Brony-Vas-Normandy

The thread has been slow, I leave for a day, and you make twenty more pages?

I read through them all.

I like to be in-the-know.

I've made a New Year's resolution to finally get a job. I've been trying, but I haven't really put all I can behind it.

I did do one thing good for New Year's already, though. I got my Mom to agree to quit smoking on the first of January if I promise to go to college. I was already planning on going anyway, but she doesn't need to know that.

Thank you, Conor. And it was with such a classy post, too.

I'm in the need for a sad fanfic. Already read Bittersweet.

Final Dream of a Filly is a sad one. I think I've mentioned this one here before.

Don't worry, the feeling that life is meaningless will go away a few days after reading it.

OH MY CELESTIA. I got post 11000 with that, and I wasn't even trying.

You were being vague. I had to poke fun at that.

I should have it ready sometime tonight, it's taking a little longer than I would've liked.

Ah Normandy there you are

So....hows 'you know what' coming along?

I'm waiting for the shipment from the adult superstore to come in, after that the video should be ready.

Here's my sick '83 Ranger!

I thought you drove a mustang?

Did someone say General Motors thread?

^My amazing Grand Am.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.....

*whistles*

Sorry I'm late, I ate dinner between chapters

Anyway...

Spoilered because wall o' text.

Before I say anything, I want you to know that if I do say something that sounds rude, it's completely unintentional. I'll try to approach your weak points as nicely as possible.

I like the story line so far. And that's saying something, because I usually don't read anything that doesn't make it on Equestria Daily.

Another thing you're doing great so far is keeping the Mane 6 in character. All of their dialogue and behavior sounds the way it would be in-show.

...and now for the weak points.

The biggest problem I have with it is the fourth wall breaking. You're writing in a third-person style, but occasionally add narrative that takes it into a kind of half-second-person style. When the reader has to keep changing between the two, it breaks them away and reminds them they're reading a story, and not actually spectating.

Example:

“Cupcakes?” Chris said as his mind recalled a rather ‘horrifying’ form of literature he had read in the past (which I will not name), “Uh..sure, I’d love one actually!” Chris said with a reassured smile.

The sentence starts out in third-person, but suddenly, out of nowhere, you make an interjection that brings it into a narrative second-person perspective.

The other weak point I'll mention here is the grammar. I know not everybody gets grammar perfect, but there are a few simple rules you can follow to make sure only minor mistakes show through. I had to turn my grammar-nazi alarm off because the ringing in my ears was starting to hurt.

If you want more than that, I'll need a little while to write a formal review of your progress so far. Once again, none of this was intended to be rude in any way.

Yep.

Oh, and I was going to wait 'till chapter 2 came out to start reading, so I'll need a link to chapter 1 as well.

Of course!

I in serious debate with myself whether I should post my stories on FIMFICTION.....

Everyone else seems to be doing it but....

What if nobody like what I write?

What if everyone's a jerk there?

I can't decide and it's literally tearing me apart

>Loving and tolerating people

>Not jerks

I've never seen any rude comments on FiMFiction. Besides, if you don't face criticism, you'll never learn where you're good and bad, and you'll never be able to face the imminent haters everypony gathers when they become more recognized.

wat.

Skyrim.

Been playing all day. Don't know why I suddenly started playing so much, but I haven't left my room all day except to eat.

Oh, look! A vroom-vroom!

*Puts on shades*

Somepony...pass me the key.

*passes a key*

Sorry, all I have is the key to a beat-up '98 Chevy Astro. Have fun with that.

I noticed. I'm no longer getting notifications for this topic. Seems the thread's broken, or something.

Probably shouldn't have cracked the foundations with all of the bombs.

This is what I get for living in the middle of nowhere.

EDIT: Even though it's this slow, I still have a bandwidth limit of 475 Megabytes a day.

If I want to download anything bigger than that, I have to wait 'till one in the morning when the the download limit is lifted for five hours.

Sleep is the best time to lose important appendages.

Why do I always walk in at the wrong time?

...

...

Or is this the right time?

...

...

Nope, it's the wrong time.

Maybe, maybe not.

But there is a major disaster to come.

Sulvuss and Dusty are planning to love-spam again. When that day comes, I expect you to answer the call.

The survival of the thread, and the future of our lost Empire depend on it.

Yes they were. We've become lax in our positions of power.

I remember a time when all feared the might of the Empire. We could kill Fawkes, and destroy Tenkan's tank...

Now nopony ever even mentions the Empire. It's like it's a lost blight on the world, forgotten, buried under pages and pages of love-spam and applebucking.

Maybe our time will come again, Conor.

One can only hope.

Yes... Become distracted by the cookies...

Fawkes is not one you can reason with. His mind is broken.

Some might say that's a good thing. If he was whole, he'd be a far greater threat than he is.

He would also be kind of boring, most likely.

Confetti bombs are what you use after people don't take your serious business face seriously.

I always try to settle conflicts peacefully at first.

Now how 'bout some milk and cookies?

Indeed it was.

One cannot proclaim victory without a proper throne, and broken dreams are the best way to show you mean business.