Mistfire

"Bro, Saddlesore, about time, looks like Piggy here wants your attention"

Yuki rarely ever gave nicknames, but felt that he made friends today, and felt safe

"Lets see, PigPen is gonna be named Piggy, Saddlesore... I dunno I'll come up with something later..."

He began to prepare for his next order from Cadence

"Oh, really? Weird i thought that the vase was supposed to be in the silverware pile and the china plates were supposed to be in the decoy pile"

Yuki decided to drop the topic and noticed that Saddlesore was idle

"Bro, bro, you there? Bro. BRO! IM JUST TRYNA GET YO ATTENTIOOOOOON!"

Yuki proceeded to poke the grumpy stallion on the cheek until he got his attention, but until then he paid no attention to what was around him

Well yes i would be happy to do it in free for all but honestly i feel that main rp is more fun, or maybe i haven't seen enough .3.

Why would she keep going to their house if she didn't want to speak with them? I think you'll need to expand on that a bit.

I still need you to come up with a different example for her art. Other staff have looked at the app, and all had a problem with using meat-eating as an example for a vegetarian society.

Also, having a butterfly for a cutie mark is not unique nor special. It is a normal sort of a cutie mark. Other ponies would not be amazed by it.

uugh who knew just one application would be so much work... i guess thats how it pays off in the end, ill get to work when i get the chance

Well, you said they found a lost foal who wasn't saying anything ... but instead of reporting a lost child to the authorities, they brought her home.

How does 'everyone know' if they never told anyone? And why is it difficult to bring her to her parents' house?

uuh... actually i think i'll just leave out the part where they found her and say she just went to their house instead, but never really wanted to speak to them.

Regarding the fourth question: Ahhh, I see. Do you think you could come up with something more appropriate to the setting to explain it? Like ... parents punishing their foals, perhaps? Rather a bit milder, but I'm sure the foals see it as cruel! Or something else. I'm not entirely sure I'm clear on the idea.

Could you make it more apparant that it's her self-consciousness and not what others are actually doing?

For the amount of time she was lost, and the explanation of her abilities, I do have a question, then. If she's old enough to know what she's doing in the wilderness.. how did she get lost in the first place? And if she knows survival techniques... how did she make the most basic of mistakes in not staying where she was and waiting for the search party?

Regarding Shade and Yuki ... the way you describe it, the two of them basically kidnapped Duskus. I'm not sure that's what you intend to have happened.

Woaaah it makes them look like kid-snatchers? dang, well no.. but... i thought the application stated that everyone knows about duskus but they couldn't connect her with the couple looking for her, and Duskus grew atatched to them a lot faster than they did with her, but if you give me something i can put in there that can explain this, lemme know and ill do it

Self consciousness made clear? Sure

New comparison? Its fine i'll change it

I'll do it tomorrow since i gotta hit the sack early for once

All right, I looked through your new app.

1. I see you moved your character to living weeks without aid in the woods instead of in the mountains. This is still, however, wilderness... and young foals don't do very well in the wilderness, untrained. A few days at most ...

2. OK, so she's in Trottingham, where she's known to be missing ... why hasn't Yuki and Shade told the guard, "We found a lost foal." Especially when the foal obviously needed medical attention and wasn't talking to them...

3. Why would ponies look at her strangely because she has grey eyes? That's a normal sort of an eye color.

4. "(for example, slaying animals for food, its cruel, but necessary to stay alive)" Ponies don't eat meat ...

oh actually on your fourth question, its a comparison, im not saying that they eat meat, its a synonym (is that that right word?) o3o

and she feels as if she's being looked at strangely, when she really isn't, she just lacks some self-confidence

the whole report thing doesn't really matter since Shade and Yuki could take care of her without a problem, and it was clear that she was shy. Everyone knows that she's back in Trottingham. but they don't know she's related to the couple that lives in the nearby woods.

I'll tweak the amount of time to just a week, considering that she learned from herself and her foster parents before she got lost. But you're right in terms of how long a young filly can last in the woods, even just a few acres of it. Also she got lost when she was a young filly, not a foal.

Waiting for feedback...

-ignore this it was a dupicate of what was above-

Oh youtube, you have caught me yet again

Well i was on an anime forum and looked all ALL the art on their gallery, and noticed that when it came to my anime drawings... it lacked a lot, but then i noticed that some collabs were made in Manga and Anime in terms of story and art, and thought that maybe i should make a Dojinshi with someone or maybe a youtube series, i know this might be too much to ask for, but honestly I wanted to do something like this for a long time, but haven't developed the art skills yet, you could say my art style is like TWEWY characters, but more simple and... well , just not worth looking at.

