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Once again....




Warning: Language (mild) ahead!

The word "IF" when used with relationships is very worrying. "If our relationship makes it that far..." Makes me think that it's already over in his mind and I'm just fighting a losing battle. I know that when it's over, I'll be torn up to **** and back...and I probably will never be over him because that's what love is. I love him but he...doesn't love me. He loved my body, but not the intelligent, damaged woman I am and lost interest when I gained weight. I want someone who will love me for me and will want me no matter what I look like, because it's the inner beauty that matters. I do know, however, that no matter what happens, I'm gonna get ROARING drunk after in a piss-poor attempt at drowning my sorrows...

I know this is probably not appropriate here, but I really wanted to get this off of my chest and get it away from me. I'm hurt, beyond words. I gave my son's father three years of my life and he gives me this....I gave him a son, all my problems and all the cracks and flaws I have...but he wants to throw me away because I don't clean the apartment we live in to his standards. So I don't sweep the floors every day or get the dishwasher run on a nightly basis...I still cook his food, do his laundry...and keep the baby happy and healthy. So nothing is in a 'Permanent Home'...it's at least presentable to guests! I love this man because he is flawed, because despite his appearances he is a teddy bear of a man...but because I still have the baby weight (10 months later, after 30 or so insane attempts to lose it) he doesn't see me as 'attractive' anymore. He wants someone else, but he'll stay with me because I am...what? A good listener...a great mother....but nothing more to him. I feel like crud, like fighting to the end of the month will be impossible because any day now I'll be thrown out. I'm taking the baby with me when I go, too. Not to hurt him, but because my son deserves to be loved unconditionally and because I don't want to suffer away from this darling little angel of a boy that can be more mischievous than not but still somehow can get smiles from everyone. I don't care if his daddy isn't there for the first birthday anymore....because I can see the end of my time with the man I love....and I'm scared to death that when he leaves me, he'll manage to take my baby from me forever. I can't talk to his family, they talk to him and he won't listen to me when I talk to him upfront. He gets mad if I tell anyone what goes on in our home, but who else can I tell when my insecurites arise? He doesn't get it....Not one bit. My heart is on the line and I already know I'm going to be hurt worse than ever before.

I'm calling out to friends, to you folks here, for support. You may not know me personally, you may not even really like me because of that up there...but I do need connections. I'm so alone, it's not funny. I can't have friends, not without fear of them leaving me cold. So I ask...what in the name of Celestia do I do?



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Heya Lilia. I know you don't know me very well, and we've never really talked but, I wanted to hopefully share some insight on this situation that may be of use to you. A year or so back there was a situation like this for somebody close to me, so while I can't empathise entirely on this matter I'd like to try the best I can to hopefully give some helpful input.

First of all I want you to know that things look bleak now, and that's okay. If we never went through hardship in our lives we wouldn't come out as the stronger, smarter individuals, and even from what you're saying and how you're communicating your emotions I know you are a strong and smart individual, and I know it's asking a lot to trust me but, things WILL get better. In regards to the matter at hand, I'm very sorry to hear about it. It definitely sounds sucky, that much is already established, so in my opinion it'd be best to look at the situation not as "Why has this happened or what's wrong with me?" but as "What can I do about this and how can I go about doing it?". Things will get better if the steps are taken to make it better in my opinion.

I can't speak for anybody involved in this whole business, only thing I can speak of is what I know from experience of seeing situations like this and experiencing feelings of unrequited love as well. I'm sure you're right in the reasons why somebody would wish to be with you, and I'm sure you are a great listener and a great mother, otherwise you wouldn't even be worried in the first place (Which would be far more scary I might add). You have to realize that these are good qualities that make up YOU, and that you define YOU and anybody who doesn't love you for YOU isn't worth pursuing for a relationship. I know it's easy to think you're somewhat at fault for all these events taking place, but with time and reflection I'm sure you'll be able to see for yourself that you are an individual, a unique and ultimately beautiful person, and that you shouldn't let anybody take that way from you, regardless of devoted time or connection or anything.

From what you've said it sounds like this relationship is somewhat of a handle on you, and I would honestly advise that you don't let yourself be in a situation where you're finding yourself dependant on somebody who won't love you for you, I've seen people try and work that way before, and it doesn't work in the long run, ever. My advice would be basically, don't make somebody your priority if you're only an option to them. It's okay to be scared now, and it's okay to feel bad (again if you were being totally nonchalant THEN I'd be worried) there is likely some rough times ahead, and it won't be easy, but in my opinion you have to build a resilience within yourself. From the way you've talked about life, and your son, and everything on here it's clear you have an acute sense of compassion and appreciation, and that's good, those'll carry you far, so long as you use them wisely.

As for the best option right now, in regards to your question, I would advise you do what you would judge as best for your son. That doesn't mean you exclude yourself of any comfort though, quite the opposite. I commend you for saying you'll bring your son with you if it ever comes to having to leave, and I do believe you have the right attitude to be able to take care of him. If it's an issue of practicality, like living arrangements and or ways to live then I wouldn't object (nor would anybody with half a brain) to reaching out to trusted individuals. Friends, family, community officials and workers, people who do honestly have your best interest at heart. Don't be afraid to step outside of comfortable confines, life's waaaay too short to live it looking through a window, as opposed to being outside. Try and look at things in terms of how you can do good by your son. You've displayed wonderful, caring values in how you're speaking, so instil those on your son through your actions, be a strong individual, and if it comes down to it a strong independent individual.

Don't think of this as the end of something, if anything this has the potential to be the start of something great for you and your son in my opinion, even more so given how he's soo young. I know it sounds corny but honestly if you work on your strengths, and do what's best for you and your son then things will work out. There's a wide road ahead for the two of you, and it's scary, and uncertain, but every big step in life is (I think anyway). The world will always welcome you back, regardless of how long you've felt disconnected from it.

Listen, I'm sorry if I just rambled a lot here but after reading your post I couldn't bring myself to just go about my day. I spoke my God-honest opinion on all this given what I know (Which may be very limited for all I know) but all I can hope for is that you find it helpful. Whether you wish to take any, some, or all of it on board is up to you, and I trust you're a smart enough individual to figure things out :)

Best Regards to you and your son, Lilia. If you'd like to talk, outside of staff stuff, my door's always open. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you ever want to. But, regardless, best of luck.

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I'm not gonna lie, I'm a terrible adviser, not even out of my teens. Thus, my advice is that you two should seek professional help. Yeah, sorry, I said it. It's often very sensitive and the man in the couple is often hard to convince. Just try once, is my advice, it's often worth it. You are a wonderful person Lilia, and I don't think you two should give up too soon.

And a little something to make you smile:


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