Starfox64x Posted January 1, 2012 Report Share Posted January 1, 2012 (UPDATE: I'd really like some feedback, (Mostly on the story itself, not grammatically) I really think it's a good story, and i really want to continue writing it, but i don't like that i'm not hearing anything back from anybody about it... If anybody enjoys reading fanfics please give it a look? )So i got this idea for a story a while back, pre season 2, and i wanted to start writing it down. i'm well into the 6th chapter, but i havent been getting much feedback other than grammatically... I was hoping that i coudl get a little bit more feedback if anyone has some time to read it.http://www.fimfictio...ar-over-the-Sunsummery: The dragons living on the other side of the world believe that Celestia's power is too great, and they deserve that power more than she does. she has no authority over the dragons land, and yet she controls the glowing sun that keep them warm during the short days, leaving them to shiver in the cold, unforgiving nights. Their plan is to kill her, and receive the warm rays of the sun for eternity.Can the mane six protect the ponies of Equestria, along with their princess? So it's mostly focuses on the mane six as they try to figure out their role in the fight, and how their original ideas with what will happen get turned upside down as things get more dangerous. I'm trying to get a little time to focus on each character and how they change over time, and so far i think it's working out well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 3, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 3, 2012 Updated recently... I'd really like some feedback, (Mostly on the story itself, not grammatically) I really think it's a good story, and i really want to continue writing it, but i don't like that i'm not hearing anything back from anybody about it... If anybody enjoys reading fanfics please give it a look? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Ok I read chapter 1 and looked over Chapter 2 - I need more time to make a cup of coffee and sit down and digest it completely. I liked it - Certainly is a departure from the more light hearted candy coated nature of the series and takes it into a darker more serious venue.I liked your interactions in chapter 1 with twilight and spike - I really feel those were spot on - i liked your treatment of Pinkie too - I was kinda Rarity hungry throughout the story but when you're dealing with dragons that does seem to be more Twilight's dept.Introducing war and death seems to be something we all wouldn't mind seeing the ponies tackle - I for one think this show's creative talent would easily be up to the task. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Ok I read chapter 1 and looked over Chapter 2 - I need more time to make a cup of coffee and sit down and digest it completely. I liked it - Certainly is a departure from the more light hearted candy coated nature of the series and takes it into a darker more serious venue.I liked your interactions in chapter 1 with twilight and spike - I really feel those were spot on - i liked your treatment of Pinkie too - I was kinda Rarity hungry throughout the story but when you're dealing with dragons that does seem to be more Twilight's dept.Introducing war and death seems to be something we all wouldn't mind seeing the ponies tackle - I for one think this show's creative talent would easily be up to the task.Yay! Thank you. I'm liking the interactions between the two as well, although i feel i need to get more in depth with it as i continue before the big scene with them...As for Rarity i'm still not sure what i'm going to do with her... she has a few spurts of screentime so far, but nothing big, and i have no idea what i would do for her... hm... *getting more ideas now... )I agree, i think these characters would all interact with a war in very interesting ways, but as for being in the show itself, eh, kids show, i dont think any parent would want their kids to see that...Oh yeah, and if you like Rainbow Dash... dont get mad at me when you read the last chapter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I made some coffee and was just sitting down to dive back into the story. I have to be painfully honest - I hate fanfics - I NEVER read them even though I will actually write them (geez I'm selfish!)BUT I like yours! And as A.D.D. as I am that's saying a lot - I WILL NOT read something unless I genuinely enjoy it.ok back to chapter 2 - I'll update this post with comments if I don't see a response from you! *ok I'm sitting here sipping fresh coffee and in the beginning of chapter 3 Twilight is drinking coffee!! rofl !! :D I may have a new favorite pony! