Unicorn Thunder Stroke [Ready]

[mjt014]

Roleplay Type: World of Equestria

Name: Thunder Stroke

Sex: Male

Age: Older Colt

Species: Unicorn

Eye colour: Golden-Brown

Coat: Chocolate-Brown

Mane/Tail: Has a mane and tail as black as a beautiful night. His mane is brushed back in a style that looks like it has been blown back by the wind. His tail is of a similar style.

Physique: He is the average height of the average mare, but well built.

Residence: Canterlot

Occupation: Artist

Cutie Mark: His Cutie Mark consists of a paint palette containing the colours red, green, blue, and yellow. The finishing touch is a paintbrush in front of the palette. One day when Thunder was a little foal attending Magic Kindergarten, He was practicing his magic in the backyard of his house. He woke up a little early in the morning to get a head start. He tried to levitate a large crate, but couldn't. After so many tries, Thunder decided to give up as he walked to the steps and sat on them. He had a depressed look on his face due to all the failed attempts. His mother opened the door to see her son with a sad look on his face. She asked him what was wrong and he told her that he was trying to levitate something heavier than apples, balls, and other small things, but he couldn't. He said that he will never be a great unicorn and will never be able to find his talent. His mother lay a hoof on his small back as he looked up to her, seeing her smile and the warmness in her eyes. She told him that he will be a great unicorn and that he had to believe in himself. She said to wait for the talent to come to him. Her words sparked hope and belief in him as he got up with a reassured smile on his face. Thunder gave his mother a big hug, telling her 'Thank you Mother'.

When he was finishing embracing her, his mother told him to get ready for his first day at Magic Kindergarten. Thunder nodded as his went to get the stuff he needed and walked off with a wave from his mother and father. He was shy at first when entering the classroom, but the teacher helped him to his seat. It came to the time where the little ponies would draw and paint. Thunder stood in front of a canvas with paint below it. He levitated the brush into the paint and started to paint. His strokes were smooth and steady; His concentration was superb. The teacher told everypony to put their brushes down, so she could see their work. As she walked around the classroom, the paintings she saw were cute and simple, considering the students are all foals. When finally walked to Thunder's painting. She was speechless for a moment, but manage to say that Thunder's painting was absolutely amazing. She complemented on his strokes, the texture, colour, and of course, the style. That moment, Thunder had realized that he had a gift. He was a natural artist. He figured out what his mother was trying to tell him. She wanted for him to focus on what he does best and that is art. A sudden flash appeared on his flank as he looked down to see. To his surprised Thunder has gotten his Cutie Mark. The young foal was so happy as well as the class as they congratulate him. After his first day at Magic Kindergarten, the young foal ran home to quickly show his parents his Cutie Mark. The both gave him a big hug. Thunder thanked his mother for giving him the hope and belief to get his Cutie Mark in the first place. Since that day, Thunder has thought about being a great artist.

History: Thunder was born in Canterlot, the center of ponydom. He had friends growing up, because of his social nature. He would give them a hello when he sees them. They would play sports, talk, or walk to a hangout of their own. Thunder would try to be the voice of reason if problems arise among them. His mother is a beautiful unicorn. She is very caring towards her children, whom she loves very much. Thunder would spend much time with her. She would sometimes worry about him due to him being her first born and his innocent nature. His father an amazing pegasus. They would bond on the things stallions would do, such as hoofball and exercise. They would also talk about the tricks his father did when he was a young colt. Thunder and his little brother would do everything together. They always did since they were foals, from playing sports to playing in the park. Thunder's little sister looks up to him. He was her inspiration to be an 'A' student at her magic school. He would helped his brother tuck her in bed sometimes and he would lull her to sleep with a bedtime story.

Ever since the day he got his Cutie Mark, Thunder has more confidence in himself and is more courageous now. Reading so many books in his younger days gave Thunder plenty knowledge on Equestria. He has always been a little shy, but has become more social towards other ponies. In his studies, he ready about relationships with other ponies and came across the relationship of friendship. He knows what friendship is, especially since he experienced it for himself. Thunder has always been a helpful colt. No matter how big, how small, or how ridiculous, he'll complete the offer for them. He, of course, has a temper, but it only happens when he's frustrated, exhaust, and/or over-worked. Other ponies would greet him with a hello happily. Thunder currently lives in Canterlot with his family, enjoying life, making new art each day with one inspiration after another.

