on what it actually means, not improper interpretations.

[colour=#ff0000]This event happened at a young age so she was scarred. It was very hard for her family since they didn't have enough money but they managed through. Mended Heart was able to go to school, but at that time everyone made fun of her because she was poor and began calling her names. So she had a few friends.[/colour]

This seems a bit much. She was scarred from a young age, her family was poor and thus she was ostracized? Most ponies don't really seem overly concerned with money. So I really don't think that is a reason for having few friends. I mean it might lead to some bullying, but nothing that serious. And school seems to be free, or at the very least skill based for higher learning. I don't think anypony would be denied the opportunity to learn.

Other than that, the history seems a mite short. Perhaps you could go into her experiences that lead her to write in her fillyhood. Surely she honed her skills somehow! Perhaps that is how she made friends! By sharing her writing!

Other than that I really see no issues with the Character summary! So great work on the front!

Fantastic work though! Just a bit of expansion and lightening up is needed before I can pass this along for stamping!

This app is bad and you should feel bad!

....

......

........

Ok, I really should stop saying things I WANT to say and say what I SHOULD say...

Which is... to my great dismay... that this is a fantastic app!

*sighs as he looks at his app axe* "Next time buddy... next time..."

Hey there CyroFox! I'm Star Swirl, your friendly neighborhood RPH! I'll be assisting you with this application!

This is actually a really great start!

There are a few things, however before I start that, I should say that being part of the Apple family is A-OK.

Now... On to the critique! I'll be highlighting certain things.

[colour=#ff0000]Her mother is an earth pony by the name of Apple Rose (Named after her Mother’s cousin) and her father is a Pegasus who’s named Cloud Rush. Both of her parents originally lived in Ponyville and met during a Winter Wrap up event, her mother handing out baked good to the weather team during a break. They soon became infatuated with each other but Apple Rose who was currently living on Apple Acres had family members who didn’t approve of her relationship with this Pegasus colt. But needless to say, they eloped and moved out to Canterlot. Soon the busy city life got to Apple Rose and the two young ponies moved once again to a small cottage south of Canterlot and had a son who they named Reynn.[/colour]

Alright, so there are several problems with this section. First off it is far too detailed for an app about your character. This is about your character, not her family. Information about the family should be kept minimal, unless relevant to something in your character's history or upbringing. Secondly, Apple Rose is a cast character name. Granny Smith's "favorite cousin" to be exact. This creates three problems. First is we don't allow cast ponies to be named in apps. Secondly, we know she never did live on SAA. Another thing is that ponies don't really seem to care about the races... So no one would mind that an earth pony was going out with a pegasus, and they certainly wouldn't have protested. Lastly ponies aren't allowed to live on SAA without consent of the characters who actively live there (Applejack, Granny Smith, Apple Bloom, Big Mac). That detail directly affects them.

[colour=#ff0000]But in recent time both of her parents have become worried for their daughter and thought maybe that their isolated life sheltered Tangerine too much and she needed to in a more lively place with more opportunities if their daughter was to find her talent so they sent their daughter to live in Canterlot even though Apple Rose was hesitant in sending her daughter to such a large city since she herself hated living in such a crowded place.

Living away from her parents has been a hard experience, living in a small apartment and meeting ponies that aren’t always looking out for her. But the most shocking thing was the hostility she received from ponies occasionally for her blank flank, which motivates her even more so to receive her cutie mark. At this time, she’s studying at a small academy in Canterlot but not subject in particular.[/colour]

This part is also problematic for a few reasons. First and foremost, we have seen in the show, that ponies don't act that way. Pretty much everypony (Except Rainbow Dash) in Call of the Cutie told Apple Bloom to chill out and find her cutie mark naturally. In the Cutie Mark Chronicles this was also the moral. Your cutie mark will come when you realize what makes you special. Parents wouldn't just send their children away for that reason. Especially not alone. They might go to live with other relatives, but likely not for the reason of finding their cutie mark, at least not by the parent's idea any way. If it was the filly's idea, maybe, like with Applejack's story. But again, that would be going to live with relatives.

The next thing is that again you are creating ideas for a not yet apped cast character. If you apped her, and put those details in, it would be fine, or if you were working off of another RPer's cast app with their permission... But this isn't the case.