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I made some coffee and was just sitting down to dive back into the story. I have to be painfully honest - I hate fanfics - I NEVER read them even though I will actually write them (geez I'm selfish!)BUT I like yours! And as A.D.D. as I am that's saying a lot - I WILL NOT read something unless I genuinely enjoy it.ok back to chapter 2 - I'll update this post with comments if I don't see a response from you! That's what my friend told me, he doesnt like fanfics much but he seemed to enjoy mine a lot... which is why it bugs me that i'm not getting any response on FIMfiction.net and EQD, hehe...Just a warning though, i feel that Ch 3-4 are a little slower than the rest... but the end of the last chapter i really like! I'll head on over to your fic and take a look now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 I'm reading through 3 right now - the part with nurse redheart could be smoothed out a little bit for dialogue - not sure how to suggest doing it thoughChapter 2 was very good - I really like how the Dragons fit into the bigger picture and their motives - very solid.Oh Chapter 4 is very nice! Much more Rarity here - Dash is much more prominent as well. Good chapter is good so far! Ewwwww a lot more AJ too!!!! This is one of the more balanced chapters - but that's understandable seeing as how focused it was on twilight earlier. tbh 4 is my favorite chapter thus far Ok - I'm flying through this - *and the phone rings*and into Chapter 5 - whewwwwww - I haven't read this much since I read Harry Potter - I really like this chapter - A LOT!!! Ok if Fluttershy told me i had beautiful eyes THE FIRST THING TO COME OFF would be the ring - ROFLMAOoh and it's spelled 'Zecora' - Starfox - this story is getting better as it goes along - very nicely done - i love this Zebra sub plot.Shaleel- *sounds like Yusei* I TOTALLY WON THAT DUEL (yugioh abridged series joke)Wow - I have enjoyed this - I've got to leave the story for now - but I'll pick up on chapter 6 at a later time - it's very good I Iiked the later chapters more but as I was reading the characters in those chapters really seemed to pop out and come to life - it was almost as if you were watching the show.I'll probably wait until several more chapters are done and I'll come back to it. Great Job! Very Well Done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 Awesome! I'm glad you like it so much! hehe...I'm reading through 3 right now - the part with nurse redheart could be smoothed out a little bit for dialogue - not sure how to suggest doing it thoughWhen you say 'smoothed out', how do you mean? like take some of it out? Or try to make the conversation flow a bit more? I was trying to get her to sound annoyed, like she want's Twilight gone as soon as possible... hm, i might go back and take another look at it... see how things go...Oh snap, really? I've been spell Zecora's name wrong all this time... Oops. Ok if Fluttershy told me i had beautiful eyes THE FIRST THING TO COME OFF would be the ring - ROFLMAOAnd next would be the pants? As for AJ, y u no like AJ? hehe... I'm thinking she'll be downplayed for most of the story, but she'll pop in from time to time i believe...I'll probably wait until several more chapters are done and I'll come back to it. Great Job! Very Well Done. B-but that chapter is my favorite! I want to know that one is good too! hehe, I'm kidding, although it is my favorite so far, just because it's the first fight scene and the first major personality change. but to be honest i'm surprised you read through ALL THAT so fast! Jeez man! it's only been an hour or two! hehe. You take a break and come back whenever, i'll keep writing and hopefully it'll be awesome!Oh btw, do you know any places where i can post this story up? Again, still trying to get more recognition for this since everyone i've talked to seems to enjoy it... i just dont know where.... EQD isn't answering my calls anymore, heh.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Really? No I'm a bouncing baby brony of only a few weeks actually. I've always loved the memes but immersing myself into the culture is a recent thing. What about bronyville?Oh I do think the conversation with nurse redheart could be shortened - maybe what you could do is have a moment where twilight is more reflective over what happened almost as a summary - idk - what i noticed is I was reading and the chapters flow so smoothly - then BUMPITY BUMP BUMP - that part was bumpy for me to read - I'm not a professional writer - maybe someone like My Little Pony Tales - the admin from here would have some more objective advice - my advice is very subjective and without metric or measured value whereas a more professional viewpoint can pinpoint exactly what you need to change.I have a friend who is a prolific writer - he's on my Yugioh board http:www.dudley.createforumhosting.com - micesmack - he just recently wrote a really good review for MLP - FIM for our site. I could get him to look over that part if you like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Really? No I'm a bouncing baby brony of only a few weeks actually. I've always loved the memes but immersing myself into the culture is a recent thing. What about bronyville? Really? You seemed to be a veteran from how i saw you... Well, if you want any help immersing yourself i'd be happy to point you out to a few places i've found that have some cool stuff.Oh I do think the conversation with nurse redheart could be shortened - maybe what you could do is have a moment where twilight is more reflective over what happened almost as a summary - idk - what i noticed is I was reading and the chapters flow so smoothly - then BUMPITY BUMP BUMP - that part was bumpy for me to read -I havent read over it again yet, but i'll definitely take a look and see if i can tweak it so it's not so rough. Thanks for the tip!I'm not a professional writer - maybe someone like My Little Pony Tales - the admin from here would have some more objective advice - my advice