vision (ready and reupdated)

[housin123]

Role play Type:[colour=#282828]Free for all[/colour]

Name:Vision

Sex:male

Age:colt

Species:unicorn

Eye colour: green

Coat:dark green

Mane/Tail:light green

Physique:a normal size not buff or big

Residence:ponyville

Occupation:gemfinder

Cutie Mark:a yellow star and a yellow crescent moon.He got it when he was a young colt.He wanted to have an adventure so he went into dark caves to see if his cutie mark would appear but it didn't. His mum and him got into a fight because he was to impatient to wait until the right time for his cutie mark to appear. she told him about being a great unicorn and impress princess celestia by have great patients and he ran out of his house cring thinking she didn't love him anymore. He hid in a tree and when a huge storm happened and he got washed up into a cave he didn't know where he was. he went in deeper to find food but couldn't find his way back to the entrance. it been a week and he was barley OK and he had counted how many days has past when he got lost.it was not until the 8th night when he heard his mum calling in a distance and he believed not to give up hope just yet. His eyes glew and showed him a trail of gems showing the way out and he was back into his mother's arms and he was happy to be in her arms again.his mum took him out to get something to eat and told him that his powers would be ready when something special happened to him. she also told him that she wants him to live a brand new life in canterlot and impress the princess with his new power and be himself. after she told him he was able to see in the dark and see gems around him after the whole ordeal happened.He made a job out of finding lots of gems.

History:He had no family growing up only a dad and a mum. His mum name is Lunar and his dad name is [colour=#141414]Onyx[/colour] His parents are both unicorns. He was born a normal unicorn. His dream is to find lots of rare gems and open up a shop.But he wants to stay in ponyville for now trying to help one of his friends with there problems even though he was told to go.He didn't know how to keep going by himself until he met Taste a Pegasus who can't see well or fly.He promise to her to help her. But to help her he needs to have 10 million bits for the operation to fix her eyes and wings to be better so she can be normal and live with out getting hurt any more.He reminded her the promised to be by her side to help her out till she gets better. He even promised to have a family with her once she is better because she doesn't want her babies to have to be the same as she was after she said for him to leave and follow his dream of finding lots of rare gems.Her brother boulder helps vision out by digging and caring the gems. He hasn't got to where he wants to be but with his friends he will make it there in no time.

Character Summary:able to see through rocks to see gems.able to look for a really long time when hunting gems.he likes anything non-spicy. he helps with his 5 best friends.he is not good at digging things up so he has a friend to help out.He is not good at making cloths for himself.He has a fear of no one helping him out of his problems.He has two side one nice and one bad. when he is calm he is nice but once he sees fighting he gets out of control and fights.it takes his friends to hold him down and calm him down when everything is okay his favorite pony of the mane six is rarity because she is very pretty. He took under his wing a unicorn named Rare that he found in a cave while he was looking for gems and promised to teach her to use her powers.Amethyst is a filly unicorn that wants to be under his wing and wants to be his sister since she is an orphan and has no home.He doesn't notice it at all because they are friends. No mater how hard she does to gain his respect he never sees it.His life as a foal was normal exempt he didn't fit in with any pony else so he read books of colours and different gems. his parents were always working so he couldn't spend time with them since his dad controlled colours and his mum controlled brightness of lights.he was good at school just the teacher thought he would cheat because of his power because she didn't know how it works for him to see stuff so he had to sit in front and everyone would make fun of him.he decided to collect gems to help pay for Taste medical bills since its really pricey.he likes to hang out with his friends and plan day trips. on a normal day for him he is calm and collective.if someone upsets him a lot he explodes and yells.his dream is to have a family and own a shop with lost of rare gems. His 5 friends are Mimi a gold earth pony,zack a green pegasus,boulder a brown earth pony,taste a blue pegasus, and suger a red unicorn.

[Lux]

Hello there.

I see your application is Ready, but I think you need to add some more to it, especially in how Vision got his mark, his history and more about his personality.

This link will give you a little information about what should be included in your character application: http://www.canterlot.com/topic/12309-raritys-simply-fabulous-application-form-read-this-before-posting-an-application/

When you have made all the changes to your application, please let me know!