Perhaps someone could assist me with this request i have and help me do what i've wanted to do for a long time, and if you do wish to collaborate with me ill send you some sketches of the characters i want to use and their descriptions so you can know how to draw them (NOTE: This is anime im talking about, im getting the hang of drawing ponies its just that because of that i kinda let anime go off the radar and it got rusty and just ugly...)

Thanks for reading

-M!$T

Yuki, determined to be taken seriously or at least heard stomped his foot down that the tile under him almost cracked, and his attitude almost changed entirely

"I said, something is missing from the PILE! Is nopony gonna listen to me? Here i am trying to help and i find that some things are MISSING entirely, not 'Moved to another pile' or 'its right over there', but MISSING"

He looked around with an fierce and angered look on his face to see if anyone noticed his observation.

"Pigpen i appreciate your help, but it would be most preferable that you help me find out where the missing items are"

I may join but only if it's well-written and there's an established posting order for the players.

(Because this one was kind of a mess, no offense.)

Thats what i meant as in "not starting it alone", if you want we can both write and come up with an rp

"No, no, the sub-piles i noticed, its just that im serious when i say 'Missing'!"

Yuki felt as if he was being ridiculed, and began to feel a bit rejected

I'm not going down without a fight!*Shoots lazer from horn*

*walks in* im sorry 299 but i couldn't help but notice your icon there, its eye ca- *hit by lazer*

can't keep up... sorry if you guys meant to reply to my post in the RP but i just...can't... KEEP UP! ;A;

buuuuut im gonna start my own humanized thread, so maybe that'll work out, idk but im not starting it alone, lemme know if you have any ideas or want in

It's getting closer!

1: The new, condensed timeline is indeed easier to read, and gives me a much better idea of what's going on in your character's history, thank you very much. That helps a lot.

Improvements:

1: MAP The map is still a problem. Again, look at the map - the White-tail Wood is a long way away from Trottingham. It would take several days to get there by cart. If you just want a wooded area, you don't have to *name* the wooded area - just say it's a generic 'nearby woods'. The map, after all, doesn't show where every single tree is - just the major forested areas with little civilization breaking it up.

2: The language issue is still very much an issue. It makes absolutely no sense that she was growing up in a civilization and yet wasn't able to speak the language, no matter how little she socialized. One simply cannot keep from hearing the language spoken around one, especially as a baby. During that whole time you're in a crib and can't move around, you're learning the language.

And again - language is not an issue in Equestria. Even animals often seem to understand the common tongue. Foreign folks like Griffins and Germanes and Buffalo all speak the common tongue. If I might ask, why is it important that your character be so artificially foreign from everyone they grew up next to?

I'm not sure what to suggest for this element of your character other than 'remove it' because I don't understand why it is important to you.

3: You still have her going from seeing greyscale to seeing in color because of brain trauma. Eyes don't work that way. She *either* sees in greyscale or she sees in color - she can't just swap back and forth when she hits her head or sleeps for an especially long time. Why is it important that she was born seeing in greyscale but she now sees in color?

4: If Shade and Yuki are other players, I would very much appreciate it if you would link to their applications. Also, they will need to post to your application to say that you're allowed to use their characters in your history.

5: The tale of your character wandering off through the woods, climbing mountains, surviving a couple months in the wilderness by herself ... is about a prepubescent. Little foals - especialy untrained foals - don't go climbing mountains and living for months without aid. Not to mention that her legal guardians just suddenly disappear entirely from the story.

actually, yuki and shade are my characters, and i linked their applications below

Besides that i tweaked a few more things that weren't asked to be changed but added anyways, so i think thats it

Please let me know what needs to change!

"well if its boredom that worries you, you can just call for me and i'll come so we can hang out!"

Yuki was worried that Cadence would eventually snap from boredom, and cause a big issue, but mainly wanted another friend he could talk to more often

But he didn't let that distract him from the fact that the pile wasn't the same

'No, really, what happened to the pile

Hell, all my RP characters were humans in the first place, i just made them ponies

So this would be a good way to jump back into my "Human RP" nature

Im in :3

lol ok now this is SPAM LAND!

Ok this has been updated for like idk the 4th time so, hopefully im close enough or at least ready for this to be accepted

what i changed

• Rewrote her backstory again to see if a "this happened and then this happened" format works
  
• Left deep information either blank or anonymous, like the nationality of the foreign couple
  
• Made things a bit more believable bringing back poison joke as a "Just to at least keep the eye color included" factor
  
• Changed things related to the new edits
  

Hopefully this is enough!

It's definitely improving! A few more changes should really be made to have it fit into the feel of the World of Equestria, but I have some suggestions I hope will be able to help you develop this character and keep all the key elements of it!

