halofan303

umm im confused about two things...

or ill-informed

A- were do you cheer? and how does the whole thing work/what are the rules for cheering?

B- are you allowed to enter even if its already started, just for the fun of it?

Thank you for being so patient while we worked out the kinks! :smile:

Thank you -and the other staff- for helping me work out the kinks!

I'm very happy my character got approved, and I'm also quite happy about getting the good quality feedback! :grin:

looking forward to participating in some of the roleplaying aspects of the site.

--so...um...in short...thank ya too...

edit/update:

history -heavy edit. aswell as put it in a spoiler box for the following reasons:

saves room.

and if no pony wants to read it/somepony wants to skip it. it'll be less of a hassle to scroll past it.

This paragraph somewhat troubles me a bit. It doesn't quite fit in with what we're looking at as far as Equestria is concerned, and it seems like it's a broken part of his story as a whole. If you were to cut this paragraph out completely, then the rest of the character would be perfectly good to go in my opinion. But the inclusion of this paragraph raises a few questions that can't be easily explained and seem a bit nonsensical. For example, there's no explanation for why his unicorn friend betrayed him, nor why she went to go live with the druids, nor even why she had to treat him this way. Also, there's no indication that there are 'druid' type characters in the Mane Equestria as it is, either in historical or fictional reference, so this somewhat troubles me. We're trying to stay away from the D&D gaming-type atmosphere in the Mane RP, as it's not quite the kind of RP where anyone needs to care how powerful your character is, or how uber your character can be. I think the first half can be fine, being part of a monster hunter group, and then his unicorn friend betray him for whatever reason, but the latter half of the paragraph could be cut out and take care of the discrepancies, in my opinion.

A few questions get raised by it that would likely be better to answer by omission, rather than inclusion (Details can always be Roleplayed out later once the character gets a feel for how it is going to work in the RP):

Why was he asked to join the slayer group in the first place?

Why did his unicorn friend betray him? Why did she then choose to run off with this group in the Neighples Marsh?

Why did he seek this group out specifically?

Why does she bear such animosity towards him, and likewise, his animosity towards her?

What does the will of the dragons have to do with any of it? (Dragons don't have an organized society here thus far, any 'will of the dragons' would be likely limited to one specific dragon perhaps)

What does she mean about being in the way?

I think it would be better to simply cut that paragraph out rather than risk taking the character in further directions that don't have anything to do with the Mane RP we are trying to promote. As a Crossover character, he would likely be fine, but I am concerned that this character would not fit in our current model of Equestria.

After some of the staff have discussed it, we decided there probably aren't any slayer groups in Equestria. While there are monsters, they tend to stay away from towns/cities unless provoked. (The Manticore was found in the Everfree Forest, the Ursa Minor was lured to Ponyville by Snips and Snails, and the Hydra was in Froggybottom Bog.)

Also, I don't think there would be Druids in Equestria. They are essentially priests.

So, it doesn't really fit in the world of Equestria, seeing as there isn't really any religion at all. And there are only two deities, or rulers, which are Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.

hmmm taking this into consideration i guess it does seem a bit much as a history, and too many uncannon aspects...

and if i removed it all i would have to say about him is that he got nailed by a dragon, but i had this in there more as a feeling that he was betrayed...and that its made him have a constant reminder not to be as trusting...

however I could instead say that somepony tricked him into a dragons cave...

thus keeping his wing burnt and and the betrayal concept.

also im really appreciating all the feedback im getting :grin:

as for the slayer group bit,

hmm, well yea that could be removed i guess... doesn't wield too much importance in his back-story.

so ill remove that chunk of the story overall,

and replace with something along the lines of:

"A warm summer evening, as Atomos was wondering through a forest. A stranger approached him, in panic and asked for assistance. unaware of the strangers intentions, he said he would see what he could do. They approached the massive cave, and the stranger told; "you have to help my friend, hes trapped in there by some monster." Atomos, aware of it would likely dangerous, he could not stand by while there was a pony in need pony in need.