And finally! Hostility for being a blank flank. We have seen bullying, but not general hostility. And even bullies are usually few in number. We know of two in Ponyville, and we heard of a few in Manehattan. While bullying is generally OK (though we prefer not to see it), overall hostility is not, as ponies aren't hostile by nature.

Other than that... Your history should focus more on your character and her experiences. Did she have friends? What does she do/did for fun? How did she feel with all the moving? How did it affect her? Did she gain any new experiences? As of current, your history doesn't seem like Tangerine's history, but rather the history of her family. Shift the focus from the family and put it more on your character!

And that is it for the history!

For the character summary, it is actually pretty good! I get a good feel for the character. The only thing I can really suggest is to try to integrate or remove all of the parenthesis information. It will make for a much cleaner read. In fact, one of the parenthesis should be mentioned in your character's history. She baked with her mother! Isn't that relevant to your character? Heck, that could eventually lead to her cutie mark if she still enjoys it, right?

Overall this is a really cute character design that has a lot of potential. Your history needs a bit of work, but your character summary is quite good (it just needs a bit of polish to shine).

I can't wait to see what you come up with for this character! If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!

You click "Edit" for the original post, and then click "Use Full Editor"

That should allow you to change the title of the thread!

Please mark this application as either [Ready] or [WiP] in the title of the thread preferably with just the name of your character.

Thank you!

Status: cautiously optimistic

Luna didn't have the presence she should have, or else she is royally freaked out and trying not to show it.

Rarity seemed similarly out of character.

It seems like a gimmick to get us to fear those creatures, but it is tough to take because terrified (and tied up) ponies are not "fun" to watch. The first series worked because the CMC were completely unafraid.

There is just too much that we don't know at this time. They have a great deal of power, but how much?

Someone had a comment on the Rainbow dash miniseries to the effect of "This reads like bad fan-fiction". It is too early to call this the same, but the thought came to mind.

The issue wasn't enjoyable, but it sets up the four issue series to be strong. If they can follow through.

As the person being quoted... I have to say, the thought did come to mind, but it wasn't NEARLY as bad as I felt in the Rainbow Dash Micro. At no point did I have to stop reading this because it was just that bad.

Steel has reflected my reasons for this. There are two sides to this story... The side of the mane 6 and the side of Luna. We only saw the lead up on one side of the story (I suspect because they want to limit info on the villain).

As for the CMC vs the ponies with fear here... I think that it might have been slightly overdone, but not much. Nightmares are usually primal or basal fears, and you can't fight those feelings. Couple that with the fact that the CMC knew who Chrysalis was and the ponies are dealing with the unknown (and there is a natural fear of the unknown, for referencing ponies and that... look no further than the very first episode with them going into the Everfree Forest) plus sleep deprivation. And I think you have a source of legitimate tension that the CMC wouldn't have had in the first series.

I do agree that the personalities felt a bit off. However I'll chalk that up to sleep deprivation for now. And Luna, as stated before, we don't know the lead up to that point on her side. If it is explained and makes sense I'll be fine, if not... well then... I'm not sure.

This has potential, so I'm optimistic. We'll see how it plays out.

I'd reword that last paragraph so it sounds more history like rather than a paragraph from character summary. But that isn't that bad really. The content is all there. It just sounds out of place in relation to the rest of the history.

And this:

[colour=#282828](or pre-school I think it is in America?)[/colour]

Just needs to be removed completely. I know you were just describing the point in school, but it isn't necessary. Kindergarten is pretty well known universally and if not it isn't difficult to look up. We just want to maintain the illusion of Equestria so saying things that would connect the app to the real world isn't welcome.

You've been making great edits though! Just needs a bit of polish and shine now!

It's my pleasure, and that is certainly a big improvement.

The one thing I don't get is if he continued after he got his cutie mark. His passion is obviously science. Go into how he nurtures that and how he interacted/continues to interact with his school mates (and possibly teachers and parents)! You are almost there, the history still feels a bit lacking. It should help provide an insight to your character and why he is the way he is!

Hey there TehBbqdPizza! Since the lovely QuickLime is away for a few days I'm going to get this application moving along!

As a former chess player (not a very good one mind you compared to others I've played) I absolutely love this character!

