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My Little Pony: Awkward Moments

DantonDamnark

By DantonDamnark
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DantonDamnark

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Ironically, this story does fit the Theme of the Month as Chapter 1 mentions a coffee shop and Chapter 2 (& Chapter 3 will) takes place at said Coffee Shop. The Irony is I wrote both Chapter 1 & 2 before I found this site.

So I've been working on a Short Stories series about my OC Characters.

The name of the series, "Awkward Moments", was a name my brother came up with for a Comic series for Neopets many years ago. I am releasing the series in Chapters of Books.

Links provided direct to deviantArt.

The series follows the lives and adventures of 3 Best Friend Ponies.

Mane Characters

  • Danton - the mysterious, stoic Unicorn Alchemist
  • Jiktin E. McRange - the clumsy, sharpshooting Pegasus Archer
  • Yulin Stalwart - the fiery-spirited, parkour-loving Earth Pony Peace Keeper

awkward_moments_book_1___cover___by_dantondamnark-d4d37nt.png

~Book 1 - It Begins!~

Chapter 1 - Meeting Like This... - Less than 600 words

Chapter 2 - In the Meantime... - 790 words

Chapter 3 - The Third Stooge - Just over 800 words

Epilogue - Under 400 words.

__with_a_twist_of_olive_____ch_1_by_dantondamnark-d4djynr.png

~Book 2 - With a Twist of Olives~

Chapter 1 - Chooing the Fat

Chapter 2 - The City

Chapter 3 - The Street Urchins

Epilogue

book3cooler.png

~Book 3 - How the Clown met the Hermit~

- On Canterlot

Chapter 1 - At the Cafe

Chapter 2 - A Debt Owed

Chapter 3 - Misery

Epilogue

jadvalds.png

~Book 4 - Jiktin & Jadvald~

Chapter 1 - Goin' Outta Town

Chapter 2 - A Promise Not Kept

Chapter 3 - Jikvald

Epilogue

profilesmall.png

~Book 5 - Negative 63~

Chapter 1 - Meanwhile in Trottingham

Chapter 2 - The Candy Twins

Chapter 3 - Epilogue

~Book 6 - Tick-Tock-Mock~

I am not going to keep resizing the images just to put them in this thread anymore. Instead I will recolor the Title's Text. I may also remove the Old Images.

Chapter 1 - An Old Fiend

Chapter 2 - The Auction

Chapter 3 - Clockwork's Home

Epilogue

Future Content

Books that I plan to make but have not yet.

~Hector the Fallen~

Description:

It is Nightmare Night and Danton is telling his annual tale to the ponies of Ponyville. This year's story: Hector the Fallen.

This is more of a Lore-ish book, but it does get interrupted by Jiktin every now and then.

Notes on the Series:

  • Each Book will have their own "Cover Artwork"
  • Stories take place at around the same time as the show.
  • Series Rating: PG - Mild Language(though none yet)

Feedback is appreciated. On both this thread and deviantArt.

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Haserman

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I love it already I can see this developing into a very good and funny series of events.

I only found 1 spelling mistake in the second chapter second paragraph first line:

"Sorry I'm late, Yulin" apologized Danton, "My house a bit of walk from here"

it's just missing an 'is'

But other than that it seems to be really good I love it

it is kinda short though but that may also be a plus because it is a quick read and not War and Peace

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DantonDamnark

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I love it already I can see this developing into a very good and funny series of events.

I only found 1 spelling mistake in the second chapter second paragraph first line:

"Sorry I'm late, Yulin" apologized Danton, "My house a bit of walk from here"

it's just missing an 'is'

But other than that it seems to be really good I love it

it is kinda short though but that may also be a plus because it is a quick read and not War and Peace

Thank you! I decided to release them by chapter because I know, personally, that people hate to read long Internet text. But what I am really thankful for is people, like you, pointing out grammatical, spelling, punctuation and other errors. This is the price you pay for using Notepad over Microsoft Word.

I prefer the basic/infancy display of Notepad as well as it's quick startup, saving, identifying and comparability. As apposed to Word's start-up time(on my Laptop) as well as the evil squiggles that change the focus of my attention to spelling and such rather than writing(Typing) my story.

In more regards to "release by chapter", I've found that when I type "books" I may change my mind about one thing- "Ooo! That would be cool to add!" - and then end up having to change everything only to have to Re-Rewrite it.

