Fallout Equestria: Chaos Theory

[synkyd]

this tale follows the path of Shrouded Dawnburst, a pony who grapples with the. plunge into insanity.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T4JvQPaVGImfJBRDYJc3N-S2ew0uKVPe3JYRvkyNYyQ/edit

please comment and give advice

[TotalEcplise]

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[synkyd]

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fixed it. sorry for the inconvinence

[TotalEcplise]

fixed it. sorry for the inconvinence

Well first things first.

1) Make sure you get those first few paragraphs spaced out.

2) Don't tell us that it will end badly, no no no! I didn't even want to read it after that.

3) when you make a series of words separated by commons its usually good practice for them to all follow similar formatting. If one has an adverb with it, they all probably should, if one of them is past tense, they all should be past tense, etc...

4) In between adulthood and middle age? That's a cluttered explanation. Probably just explain that he's an adult (the audience won't assume his middle aged or old unless he acts that way).

5) your indenting is wild.

Before I even continue reading, content wise It's intriguing. Reminds me of spec ops the line. I'd love to see a FoE fic where the main characters struggle is with their own mind, but your fic is rough and hard to read. It's go the potential, but it just needs to look better know what i'm saying?

[synkyd]

sorry, but I dont understand 3. would you explain it a bit better?