You have a well written well developed chess colt. There are very few issues with this app...

There is actually only one thing that I really have a problem with....

His favorite kind of puzzle is the Kakuro.

Now the main problem with this is the name "Kakuro" is Japanese, and there is no evidence of Japanese in Equestria. Now if you really want to keep that you could perhaps use the English translation of the full name of the game, which is "addition cross." Or since it is not vital to your character you can also just take that out since you have mentioned that he likes solving mathematical puzzles.

But other than that, great work!

I'll preface this by saying I'm not a furry, nor was I ever a furry, and I'm still not a furry. I do respect everyone's choices, and some of my closest friends on this site, like Rosewind, are furries. I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I'll give it a shot.

I like the show, and have tried to describe why I like it for some time. I still don't think I'm capable of fully articulating my reasoning. I really didn't think I would like it. Several of my friends started watching it, and worked hard to convince me to give it a shot, and I finally caved when I was shown a clip if Discord. Watched the first two episodes and simply never stopped.

Now my reasons? I really still don't know. The best I can give is that its a well written programme and it is an honest show in the sea of cynicism that is the world, and by extension my life. I liked the characters and thought they were good archetypes that had a lot of potential. And it is really as simple as that. As I got into the fandom, that alone became a reason for me to stay. There is adult humor, good animation, and a whole slew of references to popular media. But those reasons are really superficial. Something about the show strikes a positive cord with me. It makes me smile, even when its not trying to be funny or clever. Put simply, it [usually] makes me at least somewhat happy. That is the best reason I have.

That is the show though. What really makes this show is it's community. I started RPing again for the first time in over a decade since I stopped Table Top RPGs. And I've met some awesome people. Some more pony fans than others. Some full on bronies who collect anything and everything, and others like myself who are content just enjoying the show and community.

Me I suppose... I'll get to it Monday or Tuesday.

Yeah, just in case I wasn't clear... There are two sides to art. The content and the aesthetic. The content of the art is part of the greater story part of my scoring. The aesthetics is part of the actual art part. Included in that is how the art is used to enhance the story to a degree (because the use of artistic colours can both enhance the story as well as make the art more appealing). It is rather hard to balance the two at times, because the choice of colours can also be part of the story telling. So I kinda have to modify my scale a bit at times.

Pictures can tell a story, which is WHY story is weighted the way it is, I just took off the aesthetic part and separated it off. Apologies if that was unclear.

Ouch

Not going to disagree with that either.

What is a weighted or unweighted score?

Unweighted is basically 50% story 50% art. Scored equally. (which really shows you how much I enjoyed the art)

Weighted is 70% story 30% art. (approximately) (which shows you how much I disliked the story)

I hold story in rather high regards. While I buy graphic mediums for the art, it is ultimately not the main reason. The story is the main reason, which usually for comics cannot be found in any other medium (unlike manga and anime which I almost always pick up the VN or LN if available). I wouldn't be able to find this animated or in a regular novel, at least not by Hasbro. I could easily buy art books or browse the internet for pretty art if art was my main goal. The art, for me, merely acts as an enhancer to the story being told. Captivating story can save a comic for me, even if the art is lackluster (providing it doesn't detract from the story, I'm looking at you Rob Leifeld). However a lack luster or boring story can ruin a comic for me, no matter how pretty the art is. I had to stop reading this comic 3 times because I just couldn't stand the story. The few parts that made me smile ultimately kept me going, but it was a chore for the most part to continue reading it.

Hope that makes sense for how I scored it.

I do have some hope for the next issue because Katie Cook is at the helm (from what I have heard), and I enjoyed her main story comics quite a bit.

Star Swirl must be kept from watching this movie at all costs.

Too late, already have... sorry. Can't say anything else that Phil or steel haven't already said.

This felt like a poorly written fic than a professional comic.

Unweighted score 5.5/10

Weighted score 3/10

I wanted to stop reading several times. There were a few good moments but not enough for me to go easier on this issue.

Hey there W^3. I'm Star Swirl and I'll be your designated RPH for this app!

First off, I have to say I like this character. A goofy physicist, not something that we often see

Normally I'd say that the CM story is too short. But honestly, it does what it needs to do without being excessively detailed. While I'd like to hear more about the experiment, I feel that in this case less is more.

