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Sunbeam(fixed and ready)

BroadwayPony

By BroadwayPony
in Original Characters

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BroadwayPony Parasprite

BroadwayPony

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Roleplay Type: World of Equestria

Name: Sunbeam

Sex: female

Age: Mare

Species: Pegasus

Eye colour: Turquoise

Coat: A darker shade of pink, like a magenta colour. She also has freckles on her nose.

Mane/Tail: She has a long wavy blond mane and tail with streaks of light pink in it. She has quite a bit of hair so it gets in her eyes at times.

Physique: She is thin, with long stalky legs and a small stomach. Despite her being skinny she is quite muscular because of all the flying she does around Cloudsdale.

Residence: Cloudsdale

Occupation: Works in her jewelry shop.

Cutie Mark: She found her talent much later than the other colts and filly's, but she thinks it was worth the wait. One sunny day in the summertime, she was out playing in the sunshine as usual, it was her favorite thing to do. She had been bouncing along the clouds when a piece of thread caught her eye. She swooped over to it and scooped it up, not sure of what to make of it. She then went to her parents, asking them if she could make anything out of the string. They told her to do whatever she liked with it, they didn't care because they were busy. Sunbeam quickly caught on to the art of bracelet making and was completely enjoying herself. She then made a necklace with her mothers precious jewels(whoops!) and it was a beautiful necklace too. she then felt something on her flank and looked around to see her cutie mark had appeared! Her cutie mark is a bracelet and a necklace with sparkles around it. She was so happy to get it.

History: Well Sunbeam grew up in Cloudsdale like most pegasi, with her mother and father. She was very creative since the start but her parents were quite dull so they didn't allow such things. Her mother's name was Regal, and her father's name was Hoover. They were dignified ponies, unlike Sunbeam. Despite that she loved her parents, no matter what. They tried to get her to wear fancy dresses and such but she never took to them. She now has a dislike of fancy gowns because her parents always made her wear them. Other than that they were very loving parents and supported her to the fullest. This made her a quite happy pony and her smile was like a ray of sunshine. She often spent her time outside gazing at the birds flying in the sky. She had lots of nice friends through her childhood. Sunbeam loved her friends that she had, since she could be quite socially awkward at times.She was slightly shy, but that didn't stop her from making new friends! Her parents still live not the far from her, the shop that Sunbeam now owns was passed down to her, so she could make a decent living on her talent.

Character Summary: Sunbeams talent is making jewelry. You can always see her wearing bracelets and other forms of jewelry. She lives in her own cozy home in Cloudsdale, which is also her jewelry shop that she runs almost every day. She hopes to gain a lot of success with her jewelry and other accessories that she made all by herself. She dreams to become a successful jewelry maker and be big all around the world. Her motivation to do so is the happy look on her customers faces, that keeps her going every day. Sunbeam loves to visit the little colts and filly's at the school house, and she always gives them free stuff. She always loves to see there happy little faces. She still hasn't completely gotten over her little bit of shyness, but she has gotten better from seeing her customers every day. When she isn't working she's flying around Cloudsdale enjoying the view of the land from the skies. She has a pet hawk named Igor that is always seen with her, sitting on her flank. She found him hanging from some rope on a tree, she rescued him. Ever since then he never has left her side wherever she may travel. She is a very kind pony and tries her best to make friends, but due to her lacking social skills its quite hard for her sometimes. She doesn't get mad often, but when she does you better watch out! She always seems to have trouble with reading complicated books and is quite embarrassed because of that fact. The reason for her lack of reading ability is when she as in school she never really was focused, she would often daydream. She is obviously very talented at making jewelry, and she has a nack for flying. Sunbeam has an immense fear of spiders, she doesn't know why they just scare her. She is a very reliable pony, she always keeps her word. She likes to do things on her own with no help from others because it makes her feel accomplished. So all around she is a generally good pony, but she has her flaws.

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Conor Colton Equestrian

Conor Colton

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Hey there, BroadwayPony.

I gave your app a little read and whilst I think it has the solid basis for a character I do believe there's some aspects that could be improved on.

Formatting aside the first thing I want to say is that we can't exactly have you using Rarity as a character in your character's back story. It'd be a fun thing to do, no question but it just upsets show canon and the whole World Of Equestria RP style we have going on. I'd suggest using a different form of inspiration for her first bit of jewelry made, like her mother or father? Certainly makes it a lot more believable than them simply being a force against her freedom. :D

On the subject of her history, I would lean away from the parents having passed away, since it doesn't seem to really add or take away anything from her character. I'd suggest that you'd keep her parents alive still, and perhaps passed down a jewelry shop for her that she could call her own and forge a decent living out of that.

Also, the fact that she had no friends when she was younger was seemingly glossed over. If you're set on her not being too socially active when she was younger then I'd suggest coming up with a reason. I like how she is kind to school foals and fillies, however it too seems like a trait that's been glossed over. It seems a lot more like being nice for the sake of being nice to give her some positive qualities, if you were to include a reason more than her past experiences that would help.

Finally I have one more issue concerning her personality. You've stated what her talents are and what her drives are, though you haven't really given her much identifiable character traits. A fear of spiders is certainly a good start though it feels rather added in at the last second to give more character. My suggestion would be to have her history relate to her attitude. If she had to deal with a lot of difficulties in her own business then it gave her a stronger worth ethic, if she constantly sees new faces every day then she's become gradually more social and easy going, or even something as simple as her being friendly and easy going, saying she's a good pony to rely on and has become dependable over time due to her own independence, but that's all entirely suggestive and I encourage you to find more examples of these sorts of things on your own.

Another small gripe, and this one is easily fixed is the formatting as well. I'll have to ask that you space everything out more so it looks more presentable, which is as easy as making only the headings like 'Cutie Mark' and 'History' in bold text and putting a line between each section of the app.

The app is off to a good start, make no mistake about that, but I hope we can work together to make Sunbeam even better! :D

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Conor Colton Equestrian

Conor Colton

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Hey again, BroadwayPony :D

I'm liking the changes you've made, considerably better than they were before! However there's still some aspects that could be improved on and those shouldn't be too hard :)

Going from the top of the app, first of all I'm confused at the occupation you put down. The rest of the app suggests she works in a jewelry store but that occupation says she's part of the weather team :P Just a little inconsistency that can be easily fixed.

Another thing I'd like to talk about is how you presented her socially. We get a lot of shy ponies here who were shunned by others when they were younger for seemingly no reason in apps so it's a rather heavily used trope sometimes, and I'd suggest adding a bit of spice or something unique that gives her more character than simply being shy because everypony was mean to her when she was younger ('Cause then we'd just have an Equestria full of jerks :P), I'll leave that little bit of uniqueness for you to figure out, after all she's your character. I also do like how you've given her a bit of an arc, with her getting better and better at being social as she's gotten older so, yay for that :D

Aside from that, there are a few parts where the grammar could be improved, and if you just give it a quick read over again it should be clear were changes need to be made; and it wouldn't hurt to put a little line between each segment, y'know to make it more visually appealing :)

All in all though I'd say it's a good improvement, and with a few more we could have Sunbeam approved in no time :D

If there's anything else you need, just let me know.

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