ClockChime

I've had a story in my head for a while, and like most of my stories it's steam punk.

A group of ponies awaken from stasis in a long abandoned complex, with only whisps of memories as to who they are. the complex is dark and dyeing, power running out. The air is ancient, though free of mildew, all living things turned to dust millennia ago. This place was inhabited one, thriving even, but nothing of that remain. There is evidence of a fight, a long forgotten battle. There are skitters in the dark, probing eyes watching from the dark.

Your mission is to escape and find out what happened here.

Apply here:

Player List:

Chara name / player / job

1)Clockchime / Clockchime / engineer

2) Spin Art / Frost137 / Weather Patrol

3)[colour=#282828]Starfire[/colour][colour=#282828] / hitman61live / Pegasus Scientist[/colour]

4)Blackboard / Cainiam / History Teacher

5)

6)

7)

8)

Luna/ Nightmare Moon - QueenChrysalis747

Royal Guards - Puzzlebeat

Twilight Sparkle -

Rainbow Dash - SuperHedgehog03

Rarity -

Spike - HeppyPony

Fluttershy -

Pinkie Pie - ClockChime

Applejack -

Celestia -

Luna-

Wait a second... Who's at the top and bottom of this list?

im actually about to start up the RP now.

Cool, bear in mind this is my first time rping here and I haven't RP'd in a while so I may be a bit rusty.

So what's the scene?

Might I be pinkie pie?

Oh, uh thanks... Thought I'd have to do another rewrite. Okay then on to rping, as soon as I get my home wifi in.

No problem, I need to work on my patience.

I didn't spend terribly long on it, only 5-6 hours

My writing is terible, so I can remove it if need be.

I can expand on personality but I'd need to know what's missing

And now I feal like a jerk.

Ehhh free for all sounds realy chaotic, if anybody can jump in or out the story just turns sour, I've had a lot of experience with that, free for all has never worked for me.

congrats...

name='starswirlthebearded' timestamp='1355707955' post='313110']

Touché, I meant the app

Cool. Just be patient while a help staff get around to it they usually review apps from bottom to top.

hehehe granted,

mmmm hope so

Waiting is getting realy boring... Might just leave at this point

she has come no farther, this is who she was from the begining

i'll have my editor take care of it.

erhem... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worst show on the planet.

well might as well put this up.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/55021/The-Clockwork-Alicorn-Book-One%3A-Charms

read and enjoy

discord of course, have to stick with chaos

1-eeeeee when i'm more awake i'll expand the history, and mybe i'll mix it but as of yet i'd rather keep the story and list type history seperate

2-i do screw up spellling i will never be able to do this write, with out popping it into a spell check program and even then i miss stuff

mrrrrrrr i hate tweaking

edit: okay history extended, i certainly hope for the last time, anymore and i'm forceing things into the charector wich i dont want to do.

okay total rewrite, hows this?

Remember, there is a difference between making an artificially happy character, a needlessly depressing character [that wouldn't fit into WoE], and a character that has a sad back story. Plenty of characters that have sad backstories get accepted, so long as it fits in with the show. But the rule of thumb is "Would I see this in an episode of MLP:FiM?" And personally, while I can see them dropping the death bomb [they've already slightly dealt with it with Filomena (sp?)], I don't think I could see them have a character callously abandoning a family member expecting them to fail while they are a child.

There was a rather recent one that got accepted. If I can find it I'll link it here so you can see what I mean.

ohoho, tuche

mmm true i was experimenting with being a bit darker for simplicities sake i'm just going to s**** the whole idea

the uncle bit was ripped from her orignal storyline of one of my fic's, in which her uncles were flim and flam but thats a no go here so ya

and i have a stronger defenition of sad then mostto me this story is cheery (over exageration )

her original dynamic was that of a pony who'd been abondoned so many times, that she finds ponies in need and saves them and becoming freinds

Okay, working on history now, not gonna be a story this time

We're watching you! Swirly seems to be doing a fantastic job of helping you along with the development process. Although he is not a helper in title, he has solid sense about the game, and his suggestions should help you on your way to approval. I will flag this application for review by an RPH. As I am looking at it, though, there is a lot to work on, and all of Swirly's suggestions so far have been everything I would have said myself.

Keep asking questions! Application building should be a fun and collaborative process!

Cool, so far it's just a pain, I don't like making artificially happy chara. I'm going too expand it tonight when I'm not mobile.