is very subjective and without metric or measured value whereas a more professional viewpoint can pinpoint exactly what you need to change.Well, see, mostly what i'm looking for is people's opinion on the actual STORY of my story... i'm avoiding people who are grammer nazi's cause i know that there are probably dozens and dozen of issues there... I just want to know if people who are reading it enjoy it, get sucked into it and find it fun to read, even if it does have a few little grammar issues. I have a friend who is a prolific writer - he's on my Yugioh board http:www.dudley.createforumhosting.com - micesmack - he just recently wrote a really good review for MLP - FIM for our site. I could get him to look over that part if you like. That would be awesome! I'd love more input on my story. Although, again, avoiding Gramma Nazi's, i dont want to go back and switch all my semicolons with periods or whatever... I just want to know that it's easy to read, fun to read, and generally a good story...I'm also looking to actually get it put up somewhere for more people to see it... as i said before, i honestly think EQD has me on a blocked list or something >_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Really? You seemed to be a veteran from how i saw you... Well, if you want any help immersing yourself i'd be happy to point you out to a few places i've found that have some cool stuff.I havent read over it again yet, but i'll definitely take a look and see if i can tweak it so it's not so rough. Thanks for the tip!Well, see, mostly what i'm looking for is people's opinion on the actual STORY of my story... i'm avoiding people who are grammer nazi's cause i know that there are probably dozens and dozen of issues there... I just want to know if people who are reading it enjoy it, get sucked into it and find it fun to read, even if it does have a few little grammar issues.That would be awesome! I'd love more input on my story. Although, again, avoiding Gramma Nazi's, i dont want to go back and switch all my semicolons with periods or whatever... I just want to know that it's easy to read, fun to read, and generally a good story...I'm also looking to actually get it put up somewhere for more people to see it... as i said before, i honestly think EQD has me on a blocked list or something >_<I'll send him a link and let you know what he says - Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 I'll send him a link and let you know what he says - Alright, Thanks ^_^ I'll keep writing the next chapter, hopefully have it up in a few days... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Ok it's hard to give criticism when I didn't read the previous pieces and I know nothing of the nurse's character. I do have some tips.Acting is living truthfully under given circumstances -- this is the mantra for method acting. I don't see why it can't apply to writing as well.Given CircumstancesCharacters of Twilight Sparkle and the NurseHistory and Culture of Equestria and Pony-villeStory and Conflict so farall that's left is for Twilight and the Nurse to respond truthfully to the situation. Twilight would probably approach the situation with logic and intellect while the Nurse wants the well being of her patient.The nurse probably wouldn't see Twilight as THAT much of a threat based on this clip... So I really don't see why the nurse is rushing twilight out of the hospital.If you are still having trouble, thankfully it's not super important that these two have an exchange. A simple "The princess has been asking for you", or "I'm sure she will be happy to see you" should do fine. I mean twilight is the student of the princess right?If Twilight did something bad that everypony wouldn't trust her to see the princess, then this gets a little awkward. But even then Twilight could just run past the Nurse as she protests her arrival.there is my two percent of a washington. I hope it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 6, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Well, see, he said right off the bat that he didnt read the events leading up to her being a bit strict... so he doesnt know that Twilight snuck into her room and used magic on her, straining the princess' already weakened body in the process. She's just trying to protect her patient (The princess of equestria to boot) from any harm, and since she was recently harmed by Twilight's actions, i think it would make sense to have her be reluctant to let her back in so soon, especially since she's still unconscious, so there's no real reason for Twilight to be in there anyway.I dunno, i look it over again and i can't think of any way for it to change other than taking the whole thing out... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChancellorPuddinghead Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 Oh I'd keep it in there - Did his advice help? I sent a message to My Little Pony Tales - hopefully she has the time to look at it - idk - I'm not a great source for critique tbh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starfox64x Posted January 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2012 Chapter 7 updated! http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3786/7/War-over-the-Sun/Ch-7.-Wash-Away-the-Hate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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