Character Summary: Thunder's talent is that in art. He excels at drawing, painting, sculpturing, and other art as he first did with that painting on the day he got his Cutie Mark. He dreams of being a great artist and letting his creations being known throughout Equestria. Thunder can find inspiration anywhere when he desires to create a masterpiece. There hasn't been a moment yet where he couldn't find an idea. He likes being nice to other ponies. His kindness is often reflected upon with other ponies smiles. He'll do any favour for anypony, no matter how big, small, or ridiculous. If he sees a pony having trouble with something he'll be glad to help out. he dislikes when other ponies are hurt, especially his friends when they gets hurt. This is one of the things that will trigger his anger. Thunder has a big fear of spiders. When he was a foal and out in the wild he was surrounded by spiders. He cried until his mother and father came. Since that day, Thunder has been very afraid of spiders. Thunder is also very intellectual, due to reading many books.

Thunder is kind and thoughtful towards others. Putting their needs and problems before his. He's also helpful and caring. He'll help out anypony with a problem no matter what kind is presented to him. He'll also take any favour anypony asks of him. He will do it, no matter how big, how small, how simple, or how ridiculous. Thunder has a cool and collected personality and is able to remain calm in certain situations. However, he can become panicky when a situation takes a turn for the bad or for worse. He will sometimes assume the worse case scenario or become so worried he doesn't know what to think. Thunder may have a chill personality, but he has a temper like other ponies. It's really hard to get him angry. If he is frustrated, exhausted, and /or over-worked he will become fierce, getting a furious look in his eye. This can happen when his friends are hurt as well. He will raise his voice and lecture that pony on what their doing is wrong or tell them enough is enough. He will then storm off to a nice quiet place to cool off and reflect on his words. Despite his temper, He's a wonderful and innocent colt. He will always apologize for his anger and do anything to make up for it as he will return and make amends for the pony he yelled at and explain why he did it. He would answer any questions from them as well as he can and help out with any problem. He's very social and friendly towards others. It makes it easy for him to make friends.

Overall, Thunder is a calm,collected, artistic unicorn who makes a great friend.

Image:

[Gerrard]

I looked over this application and I can see that you put a lot of work into it. That being said though, this forum stays as close to established canon as possible. Unicorns don't have weather magic because that is pegasus territory. The only time it occurred was with the alicorn amulet.

That being said, you might have a better time defending it if you came up with a reason for him to have such a dangerous spell. It especially would not be allowed if your magic would be used against other characters.

I would suggest coming up with reasons for his magic aside from being a wizard. This forum is more about character interaction than displays of power or showmanship. If you need tips or direction, just ask

[Bellosh]

Howdy there, mjt014. You have a good start with your character application here; with some touch up work, I have full confidence that this app can be approved for use in World of Equestria!

The most glaring issue I see with your OC app is that his history and abilities resemble those of Twilight Sparkle too closely. Twi is the only pony in the show-canon who's talent is mastery of all magic spells, and this is reflected in our board-canon by having her the only pony capable of being an Alpha-class unicorn. Needless to say, Thunder Strike is overpowered for WoE RP and thus will need severe limits placed on his magic ability. Namely, your OC can only achieve mastery in one type of advanced spell (along with using the standard unicorn spells like levitation). Additionally, way less attention should be placed on his magic ability and more on his personality and how he fits into Equestrian society.

The other thing I must point out is your OC's shyness. While shy characters are fine and dandy, people who app them must take into account how such OCs end up making friends; otherwise, other RPers won't have an idea as to how their characters can befriend yours. Also, your claim that your character is shy while also always being willing to help out anyone on a whim sounds contradictory; somepony used to helping out others constantly will not have issues approaching other ponies, while shy ponies won't be too eager to lend aid to others.

Aside from those big issues, you have a very good framework for your OC which is well-suited for additional development. Follow our advice, and this app will be well on its way to approval.

[mjt014]

I'll get started on editing it right away.

[mjt014]

I have finished editing it.