1: The second foster parents - the zebras. I'm not sure how important these are, but first off - there isn't a tribe of zebras living in the everfree forest - just Zecora. Second, why didn't they go looking for their foster-daughter, when she was just right outside? That doesn't make sense.

2: Getting lost and surviving on your own for months on end in the Forest as a little foal. Surviving is hard work.

3: Trottingham is a rather populated area. You can see the map here.

4: Being color blind isn't something that can be healed by 'getting knocked on the head'. It's not a matter of something in the brain, it's how the eyes are formed. It's also not something which makes it 'hard to see'. Someone who's colorblind isn't half-blind. They simply can't differentiate between colors. It would not make someone more likely to trip, or more likely to get lost.

All in all, it's too many *very unique* things, still. Being an adopted foal by itself is fine ... losing your parents twice starts to get a bit unusual ... and every extra-special oddity added on top of that just makes the character more and more 'outside'.

From what I can tell, the key elements of your character is:

1: She's an artist.

2: She knows what it's like to be colorblind, but she can also see in color.

3: She seeks to translate very unusual things to art - like how she herself is different. Her goal is to help other ponies see things in a new way.

4: She's an orphan, and has had to take care of herself a lot.

Here's my suggestions:

1: Drop the 'she only spoke another language' bit. Language is not a big deal in Equestria. Let that be.

2: Let her eyes be normal - but when she is affected by poison joke, her eyes go weird - black with white irises - as does the rest of her. In fact, to make it be an actuall *joke*, let the poison joke cause her to change into a tie-dyed pony - tie-dyed coat, colorful mane and tail - but she can't see what it looks like because she's colorblind! This eventually ends as the poison joke wears off, and her eyes and her coloration go back to normal.

3: She keeps running into poison joke a LOT because poison joke makes the most *perfect* blue dye that she loves to use in her paints - so she can't just avoid it. So every few day she mixes up a new batch and *bamf* tie-dyed colorblind pony.

4: Her parents had to give her up because they loved her very much, but were poor, and therefore were unable to take care of her properly. They wanted her to go to somepony who would be better able to give her a good life. There was no orphanage in her hometown, so she ended up having to leave her home and ended up in the Trottingham orphanage. She was angry and upset about this, and often ended up running away and spending several nights in the nearby forest (normal forest - not the Everfree) where she taught herself simple woodcraft and how to forage for herself - but always ended up going back to the orphanage after a bit of that. It got to where the orphanage caretakers just smiled and sighed and shook their heads when she disappeared, knowing she'd be back eventually. During one of these camping trips, she ran into the two ponies and started to talking with them. They grew to liking each other, and when they discovered Duskus was an orphan, they followed her back to the orphanage and adopted her.

5: One tiny little detail - "Yuki" isn't a very pony-ish name. If Shade and Yuki are already characters in the mane RP, then that's fine - if not, you might want to change Yuki's name. Since "Yuki" means "blessing" and "snow," you could rename her as "Snow Blessed" or something similar for her pony name.

Obviously I'm not saying this has to be *exactly* what you do - or even close to it. I'm just trying to give some ideas that will keep those basic elements, but translate it into something much more Equestria-ish, hoping that it will spark some ideas for you.

oh ok

and yuki's name is really Sleet Glaze, its just that everyone calls him that, also, the "her" thing, trust me you're not the first person to call yuki a she. And yes his application was accepted so i think that'll work out. Also, i moved her childhood ara to the Whitetail forest instead since i recently got the bad ending on super filly adventure... and i know what you mean as in "wild" now

Also, remember that her art is in black and white, so blue dye isn't an option, but i can pop something in there to make it work,

Well, As you can all see its a SAW rp, but the way it works is that i'll be observing other users and their activity on the forums, and then send them an invite to join the RP the way jigsaw would do it in a "Hello X, you have -blabla- now you can choose to live (join rp) or die (don't join)"

Gonna update the formats as people join in, if you have any questions just ask

thanks for reading!

-Mist

Yuki completely lost it after that, he fell to the floor twitching and with a happy look on his face

"H..How did you pull the coin out of nowhere?"

Yuki blacked out for a while, then got back up

"Anyways, the pile looks pretty good, if i say so myse-"

Yuki's rationality came back for a second and noticed that a few items were missing from the pile

"Wait, wasn't there more stuff than there already was on the top?"

Well, you should always comment once you've made updates. Your previous comment said you'd be working on it, not that you were finished updating the Application.

oh ok

sorry i have a short attention span... for the most part at least

Yuki instantly snapped out of it as soon as his name was called

"Put it in a pile? Sure no problem!"

He began to start moving all the things into a pile, some with great effort and some without a hitch, he was nearly done until he noticed what HighRoller was talking about

"You make art too? I know a pony named Duskus who is really into that stuff, maybe you could talk with her if we run into her!"