"It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not so much dark and stormy, really more twilight and cloudy. Oh, and it was morning too. In fact, scratch that, let me start over."
Delete that. I get the joke, but this doesn't belong at the beginning of the story. You need to draw your reader in but I think you create distance between your story and your reader by creating a word picture and then telling the reader to disregard it. Plus, it creats a sense of mistrust because it communicates to the reader that the descriptions which follow may also be false, or part of a joke (which they aren't, making this sentance really stick out like a sore thumb).
Another thing is the change in mood, or lack thereof. I think you're just missing a sentance or two towards the beginning. You describe a lift in spirits when Pinkie's song is played but I don't think you established the mood created by the meloncholy song. I think you just need to describe a depressed mood in the patrons of the coffee shop (or even disinterest) in response to the more depressing song so that there is a contrast to the reactions to Pinkie Pie's song.
Other than that, I think you did a pretty good job. My points may seem minor, but I feel they would make a big difference so I hope you consider them. And please don't take my comments personally; I am only trying to help.
Coffee Shop Blues, Writefriend September 2011
in Ginger Mint's Omnibus
A blog by Ginger Mint in General
Posted
I have a couple of suggestions. First off:
"It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not so much dark and stormy, really more twilight and cloudy. Oh, and it was morning too. In fact, scratch that, let me start over."
Delete that. I get the joke, but this doesn't belong at the beginning of the story. You need to draw your reader in but I think you create distance between your story and your reader by creating a word picture and then telling the reader to disregard it. Plus, it creats a sense of mistrust because it communicates to the reader that the descriptions which follow may also be false, or part of a joke (which they aren't, making this sentance really stick out like a sore thumb).
Another thing is the change in mood, or lack thereof. I think you're just missing a sentance or two towards the beginning. You describe a lift in spirits when Pinkie's song is played but I don't think you established the mood created by the meloncholy song. I think you just need to describe a depressed mood in the patrons of the coffee shop (or even disinterest) in response to the more depressing song so that there is a contrast to the reactions to Pinkie Pie's song.
Other than that, I think you did a pretty good job. My points may seem minor, but I feel they would make a big difference so I hope you consider them. And please don't take my comments personally; I am only trying to help.