Edit:okay started working

The link I had was ON the Hub's site. No hacking involved, someone probably just put it up too early.

Hmmm realy? That's realy weird and rather unlikely why would they do that?

I have the supposed source of the leak. Aparently a hacker from /mlp/ in 4chan hacked the hubs site and pulled it from there

*looks around* Wow... asked for by name... Huh...

Welp! since I'm here... I too love the style of the app and the creative flair it has. So every suggestion I make will be in an effort to preserve it as much as possible. Like Scythe, please remember that I am not RP Help Staff, and most of this is personal opinion

So I don't repeat things what have already been said, what Scythe said is pretty spot on. This is especially about #2 and #5.

On #2/#4 I have an idea, that may or may not work for the help staff, that will moderately keep what you have done in tact for the most part... Take out the beginning of it, (the physical data) and change it to what is required as Scythe pointed out. Then integrate the psych eval into the history/character summary. You can make a note that he went to a psychologist and this is her thoughts about her history/personality.

On #5... Please expand upon the Cutie Mark story. I usually recommend watching Cutie Mark Chronicles episode and seeing how each of the Mane 6 told their story and trying to keep that same sort of spirit. Cutie mark acquisition is an extremely meaningful, exciting and well... life changing... experience for a young filly. It should be more than a one or two line thing. It can still be short, but keep in mind the importance of it, and try to convey that to the reader in the app.

NOW! This is important! Depression will need to be removed! Severe psychological issues are not allowed in WoE (ie clinical depression), as far as I can remember.

You should definitely expand upon her history as well (the cutie mark story can easily be included in this, and from what I have seen some RP Helpers prefer it this way)! If you make it into the required format that will be a very organic thing to do. This will also answer some important questions. Like how she works at her grandfather's shop. She is still a filly so she should be a student still (I think this is required of all school aged characters). She could be like an assistant, but she is still too young to be a full time employee of any shop, whether she is related or not (more on that in notes). Think Applebloom with her family's business. She helps out when needed, but otherwise she is a regular filly that plays with her friends and goes to school.

This seems rather contradictory. I'd think socially awkward or something similar would be better, not antisocial. Those whom are antisocial tend to not want to have companionship.

A few other sparse notes.... (not negative necessarily but things that should be reconsidered if possible)

1) Dead parents trope is rather overdone... It got to the point where a Canterlot orphanage was made.

2) Total abandonment and leaving total control of a shop to a filly (seeming to result in dropping out of school) doesn't have a place in Equestria. It just seems rather dark and mean. Too dark and mean for WoE.

3) There are some typos and grammatical issues that need fixing (ie "He taught me everything he new" should be "knew")

So this does require some work, but I can definitely see this being an awesome character in the future.

Best of luck! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

Okay let's see

XYa I will swap the data part,

XAs for the cutie mark bit, I guess I'll have to work that out, it breaks the cardinal rule of writing "show don't Xtell"

XHmmm depression... I'll have to work with that. Was meant to be more cold then depressed.

XI'll have to tweak her age, I thought filly was older then that. And ya history and again show don't tell

XTweaking antisocial to cold

I know it's over done, that's why I added the dead grandfather and abandoning uncle.

Again raising age

I'll toss it to my editor

Hehe,I was trying to do rule 2 "make an excellent character, and make them suffer" hope that works out

Edit:using this quote as a check list btw

what do you mean?

Blend?

Glad to see you fitting in clocky:)

Hehe I keep forgetting I changed my name here for RP sake my name is actualy

Claw Gerber that is what I'm known as everywhere else

Thats probably the easiest way. ^^ Just get prepared, when the Help Staff comes they will question the origin of her traits and you might need to explain why she is how she is. Usually that is accomplished easily by writing a bit about her past.

i could easily do a complete rewrite, rule 12 know your charecters

hehe thanks for the feed back you two thats exactly what i was looking for i think i'll leave it as is for now and wait for it to be properly checked before messing with it too much, i'd like to go with the 4th rule of writing "start with an idea not a story" which means develop the story by telling it and don't just have the whole thing before hand. though i will add the cutie mark story.

on the avatar: at this point i think its magic, everyone including me loves it and cant tell why. i got it from a pm in a forum the image has never been posted and the artist doesn't exist. its rather a mystery to me, but ever since I've used it as my avi every where

hmmm no feed back... did i do it wrong?