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Haserman

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Thank you! I decided to release them by chapter because I know, personally, that people hate to read long Internet text. But what I am really thankful for is people, like you, pointing out grammatical, spelling, punctuation and other errors. This is the price you pay for using Notepad over Microsoft Word. I prefer the basic/infancy display of Notepad as well as it's quick startup, saving, identifying and comparability. As apposed to Word's start-up time(on my Laptop) as well as the evil squiggles that change the focus of my attention to spelling and such rather than writing(Typing) my story. In more regards to "release by chapter", I've found that when I type "books" I may change my mind about one thing- "Ooo! That would be cool to add!" - and then end up having to change everything only to have to Re-Rewrite it.

Note pad is good for writing stories even though with its limitations. If I can make a quick recommendation is after you have finished a story just run it through microsoft word for a quick spell check just to give a quick proof read. If you need someone to edit or proof read for you just post it on this thread and I'll read it for you

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DantonDamnark

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Book 2 has started! Hope you enjoy!

Also, I'm allowing anyone to post/use/submit Awkward Moments as along as you give me credit!

This applies to everyone except those Associated with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

That is, those Associated with My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, DO NOT need to give me credit.

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Haserman

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I have found a small spelling mistake in Book 2 Chapter 1 first sentence

"It had been a quite 3 weeks since the gang formed up"

It should be "It had been a quiet 3 weeks since the gang formed up" also I'm not sure but the grammar seems a bit strange but grammar isn't my strong point.

Half way through the same chapter after the long yes ... no dialogue

"I take you to Fillydelphia some other time, buy I can't this time"

should be "I'll take you to Fillydelphia some other time, but I can't this time"

3/4's of the way through

"As in the most ruthless teams in all of Pony Sports History?!"

Should be "As in the most ruthless team in all of Pony Sports History?!"

Book 2 Chapter 2

First line

"And that's when I discovered that had my Cutie Mark..."

I'm not 100% sure but it might be "And that's when I discovered that was my Cutie Mark..."

Epilogue

3/4 the way through

"Yep. I can turn the King Side bed into to beds. We can get some toys and dolls, decorate it with flowers..."

Should be "Yep. I can turn the King size bed into two beds. We can get some toys, dolls and decorate it with flowers..."

This story is really developing well you should start considering trying to post it on Canterlot. There only minor spelling errors but other than that it is perfect the only real missing part of the story thus far is a backstory on how Danton knows Jiktin and what Jiktin's cutie mark is (it might be there I might have just forgotten about reading about his cutie mark), I'm not sure if your planning on adding it on later in a dramatic twist or using it to add an sense of mystery so ... yeah. This is turning out to be a really good series.

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DantonDamnark

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I always look forward to your input and corrections! Thanks!

"And that's when I discovered that had my Cutie Mark..."

I'm not 100% sure but it might be "And that's when I discovered that was my Cutie Mark..."

It was actually supposed to say:

"And that's when I discovered that I had my Cutie Mark..." but your revision sounded better so I used it. :)

Also, I didn't really make a story about Jiktin's Cutie mark and I'm not sure how I would tell it. I mentioned his end of his Cutie Mark story as a way of showing what Jiktin did to pass the time. His Cutie Mark is a Golden Bow and Arrow, which is actually used in the show.

As for Jiktin and Danton's backstory, I'm still working on that. I want it to be strange yet explain why Danton often finds him annoying. And incorporate a long standing attribute of Jiktin that will likely make many think "Wait, what?"

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Haserman

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I always look forward to your input and corrections! Thanks!

It was actually supposed to say:

"And that's when I discovered that I had my Cutie Mark..." but your revision sounded better so I used it. :)

Also, I didn't really make a story about Jiktin's Cutie mark and I'm not sure how I would tell it. I mentioned his end of his Cutie Mark story as a way of showing what Jiktin did to pass the time. His Cutie Mark is a Golden Bow and Arrow, which is actually used in the show.

As for Jiktin and Danton's backstory, I'm still working on that. I want it to be strange yet explain why Danton often finds him annoying. And incorporate a long standing attribute of Jiktin that will likely make many think "Wait, what?"

Ok sounds good can't wait and as always when you post anything I'll proof read it and offer suggestions also try to get this onto Equestria Daily I honestly think you have a good chance of it being accepted

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Haserman

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Well from what I have read stories under 3500 words are just meant to be 1 chapter of sort things, but they can sometimes be a little lenient as long as you explain that you will be updating quite often addition g new chapters to your books and maybe in future you will only update books at a time on EQD. A second problem I can see is cover art you will be required to have a series cover art pic so that me be something you may want to look into as it will increase your chances of approval

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Haserman

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Yay book 3

'"AndthatswhenIfoundthewheelofcheesebutitwasbluenowbutIateitanyway..." blurted Jiktin, who was wired off 3 cups of coffee.'

