Once again....
Warning: Language (mild) ahead!
The word "IF" when used with relationships is very worrying. "If our relationship makes it that far..." Makes me think that it's already over in his mind and I'm just fighting a losing battle. I know that when it's over, I'll be torn up to **** and back...and I probably will never be over him because that's what love is. I love him but he...doesn't love me. He loved my body, but not the intelligent, damaged woman I am and lost interest when I gained weight. I want someone who will love me for me and will want me no matter what I look like, because it's the inner beauty that matters. I do know, however, that no matter what happens, I'm gonna get ROARING drunk after in a piss-poor attempt at drowning my sorrows...
I know this is probably not appropriate here, but I really wanted to get this off of my chest and get it away from me. I'm hurt, beyond words. I gave my son's father three years of my life and he gives me this....I gave him a son, all my problems and all the cracks and flaws I have...but he wants to throw me away because I don't clean the apartment we live in to his standards. So I don't sweep the floors every day or get the dishwasher run on a nightly basis...I still cook his food, do his laundry...and keep the baby happy and healthy. So nothing is in a 'Permanent Home'...it's at least presentable to guests! I love this man because he is flawed, because despite his appearances he is a teddy bear of a man...but because I still have the baby weight (10 months later, after 30 or so insane attempts to lose it) he doesn't see me as 'attractive' anymore. He wants someone else, but he'll stay with me because I am...what? A good listener...a great mother....but nothing more to him. I feel like crud, like fighting to the end of the month will be impossible because any day now I'll be thrown out. I'm taking the baby with me when I go, too. Not to hurt him, but because my son deserves to be loved unconditionally and because I don't want to suffer away from this darling little angel of a boy that can be more mischievous than not but still somehow can get smiles from everyone. I don't care if his daddy isn't there for the first birthday anymore....because I can see the end of my time with the man I love....and I'm scared to death that when he leaves me, he'll manage to take my baby from me forever. I can't talk to his family, they talk to him and he won't listen to me when I talk to him upfront. He gets mad if I tell anyone what goes on in our home, but who else can I tell when my insecurites arise? He doesn't get it....Not one bit. My heart is on the line and I already know I'm going to be hurt worse than ever before.
I'm calling out to friends, to you folks here, for support. You may not know me personally, you may not even really like me because of that up there...but I do need connections. I'm so alone, it's not funny. I can't have friends, not without fear of them leaving me cold. So I ask...what in the name of Celestia do I do?
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