[Bellosh]

Alrighty, I see that some improvement has been made; always good to see. However, I don't feel like you have yet to rectify the following issue:

The most glaring issue I see with your OC app is that his history and abilities resemble those of Twilight Sparkle too closely. Twi is the only pony in the show-canon who's talent is mastery of all magic spells, and this is reflected in our board-canon by having her the only pony capable of being an Alpha-class unicorn. Needless to say, Thunder Strike is overpowered for WoE RP and thus will need severe limits placed on his magic ability. Namely, your OC can only achieve mastery in one type of advanced spell (along with using the standard unicorn spells like levitation). Additionally, way less attention should be placed on his magic ability and more on his personality and how he fits into Equestrian society.

I just want to make this clear to you: magic should be the absolute last thing you should worry about in your character app. As it still stands, you place too much emphasis on how important magic is to your character than what is permissible in WoE. On the show itself, Twilight Sparkle is the only pony we ever see who has an all-encompassing desire to learn and practice magic for its own sake. Every other unicorn we see on the show uses magic only as a means to an end, like Rarity (uses levitation to aid her dressmaking), Trixie (a traveling performer skilled in stage tricks), and Vinyl Scratch (her equipment needs to be powered via magic). In the spirit of the cartoon series, Thunder Strike should aspire to do something with his life other than just "learn magic"; he should be interested in a profession like science, engineering, theater, and what-not.

Of course, if you still want to have your character devoted to magic, you are free to change the app's Roleplay type over to Crossovers. In CO, you will have the freedom to use Thunder Strike in any way you deem fit without the constraints imposed by WoE. By switching over to CO, you won't have to make any additional changes to your app.

[mjt014]

Well, I'll have to think about it.

[mjt014]

I've thought about it and decided to continue on editing Thunder's profile, and I've figured out a new talent and what he can do.

[Bellosh]

Thank you for seeing the need to have your character skilled in a talent an average unicorn is likely to be skilled in. However, you will need to remove the sentences that I've marked in red before we can proceed further with your app:

History: Thunder was born in Canterlot, the center of ponydom, like his brother, Flare Chaser. [colour=#ff0000]Ever since he was a young foal he has always been interested in the forces of magic.[/colour] [colour=#ff0000]The known names in the history of magic have inspired him to become a unicorn who helps ad protects others. He would practice to become more skilled. He was quite talented at such a young age. He even got his cutie mark on his first day of Magic Kindergarten.[/colour] Thunder had friends growing up, because of his social nature. They would play sports, talk, or walk to a hangout of their own. Thunder would try to be the voice of reason if problems arise. His mother is Moonlight Treasure, a beautiful unicorn. She is very caring towards her children, whom she loves very much. Thunder would spend much time with her. She would sometimes worry about him due to him being her first born and his innocent nature. His father is Northern Light, an amazing pegasus. They would bond on the things stallions would do, such as hoofball and exercise. They would also talk about the tricks he father did when he was a young colt. Thunder and his little brother, Flare would do everything together. They always did since they were foals, from playing sports to playing in the park. Thunder's little sister, Shine Bright looks up to him. He was her inspiration to be an 'A' student at her magic school. He would help Flare tuck her in bed sometimes and he would lull her to sleep with a bedtime story.

Ever since the day he got his Cutie Mark, [colour=#ff0000]Thunder has begun to believe in himself and his abilities a little more. However, he hits a bump at times when faced with something new or things other than magic.[/colour] Reading so many books gave Thunder plenty knowledge on Equestria and it's lore. He is a recent graduate in the Canterlot Magic School as an Beta Class Unicorn. He has always been a little shy, but has become more social towards other ponies. [colour=#ff0000]He spend much time perfecting his magical abilities.[/colour] In his studies, he ready about relationships with other ponies and came across the relationship of friendship. He knows what friendship is, especially since he experienced it for himself. Thunder has always been a helpful colt. No matter how big, how small, or how ridiculous, he'll complete the offer for them. He, of course, has a temper like his brother, but is far more difficult to become angry and has rarely seen angry. Thunder currently lives in Canterlot with his family, enjoying life and becoming more powerful with his magic each day.

