Unicorn Ember Sparx [Ready]

[EmberSparx]

((Hello everyone! New to the forums but I really wanted to submit this bio for feedback, spent a while filling out the application and I really look forward to seeing what everypony thinks.))

Roleplay Type: World of Equestria

Name: Ember Sparx

Sex: Male

Age: Young Stallion

Species: Unicorn

Eye colour: Lime green

Coat: Black, like a starless night sky. The area around his muzzle fades from black to a dark mossy green. It would give the impression he has some kind of ink or dye on his muzzle but it’s his natural color. He normally has a small saddlebag thrown over his back, filled with small pouches and containers of powder.

Mane/Tail: His mane and tail are a dark green with stripes of white, which makes a bright contrast to the rest of his dark colors. His mane is short and normally looks like it’s singed around the edges, so he gives off the impression that he doesn’t really keep it short on purpose. The edge of his mane stops just under his horn, so it doesn’t cover his face at all. His tail is long and looks like he really doesn’t put much thought into it. It’s full of random tangles, and the tip of it often looks burned or singed (possibly even smoking).

Physique: Ember is in shape, but he is anything but bulky. He’s tall but skinny, with long legs. A good description may be ‘wiry’.

Residence: Fillydelphia, but he has been known to travel a lot in order to seek out new materials to use in his fireworks.

Occupation: Aspiring Pyro-technician

Cutie Mark: A green star-burst, with small lines of emphasis radiating out of a central point. It’s a dark green, similar in color to his mane and muzzle, but it shows up rather well against his black coat. It would inspire thoughts of fire against a black night sky.

When Ember was a little filly, he was helping in his father’s rock farm the night he got his cutie mark. Left unsupervised he had gathered a number of different rocks that he had thought looked neat, since they were all different colors. After breaking them up into powder and generally making a mess, he heard his father looking for him. Not wanting to be seen ‘wasting time’ as he saw it, he quickly looked around for a way to dispose of the dust. Scooping it up into a big hoof-full he threw it into a nearby campfire, when KA-BOOM! Bright green and white sparks flew everywhere, Emb was knocked back by the force of the unexpected explosion, and everyone in his household came running. Too amazed by what he had done by accident, he didn’t even notice his cutie mark until his sister pointed it out to him.

History: Ember was born in the country on his parent’s rock farm, though they were well enough off for rock farmers. He helped work the fields with his father, uncles, and cousins and the whole family lived together in a large barn. After receiving his cutie mark he started spending most of his free time crushing different rocks into powder to see how they reacted with each other and to heat.

Eventually he decided to take his fireworks to Fillydelphia where he might be able to make something from them, though he spends more time traveling than he does at his home. His family wished him luck and warm wishes, and he still writes regularly to his little sister.

After setting up his home in Fillydelphia Ember took to the road, on a journey to find new materials to make better fireworks. This has taught him the importance of maps, as he tends to travel by hoof instead of by other means of transportation so that he doesn’t miss out on anything he may find on the road. Traveling this way has given him a carefree, live in the moment kind of attitude as he gets by on whatever he can get by selling his fireworks as he goes from place to place. He doesn’t plan for the future very well, since he doesn’t usually know where he’ll be going next.

His method of traveling has made him greatly appreciate the company of other ponies, since it can be rather lonely on the road. He has changed his own plans on multiple occasions in order to spend more time with friends that he has made, having decided easily that friends are more important than his work.

The largest event to have shaped him in his travels so far has been when he met a traveling carnival on the road. He tried to sell them some fireworks, and traveled with them for a short time in order to relieve the boredom of the road. However the group already had their own fireworks creator, and Ember was unable to make a sale. Seeking out this other pony, eager to exchange tips about his work, Ember was shocked to find this other pony refusing to even speak with him. Ember’s fireworks were written off as “Little foal’s play” by the group, and since that time he’s harbored a measure of doubt about if he will ever be seen as a professional. When others compliment his work it helps his confidence immensely, but this event is always lurking in the back of his mind.

Character Summary: Ember is a little awkward around new ponies. He's eager to make friends, but growing up around mostly his family has left him just a little unsure about how to greet new faces. He may struggle to think of what to say when first meeting somepony, but he'll try his hardest to make new friends.

