zeodra14 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2015 please do tell if the changes did not satisfy you, i may have changed more than i should of but just tell me if you like the old jay, i saw a few holes in his background story and it didn't quite click with his history, power, personality, cutie mark, passion and cutie mark origin, Hopefully this is better but it really is up to you to decide Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelEagle Posted April 21, 2015 Report Share Posted April 21, 2015 I still need you to actually work on the grammar. As a hint, look at the difference between the two:You have way too many commas in use, You should instead use periods because that is how you end a sentence, If you use commas it reads like one long run-on sentence that is hard to read, Part of your application is showcasing that you can play with others and it won't be difficult for them to understand you, Do you understand what I am asking you to do now? ----You have way too many commas in use. You should instead use periods because that is how you end a sentence. If you use commas it reads like one long run-on sentence that is hard to read. Part of your application is showcasing that you can play with others and it won't be difficult for them to understand you. Do you understand what I am asking you to do now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeodra14 Posted April 21, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2015 I see ...everything is done please do tell me if i made progress :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelEagle Posted April 23, 2015 Report Share Posted April 23, 2015 You're getting better with every pass, but you still need to do a lot of work in terms of editing this for grammar. My suggestion is simply to spend the time and read this from top to bottom for grammar. It is better than last time but you have a long way to go in that regard. Take this for example:" Before he could be conceived he was saved by the zebras in his tribe after an incident his father caused exposing his true nature his father was stripped of his dark magic and was banished, They kept Scarlet isolated from everypony else knowing that the foal she carries holds dark magic as well they thought of killing him after his birth but because of his father's doing they couldn't."- I have bolded so you can see the comma easier. You need a period here. You end this all with a period, so good job there. " The dark magic inside him was never actually extracted from him because of this he could survive lightning bolts and harness their raw energy to fly faster but due to the Raw power given by the electricity this could quickly strain his body Because only Unicorns can control these powers from inside, If he chooses to stay in this state of power within 1 minute or so he could die."- This is a fragmented sentence of great magnitude. I need you to edit this not for content, but for grammar and basic readability. If I hand someone this app they may not understand who your character is because they may have a difficult time reading it. Editing for grammar is something well have to do so I know it is annoying, but it is also something we must all do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeodra14 Posted April 23, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2015 Ok I think i have something in mind...i'm suppose to make it readable, light and fun at the same time... Ok Ok!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelEagle Posted April 23, 2015 Report Share Posted April 23, 2015 Yep! That way people can actually get a good sense of the fun character you are writing. I know you can do it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeodra14 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2015 I've changed some of them and added a few ( not really that ) necessary parts in to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelEagle Posted April 24, 2015 Report Share Posted April 24, 2015 It is still not ideal, but you've come a very long way. Just make sure when you are roleplaying in CC that you make sure to keep your posts readable and grammatically correct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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