he entered the cave cautiously, and quietly, as he went deeper into the dark cave he had the air began to smell of smoke. around a rather large stagmite he saw a large amount of treasure. At first glance it seemed suspicious, he moved slightly forward when he heard something shift. like large shards of metal, scratching against stone. The hair on Atomos's back rose and he turned pale as he slowly began backing away, knowing the creature within the cave was far too powerful, and he was too ill prepared. when suddenly there was a large, violent howling noise coming from the entrance of the cave. The once asleep dragon woke from this howl, spotting Atomos, and let out a massive screeching roar.

The swift stallion flew quickly, but not quickly enough. as the dragon breathed a violent wave of fire in his direction, he tried to avoid the flames but it seared a large portion of his left wing. with what was left of his burning wing he flew as fast as he could, crash landing in a river. the dragon circled the forest continually, but after not having found the stallion after some time he gave up and went back to his cave.

some hours later Atomos woke up on a river bank. with a burnt wing and weak energy he slowly began making his way back to the sky village...

laying down after a few hours of hiking, he looked back at his wing, seeing it was burnt to a deep, black crisp. he began feeling empty, from both the pain, and the loss of his wing. First tearing up, weeping and then crying in agony into the deep night. as the sun rose early that next morning he set out for the sky city."

or is that too cliche'?

Bus? Hahaha, I doubt we have any of those way out here in the middle of nowhere. And yeah, I'll probably take pics when I get the set. :smile:

Bus? Hahaha, I doubt we have any of those way out here in the middle of nowhere. And yeah, I'll probably take pics when I get the set. :smile:

well i aint got bus's in my town, so i gotta bike to the nearest station xD

yea, i wonder what it'll look like XD

http://wouldyoulikea...aby.tumblr.com/

I decided to give the Tumblr Pony thing a shot myself. I could use a creative writing excercise.

i got a tumblr thing too,

but i dident wanna advert it in this forum cause its not very important,

but cool i think ill ask ya somethin sometime.

Point me in the direction of the hate and I can pull out this:

:grin:

HAHAHAH I've seen that gun before!!!

..

lol,....an epic weapon of epic proportions. XD

Closest Toys R Us is close to an hour away. So yeah, kinda expensive on the gas and what-not.

They do have the collectible Blind Bag pony set at their online store though. I plan on spending some money on that soon. :grin:

ever rode a bus?

its relatively cheap compared to riding a car, especially if the car eats alot of gas.

sooo i suppose its tastein transport init

and cool, you gonna post picts of awesome bag?

a quick, rant on my current problems.

girls,

y u no want to even look at me?

toys r us.

y u no have super mega pony kit in my country?

toys r us

y u 30 kilometers from my home?

rain,

y u only come when i ride bike to school?

father,

y u no respect my litte pony? i respect your hocky, your other crap too. its only fair you do the same for my interests.

YOUR GOING TO LOVE ME EVEN IF YOU DONT LIKE MY LITTLE PONY, DAD!

-ah after that short rant i feel much better :grin: *shot*

Why Target no have the molded pony toys? I don't want to buy your dang brushables! :C

*goes back to trying his luck at online stores*

Why Target no have the molded pony toys? I don't want to buy your dang brushables! :C

*goes back to trying his luck at online stores*

dude, try toys'r'us. they got quite a handfull of pony toys.

and considering season 2 is on its way they might boast up stock...

also if not try hasbro's online store, im pretty sure they might sell them.

Cool and crisp I can accept. The cold and misrably soggy we've been getting here I am less enthused about. Where's Rainbow Dash when you need her?

In Equestria, were she belongs. silly

sure it would be nice to have somepony to keep one dry in the morning, or help one with a path to school...

but whats life without challenges and failures?

just gotta keep going, keep pushing, and hope the cold you get isn't that bad...