The history is a different story though. You have a lot of room for expansion here. What sort of scientist was Slick's father and how did it inspire him? What were his friends like? What did he do for fun? What were his friends like? How does he hone his science skills? Did his father help him, did he read books? Just learn in school? Don't be afraid to be detailed.

Other than that this is a really good start! I'd recommend doing some proofreading, but there aren't many major issues with spelling, just some typos

If you have any questions let me know!

The coffee coloured mare turned and seemed to be surprised by Harmony's presence in front of her. She wasn't quite sure why. She shrugged it off until the mare spoke. Harmony gave her compliments to the mare.

[colour=#DAA520]“That means a lot coming from such a mad talent! You’re a total wildfire on the piano, and I'd love to jam with ya!” [/colour]the mare said extending her hoof with a wide welcoming grin. These two were obviously kindred spirits.

A bit taken aback by the return compliment Harmony responded [colour=#330066]"Oh, er... thank you. It wasn't much really. I just let the music flow." [/colour] She extended her hoof to shake with the mare as she snickerd at the wildfire comment. [colour=#330066]"That isn't the first time my playing has been described like that. I'm starting to think that is a compliment." [/colour]Harmony said with a laugh. [colour=#330066]"And just name the time and place for a jam session sister. I'm down whenever!"[/colour] Harmony said excitedly. That's what she loved most about jazz musicians, the music was a reward in itself, playing off the clock wasn't a chore it was an adventure. In the orchestra, no one played off the clock just for fun, it was always work, even when improvising.

The mare introduced herself. [colour=#DAA520]“The name’s Riff Run. [/colour][colour=#DAA520]Though friends call me Birdy. It’s always good to meet another musician, especially one who knows a thing or two about jazz with a play style like yours!”[/colour]

[colour=#330066]"Birdy? I like it! It suits you somehow!"[/colour] Harmony exclaimed. [colour=#330066]"I'm Harmonic Dissonance. My mentor called me "Dissy" because of my, as you say, wild style. Others call me some variation of my first name. I'm not too picky about names though so long as I can tell you're talkin' to me."[/colour]

While this conversation was occurring a third jazz pony took the stage, a pale green pony wearing a fedora and a white shirt. This one rolling along a contrabass case. He opened it and revealed a heavy accent. Starting off with a bass solo, he then gained energy and started to scat. Harmony smiled, as she hadn't heard scat in ages, and this stallion was no slouch. The scat just seemed to sputter off his lips with such fervor that Harmony found herself tapping her hooves to the scat. When it ended he too made his way over to that table. It was like all the jazz musicians were magnetically attracted to one and other.

[colour=#282828]" 'aving a good evenin?"[/colour]

[colour=#282828]The foreign bass playing scat pony asked. To which Harmony replied [/colour][colour=#330066]"I always have a good evenin' when I get up on stage. It's what I live for."[/colour]

[colour=#DAA520]“Okay, folks. A round on me! This is going to be a wonderful evening.”[/colour]

Another round of drinks were ordered by the rather generous Birdy. As the drinks came, she looked around, not wanting to take the first drink in case a toast was to be initiated.

[colour=#282828]"Que Sera Sera," he said aloud as he downed another shot, "So, looks like we have ourselves quite the grouping tonight, three jazz ponies and a grumpy old stallion."[/colour]

The older stallion downed his shot, and Harmony followed suit. She laughed at his crack. [colour=#330066]"Just loosen up ya hep pon'! Even the most wound up pon's can unravel with some good whiskey and even better music. Ya just gotta learn to let go!"[/colour] She tried to get through the distracted stallion.

[colour=#282828] "It seems we have quite the talented lot here, almost makes me envious that I didn't stick to an instrument, I know a little here and there, but nothing quite like you all."[/colour]

[colour=#330066]"I really have much to learn. I just play how I want to play and hope it sounds good. Nothin' more really. I go with the flow and let the music direct me and do what I love."[/colour] The young mare responded. She still was no where near the level of her mentor, but she loved jazz, every second of it. It was an addiction, one she didn't want to break.