[Lux]

Alright you added more of your character's cutie mark story, but what about his back story?

Here's a couple of things to consider:

What was his life like as a foal?

What were his parents like?

How was school for him?

What did he decide to do with his talent of finding gems?

Does he like other things besides hunting for gems?

Other things about his character summary to touch on:

What is his personality like a normal day?

What upsets Vision and how does he react?

Does he have any dreams or hopes?

Are there things that he fears?

Basically the more you put into your character, the more we as the reader can get to know about him. Think of it like a biography explaining your character.

I see you mention that he can see through walls. That you'll have to delete as we have ponies here that do not have overpowered talents like that. Consider that most unicorns know basic telekinesis (levitating objects) and a spell associated with their talent, that is what you should go by.

You should also check the application as it looks like everything is bolded and the sentences seem to run together. Looking at how others make their applications will give you the idea of how yours should look in structure and content.

You're making good progress on this application, and with a little more work it should turn out fine.

[Lux]

You've made some good changes to the character. The only thing I want to note is that Alicorns are not allowed in World of Equestria except for the four princesses. So please change the fact that Vision's parents were unicorns and that he adopted one as such. As for the adoption, I would either adjust Vision's age to stallion or remove that as a colt can't really take care of another pony like that. I see also you have many different names like Amethyst and the adopted pony Taste. Really you can simplify things by just focusing on Vision and his parents. After all, it is about Vision for this application.

I would like to mention that aside from adjusting these things there is the option of placing this character in the Free for All area. The plus side is you'd be able to keep your character as is and would be allowed to participate in all threads except those in World of Equestria. If you would like this, please let me know on this thread so it can get moved to the right area.Otherwise, I look forward to the changes.

[TehBbqdPizza]

(Not a RPH)

Hello Housin,

For the dream and goal, I think it's a bit too dimple to conplete. It might be better to create a much more difficult goal; anyone could easily get to the Crystal Empire. Plus, nothing is specified why he wanted to go there. Was it because he was curious of the land which was mysterious to him? The excitement of exploring?

And the named ponies; can you please say who are these ponies? There are a few that are not specified. Are they their relatives? friends? other gemfinders?

Plus, you should attempt to proofread your application; it's a bit difficult to read. Thanks!

[housin123]

i put amethest as under his wing like rainbow dash and scoot. and i put all these ponies in well thats how i make a good background i dont want my pony as a loner until they met him and all the art i did is now gone i had the idea of him changing into a alicorn when he gets mad and he has to find the 6 alicorn elements so it wont control of him anymore and lux pleas lets use your idea i dont like normal rping

[SparkleFire]

Hi there, Housin, you already know me as Sparkle. I'm gonna offer some suggestions as to what could help refine your app a little bit, now bear in mind, I'm not an RP helper or anything like that, so take my suggestions with a pinch of salt. But you asked me to go into detail, and so I shall.

[colour=#282828]He promise to her to help her. But to heal her he needs to have 10 million bits for the operation.[/colour][colour=#282828] [/colour]

First issue is this, i'd suggest expanding this if you're going to roll with it, what sparked him to help her like that, what kind of operation costs 10 million bits. etc.

[colour=#282828]His mum name is Light and his dad is colour[/colour]

Just a little Nitpick, I don't think these sound like very "pony" names. You're not limited to simply describing their jobs through their names, ponies aren't psychic, so they don't know what their kids are gonna be when they grow up

Other than that, I think your Cutie Mark Section needs to be a little bit less fluffy and more comprehensive, explain how he actually got his cutie mark, In my opinion, I think it would be better if you developed it a little instead of having it just come from a spontaneous burst of magic, Cutie marks are supposed to be a marker of self discovery as well as your talent.

As for your character summary, I would follow Lux's advice, characterize him a little better, point out what defines him and why.

Hope I helped. You seem to be on the right track.

And don't forget, Free For All is always an option.

[Armony]

He got it when he was a filly.

Fillies are young females, so you may want to change this to colt. After that, I'd be more than happy to approve this for FFA.

[Rosewind]