[Editors Wanted]Vinyl Scratch Origin PREVIEW

[VinylScratch]

“Give them back! I’ll tell the teacher on you!”

“Ooh, I’m so scared, Nightmare Stare”

“Devil Foal!”

“Just stop it! Please.”

Everything about Vinyl got her teased. Everything about her made them want to make fun of her. Her distasteful red eyes have been the scorn of her ever since she started Foal School. Vinyl’s dyed mane hid most of the fact that she was albino; well, at least until you saw her ruby eyes. The first time her teacher made her take them off in class, after Vinyl Scratch made a huge fuss over it, revealed to the school system, and therefore the bullies, her weakness.

Tears started dripping from her eyes as she ran tried to jump up and grab them. Even though Vinyl wasn’t really short, these were burly, older foals she was dealing with. She would never be able to reach up there. After moments, seemingly hours to Vinyl, the leader of the group finally dropped the glasses on the floor and stomped his huge, fat foot onto it. One of the lenses broke and the annoying older foals left her to soak in her sadness. Vinyl held up the bent frames and smashed lens as the autumn breeze blew leaves across her lonely section and moving the strings on her cheap, grey sweatshirt.

-Writing in Progress-

[RarityDash]

It looks like a decent enough start.

I'd space it out more. Put lines between the paragraphs and all that. Makes it easier to read.

Dastardly is not a good adjective to describe headphones. It means cruel or wicked. You should look into finding another word there.

I'm not sure how the school system is supposed to work exactly for ponies, but the term "Horse School" seems kind of odd to me. I don't know.

I'm a little confused about what the italicized parts are supposed to be. The lyrics to a song Vinyl is listening to? Lyrics she herself is thinking up? it's not really clear. That section could be explained a lot better.

Beyond that, it seems a promising enough start.

[VinylScratch]

It looks like a decent enough start.

I'd space it out more. Put lines between the paragraphs and all that. Makes it easier to read.

Dastardly is not a good adjective to describe headphones. It means cruel or wicked. You should look into finding another word there.

I'm not sure how the school system is supposed to work exactly for ponies, but the term "Horse School" seems kind of odd to me. I don't know.

I'm a little confused about what the italicized parts are supposed to be. The lyrics to a song Vinyl is listening to? Lyrics she herself is thinking up? it's not really clear. That section could be explained a lot better.

Beyond that, it seems a promising enough start.

1. thanks for the comment

2. i agree with spacing, ill do that later though. I'm workin on content

3. Dastardly culd be changed. I didn't know wut to put at the time so i just filled it in with that cuz i had limited battery, wuld rather work on the overall 1st chapter (ugh im makin excuses XD)

4. italicized parts are a song she's thinking of. firstly, the song is copyrighted by Poison so i shuldve added that... -is sued for his only cardboard box- i didnt rly know how to put that in as such. thats why i get editors any ideas for that?

[RarityDash]

Well, with the lyrics, I'm not sure I understand their intended purpose. If it's to show that Vinyl is distracted while her teacher is teaching, you could just say as much without including the specific lyrics. Something like: "Vinyl tuned out her teacher's droning lesson as she instead started to dream up the lyrics to a song."

If the lyrics themselves are significant somehow to the story for whatever reason, you could do something else. Maybe have her write them down or something while her teacher's speaking and then have her read them off later or something. There are a lot of ways to do it, just at the moment it looks wrong. There are no transitions or explanations to tell the reader just what is happening there.

[VinylScratch]

I'm planning on using that later -is trying to hide spoilers- there is a significance to the lyrics, but you don't know much about them at the beginning its all for speculation. It's kindo like George RR Martin (however i doubt youve read A Song of Ice and Fire) but you don't know much wen ppl first say it, but the pieces get filled in as you go along.

[Vinyl Scratch]

Off topic: We have the same username except I have a space XD

[RarityDash]

Yeah... I noticed that. I wonder if that will ever end up confusing anypony.

I'm planning on using that later -is trying to hide spoilers- there is a significance to the lyrics, but you don't know much about them at the beginning its all for speculation. It's kindo like George RR Martin (however i doubt youve read A Song of Ice and Fire) but you don't know much wen ppl first say it, but the pieces get filled in as you go along.

That's fine then. You should probably just think of a different way to share them with the reader. Like that, it's difficult to understand.

[SunsetSombra]

I know I've been mistaken for being one of them, despite the fact that I Just PLAY the character - My username is entirely NOT hers.

As for the story - looks good, I may just have to keep an eye on it!

A suggestion for how to space out the lyrics...

And so after the fall of…

” Remember the nights we sit “

…Princess Celestia rose to power. With the destruction of…”

Well little did we know that they were more distant than the seemed

“an insurrection occurred. A battle occurred, causing Prince…”

You got to cry tough, out to the world, to make your dreams happen.

“Vinyl Scratch, I’ve had enough of your foolish nonsense. Please go outside until the end of class.”

Use seperate lines for when the lines are interrupting/blocking what speaking characters say...seen it done before, seems like it might work here!

[VinylScratch]

I know I've been mistaken for being one of them, despite the fact that I Just PLAY the character - My username is entirely NOT hers.

As for the story - looks good, I may just have to keep an eye on it!

A suggestion for how to space out the lyrics...

And so after the fall of…

” Remember the nights we sit “

…Princess Celestia rose to power. With the destruction of…”

Well little did we know that they were more distant than the seemed

“an insurrection occurred. A battle occurred, causing Prince…”

You got to cry tough, out to the world, to make your dreams happen.

“Vinyl Scratch, I’ve had enough of your foolish nonsense. Please go outside until the end of class.”

Use seperate lines for when the lines are interrupting/blocking what speaking characters say...seen it done before, seems like it might work here!

Wow thats really neat. Thanks for the tip

[VinylScratch]

“Vinyl, wake up!” the teacher shouted. Vinyl woke up, startled. She had fallen asleep in filly school, again. Her headphones were always around her ears, even in school. Nothing could stop that, it was her passion. The little old barn the school was held in was too bland for Vinyl’s taste. It was too small, too bland, and too real. “You have that distractive headwear on you again? Take that off now and listen to me about the rise of Princess Celestia. If I have to tell you again, they go straight in my desk. Do you understand?”

“Fine,” Vinyl replied arrogantly “and they’re called headphones.” Blooming Flowers returned to her spot in front of the chalkboard.

“Wow, Vinyl” said Pinkie Pie “I bet your cutie mark is going to be those bulky headphones!” Vinyl was the only one in her class without her cutie mark. This was their last year in filly school. If she didn’t get her cutie mark by the beginning of Horse School, it would ruin her.

“If only I knew, Pinkie.” Vinyl laid her head down onto the desk.

“And so after the fall of…”

Remember the nights we sit

“…Princess Celestia rose to power. With the destruction of…”

Well little did we know that they were more distant than the seemed

“an insurrection occurred. A battle occurred, causing Prince…”

You got to cry tough, out to the world, to make your dreams happen.

“Vinyl Scratch, I’ve had enough of your foolish nonsense! Please go outside until the end of class.”

“If it gets me out of here, sure.” And the white unicorn took her book on the The Beginnings of the New Equestria book and went outside, but didn’t stay near the school. Vinyl returned to her small house near the bridge to the Everfree forest. She opened the door and found herself in her usual mess of papers and music notes. Vinyl took a sigh of relief to the joys of living on her own, even if she was still a filly. The unicorn jumped onto her computer chair and started spinning around.

-just an update so u kno its not dead. lazy spacing is lazy-