Harmonic Dissonance was in Manehattan for the first time in quite a while. Overall she found the clean streets strikingly similar to her home town of Baltimare. Baltimare just wasn't as bustling as this particular city, and that of course means a more hip and happening nightlife! Harmony was walking the streets around the areas where her mentor once showed her had stages that jazz musicians would often play, hoping that some place would strike her.

She heard the blare of a trumpet coming out of a club that she had never been to before. It didn't seem like any of the jazz clubs she had seen previously, but she felt it was worth a look. She walked in and made her way to the bar where she saw a few ponies, one of which stood out, a coffee coloured earth pony. Harmony turned her attention to the band on stage, which was a trumpet run trio. They played their best, but it had no flow, no life. It was jazz certainly, but it felt like a lifeless shell of what Harmony felt jazz should be. They played several well known pieces almost to the note, without any feeling or swing to it.

As the concord grape coloured pony with the red wine ruffled mane sat at the bar, the coffee coloured pony got up. She had finished her drink as the band took a break. It looked as if she knew the stiff trumpeter. After a bit of talking she got up on stage. Harmony ordered whiskey on the rocks. The coffee coloured pony got up and in a smooth husky voice said "[colour=#DAA520]“Well, well, well, you fine folks.[/colour][colour=#282828] [/colour][colour=#DAA520]Have we got a treat for you. These stiff old fools have been boring you long enough. It’s time to give you all a real taste of jazz – consider it Birdy’s treat.”[/colour]

The pony started to sing, she had a rich and full voice. She sang several jazz classics. The more time went on the more she let her voice go. Harmony let her self get lost in her voluptuous voice. Harmony was getting, for the lack of a better word, jazzed up. She was itching to play now. She surveyed the stage when she noticed a tarp. She asked the barkeep what it was, and he explained it was their piano with its dust cover on. While tapping her hoof to the music she smiled hoping for her chance to play.

The coffee coloured pony stepped down and went over to a rather disinterested looking pony. The stage was clear which afforded Harmony the chance to take it. She stood up and walked over to the covered piano and grabbed the tarp with her teeth pulling it off. She opened the baby grand piano and plucked a string. Satisfied with its tuning she walked up to the mic. [colour=#330066]"Hey everypony, after the last performance I got the itch to play. I'll do my best to show all you hep and happenin' pon's something good."[/colour]

With that she sat down and started playing. She started off slow with a well known jazz piano classic. However she didn't stick with that for long. She started improvising about halfway through the song, playing off beat syncopation. She played her hooves off, occasionally hitting the strings inside the piano for effect not losing the rhythm with her other hoof. Something she perfected under her mentor. She shifted into the piano solo from a well known Art Coltly and the Jazz Messengers classic and continued with that. She didn't play it note for note, she played it with her own interpretation. She shifted the transitions with her own personal style. And again she shifted into her own improv. Now she was really in the groove. She started playing what seemed almost like random dissonant notes that seemed to flow into one and other like they were meant to be played like that. She made the piano cry as she picked up speed in her playing, swinging and shifting back into consonant chords with amorphous syncopation that was prevalent in jazz. She was now playing her personal compositions that she just loved to have fun with.

Finally tired she decided to give her hooves a rest and take ten. She stepped off the stage to allow the next act, or perhaps the original trio to take the stage again. She walked over to the coffee coloured pony who was talking with some stallion who seemed down. [colour=#330066]"Thanks for the inspiration. Your voice was something else. Perhaps we can play together sometime."[/colour] Harmony smiled looking at the stallion and nodding, not wanting to drop in on their conversation.

I actually wanted to better cement her as a separate character from Pinkie Pie (though they are a little similar, I really wanted to avoid her seeming like complete Pinkie clone,) but after reading over it again, it did seem a little unnecessarily mean-spirited.

I've changed some of it up and added a bit more, so hopefully she won't seem so openly mean. By the way, thanks for the help, again. It means a lot.

Totally understand.

The ensuing laughter caused something in Shenanigan's mind to snap

I think the wording here could use a bit of work. Perhaps something more like "the ensuing laughter made her suddenly realize something." The idea of mind snapping is usually not a good thing.

Added proper picture drawn by the lovely elderflower cutie mark and all!

I know you said it might be "too busy". But keep in mind that image is a concept picture and the actual cutie mark will be much simpler.