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Magic Shine [Ready]

MagicShine

By MagicShine
in Original Characters

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MagicShine Equestrian

MagicShine

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Name: Magic Shine

Gender: Male

Age: Foal

Species: Unicorn

Eye colour: Red

Character colour: Dark Blue

Mane/Tail/Other: Mane: Blonde. Tail: White

Physique: Normal Foal sized

Residence: Wand Truff's Magic Shoppe

Occupation: Potion brewer and spell writer.

Cutie Mark: A wand and potion.

Unique Traits: He can put spells in potions, to make them enhanced, like having a stronger effect, or even potions being brewed together, to make two effects., and and have longer affects.

History: Magic Shine was taught at a young age to do magic. His father taught him and is current owner of Wand Truff's Magic Shoppe. Hence the name, Wand Truff is his father's name. His mother died in a potion brewing accident, so it is just Magic Shine and his father.

At first, the shoppe was run down, and hardly anyone came there. Magic was very, very, bored one summer day, so he did what always cheered him up, make a potion! As he finished the potion, he thought, Would if I get my cutie mark if I put a spell on it! Now, that was 2 years ago. And little Magic didn't really put a spell on it. But he tried again, and again, and again. After two long years, he did it! It was weak, but progress! After putting a few more enchantments on potions, he thought he was ready to get his cutie mark. He put not 1, not 2, but 3 enchantments on ONE POTION! I did it! After long years, I did it! And certainly he did. He had this weird feeling on his flank, Its coming! And it did. A wand and a potion. "Hey dad, look!" He said. That is the story of how he got his cutie mark.

The shop is still run down, but his dad has gotten some money from his sister, Aunt Beauty Flower, who his dad makes beauty potions for.

When Magic Shine's mother died, his dad had a mid-life crisis. They both had to go to counseling every month, but Magic Shine still grieves a lot over his mother's death. His dad has gotten over it, and is looking for new love. Magic doesn't like that.

Magic Shine at school is fairly popular, but gets in trouble sometimes brewing potions with his Super Duper Portable Potion Brewer 6000 in class. He got his Super Duper Potion Portable Potion Brewer 6000 for his birthday once and it allowed him to create potions wherever he wants. He also also started a black market for spells and potions out on the play yard, and is doing pretty well.

One of his greatest memories was going into a tour at Canterlot castle, and seeing the alchemist there. He then studied all about potions, and wanted to be that alchemist.

Character Summary: Magic Shine's lifelong dream is to brew potions for the princess. His fear is that he will have a freak accident like what happened with his mother. Magic Shine Currently goes to Canterlot Elementry. Magic Shine also likes to help out in his father's workshops as his assistant. His favorite books are: ,Having fun with Potions, and The Power Ponies.

Magic Shine is stubborn and strong minded, so what he believes is what he believes. Magic Shine is also open minded, and will speak whatever comes to mind, sometimes getting him in trouble. He also is very friendly, even if you barely know him.

He is not shy at all, and will help if you need anything. In Magic's smartness terms, he is a average. He loves being called really smart, though. Magic doesn't eat much. He eats only when he has to. Magic Shine has also gotten a interest into long walks, as he walks with his dad out in the streets everyday. In this time, he thinks a lot about life, and if the shop will get better.

His Pic without cutie mark:

post-9264-0-44692000-1388427810_thumb.pn

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Bellosh Alicorn

Bellosh

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I see this version of Magic Shine is quite changed from the original. However, there are a number of issues with this app:

  • If your OC's father knew magic, he wouldn't have relied on his son to enhance potions. Please change your OC's cutie mark story so that he earns it in a more believable manner that doesn't require upstaging an adult.
  • A foal is simply too young to either have an occupation or be able to teach anything. Furthermore, it takes an incredibly talented unicorn like Starswirl or Twilight Sparkle to create spells; there is simply no way that any other unicorn can accomplish such feats. Ergo, under no circumstance should your OC have the ability to write spells.
  • Both the History and Character Summary sections could use expansion. Remember, the Summary needs to paint a picture of how he'll act in RP, but there isn't much to go on so far except for a couple of general statements. Please read this thread for suggestions on how to add on to these two all-important fields.

