Story Feedback- Escape from Griffindor

[Sigg]

Hey everypony, I was just wondering if I could get some feed back on my story Escape from Griffindor - The Story of Helga Malwing.

This is my first "short story" and I wanted to get everypony's opinion to see what I should do or add to make it better. The story is still mostly incomplete, but is has a good 3-4 pages of writing right now. I just wanted to see how I did because I plan on doing many more short stories (maybe with a few of the OC characters here if you guys let me) in the future. So go ahead, tell me your opinions on the story, and don't be afraid to be critical of the plot, grammar, or anything else!

And for those of you who haven't read the story yet, here is a link; LINK

[Bramble Rose]

Oops... meant to put this here, not in the other location.

The writing is decent, but the subject itself needs some clarification...

When you're doing a story that's not set in the actual world of the subject material, you need to really make sure to express that ahead of time. In this case, you have a world that's not set in the Friendship is Magic world *or* in the Harry Potter world, despite being inspired by both. This makes it very difficult to figure out what's going on, especially when you keep throwing more and more stuff at us.

You have a city of Griffins, named after the Harry Potter house... but magic is scarce. And at first, you get the impression that magic is treasured and celebrated, but then you suddenly have a an angry mob crying, "Kill the witch!" Right there is such a confusion and bewilderment that it pulls the reader RIGHT out of the story.

At first, I was under the impression that this was in the Friendship is Magic world... which makes a reference to 'Griffindor' a bit odd... because the Harry Potter *house* is named after Gryphons. But we have the main cast in "Ponyville" so I can accept it, though I'd name the city Gryphondor, myself. But when we run into the hatred against magic, it makes it very obvious that this is not the Friendship is Magic world, and makes me confused how a Unicorn could ever have been there in the first place. Expecting the Friendship is Magic world... and then getting 'Kill the Witch!" ... is like walking outside this morning, as the cars are driving on past, and suddenly watching an angry mob with torches and pitchforks run past screaming, "Kill the Engineer!"

Second, you said that you know it's confusing. All right... what's the point of making it confusing? Why did you want it to be confusing? Confusion makes it difficult for people to 'get into' a story... which means you need a VERY good reason to make it confusing. In reading this, I didn't see a reason. A few extra sentences setting the scene, instead of leaving the reader in limbo, would have clarified a LOT.

The important part of writing is to make sure the reader understands the scene. Understands what's going on, right away - has a clear mental image. When you keep swapping back and forth, you know, in your head, what is being 'seen', but you don't tell the reader what's being 'seen'. This reads a lot more like the script to a cartoon ... because it depends strongly on visuals that the reader does not have access to.

And finally... hypogriffs are their own race. They're not half-breeds between unicorns and gryphons. So ... that kinda also confused me. I can see where a hypogriff is sorta like taking the 'eagle' part of the Gryphon and combining it with the 'horse' part of the unicorn... but ... it still makes me go, 'Huh?' Is she adopted, or are you really saying she's a crossbreed? It just brings up a whole *stablefull* of questions.

There's a few other things I could comment on, but I think this is the most important core of issues.

[Sigg]

Thanks for your commentary Bramble.

Yea, I've noticed a lot of people have been thinking Griffindor is a reference to harry potter. I actually never intended for it to be a reference. It just popped into mind when I had begun writing the story. I'm actually thinking of changing it because so many people are trying to make the connection between harry potter and the story when there is none. I'll probably get to editing that soon and change it to rockwington.

As for the story being confusing; it's not entirely complete yet. I still have a good few pages of material to add that brings the entire story together. As for how I wrote it and how it flashes between the past and present, that is merely an effect that I'd thought would help bring out the back story for my character and develop an interesting story. I guess it isn't really working. Once I'm done I might go back and put everything in chronological order. I hope to come back to this story and edit it too, once I develop my writing skills a bit more. Just to throw this one last thought out there; this is my first "short story" that I've written, so I didn't expect it to be great.