Character Summary: Thunder's talent is that in art. He excels greatly at creating beautiful stars as he first did on the day he got his Cutie Mark and has a specialty of drawing. [colour=#ff0000]Thunder dreams of becoming a powerful unicorn in Equestria, like Star-Swirled the Bearded for example. He hopes for his magic to help and protect others from danger. He likes to go on adventures. His brother would follow him for some excitement. During his free time, he would read a books to find out something new. He likes to perfect the spells he's learned in school and his technique.[/colour] Thunder likes being nice to other ponies. He'll do any favour for them, no matter how big, small, or ridiculous. If he sees a pony having trouble with something he'll be glad to help out. he dislikes when his ponies are hurt, especially his friends when he gets any, because if his friends do get hurt, this is one of the things that will trigger his anger. Thunder has a big fear of spiders. When he was a foal and out in the wild he was surrounded by spiders. He cried until his mother and father came. Since that day, Thunder has been very afraid of spiders.

Thunder is kind and thoughtful towards others. [colour=#ff0000]He's a little prideful in his talent in magic, but not too prideful since it will stump his growth in the arcane arts[/colour]. He's also helpful and caring. He'll help out anypony, with a problem no matter what kind is presented to him. He'll also take any favour anypony asks of him. He will do it, no matter how big, how small, how simple, or how ridiculous. Thunder has a cool and collected personality and is able to remain calm in certain situations. However, he can become panicky when a situation takes a turn for the bad or worse. He will sometimes assume the worse case scenario or become so worried he doesn't know what to think. Thunder may have a chill personality, but he has a temper like his younger brother. It's really hard to get him angry. If he is pushed to his limit, he will become courageous and fierce. He gets a furious look in his eye, more furious than Flare. This can happen when his friends are hurt as well. Those who know Thunder well don't make him angry, he gets angrier than Flare. Despite his temper, He's a wonderful and innocent colt. He'll do any favour his friends would ask of him. He would answer any questions from them as well as he can and helped out with any problem. He's very social and friendly towards others. It makes it easy for him to makes friends.

Overall, Thunder is a calm and collected unicorn who makes a great friend.

In addition, your character's CM story has to be reworked so that it better incorporates your character's new talent. Remember that your OC shouldn't get his CM by demonstrating his magical prowess, but by realizing how much he wants to continue using his artistic talent.

[mjt014]

I removed the words in red and reshaped my OC's CM story. I've also put in a few other things.

[Rosewind]

Hi there! My name is Rose. I've been reviewing this application for final approval, but I'm afraid there are still more changes that must take place before this character will be ready. I'm sorry if we appear so nitpicky about your character design, but it is important to us to keep World of Equestria balanced by making sure characters are designed to compliment the roleplay environment it represents: slice-of-life-flavour Friendship is Magic roleplay. I have more red ink for you to look over, and consider changes for. Your written quality is good, we just require certain meanings or design choices to be clear. Remember this is strictly business, and this has nothing to do with you personally, or with our perception of your creativity. Let's begin.

Cutie Mark: [colour=#ff8c00]His Cutie Mark is a bright, yellow star with a lightning bolt inside surrounded by four smaller stars.[/colour] One day when Thunder was a little foal attending Magic Kindergarten, He was practicing his magic in the backyard of his house. He woke up a little early in the morning to get a head start. He tried to levitate a large crate, but couldn't. After so many tries, Thunder decided to give up as he walked to the steps and sat on them. He had a depressed look on his face due to all the failed attempts. His mother, [colour=#ff0000]Moonlight Treasure[/colour], opened the door to see her son with a sad look on his face. She asked him what was wrong and he told her that he was trying to levitate something heavier than apples, balls, and other small things, but he couldn't. He said that he will never be a great unicorn and will never be able to find his talent. His mother lay a hoof on his small back as he looked up to her, seeing her smile and the warmness in her eyes. She told him that he will be a great unicorn and that he had to believe in himself. She said to wait for the talent to come to him. Her words sparked hope and belief in him as he got up with a reassured smile on his face. Thunder gave his mother a big hug, telling her 'Thank you Mother'.