-thats what i keep telling myself to get out of having to take a scooter/motorbike class, despite my fondness and trust for technology.... good god the thought of instantly dieing in a single crash is scary as fork.

here it has also begun to be cool, which is nice in mid day.

however in the morning when i bike to the bus stop for school its quite the pain...

as for the weather itself this week is nothing but pure rain showers, which i usually do enjoy....

....

well it doesn't help the biking to and from school...

neither do the devastating winds...

or the uphill

so practically its nice and soaked here

though all these things are a pain in the morning, i do enjoy it all in mid day.

I cant wait for the snow! its gonna be such fun to bike through!!!

My mistake. When I said bottle, I meant glass bottle. Those are harder to come by now. I know you can get the plastic bottle ones in just about any store, but the glass bottle cokes (when you can find them and open them up cold) taste fantastic.

oh yea the glass ones are extremely hard to get...

the way id see it is buy a plastic, and save the glass one, then pour the plastic into the glass bottle...

I've always loved plain old coca cola. especially when I could get it in the bottle. to bad they don't make those as readily available as they used to.

true, the cola bottles are far better then the can ones. im always afraid of cutting myself on the can

as for the availability, isn't it more a choice of store you buy it at? -here it is more a choice then a search in most stores-

hi hi

I refuse to read this story. Not even for science.

Same for myself. There's no point in reading it and I know I won't enjoy it, so why read it? I'd rather give my time to fanfics that are actually decent.

Like Spiderses.

well like said thats your opinions, but ive heard so much its just seemingly interesting...

but ill get round to reading it after homework of course...

I fear this fic. Cute cartoon ponies should not be doing...that.

...im sure its just overrated...but i suppose ill find out after i read it...

To find it, type "Cupcakes My Little Pony" into Google. One of the top options should be from Equestria Daily. Go to this page and you should find links to the story itself and related works.

This story is definitely not for everypony. I find it kind of disturbing myself, even if I'm also kind of amused by its existence in a strange way.

alright, ill give it a looksy then.

well I've had my fair share of disturbing incidences, so aside from potential nightmares i don't think it could go that bad XD

but i must say i wonder what its going to be like....

Spoilered: My full review and literary critique of Cupcakes.

This is just textbook gore with a preface. The story holds no psychological horror value for the reader, and thus, fails at what it sincerely tries to do.

The lack of a transition between Pinky Pie's canon personality and that presented here shatters the necessity continuity of character. The reader disassociates shortly after Rainbow Dash's waking. The scene should be stretched out much farther, and the nature of her reasons and mental state revealed to the reader in sequence. It would also have allowed time to reinforce the reader's attachment to both Pinky Pie's innocence and Rainbow Dash's freedom of self -- a sympathetic trait that, I will say, the author wisely built upon in the first paragraphs.

Those two things, in fact, are what would make this story truly disturbing (and enjoyable, for the psychologically masochistic among us), and should be focused on. Pinky Pie is innocent; the slip of her apparent character into the Hannibal-esque state that we discover she is in should be gradual relative to the unfolding of the story, and should painfully snag the reader's attention at each turn. There is already an uncomfortable return to the carefree Pinky Pie we know at the end of the story, and it would be much more effective if that gradual decent were more clearly emphasized.

Further, Rainbow Dash's freedom and the ways in which it is taken from her ought to be made very prominent. She begins the story entirely in her element: she is free, flying, and completely overjoyed; she is in total control of her situation, catching herself effortlessly as she flies toward the ground, and playing with the idea of even keeping her promise to Pinky Pie. Her freedom of body is revoked almost immediately upon her waking, but there is still room there for the injection of hope. The reader cannot maintain a real connection with her once her fate is made obvious by casual deduction of the genre and its tropes. No-one wants to invest emotionally in a character who they are essentially watching be butchered alive. Instead, there should be hope that Rainbow Dash can escape; there should be hope that Pinky Pie, not yet fully revealed to be as mad as she is, will sympathize and set her free; failing that there should be hope that she can break free from her restraints by her own will and strength; at the last, there should at least the vain hope of the destitute: the dying dreams of flying again, of having control of herself again. Ultimately, that hope should be dashed with the tearing away of her wings, which should itself be a more succinct event with significant impact. The following mental breakdown due to mixed hopelessness, drugging, and blood loss should be interspersed through the gory bits (or slapped right over them).