'"AndthatswhenIfoundthewheelofcheesebutitwasbluenowbutIateitanyway..." blurted Jiktin, who was wired on 3 cups of coffee.'

not sure though

'"What didn't you ask to, Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.'

It doesn't really make much sense this sentence it could be

'"What didn't you ask me to ... Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.'

or

'"What didn't you ask me to, Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.'

This one seems to make more sense but it is up to you I'm just highlighting some areas that seem a bit strange.

'It was 6 years ago in the Evrefree Forest'

'It was 6 years ago in the Everfree Forest'

This is just me being a bit picky but if think it doesn't really matter just ignore it.

I'f you don't know by now, the Pegasus is Jiktin'

'If you don't know by now, that Pegasus is Jiktin'

It just seems a bit more specific but I'm tired right now so I might make a few mistakes (I am human no matter what other people say)

'Jiktin got up and spit out about 5 pounds of dirt. If Danton was close enough, he would of heard Jiktin say this'

'Jiktin got up and spat out about 5 pounds of dirt. If Danton was close enough, he would of heard Jiktin say this'

Overall a great addition to the series and I'm loving the character development I have to cut my praise short as I'm low on time and have to go do school stuff but great stuff overall.

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Thanks again! :blush:

Also, I've started posting the chapters on Canterlot. Here's Book 3's thread.

'"What didn't you ask to, Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.'

It doesn't really make much sense this sentence it could be

'"What didn't you ask me to ... Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.'

or

'"What didn't you ask me to, Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.'

This one seems to make more sense but it is up to you I'm just highlighting some areas that seem a bit strange.

I thought this part was a little awkward when I originally wrote it, too. So I've rewritten it:

"What didn't you ask me, Danton?" Jiktin asked with severe confusion.

"To tell me that story" Danton answered.

"What story?" asked Jiktin.

"The story of how we became friends" replied Danton.

"Okay, it was just a normal day in Ponyville..." Jiktin started.

'It was 6 years ago in the Evrefree Forest'

'It was 6 years ago in the Everfree Forest'

This one seems to be one of my common mistakes. Likely because Microsoft Word sees "Everfree" as not a normal word. And the Spellcheck wants to change it to "Referee".

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Sorry I won't be able to read chapter 2 for the next couple of days (school exams :-( ) but I'll try to find some time but if the previous ones are to go by chapter two will be fantastic. So if I do have time to read over it, my proof reading might be a bit rushed, this is just a bit of a warning so yeah, can't wait to read it though :)

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Chapter 2

'"Let me think about it... Nah!" Jiktin relied as he went back to gathering his gold.'

'"Let me think about it... Nah!" Jiktin replied as he went back to gathering his gold.'

'There was a faint roar coming from the tunnel. Taking a look, Danton saw it was a Green Dragon. Thinking quickly, Danton grabbed Jiktin and hide behind a column by the tunnel to the exit.'

'There was a faint roar coming from the tunnel. Taking a look, Danton saw it was a green Dragon. Thinking quickly, Danton grabbed Jiktin and hide behind a column by the tunnel to the exit.'

also a little description about the dragon might add a more menacing atmosphere

'You're welcome by the way. If I hadn't dragged you out of that cave, you'd probably be in that things stomach right now!'

'You're welcome by the way. If I hadn't dragged you out of that cave, you'd probably be in that thing's stomach right now!'

'Well," Jiktin started, "I once found about 100 bits in a dresser drawer in a Red Dragons belly"

'Well," Jiktin started, "I once found about 100 bits in a dresser drawer in a red Dragon's belly"

"Once Jiktin stopped, Danton had to take a moment to gather his thoughts. It the rain had now turn into a down pour. Danton noticed Jiktin was in no condition to fly after that lightning strike.'

'Once Jiktin stopped, Danton had to take a moment to gather his thoughts by the time he was done the rain had now turned into a down pour. Danton noticed Jiktin was in no condition to fly after that lightning strike.'

'Danton then show Jiktin to his home. It was once a library wing but it is mostly inaccessible. The only entrance is through a cave hidden behind a mound of white rock slabs.'

'Danton then led/showed (personally though I prefer led) Jiktin to his home. It was once a library wing but it is mostly inaccessible. The only entrance is through a cave hidden behind a mound of white rock slabs.'

Awesome I found some time to quickly proof read it ... so yeah great job by the way can't wait to see some more.

Also under chapter 3 why does it say

#TEXT_PLACEHOLDER
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