Trekker123Eski Posted August 7, 2012 Report Share Posted August 7, 2012 Well I started writing a series into a fanfiction. Some of it was based off my roleplays and videos on hatena but improved. The series I like to call Bri-Canon so it's based on my ideas yet sometimes ties into the series but here's a sneak peak of the pilotIt was a nice day out in Cloudsdale, except the relationship of Leeroy Wingkins and Starberry blast; The green pegasus was sitting on her cloud thinking 'Why would he cheat on me?' 'And who is that other pony? I bet she's happy with him.' Meanwhile in Leeroy's apartment "What's up man?" A blue pegasus with a spikey green mane said, "Nothing Golds. My girlfriend thought I was cheating on her when it was just a practice date." Leeroy said as he picked up a Coltari 2600 controller to play a game; he turned on the console and played some Mac-pony [Parody of Pac-man] "Darn, that must stink. Why don't you admit the truth?" Goldsword said and asked "Well I tried to do that, But she just kept interrupting me; I tried to call her but she wouldn't pick up."What's you're opinion on it? I'm new here and have an idea to make a fanfiction series, This probably sounds like a blog or advertisement so I won't mind if it's re-placed somewhere else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FermataTheBasse Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 Let me take a crack at it...The structure seems... off. The segment you've got, if that's your opening paragraph, seems to be too much information condensed into too little of a space. Some more description would be nice, of the ponies especially since they're OC and the landscape. Spread out the exposition on the characters and flesh them out more fully with introduction.Also, dialogue is normally split off into a new paragraph each time you change character speaking. And changing location would also call for a paragraph break.My opinion? You haven't actually shown enough for an opinion to be made. It would be nice if you said where you were going with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trekker123Eski Posted August 17, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2012 Let me take a crack at it...The structure seems... off. The segment you've got, if that's your opening paragraph, seems to be too much information condensed into too little of a space. Some more description would be nice, of the ponies especially since they're OC and the landscape. Spread out the exposition on the characters and flesh them out more fully with introduction.Also, dialogue is normally split off into a new paragraph each time you change character speaking. And changing location would also call for a paragraph break.My opinion? You haven't actually shown enough for an opinion to be made. It would be nice if you said where you were going with this.Well, I'm 10 it's my first fan fiction being made and also one character isn't an OC but more so a background pony (Leeroy Wingkins). However I did use him a lot back when the original version was being made on Hatena. So please excuse me if the writing is sloppy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FermataTheBasse Posted August 18, 2012 Report Share Posted August 18, 2012 It's alright. Just... write more, already. That's all I can really say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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