The idea should be to get the reader to sink with the proverbial ship, not to disgust them with the piece itself.

... Also, how do you cannibalize someone into a cupcake, anyway? Seems like that would just be nasty.

well that review certainly was fascinating, and with such conceptual knowledge im sure your more then capable of writing a really horrifying piece yourself.

but from what it sounds your saying that its not as scary as it could be, but more that its disturbing then it is horrific.

i do look forward to having a look at the story thought....

as for the cupcake cannibalism?

to do it you could simply cut them to piecies, mix it in the batter. and make cupcakes, it does seem quite sick, but maybe pinkie likes pony-cupcakes in the fanfic?

alright so across various tumblr's and threads I've heard of this story called merely the "cupcake story"

im faily sure its some fanfic about pinkie going banana's on some of the other mane cast...

however...

were do i find it? i am interested in reading it.

and then being scarred forever and having lovely dreams about it.

but seriously, were do you find it?

-also due to the pg-13 rule im not sure if the link is allowed to be posted :!:

-oh and id like to hear about other peoples opinions of the story.

update/edit:

Name - changed a tad

likes & dislikes - small edit

summary - edited quite a bit

history - pretty much a heavy edit, reworked most of it really, as well as splitting up the paragraphs( despite it looking decent, might undo this I'm kinda iffy about it), and added a small twist in the story, to make it more interesting to read.

It was in the Cutie Mark Chronicles episode. :S

Funny, i watched that twice and still i just figured that out now...

Rainbow Dash ALWAYS had rainbow hair and was fast. And, if you recall, Piknie's real name was Pinkamena Diane Pie. So her name is an alternation of her real name. Pinkie Pie has always been pink, and pie seems to be kind of like a last name would be in our world. But all along, her name alluded to her special talent-baking!

One Wing isn't a name somepony would give their child. And it wouldn't make sense, seeing as his wings were both healthy at birth. There isn't anything particularly wrong with a character going through a name change, but there should be reason behind it.

....

huh i never knew that about pinkie...

...

well ive been sleepin on as to why he would be called one wing,

best i could think of is it was the locals that started calling him as a kind of tease, and that he decided to stick with it maybe?

This is a cool concept for a character; however at this time we can't accept the character as is for Mane RP as he is now, but he still be playable as a Crossover character. If you still intend to play this in a Mane RP, we'll need to have a few changes made and smoothed out because of the rules associated with the Mane Rp which is more stricty bound to the themes of the show.

Giving a character unique powers imbalances the OC away from the Mane RP. Right now for the Mane RP we have it established that only unicorns have the ability to cast any spells at all, at least until it is established otherwise in the show. This goes true also for forbidden magic and dragon curse, unless they are introduced into the show. The crossover RP though do not have these restrictions.

As for his name, it really should be a nickname rather than his real name, as his parents would not named him "One Wing" as he was born with two. Instead the name can be something everyone calls him now because of the loss of the wing, but he would still have some other "true name" that his folks gave him.

yeap i thought it would come to something like that,

well i do want to "mane" rp,... and that whole magic thing isent really important,

so ill just change-or rather remove- that and get that factor, out of the way.

as for the name thing,

well ive been sleepin on as to why he would be called one wing,

best i could think of is it was the locals that started calling him as a kind of tease, and that he decided to stick with it maybe?

~fixing time~

”Occupation: Traveling slayer”

What does he slay?

“he prefers to avoid showing off, but does the occasional demonstration when he finds it appropriate”

What is it that he has to show off?

