Pony Drabbles

[MWAM]

First off, sorry for being dead the last few days. Life, DA2, And MVC3 got in the way.

A couple o' days ago i said i was take a swing at writing some pony stuff. Well i did starting last night. What i'm bout to post is WIP, But its getting there.

Please be honest in your critiques. I can handle it if you think I completey suck, but aleast say why.

And i make and glaring mistakes, please take the perviable bat and beat me with it.

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Pushing the last cloud into place, Stormy Specter gave satisfied nod at the the little Storm he helped create. Seeing the other ponies on his team push the last clouds into, the storm clouds started whirling to life. Drenching the land below, which happened to be Ponyville, with some much needed water.

Giving the storm on last look over, he noticed no problems. His gaze drifted towards his director. The director Gave a nod to everypony present, meaning that the Storm was fine and they could take there leave.

Giving the clouds one last fleeting look, Specter flew towards his home in Cloudsdale, where his bed was waiting. By Luna, he was sleepy, and these storms would help hi, m sleep.

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Stepping the threshold of his door, Specter felt something under his hoof. Looking down he saw some letter scattered across the, a little wet from slobber. Hehe Thanks Derpy, he thought to him self as he leaned down and picked up the letter in his mouth, on the other side of course.

Tossing the letters on a table, Specter looked around his small house. It was lightly furnished, nothing really fancy. He spent most his bits on CDs and food. He trotted over to his bathroom, next to his bedroom, to relive himself.

After the deed was done, he started out of the bathroom. He stopped when his eyes caught his mirror on the wall, giving himself a once-over. His pelt was dark sapphire, and sorta it reflected his personality, or so said his friend LionHeart. His mane was a striking electric green, spiked backwards as if it was jumping off his head. Maybe i should get out more, like little Lionheart said, he though with a sigh as he walked into his room.

Flopping down on his bed, he laid his head on pillow, intending to get some much needed sleep. That was , until a loud knock was heard coming from his living room. The next sounds were the opening and slamming of his door. Specter sighed, already knowing who it was.

A couple of seconds later, A orange blur threw itself on top of Specter. Looking he towards said orange blur, he saw it was his young friend , Lionheart. The young colt was still in Flyers School. His colt was a bright orange, where as his mane and tail were a reddish orange, just laying wherever.

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Thats what i got ATM. Again please be honest in your critiques. Next update will be alot longer. And im still mulling over if im gonna do request or not. TTFN

[Bramble Rose]

Not bad. Has a few places it could use some improvement...

The first thing I'll say is that ... it's so short, we've already met two characters and I don't know who they are yet. We have names and appearances, but not personalities, except that Stormy apparently doesn't do much in the way of socializing.

Second, it jumps around a lot. First he's in Ponyville, then he's in Cloudsdale, at his home... jumping around in his home, then someone's there...

We need an establishing shot, then something *happening* in that establishing shot. The problem is that as soon as you set up the establishing shot, you took it away to go somewhere else. I'd suggest figuring out something that happens during that storm that'll have relevance to the later plot.

Also, just as my own thoughts on how I'd do it - I wouldn't have the clouds just start up once they're all in place. Try to give a sense of urgency by describing the heavy clouds, barely containing all the rain in them - a need to get them into place before they burst. And then have the Director start it off with a well-placed kick. Right now it seems kinda 'ho-hum' like you're just slapping bricks into the simplest of brick walls. Give a sense of the difficulty in putting together a good storm, the artistry of the arrangement.

Not sure you need a pony 'relieving himself', but that's just a minor quibble.

I'd suggest running it through a grammar and spellchecker, cause it's got some issues - random capitalization in the middle of sentences, misspelled words, that sort of thing.

But despite all that, it's not *bad*. The sentences and paragraphs themselves are engaging enough - they just need a little more exposition and a little more description to run together better.

[MWAM]

Thanks for the encouraging words. The random capitalization thing is my fault. I'll stop in the middle of something, and my mind will tell me to capitalize it. I try to go back fix it, but sometimes I miss them.

The bathroom thing was just a excuse to look in a mirror. Stormy isn't a vain pony that's always looking in reflections to make sure his looks are all in line. I'll try and find some other way to do it if it bothers people.

The whole section that is coming next in the story is supposed to be dialogue heavy. I was planning on Showing Lionheart's Personality there, and opening open Stormy's more.

Looking at what you said, and then looking back at what I typed, showed me alot I could do to expand it more. Especially with what you said about the clouds. I really like the idea of the director "Kicking" it off. It also makes me cringe off how.... "choppy" it looks to me. I may give the begging a total overhaul.

Thank you Bramble. This is really my first steps into the worlds of fandom, And this stuff will help bunches.

[Bramble Rose]

My pleasure. I certainly hope more people would give *me* feedback like that! ** I just give the sort of feedback I'd want to get.

I once read a better author than me talking about 'describing the self' in just this sort of situation. One of the things that author wrote was that the *worst* thing you can do to describe a character is try to force it in-character, by having him look in a mirror.

Just describe him while he's flying through the storm, 'the wind blowing through his spikey, electric green mane and tail, which let him be seen even when his dark sapphire coat was lost against the dark skies."

[MWAM]

Alright then I'll knock the bathroom bit out.

And Ill use something along those lines. Ill probably star back at it in a couple of mins.

Have a good day Bramble. Also this reminds me I have to go do Lionheart's Bio for the Rp. Nggggggghh Work.

[Bramble Rose]

Oh!

One last thing - I don't think they'd do anything 'by Luna' yet. She hasn't been around for a thousand years, and everyone's forgotten her... not really enough time for her to get back into the common parlance yet. She didn't even show up with her sister to the Young Fliers' Competition.