Now, on the subject of the hippogriff. This story was started on another pony form b y me, where we established that a hippogriff is the offspring of a griffin and a pony. I figured that that was a great plot device, and sorta just ran off with it. I guess I should have mentioned this before. I can change the story around to fit the ponyverse of this forum, but it may take some time for me to rethink and re-write parts of the story.

If you have any more to say about the story, go ahead. It will only make my story better in the long run.

[Bramble Rose]

If it wasn't intended to be a reference to Harry Potter, the magic-heavy attitude, and the 'half-blood' vs. 'full-blood' thing just further mudies the water...

And the back-and-forth can be fine, but ... you need to give a better idea of what's going on. If you just go back-and-forth without framing it, that just makes for confusion. You need a few extra sentences to *show* the reader what they're supposed to be seeing.

But the big thing I'm confused about is ...

If this is supposed to be the forum world, which is the world of Friendship is Magic, which is a world where magic is EVERYWHERE ...

...

...

...

What in blazes are they doing screaming 'Burn the Witch'?!?!??!!!??

[Sigg]

I'll keep the sentence thing in mind as I go back to review the story.

As for the "burn the witch" thing and the hatred towards Helga, it's because she is in a griffin city. Griffin's aren't know to be the most accepting creatures in the world, or at least how we've discussed it. I think things might be clarified if you read this thread; viewtopic.php?f=22&t=429

As well, for the hippogriff thing from earlier, here is a quote from Ashi from the creature thread;

Okay, let's see..

Griffin + Pony = Hippogriff

Hippogriff + Griffin = Griffin -OR- Hippogriff

Hippogriff + Hippogriff = Hippogriff

Hippogriff + Pony = Hippogriff -OR- Pony

This is how I see it working. Very clean cut and to the point.

[Bramble Rose]

Uuhhhhh...

I see nothing there about them being violently and ridiculously and lethally opposed to the main driving force in their world: Magic.

[Sigg]

Uuhhhhh...

I see nothing there about them being violently and ridiculously and lethally opposed to the main driving force in their world: Magic.

It's a mixture of things that made them all turn on her. She's a hippogriff, which already puts here low on the list of tolerated creatures in the Raptorclaw canyon. Next, her parents were a griffin and a unicorn, which puts a lot of the local society at a disposition against her family due to the "unorthodox" union. She can also use magic, which sets her away from griffin society because griffin's can't use magic. This lead to a sort of underline jealousy between her peers. As well, there is a general fear of her from society due to the fact that most griffins in her area do not know of magic. Now, the next few things I haven't put in the story yet, but they will be coming up. In the up coming part of the story, Helga will get her cutie mark. Since griffins don't have a cutie mark, this further set her out as an outcast. As well, the ominous nature of the cutie mark (it being a pentagram) will (further)instill the idea that she is a witch or something along those lines. The last part that will tie everything together into the mob is the outbreak of a strange illness or some accident (I'm not sure which one I'll use yet). This will point the mob to believe that Helga is a witch and is behind the accident/illness, and they'll try to capture her and do to her what Salem, Massachusetts did during the witch trials.

I hope this clears things up a bit more.

[Bramble Rose]

um...

Griffons *do* have magic... as much magic as pegasi. They can control weather in the same fashion.

And magic is the primary motivator in the world...

and they'll try to capture her and do to her what Salem, Massachusetts did during the witch trials.

Ignore her and accuse the wealthy landowners who bought off their land?

[Sigg]

um...

Griffons *do* have magic... as much magic as pegasi. They can control weather in the same fashion.

And magic is the primary motivator in the world...

and they'll try to capture her and do to her what Salem, Massachusetts did during the witch trials.

Ignore her and accuse the wealthy landowners who bought off their land?

Not the literal sense. What the general public thought, that the people where witches. It was the best example I had at the moment. Also, according to Ashi and Fidley, Griffins have no magic at all. Nothing.

[Bramble Rose]

Huh. OK, I see what you're saying, now. Well, that seems to violate what I've seen on the show, but I'm moving the discussion over to that thread, since it's a matter of how the boards are being determined more than how you wrote it.

I still think that even as such, 'burn the witch' is a bit bizarre in a world that is dominated by magic as Equestria is... but I do see where you're getting that from, now.