”He set out on an adventure to find his cutie mark, and after slaying his first massive beast he gained it, as it required both herbalist skills and quick thinking.”

Where/when did he learn herbalist skills?

”the tree told him he had also gained new mystical abilities. He was now capable of using weak magic/spells.”

So far in show, Unicorns have been the only type of pony able to use magic. Pegasi and Earth ponies also have their own set of 'magic' though. Pegasi can walk on and move clouds and control the weather. Earth ponies are more in touch with the earth and the animals.

We'll have to run this part by Manestream when she's available.

”After he learned of this, he traveled back to the sky village training these knew powers. where he remained for some years.”

How did One Wing get to the sky village if he couldn't fly anymore?

And what was One Wing called before he had just one wing? You have a good start, but there are still some unanswered questions. :smile:

thanks for the feedback!

...I'm not sure how i over saw those parts several times though...curse my logic... :!:

well ill get straight to improving it,

as to answer the questions -so i got something to work with when i edit it-

i assume that a sky city would have transportation for non-pegasi, perhaps he was assisted by friends? maybe there was a ladder? heck maybe he had a pet gargoyle that took him up and down, maybe he rode a blasted cloud car(joke) for all we know!!!.....i should make a full note pad list before i make a specific choice though

as for the bit about the "magic"

the concept behind letting him get it was so he could do the more passive side of his set, without as much difficulty.

ever tried mixing potions with hooves? .... i don't think its easy.

but it probably would be wise to have manestream look it over when she has time and is bored.

well why was rainbow dash called rainbow dash? why was pinkie pie called pinkie pie? whyd they call granny smith granny smith? was she always a granny?

In the the original "one wing" concept his origin name was Atem, but i thought it was a bit much to add onto the already big massive pile of things.

"what does he slay"

well, ever heard of the term "slayer"?

its like a occupation, sort of, "slayers" specialize in slaying monsters which usually require special tools or knowlage to rid of,

such as; cockatrice's, basilisks, living slime, giant invincible winged boars, jelly monsters banshees. stuff like that, but also normal threats...

though the occupation itself is from various rpg games i used to play...

so i usually refer to it as someone who knows "how" to deal with most things. like a fighting monster encyclopedia

though this doesn't mean he can instantly kill everything, it means he knows when to be brave, and when to be a scoot-scootaloo(chicken)

~long story short; it pretty much is meant to mean that hes smarter around monsters then the average pony.

.... didn't i write he was privately tutored? i could have sword...

similar with the show off bit, i could of sworn I've removed it like twice now... maybe the code is trolling me again...

*ehm*

but anyways thanks for the feedback, and ill get working on alot of it right away ^^

gibberish that i felt like saying out of tired brain fluids:

-good gosh i let my mouth run too much when its around 3 am

-oh and in the case you forget why i wrote this after you read it; i answered the questions to have material to work with when i edit

-and ill write a update reply/post when I've updated the app, this here post/reply is more of a reminder for when I'm awake...and to potentially answer some questions...

update/fixes/changes:

fixed/ removed:

removed chunks of side whisper

removed random code which randomly spawned for no reason.

changed/updated:

added a bit about one of his "envies" at the end at the summary

"spiced" the history a bit, no major changes but i fixed some grammar, rewrote some bits. conceptually its still the same though.

feedback would be much obliged :grin:

Prrrrooooooobably not as to avoid confusion for the staff on who has and hasnt been approved; but if you've got an app in the works right now and its a functional character and your putting time into it, then I imagine it will be approved long before the race is over- so they could always cheer from whatever point on the race is at.

good 2 hear that things are in order like so,

and ok then,

i look forward to potentially participating ^^

well this certainly will be interesting!!

especially with all the factors involved with the race, and how there will be spectators as well,

i can only hope my character gets approved in time, either to cheer or race either one

but out of curiosity,

are non approved characters going to be allowed to cheer/spectate?