He is always eager to improve his fireworks, and will happily tackle any kind of related task. He’s rather adept at creating magical sparks and flames, usually to trigger his creations with. He favors the color green, since his first “explosion” matched his mane and he considers it good luck. His secret dream is that his fireworks will one day be renowned enough that he will get to demonstrate them for the princesses.

When he isn’t tinkering with making new fireworks, Ember likes to spend his time reading adventure stories and exchanging letters with his sister. He also has a bit of a sweet tooth, but he wouldn’t be one to admit it. He can’t cook to save his life however, he usually ends up burning whatever he’s trying to make.

Ember is deathly afraid of water and anything that lives in it, and he can’t swim. He can tolerate a light rain, but storms terrify him. He’s also very sensitive to criticism from others, prone to taking it very seriously if anyone complains about his fireworks.

[GhostGirl]

Hi there!

I've looked over your app, and, on the whole, this is fairly acceptable for a WoE app. I do have a couple things I wanted to point out, though. The first is that the history section feels very bare to me. Surely there's more you could add. We're not asking for a novel, just a few defining moments for the character aside from his cutie mark story. Has he ever had an event happen that shook his confidence in his ability? Has he done any world travelling and, if he has, what did he learn along the way? What events taught him important life lessons that helped shape who he is today?

Lastly, and I feel this is probably most important, the broken horn doesn't really fit in WoE RP. If you are deadset on keeping it, you're more than welcome to change this app to Crossovers, but it won't work for WoE. It doesn't fit into the tone of that RP setting, and he still seems like he'd be a perfectly brilliant character to interact with even without a broken horn!

If you make any changes, please post again in this thread to let me know. >w0

[EmberSparx]

Thanks a ton for the critique! I am interested in the World of Equestria RP, so I went ahead and removed the bit about his horn and fleshed out his history some more. Please let me know what you think, I'm more than happy to put more work into him if you still feel it's lacking something.

[GhostGirl]

Alright! Everything looks hunky dory to me now. I'm going to pass this up to a Senior RP Helper. If they think everything's in order, it'll be stamped and passed on further, and if they see anything else that they think needs changed, they'll let you know.

[starswirlthebearded]

Hey there! Your friendly Senior RPH here! It looks like Ghostie gave you some great tips and this looks almost completely ready.

There is one thing I'd suggest making a slight change on, and that is on his approach-ability, and feelings on approaching other ponies/creatures. If it takes effort to talk to him, it could make it hard to potentially interact with him. Honestly, it sounds almost like Fluttershy from the first episode, and we saw how that turned out for Twilight, and if it hadn't been for Spike, she'd probably have remained silent.

Just lighten that up a bit, and it'll be good to go! Make him a bit easier to approach and maybe give him a bit of a drive to talk to others

There is one thing I want to mention, but it is more of a personal nitpick so I'm going to put it in a spoiler so you don't think it is a required thing to change, because it isn't. You are free to incorporate it if you like though

In your CM story, you mention he mashes up rocks and such and throws into a fire which creates a Ka-boom, as it would happen with a fireworks display. This is only half accurate. You have the minerals, which would burn up at a higher energy level creating colours and such (and quite possibly a brilliant crackling colourful display), however, without the sulfates, carbon [charcoal] and sulfur compressed in a package, it wouldn't have the explosive effect seen in fireworks. Even if you take a handful of gunpowder and throw it into a fire, it will just act as an accelerant and make the fire burn bigger and brighter until the gunpowder is burned up.

But again, this is all just a personal nitpick. You can feel free to incorporate it into your story or character. This is a really good resource for colours and the corresponding compounds in fireworks if you are interested. Though this is also good.

I'm done being a nerd for now ... Thanks for your cooperation!

[EmberSparx]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm sorry about the approach-ability, I never meant for him to come across like that, I just worded it poorly It should be fixed now.

As for the other part, I knew it wasn't completely accurate but I thought it made his story sound a little more exciting. So I just thought maybe things might work a little different in Equestria and changed it a little hoping that no one would mind. I would be willing to change it if it was an issue, but since you said it shouldn't matter too much I'm leaving it like that for now.

Oh, and I did bookmark the pages you linked, so that I can referance them in his roleplay. Thanks for that!

I'll be more than happy to make more changes, though! I appreciate the critiques immensely!

[starswirlthebearded]

Awesome. Looks much better!

Have fun! Please be patient while an Admin moves you to the proper group!

Also I mislinked the second link (copied the same link twice on accident). This is the link I meant! I'm glad you find them useful