The Exchange: My NaNoWriMo project

[Inkwell]

I've been writing out a fic that's been in my head for quite a while now, as National Novel Writing Month has given me the perfect excuse for it. As of today, I've finished the first chapter!

You can read it here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KRIZrSDTVuqjmef8_tcAG1YpJWUnIlDt_fNyy-2ytZ0/edit?hl=en_US

Let me know what you like about it and what could use improvement. I won't be going back and editing old chapters until I reach fifty thousand words, but once that's done I'm perfectly willing to revise things.

[Inkwell]

Heh. It's been a while since I really visited this topic, hasn't it?

Oh well. Here are the next chapters:

https://docs.google....4/edit?hl=en_US

https://docs.google....Q/edit?hl=en_US

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BKRNgCowiRtHS8Mmab1oD0tu0bweHyPlSsdt5C0qzXk/edit?hl=en_US

I'd be grateful for any comments in this thread, especially if it has advice on how to make this better.

[Xiee]

I always enjoy reading these Inkwell. Love the way you write.

[Bramble Rose]

Hey there, Inkwell. Finally responding.

You already know my thoughts on the basic premise. That in mind, it's done fairly well. I am assuming that James is from an alternate earth that never had My Little Ponies?

The writing is descriptive - you do a good job of evoking images in people's minds as you write. You also often use other senses, which always helps draw the reader in.

Now, the longer part, sadly, is always the details of "Here's the things I'd suggest re-looking at."

Part 1:

Horse shoes? The only shoes we've really seen them wear are more like boots. Also, their hooves don't seem to be *hard* so much as soft and sensitive - we've seen them in pain, we've seen them wrinkle up in water.

AJ seems to be thinking of money first, then her family - it should be the other way around. Family first, and money is just how she takes care of them. The priority is hard work - the profit is the icing. I do like how that part was worded, though - it flowed very nicely.

"Applebuck Season" isn't AJ's own personal nickname - it's the entire Apple Family's.

Pinkie Amuses me. Especially as an ambulance siren. Nicely done, especially since you got the point across without ever stating that she sounded like a siren. Good job there - if you revise these at all, make sure you don't change that part, and don't explain it.

The term 'handwritten' is tricky. hoofwritten? Except they don't write with their hooves...

Why is Equestrian different from English? It doesn't quite make sense that it's a different language - a lot of the puns wouldn't *work* in a different language.

A little too much time was spent explaining the mechanics of doing things with the mouth. One doesn't need to explain that someone can do something because they have an 'especially dextrous tongue and mouth' - they use their mouth like it's a hand. That's just part of the world.

I laughed when Pinkie said Inkwell was talking like 'Bleh Bleh Bleh'. That was great.

[Bramble Rose]

Part 2:

You mentioned grad school ... I assume you mean grade school?

Twilight: An early bloomer? Your description of her contradicts her cutie mark story.

GREAT JOB HERE: I loved how Pinkie broke the fourth wall fanfic style.

BUT RUINED: BIG PROBLEM. Inkwell saying, "It's like she was trying to start a montage." You *explained the joke*. Don't explain the joke! Nooooo, no no no!

I also felt that Rarity was treated a little unfairly. Whenever someone makes something she doesn't like, in the show, she puts on a brave smile and tries to find something good to say about it. She's never ripped apart someone's hard work to their face, ever. She goes out of her way to be generous in her comments.

Part 3:

I was a little hesitant about your portrayal of Rainbow Dash at first - she's very responsible about her weather duties. She has to be, in order to be promoted to the leadership position she's in. However, it's not that bad.

You overdid her 'rainbow trail' a bit. She doesn't *always* leave a rainbow trail behind her, and it's really more of a 'speed blur' effect than anything else, unless she's actually Sonic Rainbooming.

Drunk Inkwell is writing, not typing nor talking ... the drunk-text you did was typo-drunk text. i and o get interchanged because they're next to each other on a keyboard, not because someone writing while drunk would make that mistake. Letters get swapped around because of fumbling fingers on a keyboard - it's a lot harder to do when writing.