Always remember that Free For All is always an option if you'd rather not bother with the long approval process. ;)

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Bellosh Alicorn

Bellosh

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Thank you for following the previous suggestions. Now for Round #2:

  • Please divide your History and Character Summary fields into smaller paragraphs. It's very important for RPers to know how to make their posts easy to read for other users, and one vital aspect of this is writing manageable paragraphs. If paragraphs are massive blocks of text, then readers are going to have a hard time trying to remember everything you write down.
  • Everything you wrote pertaining to your OC's potion-making abilities should be transferred over to the Unique Traits field.
  • What exactly about enchanting a potion with a longer-lasting effect caused Magic Shine to earn his cutie mark? Because you edited out the original reason why this action was meaningful, you'll need to create a new explanation now.
  • What is a Super Duper Portable Potion Brewer 6000 supposed to be? We need to know so we can make sure whether this item is permissible in Canterlot Chronicles or not.
  • To keep things safe reference-wise, I advise to remove any references to any books claimed to be written by Starswirl the Bearded. OC apps should not invent lore about places or cast characters.

You're making progress, so hang in there! ^_^

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Bellosh Alicorn

Bellosh

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Some more feedback:

  • The revised Cutie Mark Story does not solve the issue I have with it. In order for a pony to get a cutie mark, they first have to experience a moment of self-actualization. What was your OC feeling when he brewed those first magic potions? What about potion brewing made him feel that this would be his destiny? Just because a colt or filly does something successfully is no guarantee that they'll get a cutie mark for it.
  • Also take some time to double check your spelling and grammar. RPers get too distracted to remember the details of other posts if all they notice are spelling and grammar errors, so it's imperative that all RPers write correctly.

Thank you though for making an earnest effort at using my feedback. You're almost there! :D

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  • 2 weeks later...
Bellosh Alicorn

Bellosh

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The cutie mark story is still not acceptable. It's not enough to say that your OC simply felt something special; you need to explain WHY he felt that way. If you don't explain WHY, the cutie mark story is meaningless. If you still experience trouble improving the cutie mark story, you're always free to transfer this app over to Free For All if you want. :)

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Bellosh Alicorn

Bellosh

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I explained this to you before:

In order for a pony to get a cutie mark, they first have to experience a moment of self-actualization. What was your OC feeling when he brewed those first magic potions? What about potion brewing made him feel that this would be his destiny? Just because a colt or filly does something successfully is no guarantee that they'll get a cutie mark for it.

Because you're still unable to write a fully-realized cutie mark story, I'm afraid only two options remain. Either you switch Magic Shine over to Free For All, or you allow this app to be archived away. We RP Helpers only have a limited time to do our duties, and we should not have to spend it to ask a particular user the same thing over and over again. I really suggest that you make a read-through of other approved apps to get an idea on what a cutie mark story needs. Until you do, I'm afraid I'll have to devote my resources towards working with other users.

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Pretzelparty Wonderbolt

Pretzelparty

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um hello there. I'm not taking over your application for you Magicshine but I noticed this app is having a bit of difficulty.

In case you're having difficulty understanding why your cutie mark story isn't acceptable yet I felt I might try and explain how gaining a cutie mark works. As Bellosh said -only- succeeding at an attempt at something is no guarantee to gain a cutie mark. Often times when a pony gets a cutie mark they feel not only that they have accomplished something but that they have learned something about themselves or have developed as a pony or have figured exactly what it is they want to do with their lives or learned what makes them unique etc.

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Bellosh Alicorn

Bellosh

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He had this weird feeling on his bottom, Its coming!

Did your OC poop when he earned his cutie mark? XD

Serious Mode: the cutie mark goes on the upper thigh (AKA flank); not on the "bottom". The phrasing you used in that passage needs to be changed to avoid confusion.

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