When he was finishing embracing her, his mother told him to get ready for his first day at Magic Kindergarten. Thunder nodded as his went to get the stuff he needed and walked off with a wave from his mother and father, [colour=#ff0000]Northern Light[/colour]. He was shy at first when entering the classroom, but the teacher helped him to his seat. It came to the time where the little ponies would draw and paint. Thunder stood in front of a canvas with paint below it. He levitated the brush into the paint and started to paint. His strokes were smooth and steady; His concentration was superb. The teacher told everypony to put their brushes down, so she could see their work. As she walked around the classroom, the paintings she saw were cute and simple, considering the students are all foals. When finally walked to Thunder's painting. She was speechless for a moment, but manage to say that Thunder's painting was absolutely amazing. She complemented on his strokes, the texture, colour, and of course, the style. [colour=#ff8c00]That moment, Thunder had realized that he had a gift with art. This realization caused a shine to appear on his flank. When the flash was over, in it's place was his Cutie Mark.[/colour] Thunder was so happy as well as the class as they congratulate him. After his first day at Magic Kindergarten, the young foal ran home to quickly show his parents his Cutie Mark. The both gave him a big hug. Thunder thanked his mother for giving him the hope and belief to get his Cutie Mark in the first place. Since that day, Thunder has thought about being a great artist.

This text is highlighted in orange because it doesn't need to be removed, but you might consider a change. Cutie Marks are special representations of a pony's talent, and the images have something to do with it. If your character's gift is with art, it should probably represent as much. Thunder/lightning says to me that he is fast or has some kind of affinity to electricity, speed, or power. I recommend you consider something else instead of a lightning bolt that represents his talents with art.

The named family is an issue, because you are effectively locking down four names from use by other players. I'll ask that you remove them, and just refer to them by their roles (mother, father, brother, sister). If you'd like, you may apply for those characters and make reference to them here once they are solidified applications. The reason we do this is to avoid any confusion of continuity or relations between characters.

History: Thunder was born in Canterlot, the center of ponydom, like his brother, [colour=#ff0000]Flare Chaser[/colour]. He had friends growing up, because of his social nature. He would give them a hello when he sees them. They would play sports, talk, or walk to a hangout of their own. Thunder would try to be the voice of reason if problems arise among them. His mother is Moonlight Treasure, a beautiful unicorn. She is very caring towards her children, whom she loves very much. Thunder would spend much time with her. She would sometimes worry about him due to him being her first born and his innocent nature. His father is Northern Light, an amazing pegasus. They would bond on the things stallions would do, such as hoofball and exercise. They would also talk about the tricks his father did when he was a young colt. Thunder and his little brother, Flare would do everything together. They always did since they were foals, from playing sports to playing in the park. Thunder's little sister, [colour=#ff0000]Shine Bright[/colour] looks up to him. He was her inspiration to be an 'A' student at her magic school. He would help Flare tuck her in bed sometimes and he would lull her to sleep with a bedtime story.

Ever since the day he got his Cutie Mark, Thunder has more confidence in himself and is more courageous now. Reading so many books gave Thunder plenty knowledge on Equestria. It also gave him a likeness towards reading to pass the time. He is a recent graduate in the Canterlot Magic School[colour=#ff0000] as an Beta Class Unicorn[/colour]. He has always been a little shy, but has become more social towards other ponies. In his studies, he ready about relationships with other ponies and came across the relationship of friendship. He knows what friendship is, especially since he experienced it for himself. Thunder has always been a helpful colt. No matter how big, how small, or how ridiculous, he'll complete the offer for them. [colour=#ff0000]He, of course, has a temper like his brother, but is far more difficult to become angry and has rarely seen angry[/colour]. [colour=#ff0000]The snobbish upper-class would insult him and would just brush it off.[/colour] If with his brother, they seem to back off and keep quiet, obviously, because they know how Flare gets. Other ponies would greet him with a hello happily. Thunder currently lives in Canterlot with his family, enjoying life, making new art each day with one inspiration after another.

We currently do not use the Alpha/Beta system to define a unicorn's talent or strength with magic. If you saw that written in an outdated lore area, my apologies. Please remove this. Be wary when looking over older roleplay documents. A lot of them feature ideas that were never approved, or are currently outdated by design.

How much anger are we talking about here? Remember World of Equestria is a peaceful roleplay. While we do have characters that may have tempers, giving too much focus to this is not conducive to the environment we wish to maintain. I recommend trying to find other personality quirks to make your character interesting, like aversion to the number "3" or a dislike of daffodils. The mention of the "snobbish upper-class insulting him" and causing your character anger issues doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Try for something more interesting.

