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Story of an Outcast - a Derpy Hooves story

Lucan

By Lucan
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Sulvuss 20% Cooler

Sulvuss

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Ok. I am not really a writer exactly but I did Role Play for roughly seven years or so. So, I know a little about story telling and a bit about writing styles.

I don't know if you want feedback aimed directly at the story itself or the writing and the way the story is being told so I am going to go through them both and try to give at least a partially decent review on what you have so far. I do not really know your age or you exactly so I might over jump so parts and under play parts as a consequence of that.

Alright. The first thing that only majorly negative about the story that I am reading is the methodology and style from which it is told, its using quick statements to get things through to the reader in the vast majority of it all and as such it makes the story far shorter and somewhat empty, as if I am being told a story casually by someone in real life and that works, when verbal communication is used because you can add other body movements to increase the effect or get across the message and feeling that is meant to be going on at that time such as facial expressions or toning your voice and even straight up acting but in this you only have text which makes it feel somewhat lacking luster. I think you should at least add a little more details about is going on, you could easily make this up to three- four pages if you put in...say....two-three lines of more detail and explanation of each action. Rather than stating "The bouncing of the bed from a excited frilly opened her eyes" you could say something like...

"As the light reach through the windows and brushed the Ponies room in its warm embrace, its eventual trail to the pony herself had hardly any effect on her sleep, her eyes remained closed and her slumber stayed strong until the squeaks and ruffles started to fill the air. The comfort of a drifting sleep starting to rock and become unbalanced as the hooves of a young girl hopped in place upon her bed, forcing her to shortly open her eyes to see the source"

Just an example. It doesn't have to be that detailed but if you can at least increase each sentence a few words it will become a much more satisfying length. Apart from that, there are some attempts throughout the story at points but there could be more. I don't know if its because this is just a foundation and you plan to rewrite it in a detailed format later after you have actual story told.

The story: Well, the story has potential. I like the idea you have for the character, specifically her going to libraries because it makes her appear smarter and her feeling somewhat isolated, frustrated and maybe a little bit paranoid if you are going to take deeper guess when in her diary entrance. I can see the actual idea and format holding up. I think though that the use of evil shouldn't be mention if you want someone to appear mysterious, because evil is a word that signify all the most horrible traits-darkness, pain, despair, cruelty-which in description wise you might as well say satanic smile. I think just a tad more subtly for a shady character can increase impact upon his reveal or even his over all presence, the point of him being mysterious/shady is that the audience don't get to have clues to what his like..unless HE displays them. He leaves the audience powerless to really understand what he is until he does something that seems creepy but even then people can't be sure, that one action or actions may just be that the characters weird and expresses himself in odd ways that can be seen as evil to a suspicious person. The point is, you also set him up as a possible villian because villians that have the most effect and last longer in peoples memories are the ones that manage to get that powerless feeling across, in any way. In mysterious presence, in a cunning plot he/she made or simple well done and time burst of power But..I may be missing how you want to tell the story with this point.

Anyway. There it is. Sorry, its not that long but I hope it helps somewhat.

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Sulvuss 20% Cooler

Sulvuss

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Ok. I read through the edited version and at this point my feed back going to thin out as I can't really give you too much advice on how to changes things without totally breaking the back of your method of story telling and twisting it into a version of my own and since I think your style is healthy I don't want to do that.

First things first. With the extension of a few details and the general deeper inspection of events going on, by mostly just saying what she is doing, I think you have openend up more chances to get across the characters disposition. Such as her segment about losing the bag and missing it until muffin finds it, establsihs exactly how much of a struggle she may have to become or at least appear more smarter and perhaps even deepens the fact that Derpy does have a little dependence somewhere inside her on the ponies own child because her incompetence sometimes which opens up many emotional doors for character development. The fact that is made longer plants it rather firmly in my head, Its worthy of mentioning and you give its due without making it boring by over reaching its length.

The general add on descriptions and rearrangement of words does have a much deeper impact in general and I feel like someone actually telling me a story still casually but they are trying to put effort into it and even get that old story teller vibe from how little but at the same time decent mention of detail in it.

I suggest proof reading it one more time just quickly. I noticed that you placed "her was daughter" in the part where she wakes up. You also double word with eyes. If you use a word not long after another it sounds reptitive. There are many substitutes for eyes-Orbs, spheres, a description of the eyes colours glinting. Diamonds, rubys..ectr-Remember, never use the same word within two lines at least, even then you may have to make a judgment call if that is even enough but mininum is two lines.

Beyond this point, I can only tell you how to move in my direction of writting which is nothing like yours, as I focus on third person subtle descriptions-meaning I describe physical motions, face to such a great detail that I leave it to that to explain emotions. Bad part is, my style tends to be only for die hard reading fans-

That is my review so far. I hope that it helps.

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Sulvuss 20% Cooler

Sulvuss

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Its mostly great but I am afraid you still have a bit of reptitviness but luckily it is only really one word. Inspired and inspriation. You used this far too much and it harms your story because of the periods between them. If you change a few of these to metaphors, descriptions or even a different word entirely then I think your tale will be fine and ready to move on to chapter two. Inspired is in there 3 times, two of them even directly underneath each other. Once you fixed this I can't really see a problem with it.

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Sulvuss 20% Cooler

Sulvuss

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Your welcome. I normally give out reviews so if you need one then don't hesitate to PM. Although, I am animator, artist and normally asked to review various other things along with collge work, but if I get time I'll happily look over any of your products.

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