Character Summary: Thunder's talent is that in art. He excels drawing, painting, sculpturing, and other art as he first did with that painting on the day he got his Cutie Mark. He dreams of being a great artist and letting his creations being know throughout Equestria. Thunder can find inspiration anywhere when he desires o create a masterpiece. There hasn't been a moment yet where he couldn't find an idea. He likes being nice to other ponies. His kindness if often reflected upon with other ponies smiles. He'll do any favour for anypony, no matter how big, small, or ridiculous. If he sees a pony having trouble with something he'll be glad to help out. he dislikes when other ponies are hurt, especially his friends when he gets hurt. This is one of the things that will trigger his anger. Thunder has a big fear of spiders. When he was a foal and out in the wild he was surrounded by spiders. He cried until his mother and father came. Since that day, Thunder has been very afraid of spiders.

Thunder is kind and thoughtful towards others. Putting their needs and problems before his. He's also helpful and caring. He'll help out anypony with a problem no matter what kind is presented to him. He'll also take any favour anypony asks of him. He will do it, no matter how big, how small, how simple, or how ridiculous. Thunder has a cool and collected personality and is able to remain calm in certain situations. However, he can become panicky when a situation takes a turn for the bad or worse. He will sometimes assume the worse case scenario or become so worried he doesn't know what to think. Thunder may have a chill personality, [colour=#ff0000]but he has a temper like his younger brother. It's really hard to get him angry. If he is pushed to his limit, he will become courageous and fierce. He gets a furious look in his eye, more furious than Flare.[/colour] This can happen when his friends are hurt as well. [colour=#ff0000]Those who know Thunder well don't make him angry, he gets angrier than Flare.[/colour] Despite his temper, He's a wonderful and innocent colt. He would answer any questions from them as well as he can and help out with any problem. He's very social and friendly towards others. It makes it easy for him to make friends.

Overall, Thunder is a calm,collected, artistic unicorn who makes a great friend.

You're comparing his anger to another character we know nothing about. We have no benchmark to compare this personality trait, and it takes focus away from your character. Remember your character should stand alone as a subject of his own merit in your application without a backup cast. We've already touched on the anger issues. I still see a very clear inspiration by Twilight Sparkle (the stars surrounding the cutie mark, love of books, strength in magic). While this is sort of okay by merit of vagueness, it's not something you want others to think when they're reading your application. We get a lot of characters inspired by Cast. This speaks well for the quality of the cast characters we know and love from Friendship is Magic, but remember your character should be a product of your own creation. The more unique you can make him -- and the less you borrow from other established characters -- the more interesting and higher quality he will be.

I know this is frustrating -- first time applications almost always are. I do appreciate that you're taking the time to work with us. This application is almost ready to go, it just needs a little more focus and tweaking before I'll be comfortable approving it. If you have any questions or need design help, there are already several Roleplay Helpers in this thread eager to give you further assistance. Thanks muchly!

[mjt014]

I did some tweaking, how does it look? If there is anything else I need to change, just let me know and I'll get right on it.

[Bellosh]

Howdy, I'm back! Just two things before I send this app to be evaluated for stamping. First, you should elaborate on how your OC's anger manifests itself. As Rosie mentioned above, WoE is a peaceful RP, and thus there are limits as to how characters can display their temper. Therefore, we want to make sure that your pony won't do anything too violent or doing something else that goes against the nature of what's seen in the show (and our RP by extension).

And now because the current version of your character is an artist, both the name of your OC and his enrollment in Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns no longer make sense for the type of OC your pony is. Remove the mention of Celestia's School, give your OC a more fitting name, and follow my recommendations in my first paragraph, and this app will be all fixed-up for good!

[mjt014]

What if I change his name to Thunder Stroke instead.

[Bellosh]

Thunder Stroke is available for use as a name.

[mjt014]

Thank you

[mjt014]

I've changed his name, took out the mention's of Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, and written how my character is when angry and added how he handles things when he's calmed down.

[Bellosh]

Okie dokie, just make sure you change the title of the thread to "Thunder Stroke" and I can send the app on its way.

[mjt014]

Ok

[Rosewind]

This character looks very good! Much, much better! Thank you for your effort, patience, and cooperation. I'm positive this character will be a welcome and fun addition to World of Equestria!

[mjt014]

Thank you Rosewind, I'm most certainly he will.